The first part of The Real Housewives of New Jersey reunion special aired last night, and the predominant feeling was… eh? I knew it would be damn near impossible to live up to the televised nirvana that was The Last Supper director’s cut hour from last week, but who knew this reunion would be so bland? There was hardly a scuffle, nary a shout, and barely a bitchy accusation. So far, it’s shaped up to be the worst Housewives reunion of the year! And just when we started to get some drama, emcee wunderkind Andy Cohen told the ladies to stop and save it for later. WTF??? Nevertheless, I’m not sure there were any notable moments worth sharing. Let’s see… Teresa and Jacqueline were both very preggers, with the latter lady looking as if she were going to spray placenta on Andy Cohen’s face at any second. It didn’t help matters that she spent much of the hour massaging her sizable womb like some glammed up Buddha with a spray tan and fat lips. And speaking of those lips, Jacqueline had them so plumped up, I started to think each one was carrying an embryo of its own.
As for other oddly shaped body parts, Danielle revealed that she had a sick bubbie that had never settled into its pocket. That might explain its bizarre, seemingly-autonomous behavior. Amusingly though, Danielle then claimed that she had never had any other surgery beyond the ta-tas. Normally, I’d be able to read her face to see if she was lying, but it’s been pulled back so tight, I just can’t tell.
And speaking of all things surgery-related, what was up with Dina telling Andy that the word was not “bubbies?” She acted as if he were a martian when he said that. Meanwhile, two seconds later, we watched an extensive montage of all the women saying “bubbies” at length. Don’t piss on my leg and tell me it’s marinara sauce, Dina.

Nevertheless, despite her bubbie denial, Dina came off pretty well — if not a bit blandly — during the hour. Same goes for pretty much everyone else. Everyone else except Teresa, who continues to wear thin on me every time I see her. Her defense of her husband saying “that’s so gay” was pretty shabby (although, Andy Cohen’s rebuke was equally inarticulate and poorly executed). More amusing was her inability to grasp simple words such as “clean” (she attempted to mold some sort of concoction of “cleanse” and “cleanliness” — ultimately stuttering through her neologism, “cleansiness”). In terms of child-rearing skills, Teresa turned her nose up at Jill Zarin’s criticism (on her Bravo blog) about spoiling her children. Teresa revealed that her daddy had given her anything SHE had wanted growing up, and look how well SHE had turned out! Memo to Teresa: you turned out TERRIBLY.
Anyway, onto the photocap…

Andy shows off his Fire Island garb.

Btw, I cannot condone this t-shirt and its lack of “a something.” As in, LET ME TELL YOU A SOMETHING ABOUT MY FAMILY.

Andy: “So, uh, are you guys gonna fight or something?”

“Hahahahahaa. He TOTALLY believed that we weren’t in the mob!”

Andy: “I’d like to thank you all for meeting me here on the set of a 1986 Mr. Mister video.”

Andy: “Teresa, you fit right in on this set. You know, because you have big hair.”
Teresa: “That’s so gay.”

“I have a sick boob. Seriously, it likes to be peed and shat awn. The only reason I dated that guy from the drug cartel was because the boob made me. It’s very sick.”


10 replies on “HOUSEWIVES REUNION PHOTOCAP: No Table Flipping Here”

  1. Long time lurker — first time commenter.
    I believe that set was actually recycled from Tom Petty’s “Don’t Come Around Here No More” video. All Cohen’s smarmy ass is missing is a top hat.

  2. Am I the only one that things Andy Cohen completely SUCKS at being a host? …I can’t believe Bravo is going to maybe give him his own show.
    Oh, and I hope Thursday night is better!

  3. I totally agree about Theresa. I used to like her, but now find her almost unwatchable. When they replayed her comments from the dance lesson night, it really hit me that she is just a total drama queen. Things that aren’t about she makes about her.
    And I am over Caroline. For someone who claims not to be in the mob, she might want to stop acting like it. Oh, and let other people have an opinion. That might be nice. She’s just overbearning and has a complete inability to answer the question that was asked.
    I thought Dina, Jacqueline and Danielle came off alright. But man, Danielle’s body language was so weak; I was a bit shocked. She almost became part of the couch. I would love to know what is going on behind the scenes. There seems to be much strife between the sisters and I am dying to know what started the who Danielle/Dina feud.

  4. I think Jacqueline’s lips were so huge because she was so pregnant. I know when I was pregnant any part of my body that could retain water, did. At least I hope that is why her lips were so big. I can’t imagine anyone doing that on purpose.
    Teresa is awful and so is Andy. Can’t stand to look at Danielle at all.
    What was with the secret location?

  5. I think that Andy handed out the valium before this interview.
    I also think that they all talk like their jaws are clenched the whole time they are speaking.

  6. jennifer – i think the flowers on the table we arranged in the shape of new jersey?

  7. Does Andy Cohen not make enough money so that he doesn’t have to get a shitty cotton suit out of the hamper before going on TV?
    And what an asswipe he was for specifying they were in an equally shitty echoing warehouse off the turnpike somewhere, as if he needed to hint that New Jersey is some crappy industrial shithole despite everything they’ve showed this season. Asshole.
    Plus Andy Cohen must double as the Real Housewives Reunion Set Decorator. The sets always look like shit. They robbed a grave blanket from a cemetery (no doubt off the turnpike somewhere) for the coffee table.
    Andy donate your suit to Goodwill, then make Goodwill your full time job. No one likes you. Cute but stupid.
    I’m a little worried about PoorDanielle. Everyone looked the same (plus some baby weight) but Danielle looked old, pale, wrinkled, sickly, seriously distressed. She makes such awful decisions in life, so I just assumed someone like that doesn’t much care what people think. Apparently she does. Weird.
    I sort of liked Caroline for a minute, but she kept going off into those preachy little speeches of hers.
    Thanks for the recap.

  8. I thought Jacqueline just looked a little puffy and swollen, both of which I attributed to her being in the final days of her pregnancy.
    I hope part 2 of the reunion is better than the first. It was kind of a let down, but really, what could they possibly do to top that finale?
    Teresa was killing me with her “cleansiness” crap. The whole time she was talking about people with “dirty” houses (those who do not mop everyday – seriously? I’m happy to find time twice a week.), I kept thinking, “She’s talking about me!” Maybe if I found a maid I could pay in cash, she’d mop my floors every day.

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