Sunday’s supersized episode of The Real Housewives of New Jersey gave us what we’ve always wanted: an hour of frolicking in the Catskills. Yes, upstate New York finally got the close-up it deserved, and it was oh so… rustic? Perhaps woodsy? Certainly not glamourous. For those of you unfamiliar with the Catskills, the mountain region was once the hottest destination to spot both Jackie Mason and raccoons. It’s the home of the Borscht Belt (see: Jackie Mason), and while the raccoons may still be around, the cachet may have taken a hit or two.
When it comes to the New Jersey crowd though, I’m not sure fancy is a requirement for vacations. All that matters is that everyone has a bed, there’s a giant pot of pasta bubbling away, and enough guns, quads, and wine around to make the weekend a tragedy waiting to happen. Thankfully, no one was harmed (physically) in the making of this episode.
The action actually all started back in NJ as Teresa and Melissa continued their confrontation from last week. The girls rehashed issues from the past while simultaneously attempting to ignore the past altogether. In all honesty, they both were overdue for a major gripe session, and it’s sort of a shame that they swept everything under a rug and simply declared that moving forward they’d be better. This was actually Teresa’s biggest fault in the discussion: she seemed more interested in moving forward rather than letting Melissa get everything out in the open. On the plus side, I must give Teresa rare props for actually being rather mature and rational during the entire conversation. I don’t think the uneasy peace the two women have brokered will last, and I don’t think they were wise in just pretending like the past was going to stay in the past (Teresa brought up the past about ten different times afterwards), but I guess progress is progress?
After the talk, Teresa, Caroline, and Jacqueline (as well as their respective broods, mostly), headed up to the Catskills to enjoy a weekend at Joe Giudice’s family cabin. From the description, I thought it would be a small, cozy affair, but the cabin was more or a lodge, or at the very least a mid-sized home. Not very cabin-y.
What followed was an entertaining but hardly blog-worthy series of events such as clay pigeon shooting, quad riding, and boozing. In the midst of it, there was discussion of Joe’s cock ring, which Teresa happily dangled for hte cameras (poor Gia will never live it down), but aside from that, I don’t remember too much else. Just a lot of general ridiculousness.
All snobbery aside though, it looked like a fun weekend, and while I can’t condone drunken quad racing in the middle of the night (RIP Leroi from DMB), I can get behind a weekend getaway with friends. Hmm… I’m being cheesy and soft. Where’d my snarkiness go. Rather than trying to remember other funny moments, let’s just get to the photocap…
“Melissa what’s these ingredientses yous always talking about. Cummin? Cory mander?What, you gonna make me sprinkles cookies next?”
“Ugh. If I have to hear one more time about Joe’s cock ring…”
“Wha? Suddenly you don’t care about Joe’s cock ring? Don’t you want to be friends?”
“Do I need to hear about Joe’s cock ring though?”
“Whatever. The past is in the past. Although, you were the one who always used to say that my brother had the biggest cock ring ever.”
“Okay, first of all, I never said that. Second of all, I thought the past is in the past.”
“It is. I’m good at moving on. Just like that time when we first met and you said–“
“PAST IS IN THE PAST!”
“Okay…. just let me tell you about the cock ring…”
“And then Chris just FISTED me all night long!”
“I thought we were one-upping each other?”
“Hey everyone, I heard that Ramona Singer was coming to the cabin. Oh wait, she doesn’t drink red. Hmmm.”
“Chris, why are you packing guns?”
“I plan on shooting Teresa in the face.”
“Chris, do you think Ash will be okay without us?”
“Yeah… she is kind of an idiot.”
“I just realized something. On Thanksgiving, Kathy made a cannoli out of CANNOLIS. That’s crazy!”
“My next project: a panettone tower made of panettone. And on top will be a helipad for a miniature helicopter made of… PANETTONE!”
“Hahahhaa I’m reckless!”
Teresa: “Hey Joe. JOE. Did you tell your dad how I’m such a good blower? JOE!!!”
“If Teresa whips out Joe cock ring one more time, I’m going to throw this glass at her face.”
“Hey Joe. JOE!! It’s like your cock ring!!! You know the one you put on before I BLOW you??? HEY JOE!!! TELL YOUR DAD ABOUT YOUR COCK RING!!!!”
“I love making pizza dough. And I love shaping it into one giant ring that Joe can put on his cock. HEY JOE! TELL EVERYONE ABOUT THE PIZZA COCK RING I MAKE YOU!!! I EAT IT WHEN I’M BLOWING YOU. JOE!!!!”
“Hello, I’m here for the Diane Keaton convention.”
Teresa: “Wow, that was so hot it took twenty years off me. Literally. Do you see my face? JOE. JOE! Look at my face. I’M SIXTY YEARS OLD NOW.”
Caroline: “I love how quaint everything is up here.”
Teresa: “Yeah. Me too. Hey look, a general store. Think they sell any cock rings in here? HELLO? [knock knock knock] DO YOUS SELL COCK RINGS?”
“Does Teresa even know what the concept of ‘self-awareness’ is?”
“Hey look. Yous ever wanted to see a Häagen-Dazs container do a split? Because it’s happening right now.”
“Hey Tre, you’re acting like you’re in Chanels again. Get it together.”
“Hey Joe! I did it!! I shot a bear!!! Look Joe!!!!!”
“That’s not a bear. That’s Ashley.”
Jacqueline: “Ugh. All these gunshots!”
“Gunshots? How about Teresa’s voice?”
What did you think about the episode?