It’s baaaaaaacck! Big Brother has returned to the airwaves, and I can now officially kiss my social life goodbye because for the rest of the summer, I will be hopelessly devoted to the show in the worst possible way. In fact, the ridiculous fanaticism has already begun. Last night I gathered with my Big Brother press day alliance, a.k.a Team Slop, to watch the premiere and much crazy banter and cross-talk ensued. In attendance were Derrik J. Lang (The Associated Press), Matt Whitfield (Yahoo!), and Andrea Reiher (Zap2It) — as well as various Significant Others. The babbling was kind of out of control, and as an added bonus, Andrea and Derrik had already met the entire cast; so they could offer their own insight. Of course, I like to make my own impressions, and this is what I can tell you thus far: my superficial assessments from earlier this week have been holding up surprisingly well.
Before we can talk about the cast, we must address a critical situation: the Chenbot. Julie Chen came to us on a colorful, brightly lit set that looked not unlike some discarded game show set from 1987. For whatever reason, she had eschewed her normal sassy look for a strangely dowdy, lightly-Hilary Clinton look. It was strange. But then again, we’d have it no other way. Yes, Julie was decked out in a chunky necklace and a formal tomato-red blazer that gave her a look of corporate authority, but we could tell she was yearning to vamp it up with what appeared to be an asymmetrical, one strap number underneath. Sadly, the combination was a touch bizarre, and it only made Julie look like she had forgotten to put her left arm through the sleeve of her dress. Still, the Chenbot wouldn’t be the Chenbot without the occasional fashion blunder (does anyone remember her shiny space pants from yore?); so her look made me happy nonetheless.
Now, the contestants.
First, let’s talk about Kristen. This poor girl looks like she’s a few peppers and onions short of a cheesesteak (she’s from Philly. Get it?). I think she’ll be bringing this season’s craziness — sort of like the second coming of Keisha from BB10. Just look at her eyes. They’re psychotic! And if it’s not the eyes, it’s the hair. Crazy girls always manifest their lunacy in their hair. It just sort of goes in all directions, and Kristen’s is no different. We’ve yet to tap into her full psychosis, but it’s there, people. It’s there.
And then there’s Rachel. You know Rachel. The chemist? With the red hair? And the funny laugh? Still not ringing any bells? Hmmm… how else can I describe her? Oh yeah: BOOBS. No, not just boobs. We’re talking BOOOOOOOOBS. I thought Laura from last year had a rotund bust, but Rachel puts her to shame. She literally looked like the Wipeout obstacle course bundled into a little pink dress. I love the idea of a smart girl masquerading around like a ditzy tit party, but I’ve yet to actually get any pings on my intelligence radar. Then again, it took a few episodes for Janelle to reveal herself to be the awesomeness that she was; so I’ll reserve judgment (barely) for Areola, The Little Mammary-aid. Sorry, that was a stretch. I really felt the need to get another pun in there though.
Meanwhile, this Andrew character has totally lived up to expectations in the worst sort of way. He’s of the school that working his Judaism into every joke is somehow charming, but alas, it is not. Literally, the guy screamed “Mazel Tov” the moment he walked into the house. And if that weren’t embarrassing enough, he didn’t even display any of the cutting humor my people are stereotyped to have. For instance, when The Saboteur mysteriously shut off the lights later in the episode, Andrew decided to prank everyone by finding a pillow and throwing it at the people sitting in the living room. Admittedly, the shrieks were amusing, but it all felt a bit dumb on his part.
Even more dumb was the fact that Andrew even separated himself from the group like that. After all, by that point, the cast had learned about the saboteur, and everyone was looking for prime suspects. What better way to cast suspicion onto yourself than by slinking away from group? Of course, Andrew wasn’t the only one who acted shady. Poor, sweet, handsome Brandon saw the lights go out and immediately began his nighttime rituals. It was a strange, Pavlovian response to darkness, and of course, it most certainly placed the suspicion on him as the saboteur also, especially when the lights came up and a lock was revealed on the storage room door. Andrew and Brandon were both attacked for having left the couch area (and yes, I did enjoy this exercise in groupthink and paranoia), but let’s be honest: what sort of saboteur is going to be so obvious as to NOT BE BACK WITH THE GROUP when the lights come up?
A better indication of the mole would probably be HOH performance, and when it came to that, there were really only two people who could be accused of sabotaging their teams: Britney and Kathy, neither of whom could grab onto their respective hot dogs. And in case you’re scratching your heads about that, let me explain. Big Brother assembled what may have been the very best season opening HOH competition ever by splitting the house into two teams and having them jump on suspended punching bags (designed to look like hot dogs) and grapple them over an immense “grill” (basically, a lot of pillows). Of course, since this is BB, there were strange liquids involved, and in this case, mustard and ketchup splooging all over the contestants. Making matters worse was that the condiments make the “hot dogs” slippery, causing many of the players to slide off in an embarrassing display of gravity. As I believe Britney said, “I love my dignity on that hot dog.” Or something like that. Sadly, she should realize she lost her dignity the moment she stepped into the house.
Nevertheless, Kathy and Britney struggled the most, with Britney going so far to claim that she had seriously injured her knee after one drop, but unless one of those pillows was full of rocks and broken glass, I couldn’t really see how that was possible. In the end, good ol’ boy Hayden (who seems to have an upside-down mouth) won the Head of Household, which meant that if Britney was trying to undermine her team, she wasn’t very good at it.
So does this mean that Kathy is the saboteur? Seems a bit too obvious. Much credit goes to the producers for aptly casting suspicion on all the players. I don’t love the saboteur twist, but I must admit it’s fun trying to sniff the person out. Too bad we only get one week of guesswork.
Here are some pics:
“Hi, I’m Annie. And you know me: always jumping off industrial landscapes!”
“Check it out! I’m gonna stick this key up SOMEONE’S ASS!”
“Hey boyz, who wants DAMAGED GOODS???”
“Hi. I’m Brendon. And my friends call me The Parrot because when the lights go out… I immediately begin my sleep rituals. Seriously, I have a really hard time in movie theaters.”
“Sorry, I’ve got something in my eye. Oh wait, it’s an extra boob. My bad. Forgot about my eye boob.”
“My name’s Rachel, but you can call me Titty McMammaryboobs.”
“I can’t wait to get into the house and have three nervous breakdowns over peanut butter.”
“These are some props from my one woman musical revue, Boobs!“
“I’m gonna go into that Big Brother house and make Jews cringe around the world!”
“Oh mah gah. This is so amayyy! My boobs might literally fall off and roll away in shock.”
“Where should I run to??? BOOBS, SHOW ME THE WAY!”
“Oh my God. I HAVE AN ASS ON MY CHEST!”
“I’m laughing now, but little do these people know that I have a bisexual advantage! Because everyone knows that bisexuals are the ones you have to look out for!”
“My strategy? To gradually inhale every contestant until I’m the only one left.”
“I AM THE SABOTEUR! I AM VERY SCARY!”
“Check it out: Chenbot!”
“Quack quack! Get it? It’s a duck.”
“WOOF! Doggie! LOLOLOL.”
“Walk like an Egyptian. Tkka tkka tkka tkka tkka tkka tkka tkka.”
“Wait, who drew this face on me? Seriously. Who did this?”
“Okay, this isn’t funny anymore. Stop it, guys.”
“So in conclusion, I am to be feared.”
“Okay, I’ll just use the velcro on my head to attach to the hot dog. STICK DAMMIT!”
“Gosh, I hope this is a Hebrew National hot dog!!! Because I’m Jewish!!! Get it? Hey, did I tell you I’m Jewish?”
“I like to think that if I simply jump AT the hot dog but don’t grab onto it, I’ll make it across!”
“I can’t believe someone put a lock on the storage room. It’s like the time I left my keys in my car outside of temple. And I go to temple because I’m Jewish. Did you hear? I’m Jewish.”
What did you think about the premiere? Who are your favorites and least favorites? Who’s the saboteur? And what did I leave out?