I’m simply loving the revamped Real Housewives of New Jersey. Even though the second episode of the third season couldn’t match the craziness of last week, I still found myself thoroughly enjoying the generally banal activities on screen, culminating in a catty confrontation between Teresa and Kathy. Plus, even better — we had the return of the Kims! That’s right: Kim D and Kim G, who serve as the Rosencrantz and Guildenstern of New Jersey, were back and ready to stir things up — except they really didn’t do anything but serve as minor comic relief. That’s okay though. I was happy enough to just sit and watch Kim D and her dangling hair fangs, not to mention a rather “refreshed” looking Kim G, who still reminds me of Ruth Buzzi chasing a guy around a park bench while flailing her purse. Gosh, it’s great to have the gang back.
Anyway, the bulk of this episode pertained to the fallout from Gorgamania 2011. We got both sides of the story: Team Giudice felt like they’d done nothing but be nice and friendly; Team Gorga felt vindicated in their frustration. Nevertheless, all the ancillary figures decided that this feud had to be put to sleep. After all, Teresa would have to come face to face with Melissa at the upcoming Posche Fashion show.
POSCHE FASHION SHOW?!?!?!? Christmas comes early!
Enter the two Kims, ready to stir the pot. Kim D invited Melissa to walk in the show (sorry Kath, no love for you); and Kim G just flittered around, happily talking shit about Teresa whenever she could. It was just like the good ol’ days.
Before we could get to the fashion show though, we had Halloween — much to the delight of the producers who seemed to be having a ball with all their public domain spooky music. I half expected Elvira to waltz on screen, and in many ways, that’s kind of what we saw in Joe Go’s Snooki costume, which came replete with a sizable poof. Melissa, meanwhile, dressed up as Catwoman while Kathy opted for an Avatar look. I don’t know why this amused me so much, but I think the sight of Kathy in dreads was enough to make this episode for me.
Over on Team Giudice, Teresa made a loud announcement about how Halloween was for the kids. This was followed by her running around her mansion in a superhero costume that she had dubbed “Super T.” It was actually rather sweet, watching her zipping around while her two hellion daughters dangled on her cape, and I couldn’t help but laugh when she curiously opted to dress up Audriana like a gym teacher. I imagine this was a reference to Glee. Whatever it was: the outcome was amusing. Joe Giudice even chuckled, calling his daughter a little boy. I was shocked that he even took her in his arms, given his refusal to change her diapers later in the episode (leave it to all-around standup guy Christopher Laurita to do the dirty deed).
Nevertheless, Halloween came and went, and soon it was time to focus on the Posche fashion show. This year, it was held at the Brownstone, and Lauren Manzo would be doing the makeup. I was shocked she had time to fit the event into her busy calendar, what with her new gig selling cosmetics at CHATEAU: THE ART OF BEAUTY.
Oh I kid. She’s a good egg (I mean, she’s a Manzo. How couldn’t she be?). Sadly for us though, the fashion show went without a hitch. There were some simmering tensions — Melissa, her sisters, and Kim G mocking Teresa behind her back etc — but all in all it was drama free. Even Melissa and Teresa acted cordial to each other, despite their deep hatred.
It was only at the end that things spiced up. Leave it to my favorite NJ housewife Kathy to stir the pot. She pulled Teresa aside at the end of the show and tried to find out her side of the christening story. Her questions, however, were loaded, and Teresa immediately went on the defensive. Kathy then accused her of not calling Joe since the christening, which rattled Teresa even more, causing her in turn to accuse Kathy of running like a coward away from the fray. I didn’t really understand this logic — why was it wrong for Kathy to get the hell out of the biggest shit show of the year? It was a dumb fight between two dumb mooks, and Kathy was expected to get in the middle? This sort of warped logic is one of the reasons why I find Teresa totally insufferable.
Kathy then explained that she wanted to make sure her kids were safe, which elicited incredulity from Teresa. Kathy’s kids were old enough to be just fine, she contended (parent of the year!). Of course, this comes from a woman who happily engaged her brother in a shouting match while her crying daughter pleaded with her to stop. Great.
The shit really hit the fan, however, when Kathy noted that it was her who had to usher Audriana to safety. The insinuation that Teresa wasn’t looking after her kids (which she wasn’t — something she mildly confessed to earlier in the episode) made the Skinny Italian author flip her lid. Teresa went off on Kathy before storming out of the room (guilty conscience perhaps?). I wasn’t at the christening, but from all the footage we saw, there wasn’t a whole lot of Teresa whisking Audriana to safety. In fact, there was none of it.
As the episode came to a close, Caroline entered Mother Hen mode and told the Gorga/Giudice clan to get it together and resolve this in private. Sounds like Kathy might get herself blacklisted at the Brownstone. Could there be a more horrific fate?
“Why is it that pumpkins are called pumpkins? They don’t look like pumps. They look like oranges. They should be called orangekins. Joe. JOE. Don’t you think pumpkins should be called orangekins? JOE???”
Caroline: “You mean to tell me I was the only one to wear an autumnal kerchief to this event?”
“We were so offended, SO offended that Joe and Teresa didn’t wear little black caps to our christening.”
“So guys, hear me out: I’m thinking of being a Na’vi for Halloween. I… I just can’t help but feel like if we were in Pandora, none of this arguing would be happening.”
“Listen, Kathy. It’s been two years already. Enough with the Avatar.”
“The other day, I held my vacuum cleaner’s power cord and pretended I was communicating with Sam Worthington.”
Melissa: “Wow. Nice to meet you. What a beautiful old lady you are.”
Kim G: “It’s wonderful meeting you, Melissa, but if you’ll excuse me, I have a meeting with my stylist, McGruff the Crime Dog.”
“Look at my daughter: selling makeup at Chateau: The Art of Beauty. I am SO proud. But she better not leave home…”
“Lauren, you’re the best. You make me feel like the Italian Sharon Osbourne.”
“Hey, it’s Super T! Spreading Tacky and Temper wherever refinement lives!”
Melissa: “Even though Joe looks like Snooki, I still think he’s super hot. Is something wrong with me?”
“Well, the Tree of Life tells us that we all must–“
“Seriously, Kathy. ENOUGH.”
“Teresa better apologize to me. Otherwise I’m gonna sneak into her house, find some scissors, and give her hair fangs like Kim D.”
Caroline: “Ohhhhhhh… I think I ate a bad clam.”
Kim D: “Story of my life, honey. Have you thought about ever growing some hair fangs?”
“Don’t I look sexy? I’m like a yeti at prom!”
“Hey Joe. JOE! Look at me. I’m modelin’. Come have sex with me on the runway. JOE!!!!”
Kathy: “So… why are you such a bitch? I mean that in the nicest way, of course.”
Teresa: “Excuse me, but I did NOT abandon my daughter. Audriana was right in the middle of the brawl with me. I’m a good mother!”
Kathy: “You know, the Na’vi have an old saying about family, and it goes like this: ‘Eoio ok am’a aungia–“
“Listen, Kath, as far as I’m concerned, we should have chopped down the Tree of Life five times over, okay? So zip it.”
“Wow. Just… wow.”
“Here’s the thing: without Oprah, what are we supposed to watch? Maury Povich? I don’t think so.”
What did you think about the episode? Team Kathy or Team Teresa?