THE QUAFF: End of the World Cocktail Hour

This may come as a shock to you all, but the weather here in Los Angeles is often wonderful. Such was the case this past Saturday, which aside from being absolutely beautiful was also supposed to mark the End of the Days. Well, Doomsday be damned, I was going to celebrate the weather with a cocktail. I called up my reliable drinking buddy Sly and invited her over to enjoy a quick afternoon drink chez moi, and of course, she took the bait hook, line, and sinker. Little did either of us realize that we would soon be embarking on an evening of extreme (but not sloppy) drunkenness.

Photos of our drinking — beginning with the Rapture-appropriate “Suffering Bastard” cocktail — after the jump…

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Win A Copy of ‘The Kennedys’

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Earlier this Spring, Reelz Channel aired the controversial miniseries The Kennedys, and in case you missed it, fear not! You can have your very own free copy. (And if you don’t win the contest, you can buy the miniseries here — insert me doing a Vanna White presentation with my hand).

All you have to do is write a haiku about the Kennedys in the comments section. How easy is that? VERY. I’ll judge the winners. You have until Friday at noon.

REAL HOUSEWIVES OF NJ PHOTOCAP: Ghoulish Faces and Scary Fashions – It’s Halloween in NJ!

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I’m simply loving the revamped Real Housewives of New Jersey. Even though the second episode of the third season couldn’t match the craziness of last week, I still found myself thoroughly enjoying the generally banal activities on screen, culminating in a catty confrontation between Teresa and Kathy. Plus, even better — we had the return of the Kims! That’s right: Kim D and Kim G, who serve as the Rosencrantz and Guildenstern of New Jersey, were back and ready to stir things up — except they really didn’t do anything but serve as minor comic relief. That’s okay though. I was happy enough to just sit and watch Kim D and her dangling hair fangs, not to mention a rather “refreshed” looking Kim G, who still reminds me of Ruth Buzzi chasing a guy around a park bench while flailing her purse. Gosh, it’s great to have the gang back.

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COMMENT OF THE WEEK: 5/16/11 – 5/22/11

Comment of the Week is back! I took a break back in April when I was traveling, but now I’m ready to start it up again. Plus, the fact that people are so fired up about Real Housewives of New York City and New Jersey has helped boost the number of funny comments on this site.

This past week saw a lot of gems, but the one that made me chuckle the most had to do with LuAnn on RHoNYC. Robbie wrote:

“I loved LuAnn’s comment in the van on the way to Rancho Relaxo ‘She (Ramona) better behave herself on this trip (Morocco) or she’s not coming’ – is this a paradox?”

Well done, Robbie. Your quote will be on the sidebar for a whole week!

REAL HOUSEWIVES OF OC PHOTOCAP: Blonde Ambitions

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This may be a shocker, but The Real Housewives of Orange County is wrapping up next week. I can’t believe twelve episodes have already gone by — especially since this season felt anything but fast. Yes, the sixth cycle of the O.C. ladies has been one of the worst yet, and I’m not totally sure why. Well, I do have a few inklings. Problem #1: these women are more or less vapid. It’s fun to watch their tacky excess, but they don’t do anything with their lives, and one can only watch them loiter about in empty, oversized restaurants for so long. They aren’t inherently interesting anymore, and their conflicts now feel forced.

Problem #2: there’s no one to really like. Peggy has proven to be the best of the worst, but that’s really only because she does seem to have half a brain in her surgically enhanced head — and better yet, she’s become a rival to Alexis; so that’s always welcomed. As for Gretchen, she’s the former fan favorite, but she’s fallen far. She’s not awful, but she’s become the most boring of the group. Bravo doesn’t seem to realize that no one CARES about her and Slade. In fact, no one cares about Slade in general; so having to watch these two idiots sort out their personal business has about as much appeal as listening to Alexis opine on yoga pants and Luna bars (probably the only area where she’s vaguely an expert).

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JOURNEY OF THE PRESERVED LEMONS: Chapter 4 — The Tasting, A Year Later

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Just over a year ago, I had the novel idea to buy a bunch of Meyer lemons and preserve them. It seemed like a simple enough process: just cut them all up, rub them all over with salt, and then cram them into a jar with plenty of lemon juice. But given that this is ME we’re talking about, what should have been a rather basic undertaking turned into an adventure fraught with anxiety, paranoia, and general malaise.

You see, all the recipes for preserving lemons had insisted that all the lemons be completely submerged in their own juices. My jar, however, made this physically impossible to achieve (hard to describe, but the lid caused an air bubble). I became convinced that botulism would grow wild and free on my lemons, and after about three and a half weeks of stress over this, I moved the lemons off my counter and into my fridge, where they’ve resided for the past year in a dark and neglected corner. I suppose I was hoping the problem would just go away, and yet I couldn’t bring myself to just chuck the lemons into the trash and start over. After all, that would be such a waste, not to mention a total victory for my neuroses. So I just kept the lemons back there like some bastard stepchild. Over the months, I occasionally would find a chef or a pickling expert and detail my situation, and they all told me I had nothing to worry about, but I still was irrationally scared to open that jar.

Once I hit the one year mark, though, I knew it was time to take action. It was time to face off against my pickled foe. With the help of my friend Lisa Timmons, I revisited the jar and can thus bring you the thrilling conclusion to the Journey of the Preserved Lemons. Photos and video after the jump…

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REAL HOUSEWIVES OF NYC PHOTOCAP: Thug In A Cocktail Dress Revealed!

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I had been so proud of Countess LuAnn. This season of The Real Housewives of New York City, she’d pulled back on the judgmental haughtiness and returned to being simply haughty, but on tonight’s episode, the DeLesseps monster reared its ugly head. LuAnn was on a rampage all episode, and most of her rage was directed at Ramona, her longtime arch nemesis.

The cattiness appeared right at the top of the show as LuAnn and Ramona sat down for what should have been a lovely lunch. The Countess complimented Ramona on having a delightful wine part the night before and then went on to say that the Pinot Grigio was just lovely. How charming! And then in the same breath, the knives came out as LuAnn sneered, “Too bad you had to CHEAPEN it by having it out with Jill in front of your guests.” I guess it really is true: money can’t buy you class.

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ADVENTURES IN DOMESTICITY: Testing Out The Pizza Stone

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Recently, I acquired a complimentary pizza stone from CSN Stores with the caveat that I must review it — a task that I was more than happy to undertake. The product in question: Fox Run Craftsmen 3-Piece Round Pizza Stone Set. That’s right: this wasn’t just a stone. It was a set. Color me excited.

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Danielle Staub Is A Stripper No More

With The Real Housewives of New Jersey bursting back with a vengeance on Monday, it was only a matter of time before fired cast member Danielle Staub attempted to steal away the spotlight. Well, she has, and it’s been just as sad as you’d expect. Earlier this week, the reality star announced that she’d be embarking on an exclusive contract with Scores, the notorious strip club in New York City (where Christopher Manzo earned career advice, let’s not forget). The plan was for Danielle to dance fully nude for three years, which sounds horrifying to many but think about it: it’s about as close to seeing a cubist Picasso painting come to life as we’ll get.

Nevertheless, Danielle has now backed out of her contract and is rumored to be seeking the psychological expertise of Dr. Drew. And to that, I say “oy.”

More lurid details here.

‘Bridesmaids’ Trailer Suggests DVD Extras Might Be Awesome

I’ve never hidden my love for Kristen Wiig, and Bridesmaids has proven to be a two hour Wiig-fest in the best possible way. Of course, I laughed my ass off during the movie, and in an effort to relive the good times, I went back and watched the trailer again. Lo and behold, there were several funny lines in the preview that never made it into the final cut. This got me to thinking that the DVD extras for Bridesmaids might just be awesome. It also got me thinking that I might need to watch this movie again.

Nevertheless, if you’ve seen Bridesmaids, check out the video above and enjoy some light bonus content. (If you haven’t seen the movie, don’t bother with the trailer — better to see the jokes “fresh”).