I’m proud to report that so far, Jersey Shore seems to be surviving its second season surprisingly well. The fame that we thought would totally ruin the magic of the first go-around hasn’t actually spoiled things too much; although, the guys seem a bit more self-aware when it comes to conjuring up amusing acronyms. Nothing will beat GTL, but MVP (Mike, Vinny, Pauly) is pretty solid. That being said, GFF (Grenade Free Foundation) and IFF (I’m Fucked Foundation) are a bit forced, not to mention all too similar.

Nevertheless, despite these mooks being much more famous than ever before, it seems like they still must endure the usual ups and downs of their daily lives: creeping in the club, finding a good barber, and of course enjoying some casual snookering with Snooki. Just another day in the life.

Love was truly in the air on this third episode. And not just love, but romance — Jersey style. In one corner, we had Pauly and The Situation, who headed off to the club in search of tail but only found a pack of “grenades.” Any logical guy would have just moved on to a new venue, but these guys opted to stick around and make lemonade out of lemons (grenade-ale?). Next thing we knew, they had taken back a bunch of girls, who clearly were not representing Miami well. Methinks all the beautiful people were off doing each other. I suppose when you’re a model, there’s no need to waste time with the walking bottles of Axe Body Spray that are The Situation and Pauly D. Also, I’ve heard they’re quite short; so there’s that too.

Anyway, the guys brought their grenades back to the hot tub, and wouldn’t you know it, one of the girls’ fake titties popped out and floated up in the water. Now, I’m not talking about an implant. I’m talking about a little chicken cutlet-esque insert that apparently is worn to cover the nips (according to my friend Jenny, with whom I was watching). Of course, IndianJones (who was also present) and I nodded our heads politely because let’s face it, the girl was wearing the thing to make her boobs bigger. Nevertheless, the cutlet floated off and away before being intercepted by the guys and tossed around like a hot potato. MTV then gladly cut away to the embarrassed, breast-adjusting girl several times, almost as if to say “Hey, you idiot. It’s not our fault you signed the release to hang out with these mooks.” Courtship at its finest.

Meanwhile, my favorite cast member Vinny passed out on a giant beanbag and was soon joined by Snookers, who first proceeded to knock over an entire table before getting a little touchy-feely with her roommate. The two eventually retired to Vincenzo’s bed to supposedly sleep — that is, until Snooki so romantically asked “Wanna fuck?”

“Sure,” replied Vinny.

And so the deed was done. Who said romance was dead? I just wonder if Snooki’s poof survived the casual smoosh.

Elsewhere in the house were the gruesome twosome of Sammi and Ronnie. They’ve actually managed to get worse this season, mostly because they certainly should know better. In one corner we have Ronnie, who famously broke up with his girl on the reunion show after having seen how whipped he had been by her. This season, he was determined to be the single, fun guy — much as he promised last time around — but guess what? It’s been the same old, same old — but with a twist: less sweet romance (if it could ever have been called that) and more obnoxious behavior. You see, Ronnie goes out to the clubs, grinds — er, creeps — on women, gets trashed, and then comes home and crawls into Sammi’s bed where he ever so politely asks “Can I smoosh you, please?” A gentleman above all else!

Adding insult to injury is that recently, Ronnie has taken to calling Sammi his girlfriend, even thought he gets wasted at the club and then revises “girlfriend” to “fucking bitch.” What’s so deplorable about this (aside from the fact that Sammi is a total passive-aggressive, controlling wench, and he shouldn’t be wasting his time with her) is that despite how awfully Ronnie treats Sammi, she still lets him come crawling into her bed. The woman has no self-respect. Part of me thinks she likes having him come back to her, if only so that she can be mad at him the next day.

Whatever, these two are awful, and I think what makes them particularly deplorable is that every one of us knows a couple just like them. And those couples are the worst.

Oh yeah, and Angelina mended fences with J-WOWW and Snooki, but she’s still pretty terrible. Shocker.

Here’s the photocap!

“I feel like I just don’t fit in with none of you jerkoffs.”
“That’s because you’re awful.”
“So you think I’m great? Thanks!”

Snooki: “If you want to fit in with this family, you have to admit what you did. I remember everything, Angelina. You know why my poof is so big? It’s because it’s filled with your lies. It’s a LIE POOF.”

Snooki: “I’m hungry. Waaah.”
“Me too.”
“I want pizza.”
“That would be nice.”
“With pickles.”
“And a soda.”
“Wanna fuck?”

“Hey, who wanna get some gelato and shit? You can eat it off my abs. I’m looking at you, thirteen year old girl!”

“MVP night!”
Angelina: “So I can come along, right?”
“So that’s a yes.”
“Absolutely not.”
“Great, let’s get a cab.”
“It’s a guys night.”
“I’m a guy.”
“You’re a girl.”
“Perfect. I’ll fit right in.”
“So you’re saying you want me to come?”
“We want you to leave us alone!”
“Got it. You want me to join. Will do!”

“Sammi, you’re my girlfriend. I don’t wanna smoosh no one but you.”
“Aww, thanks Ronnie. That’s the most romantic thing any mook has ever said to me!”

“Oh my Gawd. When I go back to work, no one’s gonna believe that I fucked Pauly D in a hot tub. It’ll be all the tawk of Blimpie’s!”

“Hey Vinny, DO ME in my chicken cutlet!”

“I don’t know if it’s the steroids or the coke speaking, but Sammi, I want to smoosh you until your brains come out.”
“Aw, thanks Ronnie.”
“I mean, I’m going to smoosh you until you fall apart like a gelato cone.”
“Like, I wanna smoosh you so hard, you’re gonna think you were hit by a high speed train. All aboard the smoosh express!”
“You’re so romantic!”
“It’ll feel like you’re in Indonesia and you just got slammed by a smoosh tsunami!”
“What’s Indonesia?”
“It’s like a country or some shit.”
“I don’t believe you.”
“You could look it up on a map. And then you’d see a little dot that will say ‘You are here.’ And you know where you’ll be? Smooshville.”

19 replies on “JERSEY SHORE PHOTOCAP: Smoosh Smoosh in the Bush”

  1. I’m not at all sure if anybody on this show ever actually scores–or “smooshes,” as the parlance seems to be. Am I the only one who gets the vibe that MVP are quite often reluctant to actually pull the trigger??

    When I was a child in Florida, we just effing DID it already…

    1. Well, his “push” of Sammi wasn’t really a push. SHE made it out to be domestic violence that deserved 40 to life. He shoved her away from making a gigantic mess.

      With Snooki he was coked out and pissed she was stopping him from dry humping. I have a feeling he takes these girls somewhere and… um… wet humps them, though. He’s definitely coked out.

  2. Also, it drove me nuts they were all wearing sunglasses inside the club and inside their house…

  3. So…. still pretty entertaining. I am cracking up at how they are all wondering at how intense ‘Drunk Ronnie’ is this season…. uhm…. I don’t think he is just ‘Drunk Ronnie.’ I think he is more ‘Using some other substance besides alcohol Ronnie.’ Just guessing….

    1. There was one point where one of them slipped and almost said something. I bet MTV can’t show stuff like coke and make it potentially look cool. I think it would only highlight what a loser Ronnie is. He has no personality. I have no idea why these girls are letting him rub his jean-covered wahoo on their legs.

  4. Sammi is awful. Just awful and you are totally right B-Side, in that everyone has one of THOSE types of couples in their group of friends. Ugh.

  5. The “fake tit” that fell out is actually an adhesive bra that one wears with halter tops and other skimpy/slutty tops that are too revealing to wear with a regular bra. They are meant to prevent one’s nipples from protruding through one’s blouse, not to make one’s boobs appear larger! Every girl knows this, right? Ladies?

    1. Haha. Well, I didn’t. I saw it and immediately thought of the Girls Next Door when they bought what’s her name’s sister those cutlets… Unfortunately (or fortunately?) my chest is ample enough that going without a bra (in the situation you describe) would be REALLY trashy. Even for the midwest. So I can’t speak from experience.

    2. Not correct, there are adhesive bras, but what she was wearing is in fact called a “cutlet”. They are little silicone inserts that are used to create more cleavage and *ahem enhance the breasts. Look at all pro NFL cheerleaders, those who do not have fake breasts, wear these to acheive the right “look.”

  6. Gogula, I know what kind of bra you’re taking about but the girl that cutlet belonged to was already wearing a bra. They also make bra inserts like that to make your boobs look bigger.

    1. Yes. My friend sent me a text this weekend and he said, “I need to change shirts. I’m wearing my shirt before the shirt. Then I’ll be out.” This show, if nothing else, adds a new dimension to immature friendships, like mine!

  7. I dont watch this show but my kids do, they are adults (20,21) so i cant say they cant but i think these “kids” are disgusting , most of them are 30 or close to it with the exception of slutty , i mean snooki and i cant imagine someone wanting to be famous so badly that they would act like total whores and immature assholes to be on tv, we all know mtv will put on any horrible show (hills, real world, 16 and prego, etc) but this takes the cake , i can only imagine what thier parents think of them , me personally i would loose all respect for my kids if they did that , i wish people would come to thier senses and stop watching the show so mtv could pull it off the schedule, i met slutty i mean snooki and she is actually a really sweet girl when the cameras are not around and she said they (mtv) tell them to act that way for the ratings and sometimes they get in heated arguments because there is something in the script that they just are not willing to do but money talks and they get cash bonuses if they do what is asked , they even had one camera guy take money from one of the men cast members to turn the camera off because he is bisexual and wanted to get a Blowjob from a guy at a bar but didnt want it filmed because he was cast as a straight ladies man , the camera guy took the money but its sad because the poor guy has to hide his sexual identity for mtv fearing the ratings would take a hit , in 2010 being gay should not be an issue and it should never be hidden , if the cast member was allowed to be himself he could take guys home in a safe environment instead of having sex in dirty bathrooms . i just hope that there is no more seasons after this one and they grow up and get real jobs and the boy who is gay can be proud of his gayness and not be forced and paid extra by mtv to hide it . mtv should be ashamed of themselves. if you have any respect for the gay community boycott this anti gay show and spread the word that they dont want gay people on this show. its dangerous for all the girls that they are sleeping with since they dont know if the men they are also having sex with are safe and tested. they could be putting a whole generation at rish of getting hiv or aids. thanks for hearing me out and for all young people out there be proud of your sexual identity and dont be bought off to hide it you will regret it if you let mr right go . no amount of money if worth your dignity. thanks for letting me say my piece. and also i read your blog all the time , i think its the best one out there and im sorry to makeing this so serious but i felt it had to be said . thanks again andkeep up the good work.

    1. Ummm….if you watch the show, you will see that NO girls are sleeping with these guys, with the exception of Ronnie and Sammie.

      And where did you here all this from? If you heard it from Snooks herself, she might have been paid to tell this made up story to see how far it speads in the tabloids for publicity.

      And lastly, if you are going to comment here, please do not call our beloved Hills (real World I’ll give you) horrible. B-Side, that is the ultimate diss.

    2. so you are most def. a fucking retard its a fucking show they the cast is WILLINGLY doing its not like mtv is holding them at gunpoint telling them what to do you dumb bitch! Why dont you go tell your kids how proud you are of them for being able to suck dick in a clean inviroment because you support them and not in dirty bathrooms! cunt

  8. I can’t stand another minute of Ronnie and Sammi. I ALMOST turned off this episode.

    And Angelina is so clueless…. I can’t figure it out. She’s obviously obsessed with Pauly, but even at that point get a clue.

    Well, OK, I do have a friend somewhat like her. I love my friend to death (but could kill Angelina b/c she’s a bitch), but she doesn’t take a hint and makes herself way too available (by available, I mean showing up where he is, even when she’s clearly not invited). So I’d like to say they’re paying Angelina to act crazy, but I think she just is. She and Sammi clearly have daddy issues they need help with.

    And I also had (thankfully for now they’re broken up) a couple friend like Sammi and Ronnie. I about had to disown them. The whining and fighting.

    And what is Sammi thinking? What coked out dude wants to sleep? And what dude addicted to coke isn’t goign to go out and get it every chance he can get? And, really, what dude just wants to sleep all the time? Control. Freak.

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