RACHEL ZOE PHOTOCAP: Oh. My. God. Rachel Zoe Is Back. Literally. LITERALLY. She is LITERALLY Back.

LITERALLY it’s that time of year again. LITERALLY. The Rachel Zoe Project is back, which means that for the next several weeks, I get the distinct pleasure of talking in Zoe-isms on this here blog. It’s kind of my favorite thing to do. The truth is that RZP is still one of the most — if not THE most — vapid shows on television. Quite often I have a difficult time even getting through a full episode (the middle section usually gets bogged down with boring details of some photo shoot). However, despite all this, the series remains my absolute favorite to photocap. From the moment that Brad made his triumphant entrance to Rachel’s apartment last night by uttering “Oh. My. God,” I knew we were back in business Welcome back, Rachel Zoe. Welcome back.

Photocap after the jump…

“Oh my God. How could Tay do this? She was my blessed jewel. Somebody find Tay. Tay? Tay? Where are you? Where is Tay? Is she gone? Or is she just invisible. Oh my God. Is Tay a ghost? Are we in the presence of Ghost Tay? Did she die? Or are we dead? LITERALLY, I’m passing into another dimension. I see the light. And it’s major.”

“Oh my God. Rachel. You fired Taylor? This is a personnelsaster!”

Rachel: “Oh my God. We need to LITERALLY get everything back from Tay. Everything.”
Brad: “Shoes?”
“Everything.”
“Dresses?”
“Everything.”
“Sunglasses?”
“Everything.”
“Oh. My. God. This is literally everything.”
“Everything.”
“I need a moment to take this in.”
“Everything.”
“What if we turned today into opposite day? Then what would we need from Tay?”
“Nothing.”
“Oh. My. God. It’s literally opposite day. Literally.”
“Everything.”
“Oh. My. God. You reversed opposite day!”
“Everything.”
“I am literally going to pass out from anxiety.”
“Everything.”

“I need to find a new assistant. Will you help me, Roge?”
“That’s why I’m here.”
“Wait a second. Where’s my coffee?”
“Right in front of you. Maybe you should take your sunglasses off?”
“Oh my God. I couldn’t see my coffee. I thought it had disappeared.”
“It’s here.”
“Is there such a thing as ghost coffee? Is my coffee a ghost?”
“No.”
“Maybe it can travel through time. Maybe the coffee went to the future and came back with a message.”
“I think that’s unlikely.”
“Coffee? Coffee, can you hear me? Tell me about the future? Did you see Annie Hathaway? Did she look BEYOND?”

“Oh. My. God. Have you felt this table before? LITERALLY it the most amazing table I have ever felt. It’s major. Like, I’ve felt tables, but I’ve never felt a table like this. It’s the Chanel of tables. I LITERALLY want to turn it into a dress and walk to Starbucks in it. Oh my God. I want a Chanel table dress.”

“Roge? Roge? I want you to take me to Cats & Dogs: The Revenge of Kitty Galore. Will you do that for me?”

“Oh my God, Brad. We have to style a giraffe.”
“A giraffe?”
“A giraffe.”
“Like from the zoo?”
“A giraffe.”
“Like the tall things that eat trees?”
“A giraffe.”
“From Toys ‘R’ Us?”
“A giraffe.”
“I’m scared of heights.”
“Me too.”
“If I want to give the giraffe a hat, how will I do it?”
“I don’t know.”
“I don’t want to fall.”
“Oh my God. What if you fell?”
“I think I might.”
“I don’t want you to fall.”
“What if the giraffe wants me to fall?”
“Do you think the giraffe would do that to you?”
“I think he would. Especially if he doesn’t like the hat. It’s McQueen.”
“McQueen is a God among men. And giraffes.”
“Do you think the giraffe will like it?”
“Unclear.”
“LITERALLY, that would be a disaster.”
“A giraffesaster.”
“But the giraffe needs a hat.”
“Sometimes our job is the most dangerous job there is.”

“I want water, but I don’t want to touch the faucet. We’re fighting. Literally, I can’t even look at the faucet. I feel so betrayed. I keep thinking it will get better, but it gets worse and worse. Literally. Our fight is ba-na-nas.”

“Oh my God. Why is Tay using my old agency? That’s so wrong. I am LITERALLY mad. I’m going to tell the giraffe.”

“Oh my God. Have you seen Cats & Dogs: The Revenge of Kitty Galore? Tears. Down my face. So powerful.”

Rachel: “Literally, I skinned a poodle to impress Demi today.”
“You look like Cruella DeVille.”
“I don’t know who that is.”
“She kills puppies.”
“That’s cruel.”
“I know. That’s why she’s Cruella DeVille.”
“I don’t get it.”
“LITERALLY, you guys would NOT get along.”
“Is she like Kitty Galore?”
“Who’s that?”
“An evil cat.”
“I guess they’re similar.”
“Does she like giraffes?”
“No. Dalmatians.”
“I like Dalmatians.”
“But she wants to kill them.”
“Oh my God. That makes me sick, Brad.”
“I know.”
“Sick.”
“I know.”
“Someone should arrest her.”
“She’s a cartoon.”
“How do we arrest a cartoon?”
“We don’t.”
“Did you speak to the police?”
“No.”
“Maybe you should.”
“They can’t arrest a cartoon.”
“Not their jurisdiction?”
“No. Because she’s a cartoon, and humans can’t arrest cartoons.”
“Could you try?”
“I mean, I could try.”
“Good. LITERALLY, Cruella DeVille needs to be stopped. LITERALLY.”

“Oh my God. What did they do to Demi? Did they shrink her? Why did they do that? LITERALLY, she is half her size. Oh my God. She is going to fire me. LITERALLY. Fire me. This is ba-na-nas.”

“Oh. My. God. I hate mice. LITERALLY, I hate them more than anything. More than, like, Nazis. Literally, that mouse is worse than Hitler. Literally. The only thing worse would be if that mouse was literally part of the Nazi party. Literally. I would hate that. Do you think if there are Nazi mice there’s a Hitler mouse? Oh my God. I die. My nightmare. Hitler Mouse.”

Rachel: “That giraffe is beyond.”
“Beyond.”
“I LITERALLY think it’s taller than the Empire State Building.”
“Do you think it will eat Demi?”
“That would be a Demisaster.”
“I’m scared, Rach.”
“If the giraffe eats Demi, then Taylor wins.”
“We can’t have that.”
“Brad, go kill the giraffe.”
“But it’s so big.”
“Literally, it’s going to kill you first.”
“Oh. My. God. It’s a monster.”
“The more I think about it, the more I hate giraffes.”
“They should be called gir-asses because they’re such asses.”
“Literally, I wake up in the middle of the night because I hate giraffes so much. I die. I die.”