BIG BROTHER PHOTOCAP: Breaking Up The Family

Big Brother bid adieu to another cast member last night, but the real story wasn’t whether or not Kristen or Hayden were going home but rather that the Chenbot had her first major fashion idiosyncrasy of the season (if we ignore her peculiar demi-pantsuit from the first week). Yes, Julie Chen came to us in what was generally a rather demure and understated outfit… except for the fact that she appeared to have a napkin tied around her neck. I wasn’t sure if she was about to host the show or dig into a bucket of crab legs. Either way, it was one of those magnificent quirks that makes the Chenbot the Chenbot, and I love her for it.

Meanwhile, with Britney opting not to use the veto for fear that Rachel would nominate Lane as a replacement, Kristen and Hayden were left on the block together, forced to duke it out as lovers and, quite possibly, siblings (if you’re to believe what the other house guests believe). The fact that so many house guests apparently refused to believe that there was a secret showmance going on highlights one of the problems of this season. No one is really willing to question their surroundings. With the exception of Brenchel, everyone took Hayden and Kristen’s words at face value about their platonic relationship. Similarly, when Kristen later sniffed out the Brigade, no one really believed her. Or wanted to believe her. Brendon went so far as to call Kristen a liar during his goodbye speech to her when she was eventually kicked out of the house by a near unanimous vote. Everyone is almost afraid to make waves, which would explain why the “floaters” have been targeted so aggressively.

Truth was that Kristen was a little crazy but showed some smarts at the end there. She was right when she told Julie that everyone in the house was too concerned about what the majority might think. That’s why no one joined her crusade to serve up the biggest upset of the season. It’s sort of sad, really. With the exception of Monet, who was more or less worthless, all the evicted cast members have brought their A-game in the final stretch, but somehow they’ve been unable to gain any traction. It’s just too bad that Annie, Andrew, and Kristen waited until the last second to start scheming.

At this point, the only person left in the game who’s made any shrewd moves is — dare I say it? Rachel. Yes, say what you will about her, but her calculated and sneaky scare tactic of suggesting Lane as a replacement nominee was the sort of clever game play I cherish. It made me like Rachel for the next several minutes… until she annoyed me with peels of laughter during that whole — admittedly hilarious — sendup of her by Britney.

As for the new Head of Household, we were stuck with yet another endurance competition, but this one was okay as it forced the house guests to be stuck on a rotating paint while being slapped in the face by a giant foam brush. Oh, and of course, there was random paint splattered on them in a vaguely Pollock manner. I know who the winner is, but I won’t spoil it for you here.

So for now, Kristen must leave the house and return to her boyfriend — perhaps ex-boyfriend — who had to sit and watch his high-waisted lady friend smooch with a mop-topped hayseed hick. I would want to see that argument, but honestly, the thought of hearing Kristen’s screeching accent has me wanting to climb under my bed and never emerge again. I’m sure she would defend herself with all sorts of deluded notions, such as the one she spouted off last night that she played the game with dignity and honor and all that other crap. Sure, that would be fine IF SHE WEREN’T PERPETUALLY LYING ABOUT HER RELATIONSHIP THE ENTIRE TIME.

Whoa. I just got mad. This is good. The season doesn’t really begin until you get irrationally mad about minutia in the house. Yay!

“Good evening. I’m Julie Chen. And I’m wearing a napkin.”

“Tonight, one houseguest will become the most powerful Head of Household ever. BUT FIRST… I will be eating ribs.”

“It’s been a grueling thirty-four days inside the Big Brother house. Almost as grueling as the chicken wings I’m about to eat.”

“Damnit. I don’t WANNA be torn apart.”

“Luckily we’ll always have home.”

“I miss Mom’s cooking.”

“I miss our bunk beds.”

“I miss DOING IT with you in the den.”

Kristen: “I don’t think my boyfriend will be happy about this.”
Hayden: “He’ll get over it. He IS our brother, after all.”

“Rachel wanted to put Lane up on the block? That’s no good. I mean, it’s not like I’m in an alliance with him… or Matt or Hayden… but I just think that’s a threatening move to me for no real reason and certainly not because I’m in a secret alliance, WHICH I’M NOT.”

Enzo: “I’m gonna move my towel back a few feet. Now no one will suspect I’m in an alliance with all yous.”

“Yup, look at us. Just exercising all together in a very un-allied sort of way — as evidenced by Enzo being slightly further back than the rest of us.”

“Oh. My. God. If Ragan farts one more time and claims it’s his way of ‘communicating,’ I’m going to barf. Literally. Barf. Everywhere.”

“Hey, y’all! I’m Rachel! FLOATERS GET A LIFE VEST!!!”

“Hahahaha, that’s funny, Britney. Could I have a hug?”

“When I saw Britney imitating me, I thought it was hi-LAAAAAR-ious!!! But she better remember that AIN’T NO COMIC STYLINGS getting between me and MY MAN!!!”

“Guess what, Julie? I just farted right now! Hey, it’s not so strange for me. That’s just a typical FRIDAY NIGHT IN WEST HOLLYWOOD FOR ME!!!”

C:\Chenbot> ?Input: fart-joke.wav;
ERROR 404: response algorithm not found;
REDIRECT: shutdown.exe

“I think Hayden and Kristen are just precious together. I always knew they’d be a match, ever since I carried them both in my womb.”

“Coming up next, it’s down to Hayden and Kristen. Who will go home? But first, I’m going to a clam bake.”

Rachel: “Hi Julie! I just want to say that ain’t NO VIDEOCONFERENCE gonna get between me and MY MAN!”

“Wow. What a slut. Doesn’t she realize I have a normal haircut? AND DIMPLES. FOR CRYING OUT LOUD, DIMPLES!!!“

“Damn. I should just hook up with one of Kristen’s slutty friends.”
“Um, we’re right here.”

“Kristen better come back with a mop because there’s a whole mess here she has to clean up. Literally. I shat on her bed in anger.”

“I just wanna say that I’m NAT ready to WAKK out that door. You all TAKK about playing smart, but I guess if you vote me out, I GATTA CHAKK that up to you all having a blood CLAT in your brain or somethin’. In conclusion, Hayden is HAT, Rachel is NAT, and I love CACK [cough] CACKATEELS. The bird. You know, cackateels?”

“Kristen, I just want you to know that it breaks my heart that you’ve been evicted. On the other hand, I’m so grateful that I can communicate with you this one last time, and in case you’re wondering why I’m so good at it, that’s because I have a PhD in goodbye videos.”

“Kristen, I can’t believe you would lie and say that a gentleman like Hayden is in an alliance with Enzo, Lane, and Matt. I mean, just because they always hang out together, and just because they quietly scheme together, and just because they sometimes call themselves The Brigade does not an alliance make!”

Rachel: “You are the definition of BITCH. And ain’t no METAPHORICAL DEFINITION getting between me and MY MAN!”

What did you think about the episode? Did the house guests make the right decision?