REAL HOUSEWIVES OF BEVERLY HILLS PHOTOCAP: Unpacking Taylor’s Emotional Baggage

What’s better than one erratic, emotional breakdown? Two erratic emotional breakdowns! Yes, we had all sorts of instability on last night’s Real Housewives of Beverly Hills. First, we resumed with Taylor, who when we last saw her was bawling her tight little eyes out in a jacuzzi with Kyle Richards. Between the altitude, the bubbles, and the bubbly, she had found herself three (or perhaps thirty-three) sheets to the wind. I had merely thought she was simply emotional, but as we soon learned, Taylor was in a good ol’ fashioned downward spiral. Yay!

After her pseudo-therapy session with Kyle in the hot tub, Taylor headed indoors to get ready for dinner, but not before flopping down on a bed beside Kim and seeking forgiveness for her hostile behavior last season. It was a bit strange, but nice I suppose. Even stranger was that the ever fragile Kim found herself doling out advice to this trembling fawn by her side. Watching Kim acting like the rock in this situation — or any situation — was highly bizarre.

Well, once Taylor had vented suitably, she meandered into Kim’s closet and burrowed herself into her suitcase, which actually wasn’t as crazy as it sounds. It was more an act of drunken silliness than the mental decay the previews would have had us believe. Oh but don’t worry. Taylor did lose it. All it took was a sudden makeup bag emergency to push Lips McGee over the edge.

Yes, when Tay Tay couldn’t find her blue makeup clutch, all hell broke loose. She became convinced that someone had found it, angrily lashing out at all the girls around her. MAKEUP BAGSASTER!!!

But oh wait: it was in the bathroom. Never mind!

Once the bag as retrieved, Taylor then degraded into simply sadsack, spending the entire dinner crying with her face looking literally like an emoticon. It wasn’t a good look.

Best of all was Adrienne Maloof who offered her soft-touch in the empathy department: “YOU’RE HAVING A NERVOUS BREAKDOWN.”

Thanks!

Well, the girls all tried to sooth Taylor — Kim went so far as to wag a napkin in her face, which I found to be a rather unorthodox form of consolation — and from what I can tell, Taylor eventually went to sleep and returned to normal. Nevertheless, we caught up with the ladies upon their return to Los Angeles where they then spent the rest of the episode theorizing about Taylor’s situation.

Finally, we moved on to disaster #2 in the last ten minutes of the show. Paul and Adrienne were headed up to an emotionally turbulent Sacramento Kings game (as it was likely to be the last in Sac-Town), and for whatever reason, Adrienne had decided to invite Kim along. Not a wise move.

Well, after some debate over safety concerns (Paul feared angry fans would hurl soda at his wife), the happy couple headed to their private plane where they were to meet Kim, but alas, no Kim! And so Adrienne called up our fragile little friend, who answered the phone in a disoriented, bizarre state. First Kim didn’t even recognize Adrienne’s name. Then she babbled incomprehensibly about a power outage, feeling terrible, a ponytail, and her love for the planes at whatever airport they were at (I assume Van Nuys). It was… strange. In the end, Kim announced that she’d be leaving her house in ten minutes, and given that she lives in Westlake Village, which is nowhere near anywhere, this meant Adrienne and Paul would be waiting for forty-five minutes at least. In fact, when he predicted an hour wait, that sounded more realistic.

How will this (possibly drunken) disaster resolve itself? I guess we’ll find out next week…

Kyle: “I’m just going to stare at you until you cry.”

Kyle: “Oh this wine looks lovely. What is it?”
“It’s actually hair oil I collected from my tinsel.”

“I just went Oklahoma on this suitcase.”

Kim: “Just so you know, I plan on having a similar breakdown in about two days.”

Lisa: “Taylor, do stop throwing your poo around.”

Kyle: “We have a situation downstairs.”
Lisa: “Yes. Taylor won’t stop singing ‘I’m a Yankee Doodle Dandy.’ It’s quite dreadful.”

Camille: “So should I tell Allison DuBois to skip dinner?”

Taylor: “I’m so sorry. I don’t mean to be a crazy bitch, but quite frankly Camille, I simply can’t be served carrots tonight. I CAN’T!”

“Did I remember to DVR Two and a Half Men?“

“Ugh. I wanted to have a nervous breakdown tonight.”

“Hey Taylor, nice ‘breakdown.’ Wait two days, and I’ll show you how it’s REALLY done, BIATCH.”

“Taylor, stop crying, or I’ll flap this napkin in your face all night.”
Taylor: “Wow. That is REALLY annoying.”

“Kim, I don’t care what you say, I know that’s a napkin and not a violin.”

“Maybe I should serve everyone martinis in beer steins.”

“Sooo…. that was awful.”

Camille: “Okay. I’m ready to balance champagne flutes on my breasts now.”

Lisa: “The power of Christ compels you!”
“Lisa, please stop exorcising me.”

“Hi Kim, it’s Adrienne and Paul.”
“Who?”
“Adrienne and Paul.”
“WHO?”
“ADRIENNE AND PAUL!”
“From Disney? Oh great. I was thinking that I have this– well, it’s not really an idea, but a concept–“
“No, sweetheart. It’s your friends. We’re not executives with Disney.”
“Oh. I feel terrible. Really terrible. Like, horrible.”
“That’s okay. What’s wrong?”
“Is Mickey there? Remember me Mickey? Remember we used to play together with Goofy and–“
“Kim. Kim, what’s wrong?”
“I want to put my hair in a ponytail.”
“Okay. You can do that.”
“But my power went out, and I… I feel terrible. Because I just love the planes at that airport. They’re lovely planes.”
“Kim, have you been drinking?”
“The power went out.”
“Are you drunk?”
“I… tried to turn on the flashlight and accidentally drank a cup of vodka.”
“Oh geez.”
“I’ll be there in ten minutes. I want to see the planes. They’re so pretty.”
“Kim, maybe stay home.”
“I… I want a cantaloupe.”
“You can have that.”
“And I want someone to stick a little cocktail umbrella in it.”
“Okay?”
“I… I’m sorry. My ponytail fell out. I feel terrible. I… I…”
“Kim? Are you there?”
“I… I need to go.”
Paul: “That was scary.”
Adrienne: “SHUT UP, YOU.”

What did you think about the episode? Whose breakdown was more erratic?