It was all about the charity cases on the latest Real Housewives of Beverly Hills. In fact, the episode was called “Charity Cases.” For good reason. Nearly all the women seemed to be helping charities, helping each other, or simply in need of charitable aid. Front and center was Taylor, who admirably divulged a childhood of abuse to the cameras and a fundraiser for a local women’s shelter. Her plight certainly was sad to hear, and I think even those of us with the coldest of hearts was glad to see her persevere past the pain and make a life for herself. Of course, a lingering sense of uneasiness soon follows when you realize she’s only really married into success, and the guy she’s hitched her ride to is kind of a dick. In fact, on the way over to Taylor charity event, her husband Russell chided her for selecting a bad weekend for the fundraiser because all his power friends were out of town. It was frigidly passive-aggressive and also a disturbing indication that for as accomplished as Taylor feels about her life, she’s still stuck with a schlub who keeps her under his thumb. Little does she realize she probably has all the power. After all, we know those big ol’ lips are good for at least ONE thing, and I’m sure Russell wouldn’t want to lose any of that, if you know what I’m saying (oral sex).
Also doing good deeds for charity was Kyle, who headed up to Napa with her hunky husband to go on a bike ride for cancer. Well, not FOR cancer. Against cancer. Kyle’s saga wasn’t terribly interesting, but it was fun watching her spar lovingly with Mauricio, who amusingly manipulated a third day out of the weekend. Yeah, not that fascinating, but they’re both hot and likable; so I was down with it.
More entertaining was Lisa’s charitable contributions: providing a raison d’etre for her permanent houseguest, Cedric. I don’t really know what Cedric does, but I think it’s safe to say he’s an aging circuit boy with a career path on par with the cast members of The A-List. That is to say, he’s professionally pretty. He and Lisa seem to have a ball together, which is cute, but also sort of sad. He’s like her pet, and watching Lisa taunt Cedric by driving donuts around him in a parking lot felt oddly like a metaphor for their relationship.
The big news was that they were both applying for their American driver’s license. Lisa, of course, passed. She’s brilliant and can do anything. Plus, the test is pretty easy. However, it wasn’t easy enough for Cedric, who failed by a large margin. Then again, he also didn’t study for it, which seems about right for him. I don’t get the sense that Cedric is big on academics. Really, the only shocking outcome of the DMV experience was that Ken wasn’t present, holding Lisa’s dogs and smiling peacefully.
As for Adrienne, she really didn’t do much this episode. She taught Taylor how to kickbox and then later showed up at Tay-Tay’s charity event wearing a cowboy gettup from Cedric’s past life, I’m sure. Still, Adrienne continued to amuse with her perpetually pissed-off expressions, especially when she cleaned house at her charity poker table.
Over in Malibu, Camille was still getting whatever mileage she could out of the whole Kyle situation. She once again recounted the entire imbroglio to her posse of Nick and D.D. and her mom, but this time she decided she’d be the bigger woman and invite all the girls over for a dinner party. Clearly this would not go well. In fact, if the previews are any indication, it will be a total disaster. It will be worth it though to hear Taylor stand over the table and yell “Enough! Enough! ENOUGH!” Apparently, when mad, her voice actually turns into Kynt’s from The Amazing Race (“Stop this car Vixen RIGHT NOW!”)
Last and probably least was Kim, who continued to stumble through the world of dating. Not happy with the scary bloke Lisa tried to pair her with previously, Kim found new romance in a man she called “Single Gary.” She had met him at the supermarket and invited him over to a family BBQ at the house. Quite frankly, I wouldn’t call it an ideal environment to have a first date, and I don’t think it helped either that Kim played a bizarre practical joke wherein she pretended to be nursing a baby. Gary looked weirded out, and the lack of chemistry between the two was pretty intense. It was like watching a love affair between two cinder blocks. When it comes to charity cases, Kim continues to be the biggest of the series… perhaps even the franchise.
Here’s the photocap:
“Okay, Kyle. Time to say goodbye to your Witch Mountain.”
“What? That doesn’ even make sen–“
Kyle: “Let’s be honest, Magda, no one would care about you without your celebrity clientele. WHAT? I would NEVER say that! EVER!”
Lisa: “Isn’t it just HILARIOUS how empty your life is, Cedric?”
Cedric: “Hahahahhahaah I know!”
Adrienne: “I need to use a trainer for kickboxing. I once tried to do this with Paul, and I broke his nose in three places. Pussy.”
“Oh my gosh. Bad memories. I’m nervous. My lips are swelling with fear.”
Trainer: “Wow, Taylor, you’re really getting into it.”
“Yeah, I’m just pretending your my dog.”
Camille’s mom: “It’s hard for me to hear these stories because Camille has such a big heart.”
Camille: “I do. I reeeeeally do.”
“And she’s sensitive.”
“Well, when you keep someone sober for twelve years, you become very guarded.”
“And that’s okay.”
“And when you’re a former dancer for Club MTV, you get used to people being jealous–“
“But I can only do so much when faced with little jabs.”
“I don’t know how you do it.”
“But you have a big heart.”
“Yes… well… my heart is small for us, but I know what you’re saying.”
Camille: “I just love running on the beach. And I think I deserve it. After all, I’ve spent the past twelve years keeping the beach sober.”
“I don’t know… this Malibu beach seems a little small. I mean, small for us. We’re used to bigger beaches with more space. But that’s just us.”
“On a scale of 1 to 10, how sad do I really seem?”
“I don’t know why you didn’t like Lisa’s friend. He was like John Cleese in a funhouse mirror. And let’s be honest, Kim. Why would anyone care about you without Escape To Witch Mountain? WHAT? I would NEVER say that! EVER! You must be hearing things!”
“Mom, what if the fire gets out of control?”
“That’s okay, honey. I’ll just douse it with the tears of my perpetual sadness.”
“Hey guys, this is Single Gary. We met at the Cougar Market, and he knows me as Desperate Kim.”
Lisa: “You better turn right around before I knock the clotted cream right out of your knickers.”
“I just want to say to all the abused kids out there that it does get better, and someday, if you’re really lucky, you can wind up in a fresh, new, emotionally abusive relationship of your own!”
Kyle: “Thank goodness you’re my trainer. You’ve really helped me, and let’s face it: I’ve helped you. I mean, like anyone would care about you now that the Olympics are over. WHHHHAAAAAAT? I didn’t say that. I would NEVER say that! You’re hearing things.”
“Oh my God. I feel worn down, depleted, and rode hard. You know, like Kim. WHAT?? I would NEVER say that! EVER!”
“Okay, lips. Let’s get this show on the road.”
“YEEEHAW! Another win for the Robin Egg Rodeo!!”
“Aw, Paul, why are you eating the shrimp cocktail? Why? It’s plastic. For decoration. C’mon Paul. Ugh, okay. Go to the hospital. See if I care.”
“I want you all to read my lips — and I know you can because they’re designed for the visually impaired.”
What did you think about the episode?