B-Side Blog

REAL HOUSEWIVES OF BEVERLY HILLS PHOTOCAP: Spa Day Leads to Relaxation, Anxiety

Game Night may be over on The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills, but yesterday we were introduced to Spa Day, which had all the ladies gathering at Adrienne’s manse for an afternoon of pampering and indulgence. Oh, and some extraordinary tension. You see, this was the first time that Brandi and Kim would be seeing each other since the infamous Game Night, and as you can imagine, the drama wasn’t quite water under the bridge.

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REAL HOUSEWIVES OF NJ REUNION PHOTOCAP: Teresa Continues to Defy Logic, Intelligence

Bravo aired the second part of its Real Housewives of New Jersey reunion special last night, and it was more or less the same stuff we saw last week: ceaseless Teresa bashing with an occasional moment of levity (ie. Caroline scratching her ass, which was actually just more Teresa bashing). Don’t get me wrong: I LOVED it. Teresa Giudice is a delusional woman whose defensiveness and thickheaded perceptions are so stultifying that these confrontations feel nothing short of cathartic. Here is a woman who cannot take responsibility for any of her or her husband’s actions, even when faced directly with her own contradictions and poor choices. Simultaneously, Teresa will take any opportunity to cast herself in a heroic light, such as when she turned Victoria Wakile’s brain tumor into an example of her own ability to grow as a person and not sweat the small stuff. Bravo (pun intended) to Andy for immediately rattling off a list of petty Teresa moments, including — of course — Spinklegate. But Teresa still managed to justify her actions by saying she had been driven to a point of frustration by her sister-in-law. Hence the cookie drama.

Ah, but how does one get driven to the point of chucking sprinkle cookies when one allegedly doesn’t sweat the small stuff? Yet another mystery that perhaps only Teresa can answer for us.

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Prince Harry Is Romancing A San Diego Cocktail Waitress

It must have been bad enough for Queen Elizabeth when she learned Prince William would be marrying the COMMONER Kate Middleton. Now comes news that Prince Harry is canoodling with an American COMMONER (with a white trash tattoo on her torso to boot). Yes, the ginger royal, who’s been stationed in Southern California for military training, has allegedly made the acquaintance of Jessica Donaldson, a cocktail waitress at San Diego’s Andaz Hotel. No word on what the rest of the fam thinks about this budding relationship, but I imagine it’s only a matter of time before Prince Philip accidentally calls Jessica a whore trollop to the press. And yes, the physical similarities to Katie Midds have been noted.

Via The Daily News

REAL HOUSEWIVES OF BEVERLY HILLS PHOTOCAP: Crystal Clear Accusations

Reality TV has given us some great, nonsensical insults: “prostitution whore,” “whore pit viper,” and now “slut pig,” courtesy of Kim Richards. Yes, the scrappy, oft incoherent former child star continued her screed against Brandi Glanville on last night’s episode of Real Housewives of Beverly Hills, and it was just as catty as we could have hoped. I mean, how could it not be? When we left Game Night last week, things were looking pretty bad as the sisters Richards pointed their fingers in Brandi’s face and called her a “Goddamn BITCH.” Now, I have to admit that I’m pretty much on Team Brandi at this point, but if there’s anything that could cause me to switch sides, it’s Kim’s vaguely cowgirl way of attacking Brandi. She sort of puts on hand on her hip, points with the other, and does this little swagger thing that looks more appropriate for a dusty Texas saloon than anything else.

It was with that awkward, yeehaw delivery that Kim later delivered her new trademark insult, “YOU’RE A SLUT PIG.” Well done, Kim. You’re in the wrong, but well-done. What had riled Kim up so intensely was that Brandi had accused her of doing crystal meth in the bathroom. I suppose it was a pretty harsh accusation, but it didn’t really faze me as this was hardly the first time such a theory has been raised in regards to Kim. Well, all the women were in shock, particularly Taylor who opened her mouth so large I thought that perhaps a turkey might come flying out (not that there’s any room for a whole turkey in that stick figure body of hers).

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REAL HOUSEWIVES OF NJ REUNION PHOTOCAP: Teresa Faces The Fire

Here’s a fun fact that my friend jash filled me in on: the character of “Boo” from Super Mario Bros. is actually called “Teresa” in Japan. It sort of makes sense if you think about it. After all, Teresa Giudice bears many similarities to that pixelated fiend. They’re both evil, they both have fangs, and they both cover their eyes when faced with reality (which in the case of the Nintendo game is represented by Mario’s mustachioed face). The point is this: if I’m in a dark castle, I don’t know which I’d be more scared of encountering — Teresa or a ghost named Teresa.

Yes, Teresa is a scary creature, and we were able to catch a glimpse of her frightening perceptions of reality last night on the reunion for The Real Housewives of New Jersey. The entire show played out as an extended us-against-Teresa bonanza, and as such, I enjoyed it thoroughly. I’ve never been shy about my distaste for Tre, but for two seasons, her stupidity had been out-crazied by the likes of Danielle Staub. Now with Public Enemy #1 out of Franklin Lakes, the spotlight has fallen on Teresa, and it seems like everyone is finally realizing what I’ve known all along: Teresa is awful. Oh look at me taking credit for being the first to realize this. How TRE of me.

Anyway, with the season over (the longest in the history of any Housewives franchise), Andy Cohen gathered most of the cast in Redbank, NJ to hash things out. Missing was Jacqueline, who apparently had just engaged in an epic blowout with Teresa the night before during taping for season four. She was so distraught that she simply could not appear on the reunion. Talk about clever marketing for next season.

After the jump, check out a photocap of the reunion, which more or less amounted to a lynching of Teresa. Of course, if you were to hear it from Teresa, she’d probably say that she came out on top…

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ADVENTURES IN DOMESTICITY: Ina Garten’s Chocolate Cake Edition

Last week, I was both craving chocolate and feeling the need to procrastinate on an epic scale. What better excuse to bake a chocolate cake? But which recipe should I use? The last time I tried to make chocolate cake, I made an epic disaster by fusing a Mark Bittman recipe with an Aida Mollenkamp pudding frosting. It was all sorts of wrong (although the pudding frosting was quite delicious). Nevertheless, when it comes to these sort of First World problems, I always head to my favorite TV cook: Ina Garten! One of Ina’s top recipes is her famous “Beatty’s Chocolate Cake,” which currently has a five-star rating on Foodnetwork.com with 1,250 reviews. Yes, this is probably Ina’s most popular offering, but I’ve never attempted it before because quite frankly I was scared.

You see, about two years ago, my friend jash attempted Beatty’s Chocolate Cake, and the result was a smoky, messy cake wreck. The batter overflowed in his pans, spilling out all over the oven and wreaking general havoc on his kitchen. This was notable because a) Ina recipes rarely go this wrong, and b) jash is a very accomplished home cook in his own right. He NEVER encounters such catastrophe. Surely if jash couldn’t succeed, what chance did I have? I mean, earlier this summer I left the FLOUR out of a cookie recipe. I made cookies with NO FLOUR. I shouldn’t even say that I made cookies. I made a crumbly MESS. Beatty’s Chocolate Cake would certainly be a risky endeavor.

Pictures of my valiant attempt after the jump…

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New ‘Muppets’ Trailer!

This has me very, very excited.

REAL HOUSEWIVES OF NJ PHOTOCAP: Closing The Book on Another Season

The long and wonderful season of The Real Housewives of New Jersey came to an end this week, but not without one last dose of drama. And this wasn’t just any drama. This was BOOK drama — the kind these Jersey girls specialize in. This time around, the offending author was Teresa, whose cook book Fabulicious had just hit stores. In it, she takes cheap shots at Caroline, Christopher Manzo, and others — all under the guise of it being a “joke.” Maybe conversationally such jabs could pass as humor, but in a cook book? Not really. And thus Teresa committed the biggest sin of all: she crossed Mama Bear, and hell hath no fury like an angry Caroline.

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YEA OR NAY: American Reunion?

Back in 1999, American Pie came around and rocked our world. It was edgy, hilarious, and sweet. Over the years, the “brand” has been sullied by bad word of mouth on its sequels and spinoffs, but now comes American Reunion, which promises to reunite the original cast (including Stifler’s mom, Nadia, and John Cho in his catchphrase-creating role of MILF Guy #2). Will the power of nostalgia (and Tara Reid) bring you back to the theaters? Or has this thing (and Tara Reid) run its course?

The Great Ikea Debacle of 2011

Exciting things are happening in my apartment. Mainly, I’m rearranging the furniture, and overall it’s been a rather thrilling and empowering experience, but last night I hit a regrettable hurdle. You see, as part of my apartment makeover, I’ve wound up moving a filing cabinet from the depths of my bedroom into the living room temporarily. The original plan was to just scrap of the ol’ Ikea EFFECTIV modular unit, but once it was in its new, temporary home, I realized that it could actually be repurposed as a nifty bar. The upper shelves could house martini, wine, and shot glasses while the lower drawer could provide storage for all my booze. All I needed to do was remove the filing cabinet apparatus on the bottom and replace it with two doors that could swing open. Easy as can be, yes?

Maybe not.

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