B-Side Blog

IDIOT ANGELENO OF THE DAY: Lexus Driver Edition

**Go around.**

Okay, this just happened outside my window, and thankfully, my camera was nearby; so I could document all the idiocy on display. I was up here in my room, typing away on my next Hills recap when suddenly, I heard the blaring sound of a car horn. Now, I don’t mind car horns per se, but this guy was pressing onto the horn for a good five or six seconds. Being the ever curious (read: nosy) neighbor that I am, I immediately pressed my face up against my window to see what was going on.
Well, this driver was apparently honking at a garbage truck. As you can see in the picture, the truck was just doing its thing, parked with its hazards on while the sanitation workers scurried into the adjacent building to pull out its dumpster. No one likes being stuck behind a garbage truck — I get that — but was honking necessary? These guys were just doing their job, and even more importantly, THERE WAS PLENTY OF SPACE TO GO AROUND THE TRUCK. There was not a single other car in the area, and as you can see from the picture, the truck was hardly blocking the entire road. But rather than do the obvious and easy thing, this driver instead decided to lay on the horn AGAIN. Seriously? Seriously?
I really wanted to yell, “Just go around!!” but I knew that would be stupid, and the guy would never hear me. So instead, I whipped out my camera, just in time for the guy to honk yet again. That’s right, he let out three or four angry, multi-second honks before finally succumbing to, you know, LOGIC and driving around. So for wasting his own time and blaming others for it, I label this dumb Lexus driver the Idiot Angeleno of the day.

YES! Sweet, Sweet Symmetry!

Only 910 more miles ’til the next symmetrical binary number!

The other day, I sadly missed my odometer hit both that glorious benchmark of 10,000 miles and the similarly impressive palindrome of 10,001 miles. But fear not. I did get the next best thing: the perfectly symmetrical AND binary display of 10,101 miles. Thank God. If I had missed that, I might have cried. Luckily, my eyes happened to wander down to the odometer and catch this magnificent number just as it turned. I was more elated than Kristin Wiig on SNL.
As you can see from the pic, I was cruising along at a hefty clip; so it would have been somewhat dangerous for me to have taken the picture myself (not that I didn’t try). Luckily, I got the assist from J-Unit, who happily whipped out his iPhone and documented this momentous occasion. I should also note that this all took place as we were driving past Disneyland on the highway, which just goes to show: it really is the happiest place on Earth. Huzzah!

DAMMIT: Fleeting Pop Song Distracts Me From Glorious Odometer Milestone

Why did I have to miss it? Why? It could have been so glorious!!!

I get distracted for like two minutes, and you know what happens? I miss my odometer reaching 10,000!!! I’d been waiting all week for this momentous occasion, and just as I feared, the damn thing turned while I was probably singing along to some dumb song. What’s even worse is that I not only missed out on lucky number 10,000, but I also didn’t even get to see the consolation prize: 10,001. IT WOULD HAVE BEEN SO SYMMETRICAL!!!!
Oh well. It wasn’t a total loss though…

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Does Kelly Ripa Throw The Most Boring Dinner Parties Ever?

Last week, Kelly Ripa posted a celebrity playlist on iTunes which was supposed to serve as a sort of soundtrack to the perfect dinner party. She writes, “I have a blast on my show, but my favorite place to entertain is in my kitchen. There’s just nothing like the perfect dinner party. And whether I’m making dinner for friends, family, or the guys from work, the best side dish is a good soundtrack. Well, my roasted garlic asparagus is pretty good too, but trust me, these songs are a really close second. I hope they’ll make your dinner party even more amazing, from the first doorbell to the last kiss goodnight.”
Sounds promising enough… until you realize that nearly every song on her playlist is so damn depressing that you’ll just want to hurl yourself out of a window at the very thought of them. I’m not saying the songs are bad, but stringing them together to score a dinner party seems, well, AWFUL. Seriously, it’s a minor feat that Kelly’s guests have survived her soirées without wanting to slit their wrists by the night’s end.

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The Housewives Get Some Hot Tongue Action

This week, The Real Housewives of New York City went from a guilty pleasure to a gross-out bonanza thanks to the intrepid work of one dog’s tongue and one woman’s nostril. Yes, the closeup of Jill’s dog licking her nose clean was an instant classic — one of the most searing images to ever emerge from reality TV, let alone television as a whole. Not even There’s Something About Mary dared show the sort of dog-on-nasal-cavity action that Bravo aired tonight, but here’s the most shocking part: it wasn’t even the grossest part of the entire episode. No, that special honor goes to Simon and Alex, who managed to instantly turn my stomach with their egregious open-mouthed kissing. AND THEY DID IT ON A YACHT. I swear, a few hundred fish probably went belly up at that precise moment (and I wouldn’t have been surprised if Lady Liberty briefly gouged her eyes out with her torch). Hmmm… I’m sensing a theme: tongues + housewives = disgusting. And yet, amazing.
Anyway, as per some people’s request, I’ve decided to give a stab at photocapping the latest episode, much as I do to Big Brother. Pictures from Bravo after the jump…

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What A Sad and Pathetic Swan

I just stumbled upon this article in Yahoo’s “Oddly Enough” news department, and while I’m sure it’s supposed to be amusing and heartwarming, I just found it troubling and sad. Okay, and amusing too. Basically, in 2006, a black swan named Petra fell in love with a paddleboat that resembles — you guessed it — a giant swan (a white one, to be specific). The two have been inseparable ever since. Well, almost inseparable. You see, Petra and her hunky boyfriend / boat were relocated to a local zoo where they’ve lived a storybook romance… until last week when a real life white swan entered the picture. This new suitor introduced Petra to the pleasures of the flesh, and soon, the old boat was given the heave-ho. At last, it seemed like Petra would be moving on from her awkward Lars and the Real Girl phase.
But in an inevitable twist, Petra’s handsome new paramour up and left her to seek out the company of other black swans. When asked for a comment, the white swan merely stated, “Crazy bitch told me she spent the past two years dating a boat. A boat. That’s just fucked up. I don’t want my cygnets being dumb as rocks. Peace out, swan bitch.”
Anyway, since being left at the proverbial altar, Petra has been visibly agitated, to the point where zookeepers fret that she’s experiencing intense loneliness. Personally, I think she’s just coming to the realization that she’s a batshit loco swan who’ll never live up to her mother’s unreasonable expectations. The good news for her though was that on Friday, she was reunited with her inanimate boat lover, and thus her long-standing romance could resume. I guess it’s sort of sweet and cute — until you realize how sadly delusional this bird is. [me whispering: psycho!]
For more on this kind of pathetic bird, click here.

CURIOUS THOUGHT: What If Juliette Binoche and Abigail Breslin Swapped Heads?

Earlier today, I was looking at a picture of Abigail Breslin on Best Week Ever, and for some reason, her face struck me as being particularly Juliette Binoche-ish. I couldn’t help wondering if it was just me, or if their faces were truly interchangeable. I busted out the Photoshop, and ten minutes later, I had the bizarre results.
Photos after the jump:

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Now Taking Applications to Be Paris Hilton's Best Friend. Dignity Not Required.

Thanks to some extra gig I did three years ago as a lark (opening credits of Monday Night Football, thank you very much), I’ve somehow wound up on a casting director’s mailing list. I would take myself off, but the little gems that pop up in my inbox every few months are worth the spam. Take for instance this casting call to be Paris Hilton’s new best friend. Sluts and gays, get your head shots ready!

Do you long to strut into the world’s most elite hotspots without a care in the world except how fabulous you are? Ever wish the velvet ropes didn’t exclude you from the social circles of the A-List? How about the fantasy of jet setting around the world with the ultimate BFF, whose fierce style, charisma and star power is only matched by your own.

  Now that’s hot! MTV is giving the opportunity of a lifetime to one girl or “fabulous” guy who has what it takes to become Paris Hilton’s new BFF. Finally, you have the chance to show the world that you have what it takes to achieve social stardom; allowing you unprecedented access to young Hollywood as never before. Loves It!

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A "Harmless" Unaired Clip from the Housewives

Regrettably, I haven’t had time to chime in lately on The Real Housewives of New York City, but here’s what’s important to know: it’s fairly awesome. These women are masters of passive-aggressiveness, and never is that more apparent than in this clip, which never made it to air on Bravo. Here, we find Jill and Countess LuAnn dropping by a party in the Hamptons just prior to their big tennis match with Ramona. There are plenty of amusing moments in this scene, but none more so than when LuAnn dismisses Ramona with the one perfectly condescending word: “harmless.” Classic stuff.
Countess LuAnn and Jill Zarin are quickly becoming one of my favorite duos on TV.

FASHION!

Fashion Week in Los Angeles wrapped up about a week ago, and while I didn’t get to hobnob with the trendy elite at Smashbox Studios (home to most of the big fashion shows in the city), I did head over to the BOXeight warehouse to check out a smaller runway show. To be honest, this was the first real fashion show I’d ever been to. Shocking, right? You’d think with my cutting edge Gap wardrobe that I’d have my finger firmly on the pulse of this world, but I regret to inform you that I am woefully disconnected from most sartorially-tinged extravaganzas.
Anyway, there weren’t really any stories from the fashion show, but I brought my camera anyway, hoping that maybe there’d be an errant Project Runway star flitting about (there weren’t). I did have three D-list sightings though. You’ll be very impressed, I’m sure.

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