Reality TV has given us some great, nonsensical insults: “prostitution whore,” “whore pit viper,” and now “slut pig,” courtesy of Kim Richards. Yes, the scrappy, oft incoherent former child star continued her screed against Brandi Glanville on last night’s episode of Real Housewives of Beverly Hills, and it was just as catty as we could have hoped. I mean, how could it not be? When we left Game Night last week, things were looking pretty bad as the sisters Richards pointed their fingers in Brandi’s face and called her a “Goddamn BITCH.” Now, I have to admit that I’m pretty much on Team Brandi at this point, but if there’s anything that could cause me to switch sides, it’s Kim’s vaguely cowgirl way of attacking Brandi. She sort of puts on hand on her hip, points with the other, and does this little swagger thing that looks more appropriate for a dusty Texas saloon than anything else.

It was with that awkward, yeehaw delivery that Kim later delivered her new trademark insult, “YOU’RE A SLUT PIG.” Well done, Kim. You’re in the wrong, but well-done. What had riled Kim up so intensely was that Brandi had accused her of doing crystal meth in the bathroom. I suppose it was a pretty harsh accusation, but it didn’t really faze me as this was hardly the first time such a theory has been raised in regards to Kim. Well, all the women were in shock, particularly Taylor who opened her mouth so large I thought that perhaps a turkey might come flying out (not that there’s any room for a whole turkey in that stick figure body of hers).

The whole reason Brandi had been pushed to the point of crystal meth accusations was because Kyle and Kim got on her case about Brandi letting her son pee on a yard without consequence. Sure, it was dubious parenting, but it was also none of Kyle’s business, and for her to hang her entire hatred of Brandi on this one incident seemed rather questionable. It was almost like she had been waiting for some small thing to justify her hatred of Brandi.

Nevertheless, when Kyle began harping on Brandi’s kid, Brandi instantly went to that Caroline Manzo “NOT MY KIDS” place and lashed back at the Richards with the whole meth thing. It was all downhill from there, and ultimately, Brandi, in tears, attempted to leave (after a quick wrist-slapping incident with Kim that Taylor had to break up with her patented “ENOUGH! ENOUGH!” move. Way to be a hostess, Dana, and take control of your party). Brandi’s exit, however, was stymied by her lack of crutches, which had been hidden by Kim in one of her more mature moves. Had Brandi pulled such a move on Kim, Kyle would have been horrified. As it was, however, Kyle simply laughed it off last week and smiled, “That’s the Kim I know!” Hmmm…

Finally, Brandi found her crutches and left, leaving hostess Dana with nothing to do but salvage her party. And by “salvage the party,” I mean kiss everyone asses. She attempted to get the women to all go on a group trip, but there seemed to be few takers. She then sat down Kyle and informed her that they were in it to the end, whatever that meant. As much as Kyle had bugged me with the Brandi situation, I did totally love her quizzical look when it came to Dana. It’s rare that we’ve seen someone so desperate to be a sidekick as Dana. I think the last time that happened, it was Heidi Montag latching on to Lauren Conrad, and we all know how that turned out…

After Game Night, things settled down. Lisa met was a flamboyant wedding planner with a janky hair piece. I thought I’d hate the guy, but I actually found him to be quite hilarious. He was like a Dwight from Atlanta without all the rampant idiocy. And a better suit. Watching him and Lisa spar was delightful, and I’m greatly looking forward to their increased interaction.

Later in the episode, the Richards sisters headed off to Palm Springs to hang out in the infamous house that caused so much tension in The Limo Scene (that epic brawl that capped off season one of this franchise). Yes, this was the house that Kyle allegedly stole from Kim, and at last we got some explanation about the whole scenario. Apparently the house had been left to the three sisters (Kyle, Kim, and Kathy), but then Kyle bought them all out of their shares. Then, when Kim wanted back in, Kyle wasn’t willing to let her back in. Sounds to me like this was Kim’s dumb fault, but whatever. Who knows. Who cares. They’re a mess.

As the episode came to a close, the women all headed to the Four Seasons in Beverly Hills for a charity function headed up by Camille. This afforded us the pure joy of seeing Brandi stuck at a table with Kyle just days after Game Night. It was awkward. At one point, Lisa did attempt to start a conversation with Brandi, but the girl was as icy as could be. This was actually a tactical error. If ever there was a chance to stick it to Kyle, it would have been at that moment by being as charming and friendly as ever. But Brandi blew her opportunity and acted pretty much like a bitch. It wasn’t totally unjustified though. I’m eager to see how this brewing feud bubbles over next…

“Listen, bitches. Don’t you EVER talk about my kids. If they want to pee on a lawn — heck, if they want to pee in your GODDAMN MOUTHES THAT’S FINE BY ME!”

“I don’t know who you think you are. Your only claim to fame is that you were married to Eddie Cibrian. If you were anyone at all, you would get a niece who has a sex tape.”

Kyle: “And Winston Churchill? Honestly?”
Kim: “He’s not black. He’s… he’s just… I don’t know. The lights went off. I need to go to the bathroom. But the mirrors are filthy. And you know what else, YOU’RE A GODDAMN BITCH!”

“Talk about my kids, and I will kill you. I will destroy you. I will rip the crystal meth right out of Kim’s hands and CRUSH IT WITH MY HATE.”

Taylor: “Crystal meth??!?!?!”
Dana: “Don’t worry, Taylor. We’ll get through this. We’re in it together until the end, new BFF.”
Camille: “Wait… wait… I know I can turn this into a dig about Kelsey.”

Dana: “By the way ladies, if you happen to see my shorts lying around somewhere, just give a holler.”

Kyle: “You know what, Brandi? You better watch what you say.”
Dana: “Wow. Don’t mess with MY BEST FRIEND KYLE RICHARDS.”

“And now I’m going to sing a jazzy little number about a slut called Brandi. Hit it, boys!”

“Enough! ENOUGH! I don’t have the body mass index to deal with this today.”

Kim: “I… I get nervous. She was yelling at me. I don’t know why. All I did was call her a SLUT PIG, which she IS.”

Dana: “Wow. Game night was AWESOME! But it took a lot out of me. Can’t wait to crawl into my bed, which of course is outfitted with Louis Vuitton bedding!”
Taylor: “Does anyone notice my sadness?”
“Sure do, best friend!”

Dana: “What a night. Hey guys, I think we should just all go away together. Let’s do a group trip. Let’s, like, do something where it’s, like, you guys but also me. Let’s go to Hawaii. Let’s just do it. BE MY FRIEND.”

“Isn’t it crazy how we’ve become the normal ones?”

“Kyle, I just want you to know I got your back. We’re in it until the end. We’ve got a bond that is, like, SO real. I don’t know. When I think about all we’ve been through, it’s like wow. That is awesome. You and me and your sister — we’re unbreakable. This is the real deal right here. Us. Me and you. Forever. Friends.”

Lisa: “This game night sounded positively awful. I’m glad I stayed away and spent my time looking effortlessly sexy.”

“Wow. This house. So many memories. I remember coming here with mom and Aunt Kathy and Aunt Kyle, and we would play, and I always knew I’d have it forever… until Aunt Kyle STOLE IT FROM ME. I… I get nervous.”

Lisa: “I think right here we could set up a gazebo, yeah? With white and pink flowers.”
“Oh yeah! And fireworks and pigeons and vikings with bugles!”
“Come again?”
“Yeah! And there can be a man wearing a purple loin cloth with a snake around his neck twirling fire batons! Beverly Hills! Shee sheee sheeeee!”

“Are we supposed to believe that is your real hair, sir? I mean c’mon. Look at Pandora. She’s scared out of her mind by it!”

Dana: “This table is AWESOME. I have a table just like it.”
Brandi: “Oh really? Where did you–“

What did you think about this episode? Did Brandi go too far by accusing Kim of being on crystal meth? Or did she voice what everyone else has been thinking?

35 replies on “REAL HOUSEWIVES OF BEVERLY HILLS PHOTOCAP: Crystal Clear Accusations”

  1. I didn’t realize until I saw these screen caps that Dana’s hand was so high up on Taylor’s thigh! And yes, I think Brandi said what everyone else is thinking. At least Brandi isn’t trying to kiss Kyle’s a$$ (hello Dana)!

  2. Kyle had to have found Brandi’s number in Mauricio’s phone, right? I mean, there is obviously some history there between them. Either that, or Kyle and LeAnn Rimes are besties.

  3. As per usual Ben, your commentary and photo captions have me laughing out loud like a fool. I. I. Get Nervous!

  4. When Lisa was walking around the Tennis Court with Pandora and the Wedding Planner, were there ducks around or was that Giggy bark-quacking at the wedding planner?

    Kyle is aware that if you Google “Paris Hilton/Peeing”, you get numerous results, right? Also, I believe Paris was in her 20’s when all the money shots were taken. Shut up, Kyle.

    1. Excellent point about Paris. She was one of the celebrities that they had to guess, right? I wish Brandi had gotten her and said, “She has a sex tape, has been in jail a bunch of times, is a hotel heiress, . . .”

  5. What’s up with Kyle pretending not to not what crystal meth is – like last week when she claimed not to know what “cock” was? I mean, you may not use those words in everyday conversation, but c’mon. What is she, 65? Who doesn’t know what those words mean?

  6. I wonder if the folks at Bluefly are now a little upset that they did that “closet confessions” commercial with Kyle Richards last year?

  7. Lisa looks amazing (botox, surgeries, or not), but having a woman at that age (I read 50’s? I thought 6o’s) look hot like that kind of disturbs me. A MILF, ok, but a sexy grandma? It’s unnatural…especially with her fake boobs ew.

  8. Kyle is a total bitch. Her sister is a meth head. These are facts. Not speculation.

    When Camille and Taylor start to look kind and sweet….something is very wrong.

    However, from watching Kyle this season and at the reunion last year…I think I believe Camille now. I think Kyle did say what Camille claims she said and Kyle just bullied her way out of it by calling her an f’ing liar etc that night at dinner.

    I love how Adrienne just stays a footstep away from all the drama….it’s a real talent.

    I guess she argues with her husband so much she has nothing left when it’s the ladies turn.

  9. The house is obviously worth more than a million dollars. It was left to the three of them, but how much does anyone want to bet that it was originally purchased with Kim Richards money? $20,000 buyout makes zero sense. I think what happened was that Kim need to borrow some money and Kyle and Mauricio made her put up her share of the house as collateral. It took Kim longer to pay them back then she had said, and I’m sure they had a written contract, so Kyle and Mauricio took her shares. When she was ready to pay back the money, they said “no thanks”.

    1. EXACTLY! There’s no way that house is 60,000. And how Kyle kept putting it off on Kim’s “sentimentality and memories”. Bitch. I think Mauricio’s grubby little hands may be all over this too…

  10. Last week I was able to attend a taping of the new Rosie Show where Lisa Kudrow was a guest. During her segment, Lisa mentioned and thanked any and every Housewife franchise for opening up a vast array of new (Awful women) character roles for older actresses. She said that these women of reality TV have freed great actresses from vying for limited, vapid roles of silent mothers wearing pearls while baking cookies.

    There is Oscar gold in both the BH and NJ housewife actions just this past week.

  11. Last season I had the impression that Adrienne was a tough cookie (savvy business women who holds her own in her male dominated family business). Don’t get me wrong, I admire how she manages to stay out of all of the ridiculous drama (whether she happens to be present for it or not), but I just don’t get why she hasn’t mentioned to Kyle or Kim that perhaps Brandi’s assertion about Kim is justified due to Kim’s consistently erratic behavior. She had the opportunity to mention it when she was hanging out with Lisa and Kyle during the re-hash of the game night fiasco, and could have brought it up with Kim directly on their walk together (through God knows what neighborhood production decided to use as a backdrop). She could have brought it up delicately as a cause of concern, but chose not to. I think she could have been the voice of reason about the whole Kim situation to make both Kyle and Kim understand why an outsider may have concluded Kim was under the influence of something, especially since those a hell of a lot closer to her than Brandi seem to have come to the exact same conclusion.

    Also, I find it hard to take Kyle’s indignant attitude towards Brandi’s comment seriously when she didn’t think it was at all in poor taste to call her own sister an alcoholic in front of Adrienne, some random guy, and all of the RHOBH viewers in the back of that damn limo during last season’s finale episode.

    And for the love of God, that Wedding Planner’s piece is so bad, Giggy would rather remain follically challenged than wear it. With the amount of money that guy must charge for his services, you’d think he’d manage to buy himself something a little less artificial looking. His word of mouth must be exceptional because first impressions sure as hell would make me doubt his ability to plan anything beautiful and/or tasteful after one look at that limp pile of wet wool on top of his head.

    The End!

  12. I agree with @Katie. The whole Kim/Kyle house issue sounds really off. There’s no way 20k represented Kim’s share of a house in Palm Springs. More than likely Kyle and Mauricio helped Kim financially along with the loan against her share of the house and just decided they were owed her third. I’d be mad, too.

    I don’t have a lot of experience with people who use/abuse drugs, but is it possible that Kim isn’t presently using drugs but has messed up her brain chemistry with past abuse? Or am I just trying to rationalize?

    Whatever, B-Side, love your photo recaps!

  13. Was the character Franck Eggelhoffer from Father of the Bride based off Kevin Lee? He totally cracked me up!

  14. I loved the wedding planner…he’s what Bobby Trendy WISHES he could be.

    I do wonder what the heck is up with Kyle and Brandi. There’s gotta be something there from the past, but then again it could be old fashioned Bitchery at the new, younger chick.

    I’ve noticed “Slurry Speech Kim” really comes out in social situations, when its not just her and her family. Makes me think she’s really going overboard on the Xanax, etc in anticipation of it. and it’s probably a severe anxiety thing rather than Crystal Meth or even booze. I feel really bad for her, actually.

  15. Team Brandi here. Kyle & Kim are the worst of all. I was glad brandi did not get up and leave but stayed to the bitter end. Those sisters are jealous of brandi.

    Lisa was stirring the pot again. What is her problem, trying to make kyle talk to brandi. You know lisa just wants to start shit and she thinks she is above everyone. sitting at that table with kyle and laughing about brandi and winston churchill. seriously, I’ll bet kim doesn’t know who he is either, so they should just shut the eff up. Lisa is always sticking her old lady nose where is doesn’t belong and it’s going to come back and bite her in her big ass.

    I thought Camille had guts but after watching her kiss kim’s ass after the party, she’s just another sheep. Halleluyah(sp?) to Taylor for not taking sides and connecting with brandi.

    Kim’s a weird nutjob. I was so glad when she didn’t show up at Adrienne’s bbq. I don’t like watching her the same way I didn’t like watching Danielle and don’t like watching Tre.

    1. Thank you for saying something about Lisa. I found her condescending, mean girl attitude at the charity function to be below her. But I’m soon finding out that this season, perhaps I had her pegged all wrong.

      The worst part, I feel like everyone on here is under some VanderPump curse because her behavior is never really mentioned.

      Still love you recaps, B, but as much as it will break your heart, open you eye regarding Lisa! 🙂

  16. I like Kim- and I feel really bad if she truly is dealing with anxiety of that level. It is hard to manage and the medications can make you that scattered. She seemed a little scattered to begin with though so I can totally see how meeting someone new to the situation could cause the wrong impression to be given. Crystal meth just shows Brandi’s level with that accusation- she is clearly complete trash. Do they even have meth in the 90201?? lol

    Anyway- am I the only one who thinks Pandora is dumpy?! I adore Lisa but cannot see how Pandora ended up looking like a disheveled wall flower. Her future husband is so much more attractive than her! Maybe she doesn’t come across on camera… but her personality matches her appearance IMO. Bland. Blah.

  17. I loved how Adrienne was totally cool with Brandi’s son peeing on the lawn, if Kyle had any boys, she probably wouldn’t be freaking as much. Also, she should be taking Adrienne’s lead, and since she’s not upset, Kyle should drop it. The meth comment was uncalled for, but she was pushed to her limit apparently (not that I blame her).

  18. Lisa looks great and everybody is allowed to wear jeans if you can pull them up then you can wear them.
    It bothers me that Brandi is all over Kim and making some serious accusations on a TV show. It is almost like Brandi targeted Kim and I don’t like it. Brandi has no way of knowing what is going on with Kim, it could be anything. (I don’t believe she is in the bathroom snorting drugs for christ’s sake.)
    Dana is a little bit creepy.
    I am enjoying the show all made better by B-Side’s recaps!

    1. Lisa can wear jeans, I have no problem with people wearing jeans. I have a problem with anyone wearing *designer-ripped* jeans and that’s what those obviously were… she should follow Adrienne’s lead and just go with dark fitted jeans – so much better!

  19. One of my key takeaways (that sounds so…academic) was regarding Taylor. I’m sorry, or maybe I’m not, but she’s a Fakey McFakerton. Yes, she is surrounded by unfathomable drama (abuse, suicide, etc). but that “there will be no touching!” line repeated 2x was what sealed the deal for me. So rehearsed, so inauthentic, so opportunistically leveraging her personal tragedies for more attention. Idiot.
    Also, Camille had a nice honest moment in which she came across very likable and down to earth…this of course is when she spoke of her troubles dating and chuckled that “nobody liked her.” I’m sure that’s been true at various times in her life, but at that moment, I liked her.

  20. Awesome recap, B-side.
    The Richards sisters behaved pretty badly, but for some reason I am finding it hard to like or be sympathetic towards Brandi. Can’t put my finger on why yet.
    “Slut pig” is the awesomest housewives catch phrase ever, and Kim’s delivery was priceless.

  21. Kyle is a textbook bully. Nice example she is setting for her daughters. I am disgusted by her and agree with others here who say she and that slimeball husband of hers totally screwed Kim out of that hourse. I would imagine she has probably resented Kim her whole life. Lisa really disappointed me in this episode. I know Brandi is no saint, but the Richards’ sisters(Kyle really) have made her seem like a victim (or maybe it’s the damn crutches) and I feel sorry for her. Maybe she needs to make an appearance in Andy Cohen’s mean girl clubhouse with a mended leg.

  22. Kevin Lee is from The Brides of Beverly Hills. He doesn’t do anything on that show except “visit” the bridal shop every episode. (This is the show that Rachel from Big Brother was on.)

    Re: Kyle stealing the house – I believe that Kyle did some sneaky stuff to cheat Kim out of the house. I have experienced a sister stealing something (although not a house) that was supposed to be shared after my mother ‘s death and act like it was her right so it does happen. To this day, my sis thinks what she did was right so I can see Kyle doing that too. I think Kyle takes advantage of Kim’s “troubles” to keep her down and feel needed by Kim. Remember Kyle alluded last season that Kim was their mom’s fave and Kim was far more successful in acting that Kyle ever was. Kyle feels better about herself by keeping Kim weak.

  23. I feel a little bad for Brandi. I think she really is insecure, the fact that she keeps referring to herself as a slut is disturbing. Seems like a defense mechanism that shes using as a way to cope with all the drama in her life. I hate seeing women beat up on themselves or talk down on themselves like that. Kyle can be really awful and Kim needs Betty Ford like a muttaeffa!!! My favorite of the entire group is Adrienne because somehow some way she has made it clear to these chicks, “don’t eff with me!” and they DON’T LOL!!

  24. “Isn’t it crazy how we’ve become the normal ones?” Heh, along with Adrienne, they have become the most likable ones on the show this season.

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