There was a definitely lack of drama on this week’s Real Housewives of New Jersey episode, but I still found the show immensely watchable, thanks to the tension brimming in the Gorga family. Unlike previous installments of this season, this week was less “crazy/funny” and more “sad/depressing.” It was all about family, and we got to see firsthand the toll that’s been taken on Gia (as well as her cousins, who are kept apart thanks to the Gorga rift).

The crux of the show was that Gia had a gymnastics event that Joe said he’d attend, but oops, he showed up at the end and missed it all. Oh wait, he did get to see Gia take LAST PLACE on her team. Not a stellar outing for Lil G. If you ask Teresa, it’s all Joe’s fault. Gia was so excited to see her uncle that she couldn’t focus when he wasn’t there. Perhaps some of that is true, but I think the real culprit was Teresa, who got so in her daughter’s ear about Joe that the poor girl could feel nothing short of disappointment over the whole situation. Don’t get me wrong: it was pretty obnoxious for Joe and Melissa to arrive late, but it was even more obnoxious for Teresa to pit her daughter against her brother. However, I’m getting the sense that that’s the way the Gorga kids were raised: to passive-aggressively compete at all times.

Nevertheless, the whole thing was just sad, and a complete juxtaposition to the other happy family moments on the show: Kathy making her sweet kids sign familial contracts, Caroline clucking proudly about her kids again, and Jacqueline buying her spoiled daughter another car. On that latter point, it was ridiculous enough that she and Chris caved to Ashley’s dumb demands, but it was even more ridiculous that they bought her a rather expensive Jeep and then expected her to pay for it herself. Clearly she won’t be able to, which will lead to Chris repossessing it, which will lead to more complaints from Ashley, more whining, and ultimately no life lessons. How about next time get the girl a used Corolla? Or better yet — a month pass on New Jersey transit (cheapest option of all!).

After the jump, the photocap…

Joe: “Your voice drives me crazy. It is so sexy. It makes me want to pull out all my hair plugs and sew them back in.”
“Oh stawwwp!”

“Now that I have an empty nest, I spend my time trying to capture caddies and locking them in Albie’s room. MAMA WILL HAVE HER FAMILY.”

“Kids, would you like to explain to me why you’re not wearing your Na’vi blue turtlenecks? Because it sure as hell makes no sense TO ME.”

“Honey, you’re going to be a star. And if it doesn’t work out, it’s probably your Uncle Joe’s fault. Isn’t that right?”

Jacqueline: “Hey honey, what are you doing?”
“Oh, just texting Lizzy. She’s SO excited to run people over with the new Jeep!”

“Your dad and I want you to be responsible, Ash. And now that you have a car, you can commute to the city.”
“Ugh, but there’s traffic. I want a helicopter now.”
“It’s not fair! How am I supposed to intern without a helicopter???”
“You’ll find a way. Get a second job.”
“I guess I could always go back to modeling. I hear there’s a casting call at Antony’s Meatball Emporium…”

“I like this sawng! Now let’s rehearse it real quick. I gotta Viking Slut convention to get to. Where the HELL are my horns?”

“Hey Joe. JOE! Do me under the pommel horse. JOE!”

“I wonder what my next face will be!”

“I came to this radio station to issue a missing persons alert. Specifically, I’m looking for my sons because last time I checked, THEIR ROOMS WERE EMPTY! [sob sob]”

Teresa: “Joe, why are you so angry?”
“I’m angry because you dipped my shirt in dijon mustard.”

Melissa: “Sorry we’re so late. It took me extra long to fit this cap over my RAGE!”

“Hey Joe, you’re like two hours late.”
“I’m sorry, sis.”
“That’s okay. Just remember that when Gia develops a debilitating drug habit, it started at this moment. Because of you.”

“Joe, how much longer do you want me to balance these stones on my forehead. I CAN’T TAKE IT ANY MORE!”

“Would you look at this? Twenty-two pages of stationery, and it’s only the first sentence.”

What did you think about the episode? Thoughts on Melissa’s heartbroken pleas towards her brother? And her singing career?

22 replies on “REAL HOUSEWIVES OF NJ PHOTOCAP: Melissa Sings, Gia Tumbles”

  1. That couple is always wearing knit hats. It is a bit odd.

    I really like Kathy and her family. They remind me of Caroline in terms of the way the siblings joke around with each other and all of that good stuff.

    Theresa does send out little digs. I don’t think it is always done intentionally, but they are there.

    Melissa is just such a complete whiner.

  2. So, Melissa spun the Real Housewives Wheel of Delusions of Grandeur, and landed on singing (as opposed to “fashion designer” or “actress” or “productive human being”). Brava, dummy. That whole thing was so annoyng. I get that reality TV has “storylines” but the Gorga pitch for Melissa the diva songstress was so overtly staged. “What ’tis that? Doth my ears betray me, children? Surely only an angel would be capable of producing such melodious tunes! Hark! ‘Tis not an angel, ’tis your raven haired orange skin marginally talented mother!” Idiots.

    I also have an uneasy feeling that the ever-trained Gia was maybe, just a little, gunning for camera time with the gymnastics drama. I hate coming down on a kid like that, but she is her mother’s daughter…

    Finally, Ashley…why does she need a car for an internship? Isn’t parking in NYC a pain anyway? Watch, next she’ll complain about that and demand a chauffeur instead…for her unpaid internship…

    1. Yeah and stupid Ashley will probably park illegally and get towed. Then we’ll hear the soap opera of, “My Jeep’s gone. Wah wah wah.” Dumbass!

      I used to feel kind of sorry for Jackie and Chris now I’m just tired of their stupidity.

  3. Cheesiest moment in the whole episode was Caroline complimenting the guy’s eyes at the job interview. It was such a sales person schticky thing to do. Not wild about Caroline and her cliches that pass for wisdom this season. She seems to love to hear herself talk though.

  4. One more thing: Aren’t the Gargoyles just a slightly younger, more attractive (barely) version of the Giudice idiots?

  5. I had completely forgot (more like blacked out) the whole singing subplot until this recap…Melissa’s singing reminded me of what Simon C. would refer to as cruise ship karaoke.

    I felt sorry for Gia. Joe Guidice’s running commentary (Tre….is it over? Tre how much longer? Etc) cracked me up though.

    I was shocked Chris caved so easily on the car thing. I thought it was Jacquelyn who usually let Ashley get her way. Can’t believe he didn’t consult her! Or Ashley’s sense of entitlement about the whole thing…having the audacity to say Chris isn’t allowed to drive it. I pray she doesn’t join forces with her ugly knit cap counterparts and try to take over Franklin Lakes.

  6. Someone please tell me they heard Melissa sing “Amazing grace, how sweet the sound, that saved a WENCH like me”…laughed until I cried, replayed it, laughed until I cried again…awesome television right there.

    1. Thank you for commenting on that!

      I thought that went completely unnoticed! Wench… lol.

    2. omigosh, omigosh…. the funniest thing ever!!! I laughed so hard it hurt. What an idiot.

    3. I think Chris wants to get Ashley outta the house – whatever it takes. New car is the first step, if that doesn’t inspire her to become more independent and leave on her own (it won’t), he’ll probably be getting her an apartment next.

    4. YES!!!!!!!! I am glad someone else noticed it, I had to rewind it twice to make sure I heard it right!!!!!!!!

    5. Oof! What about her song?! The worst! “I can feel the weight of the world pushing down. I am feeling all of these new…FEELINGS! ‘Cause I’m on display, on display, on display, each and everyday, everyday, everyday.” Ashfhrhe2644,!2?1$;),’~~>{%%|!!!

  7. How did you omit the fact that Melissa’s version of “Amazing Grace” included the line “…who saved a WENCH like me”?

  8. If Gia was the victim of Tre’s passive aggressiveness wouldn’t she be cold towards Tio Joe? I think Gia really loves her godfather a lot. The pain these children are showing seem very real and hurts me too.
    Melissa is used to being the center of attention in her family. She can’t understand why her husband’s family doesn’t treat her the same way her own family does. She needs to grow up, shut up and suck it up when she is with her in-laws. No matter what her husband says or does his family will never ooo and awww over Melissa.

  9. Gia’s disappointment along with the cousins obviously missing each other was painful to watch and takes me out of the TV show and forces me to accept these people as actual humans…which kinda sucks! Regardless, I hope that in watching the show back, they see whatever problems they have aren’t worth even a minute of pain for their children.

    Agree with jl that Melissa needs to grow up, she claims she wants Joe to be close with his family, so don’t then complain constantly about their treatment of you, knowing he’ll feel obligated to defend you and therefore passive-aggressively ensuring they won’t be close.

    1. Ms Hannigan,
      Melissa strikes me as a very immature brat that seems to enjoy having “Power” over Joey and his family relationships. She totally controls that deal and does not want peace because she would get less attention. I can’t find one trait that is attractive or likeable about Melissa gargoyle. It seems perfectly reasonable that T’s family would dislike a self-absorbed, gold-digging “wretch” for Little Joey.

  10. Still laughing about the “Wench” malapropism. The stupidity of these people (pretty much all of them except the Wakiles) never ceases to amaze me. They make Danielle look like a longtime member of MENSA (except for her stubborn refusal to use the plural for woman). I mean…seriously.
    Here’s what I think of Melissa’s singing: I will not clap!
    As for Caroline’s potential on radio, I’ll give it a maybe. One never knows. We may find surprising substance underneath all that muck and cheap bully-ish mentality. There may be some common sense to which we are not yet privy.
    Chris Lauritia completely lost ALL of my respect after buying that Jeep for Amoeba brain. Maybe he better start wearing his St. Christopher’s rosary around his neck again. It’s like he’s completely lost his mind. Do you think he had a lobotomy during his down time? He’s just become another nothing person to suffer through.
    I thank you b-side for watching for me/us. I may stop shortly. These shows (especially the O.C.) have become insufferable to sit through..even on the DVR. I have the clicker fast forwarding so much..and it’s not just through the commercials, but through entire segments of each show…except NYC. They’re the show that never stops giving. Like BH.

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