We’re already on to our second episode of Big Brother 13, and I continue to be rather happy with the season so far. Since this was a Sunday installment, it was rather low excitement. We only had nominations and a bizarre Have-or-Have-Not competition to keep things interesting, but that being said, I’m enjoying the way the twists have been affecting the game. We already have two major alliances, one secret sub-alliance, and shifting loyalties throughout the house. In one hour, this season has proven to be ten times more intriguing than anything we saw in 2010 (except for press day, which was all sorts of shifty).

The big news is that Keith, Dominic, Lawon, and Cassi joined forces to have each other’s back should any of them be nominated. They named themselves The Regulators, thus inducting another ridiculous alliance name into the Big Brother annals. It was a smart idea to create this tribe as all four of them could now theoretically wind up in the top ten. The only problem with it is that Shelly isn’t involved, and that makes me sad.

Meanwhile, Porsche had the idea of getting in with the veterans because she assumed they would simply run the house (even though it’s the newbies who have the numbers). It’s not a terrible idea to endear oneself with the enemy, but it is delusional to think you could ever be accepted by them. Nevertheless, Porsche suggested her idea to Keith, who nodded supportively and then immediately ratted her out to the newbies. He’s made her seem like she’s out for blood, but I’m thinking it’s the other way around. After all, a better teammate might have instead advised Porshe against her strategy and tried to keep both of them out of harm’s way — not that it mattered as they both wound up nominated anyway.

Nevertheless, the beauty of this season is that the duos aren’t necessarily teams. They must act together to stay out of harm’s way but always be campaigning against each other to save themselves. It’s rather brilliant. And while Keith complains that Porsche has sold the newbies out, it’s really Keith who has done the most selling out.

Fascinatingly enough, with Keith & Porsche (Korshe?) now on the block — Rachel nominated them because Keith is a physical threat, and she wants to save Porsche — we are now set up for a great battle royale. The newbies will want to get rid of Porsche; the vets Keith. It looks like the latter person will stay because the new kids have all the numbers, but then again, who knows what shenanigans the vets can pull to turn the newbies. Of course, that assumes the veterans are as good at strategizing as they think. These are the same people, after all, who think they’ve got Adam under their thumb when in fact he’s gunning for them big time. I can’t stand Adam’s heavy metal growl, but I love that he’s playing Evel Dick like a fiddle. If only we could have seen how that dynamic would have evolved over the season…

Elsewhere in the house, Jeff and Jordan continued to be cute and likable, thanks to some intense farting episodes. I sense that they’re not as invested in the veterans alliance, and I’m sure that if Evel Dick had stayed in the house (oh, spoiler) that Jeff would have grown weary of him à la Russell. Again, another shame we won’t get to see that inevitable showdown.

Lawon, meanwhile, continues to be truly awful. I sincerely think he patterns his life after The Queen of Jordan. I hate that he somehow wound up in the Regulators because he’s someone who does not need a free pass to week ten. I do take comfort that he’s stuck in the Have Not room, which is something of a padded cell this year. I think it’s an improvement over last year’s insect-infested hammock situation, but then again, the inability to ever turn the lights off could be annoying. Whatever — I’m sure it will bring out the inner bitch that Lawon and Kalia surely have been repressing…

On to the photocap…

“What do you mean there are no life vests? WHAT WILL THE FLOATERS DO??”

“Although… I guess if you’re floating, you wouldn’t need a life vest. Maybe a paddle or an oar would be more appropriate?”

“FLOATERS, GRAB AN OAR!!! Nah. Doesn’t work.”

“Although, I guess if I sink a floater, they’ll need a life vest. But that’ll just make them float more. So I’ve really not remedied the floating situation at all by alerting them to a need for a life vest. Hmmm…”

“Please let Gabrielle Carteris host a competition. Pleeeeease.”


“WEEEE-OOOOH!! Did you see me on Queen of Jordan?

“My goal is to shoot down each and every person wearing standard-fit jeans.”

“Gosh, Rachel’s really in a tizzy about our alliance. Settle down, Suzanne Sugarbaker.”

“Rachel, you don’t have to alter your body to be beautiful. I mean, I want four arms, but I’m not going to do that to myself. Although… with four arms, I could get twice as many hugs…”

“Brendon, I’m not giving you a double hug again.”



“But I thought you said we should get ready for double trouble?”


“Fine. I’ll just pretend my hand is hugging my head, which it sort of is. Aw, that’s nice.”

“Okay, I’ll be in your alliance, but just don’t name it something stupid.”
Dom: “Nah, don’t worry. I’m going to name it something cool like REGULATORS.”
“See above caveat.”

“Porsche, vote with us, and we’ll make sure you’re safe. It’ll be like you’re wrapped in a pair of invincible Mom Jeans.”

“Mom Jeans, you say?”

“They’re only the hottest look around.”

“Will there be a wallet chain attached to no wallet?”

“You know it.”


“Floating cows, grab your bovine life vests!”

“Ain’t no one coming between me and MY grazing!”

“Hahahaha! It’s like being back at my VIP Cocktail waitress job!”

“I mean… it’s like being back at my receptionist job. I’m not a PROFOUNDLY LUXURIOUS VIP WAITRESS, hahahaha!!!”

Kalia: “Oh my gosh, this is SO Carrie and Samantha fighting over Manolos!”

“I couldn’t help but wonder: in a world full of space cows and aggressive milkmen, are we all in need of a violent hair wringing?”

“Yeah, bro! I’ll be Brenda, you be Luke!”

“This room is crazy. I couldn’t help but wonder: when we can’t turn the lights out on love, can love still show us the light?”

“Adam, since I know you just LOVE us, I’d like to give you a pair of my Mom Jeans, but unfortunately, they’re my only pair of pants; so I can’t.”

What did you think about the episode?

8 replies on “BIG BROTHER PHOTOCAP: Don’t Have A Cow, Man”

  1. I loves this episode, especially Rachel and Brendon’s talk about plastic surgery

    R: I like the botox look
    B: Yah well I like how I’d look if I had 4 arms, does that mean you’d let me get surgery to attach them?
    R: Yah, more arms to pleasure me with

    I bout died at that part.

    Other things I loved were Shelly’s story about her husband, Keith humping the milk out of everybody, Jordan STILL being the far more likable member of her duo, and the name Regulators.

  2. I can’t wait for the next humping challenge on BB. We’ve had bananas and cows – maybe next they will have one partner riding a bagel while the other partner pushed a hot dog thru it.

    Kalia’s bad nose job makes it hard not to “oink” every time I see her.


  3. I was SO disturbed by Keith’s cow grinding. I seriously had to look away, plus the look on his face. Wow

  4. Someone somewhere had to have made a gif out of Keith humping Dominic to get the milk out of his costume, no? Was I the only one who appreciated that too much? Maybe? Probably? Bueller?

  5. I never liked ED but he has shown brilliant gamesmanship this season, while not offending one and all. Its almost uncanny how he brought the newbies in who are NON-REGULATORS. I will miss him.

    Also, I like that Rachel/Brendon are showing a little more strategy. And i hated Dani the first go-round, but she is seeming very likeable this season. Team veterans all the way!

  6. I can’t believe you didn’t take the opportunity to talk about Keith and his grinding during the milk challenge. SO disturbing! Brendon’s face after Rachel mentioned he could use his four arms to pleasure her was so telling. He looked defeated.

    I’m LOVING Jordan. She is so likable. I’m really glad they brought her and Jeff back.

    Your photocaps are always hilarious. Keep it up!

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