The Most Vicious Restaurant Review You Might Read This Year

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I realize that a lot of people who read this blog don’t necessarily live in Los Angeles, but that’s no reason why we all can’t simply adore this restaurant review which absolutely eviscerates one of the city’s oldest establishments, Gladstone’s of Malibu. The famed seafood joint gets the royal treatment from Leslie Brenner (subbing in for critic S. Irene Virbila), who viciously tears apart nearly every plate that descends on her unlucky table. I have to admit that I was damn glad she did it too. I ate at Gladstone’s a year ago, and I was shocked at both the pricing and the mediocrity (at best) of the food. How could a place like this be so popular? I guess one can never underestimate the power of an oceanfront view.
Nevertheless, Brenner’s review is laugh-out-loud funny at times; so much so that I just had to compile some of my favorite quotes:

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CALL THE FUN POLICE: Ina Garten Zigzags

This is one of my favorite Barefoot Contessa openings, and not just because Ina Garten talks about the “Fun Police.” No, it’s the awkward wending and winding that makes it so special. It’s like she’s walking through her own WASPy version of Lombard Street. Unfortunately, poor Ina can’t quite walk and talk at the same time; so she constantly looks down at her feet to watch her step, lest she tramples some bundle of herbs (much in the way she tramples Jeffrey’s nautical dreams). Still, she’s rarely this mobile in her opening sequences — usually opting for a squat, oddly framed shot instead — so I gotta give her props for trying. To quote her, “Let me tell you, I’M impressed.”
Hello, fun police? We got a live one here!

AFTERNOON CAKE: Vintage Porsche Edition

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Once again, I’m happily shilling for my friends, Marc and Leslie. From the same people who made the best R2-D2 cake EVER (even if it was red, purists be damned), here’s a nifty Porsche cake the two made for a recent client. Ain’t it the cutest little Porsche cake you done ever seen?
For more info, visit Mark Joseph Cakes. And check out one more pic after the jump…

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WHAT THE FRAK: Tricia Helfer Stalked By Obsessive Fan/Giggler

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When it comes to celebrity stalking, I like to think I’m quite the expert, but compared to my friend IndianJones, I’m clearly just a novice. Take for instance his encounter last night with Battlestar Galactica’s chief hottie, Tricia Helfer.
Full glorious story (replete with fanboy-tastic lingo such as “skinjob”) after the jump…

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Congrats to R2

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Last month, I posted photos of my friends Mark and Leslie’s triumphant R2-D2 cake, and I am happy to report that in the time since, the tasty dessert has become an Internet sensation. The story has been picked up by the Los Angeles Times as well as various news and radio outlets in Arizona, Boston, New Zealand, and Norway; not to mention such websites as Great White Snark, Fark, StumbleUpon, Slashfood, and, I’m happy to report, the official Star Wars blog at starwars.com. (ooooh)
Now, I’m not writing this just to toot my own horn (although, I rarely pass up an opportunity to do just that). No, I’m writing because I want to thank Mark and Leslie for giving my site such a huge traffic boost, and furthermore, since the whole point of the original post was to give their new bakery exposure, I’m super excited to say that as of yesterday, their cake has been viewed (on my site alone) by over 100,000 different people and counting! If you’re in the NY area, be sure to check them out and tell them I sent you. Here’s the link:
• Mark Joseph Cakes

REAL WORLD PHOTOCAP: The One Girl Is a 'B'

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I’m not gonna lie: the latest episode of the The Real World totally caught me by surprise. For forty-five minutes, it seemed to be dwelling in Sarah’s awful, judgmental behavior (with occasional bland detours into the world of Briana) when suddenly, out of nowhere, the specter of cancer up and KILLED a person on the show. What the? Poor Brandon, who served as a mentor to Nick, was gone before we knew him, sadly succumbing to the disease he had apparently battling for quite some time. He only first surfaced on this episode, but his passing was still remarkably powerful, what with his dying wishes for Nick to carry the torch for him in entertainment. I’m not gonna lie: I was a bit misty-eyed (and then some).
However, as tragic as the last ten minutes of the episode were, we simply cannot overlook the rest of the show, which truly featured Sarah at her worst. She may be smart, but her bitchy, prudish attitude has been reaching new heights (or lows) of obnoxiousness — as evidenced by the way she literally tattled to Charna about Nick’s alleged loudness the night prior. Oh, and then there’s the way she addresses the camera: narrowing one eye, tilting her head, dismissing whoever it is she’s talking about, etc.. She’s become fairly awful — to the point of hilarity — which is why it was so wonderful to see Sarah first fail at her hosting gigs and then get wasted, fall over, barf in her hair, and then devolve into an incoherent mess of tears. Perfect cosmic justic; although, I should note that she wasn’t entirely incapacitated — she did have enough wherewithal to hurl a lightly racist comment at Nick; so that was pleasant and everything.
Photocap after the jump…

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24 Hour Fitness Tries to Screw Me Over, Ranting Ensues

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I have been a loyal member of 24 Hour Fitness for years and years, going all the way back to the heady days of 2002 when I joined the gym’s flagship facility in Hollywood just days after opening. I’ve never really had a problem with the place (unlike with the dreadful con-artists at Bally’s Total Fitness), and over time, as more and more people joined up and quality began to lag here and there, I stayed true to my membership. Sure, the mandatory towel rule was rarely enforced, and sure, the lines at the cardio machines were verging on ridiculous, and sure, finding free weights had become akin to a minor scavenger hunt, but I kind of let that all slide. I was happy enough, and the constant stream of reality stars in the gym (not to mention the occasional A-lister — a.k.a. Justin Timberlake twice!) kept my gluttony for fame satisfied. Things weren’t perfect, but it’s such a pain to change gyms, and I wasn’t going to leave 24 Hour Fitness unless I felt like I really had to.
And then this week happened.

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I Don't Get It

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Call me a luddite, but sometimes I simply don’t get men’s high fashion. Take, for example, this strange piece profiled in The New York Times. It’s from Alexander McQueen, and while I appreciate that it’s more of an avant garde look aimed at influencing the market more than dominating it, I still can’t help thinking that most men wouldn’t be caught dead in what amounts to be a feathered, pseudo-sequined tube top. Or would they?
After the jump, some artistic projections on who might adopt the new look.

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THEATER REVIEW: Point Break Live!

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It’s not often that I stray from my TV, but once in a while, I do peel myself off the couch and take in a bit of the theatre (pronounced “theee-atttrah”). Case in point: last week, I attended Point Break Live!, the much buzzed-about play which reenacts the famed 1991 action pic, Point Break, live on stage. Long story short: it was hilarious.
To the uninitiated, Point Break Live! is one of those low-rent, interactive performances — the type that mandates the use of a poncho, lest your shirt be soaked with water, beer, and fake blood (all three of which are ultimately flung into the audience — quite liberally). These touches are funny, but what truly separates Point Break Live! from the pack is its genius conceit of having an audience member play Johnny Utah, the lead role originally inhabited by the prototypically monotone Keanu Reeves. Subscribing to the theory that anyone can do just as good a job as Reeves, the play throws its unrehearsed Johnny Utah into the fray, feeding him cue-cards throughout the duration of the show and creating the sort of trainwreck performance that can only be described as perfectly brilliant and brilliantly perfect.
But this isn’t just a one-joke show. The entire cast absolutely tears into the wooden screenplay with campy yet reverential glee, milking all its silly one-liners for maximum comic potential. People who’ve never seen the original may be shocked to know that this dialogue has been taken verbatim from the movie, but rest assured, it’s 98% faithful to the source material. Plus, if anything, this version is better. Creators Jaime Keeling and Jamie Hook cut away some of the unnecessary plot diversions of the film and leave us with a streamlined, if still utterly unbelievable, story. Everyone appears to be having the time of their lives on stage, and as the various actors and actresses galavant throughout the theater (and onto the street outside), the mania becomes infectious. Point Break Live! very easily could have worn out its welcome after thirty minutes, but instead, this hysterical, uproarious production keeps things lively the entire night. My party, which included fellow influential bloggers J-Unit (Half-Black Charisma), Cat Vasko (Gridskipper), and Katherine Spiers (Metromix LA), all agreed: Point Break Live! is definitely worth checking out (buy the poncho at the door).
Tickets for Angelenos can be found at Theatermania.com. And should the production hit the road, be sure to keep up with the schedule at the show’s MySpace page.
(Two more bonus pics after the jump)

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MARRY ME: 'Arrested Development' Movie Confirmed!

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I’m not playing a trick — er, illusion — on you. The long-rumored Arrested Development movie has been confirmed by Jason Bateman. Details are still murky (they’re witholding. Look at them, getting off…) but according to The Times, it appears as though the Bluth family is coming to the big screen sometime next year. Now, I won’t get too excited, as relying on a British paper for a Hollywood scoop can be a bit perilous; however, the mere prospect of this project becoming a reality gives me a case of the Lucille Austero dizzies.
If you haven’t jumped onto the Arrested Development bandwagon yet (C’MON!), it’s never too late. HDNet airs the reruns every day, and of course, there are the DVDs. Take it from me, a relatively late convert, the more you watch, the better it gets.
• WHAT A ‘FUN, SEXY TIME’ FOR US: JASON BATEMAN CONFIRMS ‘ARRESTED DEVELOPMENT’ MOVIE TO SHOOT NEXT YEAR [Defamer]