The first part of The Real Housewives of New Jersey reunion special aired last night, and the predominant feeling was… eh? I knew it would be damn near impossible to live up to the televised nirvana that was The Last Supper director’s cut hour from last week, but who knew this reunion would be so bland? There was hardly a scuffle, nary a shout, and barely a bitchy accusation. So far, it’s shaped up to be the worst Housewives reunion of the year! And just when we started to get some drama, emcee wunderkind Andy Cohen told the ladies to stop and save it for later. WTF??? Nevertheless, I’m not sure there were any notable moments worth sharing. Let’s see… Teresa and Jacqueline were both very preggers, with the latter lady looking as if she were going to spray placenta on Andy Cohen’s face at any second. It didn’t help matters that she spent much of the hour massaging her sizable womb like some glammed up Buddha with a spray tan and fat lips. And speaking of those lips, Jacqueline had them so plumped up, I started to think each one was carrying an embryo of its own.
As for other oddly shaped body parts, Danielle revealed that she had a sick bubbie that had never settled into its pocket. That might explain its bizarre, seemingly-autonomous behavior. Amusingly though, Danielle then claimed that she had never had any other surgery beyond the ta-tas. Normally, I’d be able to read her face to see if she was lying, but it’s been pulled back so tight, I just can’t tell.
And speaking of all things surgery-related, what was up with Dina telling Andy that the word was not “bubbies?” She acted as if he were a martian when he said that. Meanwhile, two seconds later, we watched an extensive montage of all the women saying “bubbies” at length. Don’t piss on my leg and tell me it’s marinara sauce, Dina.
Nevertheless, despite her bubbie denial, Dina came off pretty well â€”Â if not a bit blandly â€”Â during the hour. Same goes for pretty much everyone else. Everyone else except Teresa, who continues to wear thin on me every time I see her. Her defense of her husband saying “that’s so gay” was pretty shabby (although, Andy Cohen’s rebuke was equally inarticulate and poorly executed). More amusing was her inability to grasp simple words such as “clean” (she attempted to mold some sort of concoction of “cleanse” and “cleanliness” â€”Â ultimately stuttering through her neologism, “cleansiness”). In terms of child-rearing skills, Teresa turned her nose up at Jill Zarin’s criticism (on her Bravo blog) about spoiling her children. Teresa revealed that her daddy had given her anything SHE had wanted growing up, and look how well SHE had turned out! Memo to Teresa: you turned out TERRIBLY.
Anyway, onto the photocap…