It may be the height of summer here in the Northern Hemisphere, but it’s the Holiday Season on Real Housewives of New Jersey. With Christmas just around the corner, this latest episode focused on all the angst and anxiety that can sometimes derails people’s yuletide spirit. Lauren Manzo received quite a bit of screen time as she complained about being left out from Chris and Albie’s Hoboken life. Here’s an idea Lauren: MOVE OUT OF YOUR MOM’S HOME AND MAKE FRIENDS. Thank goodness Momma has a brain because as Lauren headed down a path of self-pity, Caroline shut her down, saying that she was being unreasonable. “That’s life,” Caroline stated with the sort of common sense authority that one never finds on reality TV (ie. Jacqueline and her bratty daughter Ashley).
Meanwhile, this holiday-themed episode delivered us the greatest gift of all: a Kim G. appearance! The twitchy, zazzy NOT-old-lady welcomed Jacqueline into her home and divulged that she had once suffered from brain cancer. Bravo, being the sensitive network that it is, scored Kim’s tearful confession with the silly music it reserves for Jill Zarin selecting an hors d’oeuvre or Kim Zolciak trying to spell “CAT.” It was a weird moment, and it was only made weirder when we saw the yellow eyesore of a couch Kim G has installed in her living room. The thing looked like a parakeet gone wrong. Way wrong.
Nevertheless, Kim was eager to talk smack about Teresa, and somehow this segued into a discussion of one Monica Chacon, who seems likely to be this franchise’s MORALLY CORRUPT FAYE RESNICK. Monica, you see, is the wife of the lawyer of Joe Giudice’s ex-partner, and in a flashback to the POSCHE fashion show, we saw her telling Kathy and Melissa proudly that she was suing Joe. This was met with a hilarious “Ohhhhhh…” of awkwardness by the Gorga ladies.
Later in the episode, the Monica intrigue reached new levels when reports surfaced that Teresa had screamed at her in court. Of course, Teresa explained that she had merely told Monica to stop hanging around her friends and then walked away. Such a lady that one. Too bad Joe narc’d on her to the guys when he told them how she basically went off like a lunatic. It was both hilarious to hear both accounts and frustrating: I absolutely detest Teresa’s sociopathic way of thinking everything she does is polite and civilized. The woman needs to get a grip. Needless to say, I’m most excited to see what happens when Monica appears at Melissa’s holiday party next week.
In the end, everyone except for Kathy convened at Jacqueline’s place for a holiday cocktail party, and despite what the previews suggested, there was no drama. There were a few passive-aggressive swipes between Melissa and Teresa, but Caroline managed to referee successfully and keep things fun. And then Joe Gorga put on one of Jacqueline’s dresses, and everyone was happy (except possibly Jacqueline who probably didn’t appreciate that she and Joe Gorga are the same dress size).
Oh, and there was some Kathy stuff, but it was pretty forgettable. Here’s the photocap:
“I wish I knew about things.”
“I hope Santa brings me wooden letters that spell Bon Appetit!“
“I’m on DISPLAY on DISPLAY! Every DAY every DAY! When I mold CLAY mold CLAY! On a lunchroom TRAY on a TRAY!!!”
“Hey Joe. JOE! Why you gotta faucet comin’ out of your head?”
“I love the living room picnic, Joe!”
“Yeah, well, Tre, now might be a good time to tell yous that I auctioned off alls our dining room furnitures.”
“Um, is a magic wand going to choose me or what?”
“Aw, Lauren, it’s not that your brothers don’t love you. It’s just that they are much, much cooler than you now.”
Kim G: “Yeah, look. I’m missing part of my skull. See this? No skull. All empty. I’m like a frickin’ monster.”
Jacqueline: “This explains so much…”
“OHHH!!! You had part of your brain removed! So THAT’S why you have these hideously yellow couches!!!”
“We just saw Platoon on Ice! Magical!”
“Joe, did you forget to wear your cock ring? Every time I grabbed your thing in court, it didn’t vibrate.”
“Hey sis, if I don’t get to dress up like a woman tonight, it will break MY HEART INTO A THOUSAND LITTLE PIECES!!!”
“Let me tell you something: I walked up to Monica Chacon and told her to be quiet. And then I walked away.”
Joe: “I think yous left out the part where you screamed in her face and told her you’re from Paterson.”
“Like I said, I was VERY nice!”
“Does this dress make my hair plugs look fat?”
“Does everyone like this outfit? I got it from Where The Wild Things ‘R’ Us.”
What did you think about the episode?