Survivor! You know, after this past season of Big Brother, the three photocaps a week kind of killed me. When it was all said and done, I was pretty much burned out, especially when it came to covering CBS shows. I don’t want to bore you with the details, but obtaining the media for these photocaps takes a lot of tedious work, especially when it involves CBS, and by the time this season of Survivor started up (ie. the same day Big Brother ended) I just needed a break. Well, I feel replenished and am back with Survivor photocaps!

I should note that my lack of coverage by no way indicates my interest in the season. So far I’ve actually kind of loved every minute of it. I had low expectations to be honest. Were we really supposed to care that Coach and Ozzy were coming back for redemption? No. But their sagas have proven to be surprisingly interesting (Coach, who started as an outcast with his group is now the leader, whereas things have moved in reverse for Ozzy).

Most importantly, however, is that the casting for this season has been spot-on. We have a great group of generally quirky individuals, most of whom I’ve been eager to see last a bit longer. We haven’t been adrift in a sea of pretty but vapid people. Everyone instead seems just a touch… off? Big Brother and Amazing Race should take notes (and yes, I’m aware that the shows overlap with casting directors).

In terms of those who have already departed, we had the annoying but hilarious Semhar who managed to bust out some silly poetry at the most bizarre moments. We had Mark, a.k.a. Papa Bear, who was both affable and a touch too self-aware about his image. And then we had Stacy, the gruff Mortician whose surly attitude got her kicked out of her tribe, despite being a strong player. That was a shame because I could have watched her for many, many more episodes.

That leaves us with the current crop. Coming into this week’s episode, we still had Elyse, who falls under the “pretty and forgettable” category, but at least she had a defined role in the tribe and the game (Ozzy’s loyal and dangerous ally). No Purple Kelly here.

Elyse had to go to battle against Christine, the salty New York teacher who I can only imagine is a terror to her students. Despite her being a total bitch, I actually love Christine and desperately hope she emerges from Redemption Island to exact revenge on her old tribe mates. Unlike Matt last season, I think she can actually do it.

Matt, as you may remember, was an ardent, evangelist Christian. The same can be said for this season’s most curious character: Brandon Hantz, a nineteen year old lost soul who seems plagued by both his uncle Russell’s legacy on the family name as well as his own personal demons. Like Matt, he has turned to Jesus for salvation, but unlike Matt, Brandon’s religious devotion feels scary and unsettling. There’s no sense of spirituality going on with the guy. Instead, it all feels intangibly dangerous — like those religious nuts who commit horrific crimes in the name of God. Take, for example, his hatred of Mikayla. She’s a generally hot girl who Brandon is clearly attracted to. Instead of just dealing with it, he vilifies her, labels her a temptress, and does whatever he can to destroy her life in the game. It’s all rather disturbing. But great TV!

Luckily Sophie and Albert seem to be on to Brandon’s lunacy. I like both of these players, mostly because they seem like smart people. Then again, with so many jokers around, even Coach seems fairly bright and grounded this season. Heck, he’s actually likable.

Of course, my favorite player of the season is Cochran. Smart, nebbishy, paranoid, awkward, and hilarious, Cochran is a great unlikely hero. He’s managed to survive the first few Tribal Councils, which indicates that he may be in it for the long haul. And if there’s a merge, forget about it. He’s going far, especially with new ally and schemer Jim. I didn’t love Jim at first, but he’s proven to be a shrewd guy (he is a professional poker player after all), and I’m loving his strategic moves. Plus, the fact that Jim and Cochran have pulled Dawn into their quirky alliance makes me oh so happy. She too I thought would be a goner, but somehow she’s stuck around with that perky voice of hers belying a pretty savvy strategical mind in her own right…

Anyway, this week’s episode came down to a vote between the aforementioned Mikayla and the cold, technical, and businesslike Edna. Albert and Sophie thought Edna’s weakness was a liability; Coach and Brandon felt Mikayla’s loyalty was questionable. Actually, scratch that. Only Coach thought that. Brandon just voted against Mikayla because he had given his word that he would do so umpteen days ago and felt he couldn’t break said word, even though now he wanted Edna out. Oy. In the end, the cowboy guy sided with Coach and voted off Mikayla, who now must face Christine next week on Redemption Island (which is more of a courtyard than an island, but I digress). I hope Christine survives another week, but if Mikayla returns to plague Brandon again, that wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world…

“My old alliance is done. The only one I trust is this fish. We’re going to the end together. I gave this fish my word, and I– oh wait, the fish is dead.”

“I miss my tooth.”

Brandon: “I made a promise that I would find the immunity idol, and I know that if I don’t find it, God will view me as a failure. And then my only option will be to slit the necks of three women in order to honor my creator.”
Coach: “Uh, are you sure about that?”
“It’s in the name of God. What’s wrong with that?”

“Listen, I just want to apologize to everyone. I promised myself I wouldn’t come out here and walk like my uncle Russell, but that’s what I did, and I truly apologize. From now on, I will only walk like myself.”

“Um, I just want to apologize for wearing this navy blue shirt. I promised myself I’d wear beige, but I failed myself and my God by wearing blue, and I truly apologize.”

“Hey, I’d like to gather everyone around. When I started this game, I promised myself I wouldn’t go digging in the middle of trees, but that’s what I did. I failed myself, God, and the tree. And I just want to apologize. From now on, no tree digging.”

“Look at those assholes up there. THEY didn’t have to be stuck here on Redemption Island with that poet chick. I swear I wanted to stab myself in the face. Literally, kill me now.”

“I’m just sad because I forgot to set my DVR to record The Nanny.”

“Another miss. This challenge has a bit of a learning curve. That’s my way of saying you ladies both SUCK AT THIS. C’MON GET IT TOGETHER.”

“So… I’m on this show too.”


“Tra la la. Just another technically precise and emotionally sterile jaunt through the woods.”

“I feel like no one truly appreciates my unparalleled skills in creating homemade visors.”

“Has anyone seen my Crocs?”

“Grr. Pete Sampras never wrote back to any of my fan mail.”

Ozzy: “So… you want to make out or something?”
“Yeah, that’d be chill.”

Mikayla: “Good work, team!”
Coach: “Focus, guys.”

Cochran: “You know, I am a student of physics, and given my estimation of the approximate weight of this wheelbarrow and my general understanding of my own strength and stamina, I’d say that the expectations placed on me as a strongman or a ‘barrow-lifter’ of some sort may be wildly unreasonable.”

Brandon: “Edna, I know I promised to wear one of your visors, but I just can’t. And I apologize for that. I’ve failed you and my Creator. And I’m emotional because I’m struggling with the Lord’s path.”
Edna: “What are these emotions you seem to speak of?”

“I’m just going to touch the waterfall with my hand. Does that count?”

“I do have some passing concerns that these rocks may cause light bruising and / or minor scrapes in which any variety of lethal infections could incubate. It’s a legitimate health risk, and I think at this point, it would be best for me to refrain from— oh wait, I’m already sliding down this, aren’t I?”

“Something feels strange. Wait a second… where the HELL is my visor??”

“I like Edna. I really do. But she’s a woman and therefore inherently flawed. She needs to be killed. I’ll apologize after.”

“Hey everyone? I’d like you to come over here. I promised I would pee in the ocean, but I just did, and I am so very sorry. I’ve failed God, the fish, and my underpants.”

Mikayla: “Brandon has been after me since day one, and I don’t know why. I mean, the only legitimate reason he could have to hate me is because of the ridiculous spelling of my name.”

“I think I maaaaaaaaay have a hermit crab in my pants.”

Brandon: “Excuse me, Jeff. I haven’t said anything crazy yet at this Tribal Council. May I have the floor?”

Brandon: “You know, I used to hate you Mikayla on account of the boner you’d give me — which is your fault, not mine — but now I love you, but I have to vote you off because I promised to vote you off, and not Edna, who I used to be loyal to but then stopped for no reason and now I hate her and blame her for being disloyal, even though I’m the one who actually switched sides.”

“You’re going to murder someone in the name of God someday, aren’t you?”

Brandon: “Jeff, penguins love me. I don’t know why, but they do.”

“I will destroy you all.”

What did you think about the episode? How do you like the season so far?

11 replies on “SURVIVOR PHOTOCAP: These People Are All A Little Crazy, Huh?”

  1. Another great recap but seriously the cowboy looks like Ron Swanson from parks & rec. I’m just saying.

  2. Awesome that you feel replenished and can now give us Survivor photo caps! Team Cochran! Or Albert! Boo hiss Ozzy. You arrogant, pretty jungle-boy.

  3. Brandon doesn’t want to be everything he is. His logic is as convoluted as his ramblings about good -v- evil. But bless his heart I love watching Coach squirm and wince when Brandon starts in.
    And why does he raise his hand at TC? Is he like 8 years old and wanting the teacher to call on him so he can rat out the class for misbehaving when the teacher was out of the room.?

    Albert needs to stop wearing so much clothing.


  4. Love the crab caps and closeups. Could we get some like that of Albert in his underoonies?

    Mikayla is a hot chick? I read that somewhere else too and I’m just not getting that. She looks, talks, and acts like an adolescent boy. Hmm.

  5. Huzzah, B-Side Survivor re-caps are back! Missed them.

    Very sad that you didn’t get a chance to re-cap Semhar…I have a feeling it would have been hilarious.

  6. I’m also loving the fact that you are recapping Survivor. I’m a huge fan of Cochran. I just wish he’d keep his mouth shut some time bc he says too much. I’m hoping that he and Jim can both make it to the merge, when some hardcore startegizing should begin. Also loving Sophie, as she seems like a shrewd player. Please Rob let Christine get to call Coach “Benjamin” to his face, and please let Brandon have a total breakdown when they vote him out. At this point everyone prolly wants to keep him though bc they all look better next to crazy BabyHanz.

  7. one more thing- let’s not forget Ozzy’s “dumb bitch” move of telling his whole tribe that he has the indiv. idol. Obvs the third time is NOT a charm for him in improving his gameplay.

  8. Still surprised that after a long discussion about the ‘6’ (that he is not a part of) at TC the cowboy VOTED FOR EDNA! No wonder he gets little camera time.

    Thanks for getting back on track with the survivor recaps!

  9. I really hope Brandon makes it far enough along to be on the jury. I can’t imagine better tv than Brandon’s jury question at the finale.

  10. Yay! So glad that Survivor photocaps are back. I was hoping that you would start doing them again. Cochran is my fave, too. And I don’t hate Coach this time. It’s weird.

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