Oh the joys of Big Brother. After dominating the house for so many weeks, the Veterans finally saw their numbers take a hit last night when two of them — Brendon and Jordan — faced down elimination, thanks to dissent in their ranks (Daniele). Even worse for the likes of anti-floater advocate Rachel, their fates were all in the hands of the floaterlicious Newbies. Will the horrors never cease?
It doesn’t take a genius to figure out how this all went down. Despite some misdirection about Jordan getting the boot on account of her status as a one time BB winner, the house almost unanimously voted out Brendon. The only votes for him to stay came from Rachel and Porsche, who together shall make a deliriously daffy alliance from this point on. I can’t wait to see their pouty strategy sessions and inevitable implosion. They will be almost as exhilaratingly awful as Rachel’s pouty strategy sessions with Brendon, which reached a new level of histrionics last night what with the bawling in the hammock and whaling about poor job prospects. Luckily for Rachel, Brendon will be curing cancer; so she can just sit back on his millions and watch Oprah all day. Oh shoot, Oprah’s cancelled. IT JUST NEVER GETS ANY BETTER FOR RACHEL, DOES IT?
Watching Rachel’s mouth squiggle into a Peanuts frown every two minutes of last night’s episode was hilarious — whether it be on the hammock, on the couch, or in the Diary Room as she cast her vote to evict Jordan. Pretty much the only person to outshine Rachel’s emotional display was The Chenbot herself, who seemed to have spent the previous eighteen hours staring head-first into a wind tunnel. That hair was big. Sadly, no cape.
Nevertheless, it was clear Brendon was going home, and if his teary-eyed goodbye speech wasn’t indication enough, one only had to look over at Jordan, who wasn’t wearing anything resembling the eviction dress she apparently had reserved for her big bow out of the game. Sartorial spoiler, JORDAN.
In other exciting fashion news, Adam tried to be hilarious in his elf costume, but his little dance was met with a thud. I get the sense that it’s a joke that he and only he has been laughing at all week. Not a lot of rooting on and cheering by his fellow house guests. Still, it was better than Lawon’s latest atrocity, some sort of checkerboard blazer gone horribly awry. I don’t know what sort of a statement he’s trying to make, but it’s not enjoyable. Amusingly, I spoke to a friend this week who said that Lawon works at the Sony studio lot and is always walking around in similarly outrageous and eye-catching outfits. So basically… he’s like this ALL THE TIME.
Meanwhile, Evel Dick made a return appearance to pretty much trash his daughter and talk about her need to emerge from his shadow. Now that’s what you call a dad. Amazing they haven’t spoken in three years!
Of course, the best part of the live shows is rarely the eviction but the change of power, and on last night’s Head of Household, Kalia somehow pulled out a huge win, causing her to cry with the sort of joy normally reserved for sweepstakes winners and recipients of Extreme Makeover: Home Edition revamps. I guess she can’t be accused of being a floater anymore, especially given that Kalia represents the first Newbie to reach HoH status. Now things will get ah-real interesting, especially with the looming twist next week which might send one of the previously four evicted house guests back into the compound. I sense that Dominic will win, which would be fine, but personally, I’m rooting for Cassie, just for the girl-on-girl clashes. Then again, if she returns and Rachel leaves, it would be all for naught.
Whatever the scenario, please do NOT vote back Brendon.
“Good evening. I’m Julie Chen, and I’ve been on a motorcycle.”
“Good evening. I’m Julie Chen. And I just went hang gliding.”
“Good evening. I’m Julie Chen, and I just listened to a high quality Maxell audio cassette.”
“Y’all, I hope if I get evicted they tell me because I done bought an eviction dress. It’s from Target and everything.”
“Baby, I don’t want you to cry. Every day that I’m gone, I’ll text you a pic of my penis.”
“Daniele, you tell me what to do. You are the VIP here. I will serve you. Almost like a VIP Waitress might… not that I have any experience with such a LUXURIOUS lifestyle.”
“Can we talk about what we love most about Booki?”
“No one likes me. I’ll never get a job. I’m crazy! JOB HUNTERS GRAB YOUR RESUMES!”
“AIN’T NO EMOTIONS GETTING BETWEEN ME AND MY PROSPECTIVE EMPLOYERS!”
“Seriously, Brendon. Stop clutching my face. I don’t believe in cheek hugs.”
Brendon: “I don’t know what I’ll do without you. Who will I hug? Who will I talk down to? Who will I cure cancer for? And behind whose back will I send dick pics?”
“Yup. Still aging.”
“Okay, I promised myself I wouldn’t cry. Who am I kidding? I’m an enormous pussy.”
“So this morning I was making coffee, and that always makes me think of Starbucks, and I wondered if bucks could ever go into space near the stars. And that got me to thinking about astronaut deer. And then I thought of Bambi in one of those space camp things that go around and around. And that reminded me of when I was at a carnival, and I went on the Scrambler. And that made me think of eggs. And one time I tried to deposit three eggs at the bank. And they were like ‘you can’t put eggs in a safe.’ And that’s when I realized: I’ll be safe this week!”
“Julie, I think I just pooped on this chair.”
“Do you guys have any job openings?”
“It’s sort of crazy to say this, but me dressed as an elf is still better than Lawon dressed as Lawon.”
“HOOOOOO-WEEEE!!! My blazer is CAH-RAY-ZEEEEEE!!!!!”
“Can we hug again right after this?”
“Brendon, are you seriously asking for a hug DURING a hug?”
“Oh Shelly, I can’t believe you organized a flash mob with the Black Eyed Peas just for me. I’m taking you to Australia with my good friend John TravOLLLLLLLLLLLTAAAAAAAA!!!!!”
“Um, Kalia. Here’s your key. Kalia? Your key? Okay, now this is awkward.”
What did you think about the results? And who do you want to come back?