I was traveling last week; so I haven’t recapped the previous two episodes of Jersey Shore, but fear not — I’m taking care of both right here. After all, it’s not like we need two individual entries to describe what was basically the same activity over and over again. I of course am referring to the insufferable on-again off-again romance between Sammi and Ronnie, which has reached new levels of irritating fun. And I only say fun because if I admit that it’s anything less than that, I might just hurl myself off a building.
So let’s recap what happened a week and a half ago: um… damn if I can remember. Well, we had lovely, silly Deena whose continued romance with Ronnie’s doppelgÃ¤nger Dean hit a major speed bump: namely that the guy told everyone that she likes it up the ass. Deena of course denied the accusation, and given her general candid approach to all her confessionals, I’m inclined to believe her. Then again, I’m also inclined to believe she got so wasted she didn’t remember asking for anal exploration. Oh wait, maybe she didn’t like it up the ass. She just wanted to LICK Dean’s ass. The details, much like the truth, is murky. All I can say with authority is that there was a lot of bleeping, a lot of ass talk, and some angry “Oh no he di’int” head swiveling.
The ass themes continued into this episode as Ronnie came down with mysterious anal bleeding at the top of the show. It was a strange turn of events, and as a doctor prodded around in his nether regions, I half expected him to pull out some long lost Leaning Tower of Pisa replica. Sadly, no such thing emerged. Instead, the doc told Ronnie to cut back on drinking, which may be a tall order. We saw how well that worked out for Snooki (who seems to have taken up recreational tricycle riding in drugstores).
When Ronnie was stumbling around wasted, puking in trash bags, or experiencing strange things in his buttocks, he was fighting with Sam again. This was yet another holdover from the previous episode, which saw the two get into yet another epic fight. That brawl was spurred on by J-WOWW, who suddenly squashed her beef with Ron for no apparent reason. Suspiciously, she told him that she wrote the note to drive Sammi out of the house, which was a bit underhanded (but totally worth it). Well, when Sammi found out that Ronnie was cool with Jenni again, all hell broke loose. She wound up punching him in the face and then storming up to her room, threatening to leave the show until all the roomies inexplicably ran to her side and demanded she stay. Why? I don’t know. The girl’s a bitch, and no one truly likes her.
Nevertheless, after having called her ma and asking her to come fetch her in the middle of the night, Sammi aborted her escape plan and decided to stay in Seaside. And thank God because this afforded her a fake truce with Jenni, who told her amusingly that she only wanted the best for her (LIES). Even more importantly, with Sammi hanging around, we got to see yet ANOTHER “family dinner” ruined by her. I wonder how many times this girl has ruined group meals. She seems incapable of sitting at that square table without a puss on her face. And let’s just get this out of the way: she doesn’t wear disdain well. But hey, if facial lines are your thing, then I guess it’s pretty hot.
Things went from bad to worse as Sammi and Ronnie then had one of their most idiotic fights in recent memory. Let me set the stage: Ronnie was lying on his bed. Sammi was lying on her bed. She invited him to join her in her bed (pretense: the room was cold), and he rudely rejected the offer. This caused Sammi to go berserk, which caused Ronnie to go berserk, and soon they were challenging each other to understand things. As in, “What part of this do you NOT understand??” That seemed to be the question of the night.
Eventually, the two migrated outside to take their crazy into the open. This resulted in many utterings of their favorite line: “Look at me. Look at me.” As much of an asshole buffoon as Ronnie is, it was hard not to feel bad for the guy for getting stuck with the over-tanned hyena that is Sammi. The girl is just pathetic and sad, probably the victim of some miserable daddy issues that have plagued her all her life. Then again, what reality starlet ISN’T the victim of daddy issues?
Well, by the time the episode was over, it looked like these two idiots might be broken up for REAL this time, but as we all know, it’ll only take about twenty minutes before they’re clasping hands and making declarations of love that make no sense, ie. something along the lines of “Even when I’m so mad at you and say I hate you, I love you.”
Elsewhere in the house, everyone was having FUN. Imagine that? Pauly reunited with his Israeli stalker and inexplicably made peace with her. He then brought her back to the house where everyone made fun of her until she left. Why he’d tempt fate again is beyond me. And why she’d submit herself to further ridicule is beyond me too. Scratch that: she’s a stalker. She’s just happy to be there. Shalom.
As for Snooki, she passed out in a dog pen (seems appropriate) while Deena got nailed by one of Ronnie’s friends. Just another day at the Jersey Shore…
Snooki: “You guys!!! I’m gonna have a threeway!!!”
With little notice, Vinny suddenly raises the horn and signals the arrival of a new STD in the house.
“Hahaha, I just totally threw Sam’s crap all around the room. Oh wait. This is my bed. And I just tossed her crap all over my crap. Crap.”
J-WOWW: “Shit. I hope no one sees me talking to Ron, especially in my Black Swan appreciation outfit.”
Sammi: “Are you friends with HAH?”
“ARE. YOU. FRIENDS. WITH. HAH?”
“Yeah, hah! Are you friends with hah? TELL ME RIGHT NOW IF YOU’RE FRIENDS WITH HAH.”
“What is hah?”
“You mean ‘her’?”
“Wait, was that a laugh or a pronoun?”
Sammi: “I can’t stay here, you guys. You’re all too level-headed, and let’s face it: I’m an awful bitch.”
“Yeah, pretty much… good point… when you say it like that…”
“I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU’D AGREE WITH ME. YOU’RE ALL ASSHOLES.”
“Listen, let’s just get some Chinese food and settle down.”
“Chinese food?? You know Ron’s ex is Asian, right? I gotta get out of here.”
“Just hear us out.”
“You know that Ron’s ex had ears, right? I’M LEAVING!”
“YOU KNOW THAT RON’S EX LIKED TREES WITH LEAVES, RIGHT? UGGGH!!!!”
“What’s wrong, Ron? Sad about Sam?”
“Nah. Just bleedin’ out the ass again.”
“EW! Okay, NO. You are spreading rumors that I like it in the ass, and that is SO not true. I only like it in the EAR.”
“Great! Then truce it is!”
“Ron, you’re disgusting. You’re making my muffin top shrivel.”
“Nnnnnnnnggggh!!! Why won’t these dogs put it in me??”
“Okay, Ronnie. We think we know why your rectum is bleeding. Turns out you drink too much.”
“That causes bleeding?”
“No. But maybe it explains all the sodomy you’ve been getting.”
“What do you mean I can’t take this onto the Jersey Turnpike? Fuck my life.”
“Hey JERKOFF in aisle three. This lane is for partial zero emissions vehicles ONLY.”
“And see that trash can over there?”
“That’s where I found you passed out last night. Knew it was love at first sight.”
J-WOWW: “What do you think? Sexy enough?”
“Yeah. Where you going? Karma?”
“Nah. The White House Correspondence Dinner.”
“Hey Ron. Ron.”
“Look at me.”
“You want to sit on this couch with me?”
“Because I like this chair.”
“You don’t want to sit with me on a couch?”
“If I wanted to, I’d be sitting there with you.”
“I can’t do this.”
“I don’t want to argue over the couch. What part of you doesn’t understand that?”
“Why can you look at me in the eyes and tell me you don’t want to argue over the couch? What part of THAT don’t YOU understand?”
“I’m done, Sam.”
“With what? Sitting on the chair? Okay, you can come sit over here.”
“No, I’m done with you.”
“You? As in me, or the letter ‘u’? Were you doing a crossword??”
“You can’t talk down to me, okay? You’re the fakest girl in here.”
“YOU LISTEN TO ME AND YOU LISTEN GOOD, you have NO idea what I’ve been through.”
“You don’t even KNOW.”
“I want to break up.”
“No. I want to break up.”
“So that’s it? You’re gonna let me break up with you?”
“You want to sit on the couch with me?”
What did you think about the past two episodes? Further thoughts on Sammi and Ronnie?