Oh those McCord-Vankempens can’t seem to stay out of trouble. After a week of peace and calm on The Real Housewives of New York City, all hell broke out once again when Simon, an alleged cyberbully, got into it with Jill and Kelly. The whole scenario was quite silly and totally avoidable. But what fun would that be?

It all started when Simon approached Jill at Cindy’s party and told her he still had some issues with her. He requested that they go have lunch and clear the air. Jill was rather surprised by this, but she decided to go along with it. Kelly, however, was horrified by it all. The moment Simon left Jill’s side, Kelly got right in her ear and expressed how strange the scenario was. I agreed — it was strange. Everything had been smoothed over between Jill and Alex; so why rock the boat now? That being said, I didn’t agree with Kelly’s suggestion that Jill just outright turn Simon away. Please remember that this is a woman who hates confrontation so much she probably gallops out of every DMV the moment someone tells her to stand in a different line. Getting sound advice from her is probably not the wisest decision (even though Kelly has been the unlikely voice of reason all season long).

Anyway, Jill decided Kelly was right, and so she marched over to Simon and told him she didn’t want to meet — if she and Alex were in a good place, then Simon should be in a good place too. Simon bristled at this rejection and bizarrely replied, “Watch out!”

It didn’t really make any sense, and I tend to think it was probably just some strange brain fart that came out of him, but either way, it was vaguely threatening, and considering he had a rep as a cyberbully that he was trying to dispel, this didn’t seem like the smartest thing to say. Of course, Jill ran back and told the other women what had happened, and they all buzzed about in shock and dismay, particularly LuAnn, who arrived just as this was all going down. She was only too happy to dismiss Simon’s behavior and indirectly remind everyone that THEY (Silex) were of a lower caste than everyone else.

Well, soon Kelly was in a total tizzy and asked Simon to come speak to the girls about the “mean tweeting,” but he refused and snapped at Kelly, telling her to back off. I really wasn’t sure who was in the wrong here. It wasn’t Kelly’s business, but Simon wasn’t earning any brownie points either. Ultimately, he and Alex left the party, and the issue ballooned into a dire Friends vs. Simon dilemma for Alex.

Of course, it wasn’t really a dilemma because clearly Alex would always side with her husband, but at this point, the whole central issue had become totally muddled. I didn’t think anyone was asking Alex to choose sides. I think the girls just wanted Alex to tell her husband to stop tweeting miserable things at them. I’m all for standing up for your spouse, but I think it’s not disloyal to tell your husband, “Hey, could you stop doing this? It’s making unnecessary drama in my life.”

Nevertheless, the brunettes then spent the rest of the episode murmuring about Simon and Alex while Silex reassured themselves that they were in the right. Is it safe to say that everyone was in the wrong? And is it safe to say that if Jill had just gone to lunch with Simon instead of listening to Kelly that this all could have been avoided?

You know, it wasn’t too long ago that Mario pissed off LuAnn by calling her Countless or the Discountess or something like that, and if I remember, LuAnn was RATHER unpleased by his unwillingness to apologize to her. It seems awfully unfair that a one-on-one with LuAnn and Mario is acceptable but not Simon and Jill.

Ultimately, Kelly summoned Alex to lunch, and we got to see some classic Bensimon arguing at last. She started off by asking if Alex was okay — almost as if Alex had been abused by big, bad Simon (who admittedly was very scary in what I like to call the black leather body condom that he wore to Ramona’s party). Kelly then delivered her usual grab bag of phrases — “weird” “creepy” “it’s just” — etc. The sad thing was that Kelly was actually sort of in the right. She was basically saying “Tell your husband to stop,” but Alex interpreted it as “It’s us or your husband.”

Of course, when Alex tried to get a word in edgewise, Kelly just bulldozed over her until finally, she decided the conversation was over. It was one of those frustrating moments where you just want to shake your fist and yell “Bensimoooooon!!!!” The highlight, though, was Kelly ordering Alex to stop turning red as if Alex had any control over the involuntary hues her skin turns when agitated. Needless to say, this discussion did not end well. But it was a teensy bit better than with LuAnn; so… progress?

Elsewhere in the episode, we had more trials and tribulations with Sonja, whose latest drama seemed to stem from a clogged toilet. She called over a plumber but then volunteered to do the dirt work herself by sticking her hand in the toilet and pulling out… a Blackberry? What the? Even worse, there was no explanation for why there was a Blackberry in her toilet. From one kooky beat to another, Sonja then transitioned to a feng shui session wherein a heavily plastic surgeried woman hemmed and hawed about whether or not to align a bed on an axis of prosperity. Very serious stuff.

Later in the episode, Sonja received a big surprise when she learned that Ramona’s birthday party was actually a joint Ramona-Sonja birthday party. This resulted in tears, old photos (which were amazing), and general yammering. We also got to see strangely hilarious footage of Jill interrogating a waiter over a scallop hors d’oeuvre.

Lastly, we had Cindy, who did little but be ultra neurotic this episode. She oddly brought only ONE twin to lunch with her parents, and after a whole five minutes at the table, she called an employee to rid herself of the kid. I would not say she has a maternal touch. Plus, we delved deeper into Cindy’s neuroses as she struggled with travel arrangements for a future vacation she’d be taking. How would she travel with the twins? It would be so difficult! Ultimately she concluded that she’d just have to sit in first with the twins on her lap. Because that wouldn’t annoying ANYONE. I mean… seriously?

Guy: “Cindy Barshop just bejeweled ‘Seriously?’ onto my pubes. I mean… seriously?”

“Simon, you’re making my liquid face lift fall.”

“I don’t know what Simon is saying to Jill, but I’m sure it’s NOT classy, and I cannot WAIT to remind Jill of that.”

“This is my way of showing sexy disapproval.”

“You know what? I really don’t want to share my Olive Garden Groupon with you anymore.”

“Simon, you’re weird. It’s weird. You’re mean tweeting.”
“No, I’m not. But if I were, WATCH OUT.”
“What does that mean? That’s weird.”
“It means WATCH OUT.”
“That’s weird.”

Brad: “Next time you ladies are in Paris, I invite you all to my home. It’s this wonderful old tower that looks over the whole city. It’s such an eyeful, so I call it the Eiffel Tower. But it’s really my place. Come!”

“THIS is why I don’t quit smoking. Because I get into fights with all your friends. Now, where’s my black leather body condom?”

“This Blackberry has the worst manners. OUT OF MY TOILET!”

“Okay, so great. What’s next? I give you a blow job or something? That’s what happens in those movies, right?”

“You don’t understand how hard it is being broke. My only income is holding Bethenny’s dog for ransom.”

“You know, now that we’ve moved my bed thirty degrees to the right, I think the money’s reeeeally gonna start coming in.”

Kelly: “Be honest, Jill: who does this pose better? Me or LuAnn?”

“I would like a croissant.”

“I was just going to say that!”

“I can’t believe you found all these people from my past! Are they… suing me?”

Hey lady behind Ramona, STOP STARING AT THE CAMERA.

“Oh gosh, I lost the other twin. Would you believe this? She’s probably back on the sidewalk somewhere.”
Cindy’s mom: “Maybe you should look for her?”
“Nah. My boyfriend will find her.”
“Your boyfriend! Who is this?”
“Oh you know him. He’s your son, Howie.”

“Alex, are you okay?”

“Of course, why?”

“You’re being weird.”

“What do you mean?”

“Your husband? He’s weird.”

“Simon and I are one unit. Anything you say about him, you’re saying about me.”

“I want him to stop mean tweeting.”

“Simon is his own person. If you have an issue with Simon, tell him.”

“But I thought you guys were the same unit.”

“We are. We’re like one joint body wrapped in a black leather body condom… with a zipper.”

“That’s weird. Stop turning red.”

“I can’t help it.”

“Stop it. Tell your body to stop.”

“It’s involuntary.”

“Weird. Creepy. Reenter and be normal.”

“Kelly, here’s how I feel about this–“

“I don’t want to talk about this anymore. I said what I have to say. Let’s not dwell on the past. Ooh, pancakes! HIEEEE!!!!”


“Shhhh… shhhhhhhh… shhhhhhhhhhh… pancakes.”


“Close your eyes.”

“I have to speak.”

“Shhh. Close your eyes.”

“Okay. They’re closed. Now let me say–“

“Now open them.”

“Kelly, this is not productive.”

“Shhhhhh… shhhhhhhhh… PANCAKES!!!”

What did you think about this episode?

26 replies on “REAL HOUSEWIVES OF NYC PHOTOCAP: Systematic Bullying!”

  1. I would rather read these recaps lately than sit thru the show.

    Jill and Kelly really should consider getting a liquid face lift on their necks.

    Shhhhhhhhhhhhhh…close your eyes

    1. Kelly should consider the liquid concrete face lift, with a healthy amount over that yap of hers.

      1. Kelly has old woman hands. Did anyone notice that in the picture with her and Luann? They look very old.

        Also, if anyone had done to her what she did to Alex, she would have called it bullying. So, I immediately discredit anything she says. Plus, she’s CRAAZY.

        1. what was great is that we saw a glimmer of crazy kelly just lurking beneath the surface. If alex had ANY ability to think on her feet, she could have pushed her over the edge. I was waiting for it, but then she’s no Bethenny.

    2. Thank God I can fast forward. The minute I see Kelly’s face I hit the button….she is not normal. Acts like a child. Wish they would take her off the show. She adds nothing!!

  2. When Sonja pulled that phone out of the toilet I almost died! It is weird but I am feeling sympathetic towards Sonja lately.

    Kelly telling Alex she is going to be “iced out” was sort of mean.

    Cindy was truly uncomfortable around her child. It was kind of difficult to watch.

    Love your recap B-side!

    1. I don’t understand why Alex is so desperate to get the approval, and acceptance, of these women who obviously hate her. Obviously, this relationship is just for the show but still, her and simon just look so desperate – when in actuality they are much better than those bitches. Yes, Simon is a bit creepy, but it sure looks to me like Alex and Simon have a pretty good marriage.

  3. I totally agree that no one was asking Alex to choose them or her husband. But as his wife and his tie to this group, it’s her responsibility to reign him in on his mean tweeting. He acts like he is the 8th housewife. I don’t think it is unreasonable to ask Alex to tell him to knock that shit off and I don’t think they need to go directly to him to make that request. “The body condom stays on” as the guy tried to take their coats.

    Kelly should be saying “OOOOOOOOH…pancake!” as she made it very clear she only wanted ONE

    1. Except that Simon doesn’t have a history of doing any mean tweeting (whatever the hell that means) at all, and it’s JZ who’s actually the biggest cyber-bully this side of the Mississippi. Possibly on the other side of the Mississippi too. She just keeps calling Simon a cyber-bully and a mean-tweeter without having to show any evidence or anything, and then her flying monkeys keep repeating the accusations and, voila, before you know it people start believing it’s all true. It ain’t. And it’s especially effed up that Kelly keeps calling Simon a bully and a “meantweeeter,” being that Simon kindly helped her set up and then re-do her twitter account when it got hacked or whatever. He’s been nothing but nice to her, and for that he get’s attacked and falsely accused on national television. Don’t get me wrong. I can see why SImon comes across as creepy to a lot of people. But this whole “let’s all throw shit at Simon and see what sticks” campaign is ridiculous. And Kelly demanding that Alex stop turning red after being berated by Kelly? Oh Dear God, what is wrong with this woman?

      They need to recast this entire group, IMO.

    2. I agree, but remember – these are the most incoherent group of women on the planet (ok mebbe except for NJ). If it were any “normal” group of friends, one would just take Alex aside and pretty much just tell her exactly that, “could you tell your husband to stop?”

      but you know it’s bad when Kelly is the spokesperson? I mean, seriously? (sorry, couldn’t help it)

  4. If you slip your phone in your back pocket while drinking lots of pinot, your phone will fall in the toilet when you pee. It has almost happened to me.

  5. Team Brunette are the Mean Girls. Jill is the Queen of bullying and then hiding behind her flying monkeys. Even Anderson Cooper (who is a God) thinks LuAnn is a joke.


  6. bside, i thought the total same thing! alex was totally contradicting herself! she went back and forth between saying that simoan and her were one, but then said that he was his own person and that kelly needed to talk to him! if simon is indeed mean tweeting, and alex truly is friends with these people, she SHOULD tell simon to stop! to quote kelly, it is weird.

    1. But again, that’s a big IF. Considering that he never actually did anything bad to Kelly OR to Jill, what exactly should she tell him to stop doing? Should Alex tell Simon to stop making Jill and Kelly falsely accuse him of of things? Also, if it’s really so horrifying for one of these chicks to be approached by the husband of one of the other housewives, how come it was perfectly OK when Bobby did just that to Alex last season? He pulled her aside at Sonja’s house, when Simon was not present, and told her to stop picking on Jill, on camera. Jill and Kelly didn’t seem to have a problem with that Man on Housewife action, yet the very thought of a luncheon with big tough Simon Van Feminine frightens them? Kelly already took Simon pants shopping with no chaperone on the show. Is lunch with him really so much scarier than pants shopping?

  7. Things I am grateful for about this episode :-

    01 – FINALLY, a return of Krazy Konversationalist Kelly
    02 – Sonja became vaguely sympathetic again
    03 – Beet Red Alex (you really just need to paint over one of the screen caps of her for such glorious moments)

    Things I am not grateful for in this photocap :-

    01 – NO BRAD WARNINGS. If you’re going to subject us pictures of Brad, a little heads up would be grand. It’s only 9:25am here and I almost lost a bit of my breakfast. He’s just the WORST.

    Also, does anyone else find it strange that Sonja finding a Blackberry in her toilet was endearing when, if it were anybody else in the real world, you’d want to slap them upside the head a little? And when is her Sexy Toasteroven Cookbook coming out? I mean, I don’t even really know what a toasteroven is, but it sounds amazing.

  8. I think the whole thing was scripted for this episode. Simon doesn’t mind, I think Jill
    has given them a discount on fabric for making her look like she’s being bullied!!! What
    a crock of horse doo doo. They say meaner things to each others faces, why in the
    world would Simon need to tweet anything? Just sayin’…….

  9. bizarre. can’t believe my takeaway is so different from other commenters.

    i thought it was disgusting that sonja said her toilet has not worked for 2 weeks, meaning she didn’t know where her blackberry was for 2 weeks and has been using the bathroom with her blackberry stuck in it for 2 weeks. she then stuck her BARE arm in to pull the toilet paper wrapped blackberry out and rinsed it as if she’s going to salvage it! AND she put the plumber on the spot and didn’t pay him after demanding someone from his company come out. it was satisfying (not sympathetic) to see her so crazy after some of her fake and social climbing behavior this season.

    simon and alex are so obviously stirring up drama to stay relevant in order to stay on the show. kelly, being the person with the most interesting brain to mouth neural pathways, is always spot on with her observations. She’s just not eloquent. in morocco she called alex out on her “northwestern stage performance” and in this episode both her and simon trying to staying relevant and simon being like “a pageant dad” and alex “his six year old daughter”. I had these thoughts even before she spoke up.

    @ryanage usually when ppl claim such detailed info about someone, the info is either hearsay or they are actually close enough with the ppl in question to get legit info but therefore cannot be subjective.

    1. Sorry, but I’m not at all certain what you’re trying to say here. Are you talking about MY information? If so, I didn’t think it was especially detailed. Most of it involves what I know to be factual based upon my awful habit of faithfully watching this show over a period of several years. I often read the housewive’s blogs at Bravo as well, although not with perfectt regularity, and I have been known to read other TV sites too. Someone has already posted a link to a realitytea article on this topic, and a quick google search will turn up many similar online articles, most of which can easily be checked for accuracy. So these are the things are I’m basing my opinions on.

      Personally, I don’t like to make vague or baseless accusations against people, even wacky people on silly reality tv shows. I’d rather observe these reality peeps myself, and, when I’m not certain which of them is being honest in a given situation, investigate things a bit. As a rule I’m not a big fan of hearsay. In this particular case, on top of what I’ve seen with my own eyes, I also find that there’s a lot of solid evidence out there demonstrating that Jill does indeed behave badly online. Very badly. There is much, much less evidence that Simon does so. He seems to engage in occasional snark, and most of that being the harmless variety, but I’ve seen no real calculation or malice from him at all. Therefore, it seems obvious to me that Jill’s accusations are pretty much baseless and/or hypocritical, and the fact that Jill’s pals on the show keep repeating those accusations won’t make them any less baseless, obviously. To me this is simple logic. Is this what you mean by “too close to be objective”?

      BTW I happen to agree with you about Alex and Simon trying to stay relevant. I just don’t see the difference between what they’re doing and what everyone else on the show is doing. Don’t you think they all do things to get more air time? And I do apologize if I’m misinterpreting what you were trying to say. As I noted, I’m really not altogether sure what you meant with your comment to me, so I may be responding inappropriately.

  10. Although I agree that Simon is just trying to get more air time, it’s really hypocritical of the other women to think that they’re better than him- for doing the EXACT same thing. The only reason they’re famous is the show. Who exactly did Jill and Luann think they were before the show, hmmm? They’re not better- even worse, the way they bully people around and act superior.

  11. I totally agree with AliceV – i have fealt for a long time that Alex was the most “sane” of all of the housewives… she and simon (although bizarre – edited as maybe) seem to me really happy with each other, their home and their lives. Why they need to be accepted by a bunch of morons is beyond me?

  12. Luanne is just boarderline ridiculous -whenever I think of Luanne, I totally think of the first or second season when she was giving an edicate class to some of her daughter’s friends at some kind of pre-arranged lunch. Some of the girls (who we have to assume are from sophisticated families) were actually humoring Luanne. It was brutal.

  13. Whoever took all these screenshots creeps the hell out of me. After watching this show just once, I noticed easily that this was not meant for civilized men to view. Al Bundy would cry in his sleep if he ever dreamed of watching this.

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