Oh the joys of Big Brother. After dominating the house for so many weeks, the Veterans finally saw their numbers take a hit last night when two of them — Brendon and Jordan — faced down elimination, thanks to dissent in their ranks (Daniele). Even worse for the likes of anti-floater advocate Rachel, their fates were all in the hands of the floaterlicious Newbies. Will the horrors never cease?
It doesn’t take a genius to figure out how this all went down. Despite some misdirection about Jordan getting the boot on account of her status as a one time BB winner, the house almost unanimously voted out Brendon. The only votes for him to stay came from Rachel and Porsche, who together shall make a deliriously daffy alliance from this point on. I can’t wait to see their pouty strategy sessions and inevitable implosion. They will be almost as exhilaratingly awful as Rachel’s pouty strategy sessions with Brendon, which reached a new level of histrionics last night what with the bawling in the hammock and whaling about poor job prospects. Luckily for Rachel, Brendon will be curing cancer; so she can just sit back on his millions and watch Oprah all day. Oh shoot, Oprah’s cancelled. IT JUST NEVER GETS ANY BETTER FOR RACHEL, DOES IT?
Watching Rachel’s mouth squiggle into a Peanuts frown every two minutes of last night’s episode was hilarious — whether it be on the hammock, on the couch, or in the Diary Room as she cast her vote to evict Jordan. Pretty much the only person to outshine Rachel’s emotional display was The Chenbot herself, who seemed to have spent the previous eighteen hours staring head-first into a wind tunnel. That hair was big. Sadly, no cape.
Nevertheless, it was clear Brendon was going home, and if his teary-eyed goodbye speech wasn’t indication enough, one only had to look over at Jordan, who wasn’t wearing anything resembling the eviction dress she apparently had reserved for her big bow out of the game. Sartorial spoiler, JORDAN.
In other exciting fashion news, Adam tried to be hilarious in his elf costume, but his little dance was met with a thud. I get the sense that it’s a joke that he and only he has been laughing at all week. Not a lot of rooting on and cheering by his fellow house guests. Still, it was better than Lawon’s latest atrocity, some sort of checkerboard blazer gone horribly awry. I don’t know what sort of a statement he’s trying to make, but it’s not enjoyable. Amusingly, I spoke to a friend this week who said that Lawon works at the Sony studio lot and is always walking around in similarly outrageous and eye-catching outfits. So basically… he’s like this ALL THE TIME.
Meanwhile, Evel Dick made a return appearance to pretty much trash his daughter and talk about her need to emerge from his shadow. Now that’s what you call a dad. Amazing they haven’t spoken in three years!
Of course, the best part of the live shows is rarely the eviction but the change of power, and on last night’s Head of Household, Kalia somehow pulled out a huge win, causing her to cry with the sort of joy normally reserved for sweepstakes winners and recipients of Extreme Makeover: Home Edition revamps. I guess she can’t be accused of being a floater anymore, especially given that Kalia represents the first Newbie to reach HoH status. Now things will get ah-real interesting, especially with the looming twist next week which might send one of the previously four evicted house guests back into the compound. I sense that Dominic will win, which would be fine, but personally, I’m rooting for Cassie, just for the girl-on-girl clashes. Then again, if she returns and Rachel leaves, it would be all for naught.
Whatever the scenario, please do NOT vote back Brendon.
“Good evening. I’m Julie Chen, and I’ve been on a motorcycle.”
“Good evening. I’m Julie Chen. And I just went hang gliding.”
“Good evening. I’m Julie Chen, and I just listened to a high quality Maxell audio cassette.”
“Y’all, I hope if I get evicted they tell me because I done bought an eviction dress. It’s from Target and everything.”
“Baby, I don’t want you to cry. Every day that I’m gone, I’ll text you a pic of my penis.”
“Daniele, you tell me what to do. You are the VIP here. I will serve you. Almost like a VIP Waitress might… not that I have any experience with such a LUXURIOUS lifestyle.”
“Can we talk about what we love most about Booki?”
“NO.”
“No one likes me. I’ll never get a job. I’m crazy! JOB HUNTERS GRAB YOUR RESUMES!”
“AIN’T NO EMOTIONS GETTING BETWEEN ME AND MY PROSPECTIVE EMPLOYERS!”
“Seriously, Brendon. Stop clutching my face. I don’t believe in cheek hugs.”
Brendon: “I don’t know what I’ll do without you. Who will I hug? Who will I talk down to? Who will I cure cancer for? And behind whose back will I send dick pics?”
“Yup. Still aging.”
“Okay, I promised myself I wouldn’t cry. Who am I kidding? I’m an enormous pussy.”
“So this morning I was making coffee, and that always makes me think of Starbucks, and I wondered if bucks could ever go into space near the stars. And that got me to thinking about astronaut deer. And then I thought of Bambi in one of those space camp things that go around and around. And that reminded me of when I was at a carnival, and I went on the Scrambler. And that made me think of eggs. And one time I tried to deposit three eggs at the bank. And they were like ‘you can’t put eggs in a safe.’ And that’s when I realized: I’ll be safe this week!”
“Julie, I think I just pooped on this chair.”
“Whoa.”
“Do you guys have any job openings?”
“It’s sort of crazy to say this, but me dressed as an elf is still better than Lawon dressed as Lawon.”
“HOOOOOO-WEEEE!!! My blazer is CAH-RAY-ZEEEEEE!!!!!”
“Can we hug again right after this?”
“Brendon, are you seriously asking for a hug DURING a hug?”
“Oh Shelly, I can’t believe you organized a flash mob with the Black Eyed Peas just for me. I’m taking you to Australia with my good friend John TravOLLLLLLLLLLLTAAAAAAAA!!!!!”
“Um, Kalia. Here’s your key. Kalia? Your key? Okay, now this is awkward.”
What did you think about the results? And who do you want to come back?
You know Porsche only voted for Jordan to keep Rachel from drowning her in the hot tub after the live show – I would like to see Kalia put up Rachel and Porsche for eviction, and see Cassie duke it out to come back. Although seeing Rachel and Brendon fight for the chance to come back would be interesting (for about 3 seconds)
I totally concur with your comment! 🙂
My roommate and I decided that Julie had just gotten laid… but really, bravo on the high quality Maxell audio cassette.
Also I’ve never felt bad for Rachel until the photo/caption combo of “Do you guys have any job openings?” I think you might have hit the nail right on the head there.
Everyone must vote Cassi back just for the Rachel torture factor alone!! Cassi over bukie!?! America really hates you!
The second Julie Chen came on screen last night with that hair I immediately thought ” I can’t wait to see the photocap on BSIDE Blog tomorrow.” That was just awesomely terrible! Love it!
And another huge winner from Bside! Well, maybe the haircut. 🙂 Looks too much like Brendon.
Just kidding, Ben. Really! You look great with the short, short hair.
I have been thinking Ben should grow his hair out and have a part and everything.
I would love Cassi to come back. I do not know if she could beat Rachel in a competition but I think she could beat Shelly if Shelly was evicted. I would love Cassie to be the houseguest that comes back. I do not want Brendan or Dominic. Neither Rachel or Dani loved Cassi so that would be fun. It is always fun when the houseguests discover the way the public is reacting.
Porsche is pretty much in Dani and Kalia’s alliance since just like Dani, Porsche got sick of Rachel and the other vets crap. Who wants to sit with a half-crazed (or full crazed?) whiner that only cries. It was funny when Brendon was still there and Porsche said to Rachel “Can you stop moping around? You’re still here, get over it” And made Rachel madder. I really want to see Shelly and Rachel on the block, cause if everyone says they don’t trust Shelly why the hell do they keep letting her slide by? Loved the “job openings” cap 😀
Ok, I keep reading about Brendon and texting pics of his penis. Did that really happen? I must have missed that part. I couldn’t wait to see what you said about Chenbots hair! Love it!
After Rachel cast her tearful sad vote to evict Jordan, did you hear the audience laughing at her? I had to rewind just to make sure
Oy Kalia it gonna be a long week
I would like Cassi to come back just to stir things up but usually who ever comes back is usually the next evicted
I can’t believe I’m going to Vote for Brenden. Dani needs to go because she is sooo over confident.
I’ve seriously just found your BLOG and was laughing out loud for real! I’m sure my neighbors are wondering what’s wrong with me! ROFL
I always have to giggle at your Lawon captions. I’m still in shock over the comment that he dresses this way IRL…
I’m voting for Cassi to come back not only because of the dynamics in the house, but also because she never once took a shower while she was there.
Is this TRUE??? Do you have the live feeds? If so, this shocks me, because CBS.com purports her to be an active model. I don’t imagine if word about this got out among the higher-ups in her profession, she’d have much work coming her way…
Damn… and I was so smitten with her. I’ve literally searched her on Google images… now I am so ashamed. Just goes to show what they say about a book and its cover… 🙁
My friends have the feeds and are diligently reporting on them, thankfully. They all said how she never took a shower. It may not be a hygiene thing, maybe she was afraid of getting her birthday suit on the internet and such. I’ll give her the benefit of the doubt, but I still think Kalia is awful.
Good evening. I’m Julie Chen. And my hair was done by the Toddlers and Tiaras crew.
Too bad Lawon’s diary room proclamations of being a ‘badass motherfucker who is gonna tear it up and win’ is the only time he seems even remotely involved in this game.
He’s basically baggage to Kalia & Dani – they should call him Samsonite.
hb
The Oprah reference is HYSTERICAL!!! Laughing out loud
The more I’m seeing of Shelly, the less I’m starting to like and support her. I like that she’s solidly behind team J/J – but I feel like she may be selling out her “southern roots” for the money.
anyone else see the fish for a second on the screen? anyone? no ? just me? okay
yeah Booki and Rachel are huge cry babies lord Jordan made me proud she didn’t drop a tear in Jeff’s direction! Hope Rachel gets the boot next she is annoying the hell out of me!! great recap per us….
I saw them too. I was happy because my friends who watch the feeds talk about the fish and I never knew what they were talking about. I thought it would be like the tropical fish screensaver, but now I’ve seen it for myself. It’s the little things that make me happy.
You must not read jokers or watch feeds cause Jordo cried and moped and bitched and was bitchy about Jeff getting nom’d. As much as people bag on Rachel she’s not alone in crying. I think only Adam, Lawon, and Porsche have not shed a tear.
Bside, I beg to differ. I don’t want Brendon to come back either but watching Brendon and Rachel compete to see who gets to go back in the house? That would be awesome. Because Brendon realized before his eviction that falling on his sword for Rachel was a huge mistake and she was going to fall apart without him – and I think he’ll fight against her to get back in. It’ll be hilarious.