We’ve seen a lot of fights on the Real Housewives franchise. There have been flowing tears, screaming voices, and at times extremely intense emotion. But nothing in the entire history of the show compared to the fight that erupted at the end of last night’s season finale of The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills. This wasn’t just a ridiculous, campy fight (Ã la Kim vs. Nene earlier this week). This was a ridiculous, emotionally charged fight, stemming from issues that have brewed for seemingly years on end. The revelations and accusations that surfaced bordered on an Edward Albee level of drama, thus making the finale both utterly gripping, and — let’s face it — kind of sad and depressing. And not just because of the Kim and Kyle situation. We had downer updates from Camille, Lisa (yes, Lisa), Taylor, and of course the Richards sisters. The only one who seemed to emerge unscathed was Adrienne, whose biggest post-show news was that she and Paul still bicker. Good for them.
The episode began with Taylor waltzing into Villa Blanca where Lisa was perched solemnly at a table like the unholy love child of Kelly LeBrock and Don Corleone. Lady VanderPump was ready to put Taylor in her place, and sure enough, while Tay-Tay laughed with that gaping pie-hole of hers (while looking quite radiant — gotta give credit where credit is due), Lisa stared straight-faced and ordered the blonde to butt out of other people’s business. Of course, this demand was in and of itself an example of Lisa butting IN, but that’s neither here nor there. Lisa can do no wrong, and any hypocrisy on her part will be merely perceived as paradoxical behavior instead.
Anyway, Lisa not-so-secretly held Taylor responsible for the New York fiasco and told Taylor to squash whatever beef she had with Kim so that the whole thing could be put to bed. Maybe it’s me, but I already thought the whole thing had been put to bed, but again, I’ll just recite my mantra: Lisa can do no wrong, Lisa can do no wrong, Lisa can do no wrong.
The big excitement in Taylor’s life was that Russell the Love Muscle was throwing her a big ol’ birthday bash, which would certainly feature music he wouldn’t dance to and music she wouldn’t eat. Sounds like a fun time! In anticipation of the big event, the goils all primped themselves. Kyle consulted a psychic (what is wrong with these ladies? Why does everyone have a medium or a psychic or a shaman?) while sister Kim learned how to do makeup for the first time ever. According to her, she never learned how to do makeup because she was too busy bringing home the bacon as a child star. It was because of Kim that her sisters had a roof over their head. It was because of Kim that Kyle got to make friends. It was because of Kim that the earth kept spinning and the sun kept shining. And because of these immense obligations, Kim never made friends, never learned how to do makeup, and never had the happy life that she always wanted. And guess what? At the end of the day, it’s all KYLE’S FAULT. And no, that chugging noise isn’t Kim downing some Pinot. It’s just the sound of a the train heading to a massive, massive wreck.
Over with Lisa, she spent her afternoon trying on dresses while permanent houseguest / professional moocher Cedric gazed on. Once again Lisa and later Ken prodded him about moving out, but Cedric fell back on his favorite crutch: whining about how he’d never had a family. He even went so far as to say Italian families let their kids hang out into their fifties. This prompted Lisa to retort, quite amazingly, that “We’re not Italians. What part of that didn’t you notice?” Or something like that. How these two put up with this dude is baffling.
Elsewhere in California, Camille continued to mourn the death of her marriage. She was having a justifiably bad day — so bad that she couldn’t even keep a hanger on a hook without it falling down. She opened up to her friend Dee Dee about Kelsey and his mistress, and even though Camille is a horror, I did truly feel bad for her again. That being said, I did snicker a touch when she relayed a story about Kelsey’s NYC doorman not believing that she was Mrs. Grammer. “How humiliating!” Camille said dramatically. She’s right — it is actually humiliating and awful, but given that she said the same thing in a 2002 Entertainment Tonight piece about having her luggage searched at the airport (yes, I remember the piece specifically because it was so ridiculous), it’s hard for me to take her seriously. It was also hard for me to take Camille seriously when she attempted to further victimize herself by stating how difficult it was to be married to a celebrity since the typically private matter of divorce was now exceedingly public. You know what also makes it public? TALKING ABOUT IT UNFILTERED ON A REALITY SHOW.
Nevertheless, Camille opted to skip Taylor’s party, but just because she stayed holed up in Malibu didn’t mean there was a lack of drama. Enter the sisters Richards.
The party started off on a pleasant, boring note. Adrienne and Paul bickered over buffet offerings, Russell made a stilted and cold toast, and the women intermingled with various characters of the past season, including the morally corrupt Faye Resnick. Yes, it was all fun and games until Taylor — always a rocket scientist — decided THAT MOMENT would be the ideal time to confront Kim about the whole New York thing. This wasn’t so much a clearing of the air as it was Taylor cornering the fragile woman. Let’s face it: Kim already looks like a frightened parakeet. The last thing she needs is to come face to face with a woman whose rictus bares more than a passing resemblance to the Cheshire Cat.
Anyway, Taylor laid into Kim for allegedly instigating trouble in New York. This harkened back to the most idiotic controversy of all time: did Taylor say “insecure” or did Kim? The tale of the tape says it was Kim. But Kim remembered it as Taylor blah blah blah. Why these women didn’t just say “You know, who knows who said what. Let’s just forget about it,” is beyond me. Actually, it’s not. Because Lisa (and perhaps the producers) had put it in Taylor’s head that this must be rectified, she went in guns blazing. Taylor started yapping away that Kim was trying to rile her up at the airport, which seemed like an overstatement. Based on the footage, it looked like the women were just discussing Camille and what might be going through her mind. Well, Kim bristled at the accusation that she was stirring shit up and instead said that Taylor was stirring shit up. More bickering and accusations followed and soon the other housewives circled in like sharks smelling blood.
The lead shark was Kyle, who aggressively inserted herself into the drama. Rather than pull her sister away and talk her down, she instead got into it with her, which was probably due to preexisting anger at Kim being a bit drunk. I don’t remember the specific order of events, but Kim began acting like a caged animal. She accused her sister of not being loyal, which of course brought up all that stuff about Kim not defending Kyle in New York. Do you see where this is going? SHIT SHOW would be a good descriptor.
Soon Kim was making blanket comments about not enjoying the women’s company (a statement that elicited an utterly scary “Excuse me?” out of Lisa). The woman was a total mess, and Adrienne happily interceded and tried to restore order. Instead, Kim left the party and retired to a limo where she found a sounding board in… Martin! Yes, her would-be British suitor volunteered to talk Kim down, which was about as selfless an act as there ever could be. Soon Adrienne joined the stretch limo of sadness, and for what it’s worth, it seemed like Kim was actually calming down, relaxing. That is, until Kyle hopped on board the Crazy Time Express and exasperated the situation.
Now, here’s the thing. I really like Kyle, and she has a right to be angry at her sister for a variety of reasons (not the least of which was Kim’s silence during the New York imbroglio), but when it comes to healthy communication, she’s a disaster. She attacks in a strong, angry, and defensive manner that only serves to fuel screaming matches. Plus, let’s be honest, in the stupid fight between Taylor and Kim (wherein Taylor was actually in the wrong etiquette-wise), Kyle totally didn’t have her sister’s back. Point is that she’s not infallible, and her hostile words upon entering the limo were proof of that: “What is going on?” she asked exasperatedly. This was not healthy discourse, and soon it was about to get REAL up in hurre.
The sisters again went back and forth with Adrienne attempting to mediate, but shit began to escalate (it’s all a bit of a blur to me). Suddenly, Kim reached her breaking point and blurted out something that was actually totally incomprehensible (and Bravo was so kind as to NOT subtitle it). I had to rewind it five or six times before resorting to closed captioning, which revealed the mystery phrase as “YOU STOLE MY FUCKING HOUSE!”
Oh damn. Now it all comes out.
Oh wait, I’m remember what Kyle said leading up to that: something about how their mother died having to worry about Kim. Yeah, that was a pretty intense statement, and I’m not surprised that Kim snapped back with her own resentments about Kyle. These women had some seriously unfinished business, and it was getting messy. Real messy.
Soon Kyle was crawling all over the limo, accusing her sister of being an alcoholic. And not just an alcoholic. A HELPLESS alcoholic — one that she and Mauricio have had to support and assist for years on end. That’s right: both sisters have serious, deep-seated resentments about having to support each other. Not a good look.
Eventually, everyone got out of the limo (I’m sure Martin couldnt’ wait to grab a stiff drink at the hotel), leaving Kim alone in what was one of the most sad, poetic, and tragic images to ever come out of the franchise: a solitary woman deep in a cavernous limousine, crying as the faulty lights of the cabin flicker on and off around her. It was pretty intense. And this comes in an episode that saw some pretty damn poetic limo imagery, courtesy of Camille (she and Kelsey departing from different sides of their car at the Tonys) and Taylor (she and Russell sharing a cold hand clasp in their vehicle). We’ve seen some intense season finales in the past year for this franchise — perhaps the most intense being Tamra and Simon’s marital breakdown on the last season of Orange County — but this one, rife with deep sisterly issues that have festered for decades — took the cake.
Oh, and Lisa and Cedric apparently are no longer friends after an explosive argument. More details please, Bravo.
“Camille Grammer is totally delusional. Anyway, let’s get back to presenting a box of my mom’s ashes to a woman who can speak to her from the beyond!”
“Taylor, you smile vapidly at me again one more time, and I’ll stuff every bloody white rose in this restaurant down your throat.”
“HAHAHAHAHAHAHA you’re funny, Lisa!”
“I’m not laughing.”
Camille: “Mmmmm… feels nice to have the support of a real friend.”
“Yeah… um… about that. I’m jumping to Team Kelsey.”
“He kind of bought my house. So… see ya!”
Lisa: “What if we put the jewels here? I rather fancy that!”
Cedric: “Like nipples!”
“Yes… that was fairly implied.”
“Because women of nipples!”
“Hahahahaha. I’m funny!”
Giggy: “Seriously, dude. It’s time to move out.”
Cedric: “You know, Italians let their children stay home until they’re fifty.”
Lisa: “Are their children as pathetic as you?”
“I just want to look pretty tonight so that I can have the most RAVISHING meltdown!”
Taylor: “I feel like this is the saddest limo of all time.”
Russell: “Don’t worry, sweetie. It could be so much worse:
“Happy birthday! I got my pscho face on; so this should be fun!!!!”
Russell: “I just want to say happy birthday to my wife. She’s, uh, tall. And she has a nice face. And I guess I love her. So yeah. Oh, and she’s, like, really hot. Happy THIRTIETH birthday. Get it? See what I did?”
Taylor: “Ha ha. Very funny. I’m really thirty-nine, everyone.”
“Thirty-nine? Shit, you got only one good year left before I have to Kelsey Grammer your ass.”
Lisa: “It’s just a lovely night for a party.”
Adrienne: “Yes, just beautiful.”
Paul: “Hey honey. Want some ravioli?”
Lisa: “Ken was just saying how it’s about time we had weather like this.”
Paul: “How about a Swedish meatball?”
Adrienne: “Paul, please.”
Lisa: “I’m just glad Pandora is back from holiday.”
Paul: “How about a cocktail frank? Want one of those?”
Adrienne: “PAUL, I DON’T WANT A FRICKIN HORS D’OEUVRE.”
Paul: “You’re gonna be hungry.”
“Listen to this one. Suddenly he’s a nutritionist.”
“Well, I am a doctor.”
“If Marky Mark told you no, you’d listen.”
“I’m not so sure about that.”
“Paul, just go to the snack bar and get yourself some mini tacos, okay?”
“Oh, that reminds me of something.”
“You want a mini taco?”
“I’m gonna need this. I’m about to go Oklahoma on this party.”
Russell: “Honey, what does that even mean?”
“It means I’m gonna… go… uh… Oklahoma?”
“So, um, I want to clear the air about something. And by ‘clear the air,’ I mean corner you with hostile accusations and an unsympathetic ear.”
Adrienne: “Oh look. There go Taylor and Kim again.”
“Quite dreadful, really. Makes me pine for the days of the medium.”
Kim: “You said ‘insecure.'”
Taylor: “I never said that! And you said ‘insignificant!'”
“That is a lie.”
“Well someone’s lying.”
“You’re ganging up on me.”
“Whatever. It’s insignificant.”
“Ah ha! You just said it!”
“Yes, I said it just NOW but not THEN.”
“But you have indeed said the word ‘insignificant.'”
“And you’ve said the word ‘insecure.'”
“AH! You just said ‘insecure!'”
“As an example of you saying ‘insecure!'”
“You just said it again! Which means that we’ve established a pattern for you saying ‘insecure.'”
“Well, you’ve just said it like three times.”
“Uh. I’ve never said the word in my life.”
“You’re always trying to stir stuff up!”
“WHERE THE FUCK IS MY SCHLITZ??”
Kyle: “Excuse me, Kim, but I think it’s about time I came over here and berated you in my ‘I’m always right, you’re always wrong, now deal with it BITCH’ voice.”
Kim: “You’re going to side with THIS?”
Lisa: “Excuse ME?”
“Not you, Lisa. I mean blimp lips over here.”
Lisa: “Oh. Very well then. Continue.”
Kim: “Never forget that because of me, both of you had childhood homes!”
Taylor: “Huh? I just met you like three months ago.”
“Did you? DID YOU?”
Kyle: “Ugh, Wino McDrinksalot is back.”
“Excuse me, but if you can’t love me like a sister, then I will turn to my Disney family, which is more of a family to me than you EVER were. They named kids after me. They write books about me. There’s a ride in the Magic Kingdom based on ME. It’s called ‘It’s a Small World’ because I’m very short, okay? I’m VERY SHORT!”
“Ugh, and don’t get me started about Martin. Why do you guys keep foisting him on me? It’s like talking to a jack-o-lantern!”
“Kim, my hand is the size of Martin’s head. You do NOT want me to punch you with it.”
“Well, you, KYLE, have a zit! Right THERE!“
“This has been a fun birthday, yes?”
What did you think of the finale?