THE CITY PHOTOCAP: Time To Hit Craigslist, Whitney!

I nearly fainted in horror when I heard those dreaded words at the end of this week’s episode of The City. You know what I’m talking about: “Next week on the season finale.” Nooooooo!!! It can’t be over already! This wonderful gem must continue on. Give us five more episodes, MTV. Ten! Twelve! Alas, our season is about to end, and if rumors are to be believed, this may by it for the series as a whole. However, I refuse to believe that this most excellent program could be leaving us forever.

Instead, I’ll focus on the positive: girl fights! And man were there girl fights galore on this week’s show. The bitchiness came courtesy of Whitney, of all people, who was still stewing over Roxy being unable to make that popstar trollop wear her blazer. The tension was thick between the two former besties, and when Kelly Cutrone waltzed by to invite them to an event that night, it was all I could do to refrain from laughing as the girls barely acknowledged each other despite being two feet away. When Whitney then inform Kelly that her collection might be used in an Ashley Greene photo shoot, Roxy muttered something about how hard it is to keep clothing on celebrities. It was such a Debbie Downer moment that I actually half expected to hear a trumpet go “Waa-wwaaaaaaah.”

Nevertheless, Whitney’s collection did get plenty of exposure at the photo shoot where Erin and Joe Zee pushed for the inclusion of her pieces on the Twilight starlet. I could understand Erin’s fervor for the Whitney Eve line — anything to rattle Olivia (who was on set for Elle.com) will be worthwhile to her. Joe’s passion for the collection felt a bit forced. Staged, perhaps. What a startling suggestion! Nevertheless, he took perverse joy in needling Olivia about it, exchanging sly, bemused glances with Erin on the side.

Well, despite Olivia’s best efforts to the contrary, Joe all but forced Ashley into a shimmering Whitney Eve top and then demanded that Olivia comment on the ensemble for the cameras. Olivia gave Ashley an up and down and then praised the shoes, the skirt, and possibly some accessories. Heck, she would have praised a zit on Ashley’s armpit if she had to — just as long as she didn’t have to mention Whitney’s line. It was a wonderfully passive-aggressive move on Olivia’s part, but ultimately a fruitless one because at the end of the day, Ashley Greene was still wearing Whitney’s top (plus, she got to plug her new movie, Eclipse, in theaters now!).

The good news for Erin was that later in the episode, Olivia revealed that there was some mysterious opportunity in Japan that she suddenly felt it very important that she cover. Joe wasn’t terribly excited about the idea, but Olivia tossed up a few reasons why it would be a good idea: a) she could look at Japanese street fashion, which, of course, she won’t do, and b) she could liaise with Elle’s Japan office, which she also probably wouldn’t do. It wasn’t the most compelling case, and given Olivia’s shoddy record, I didn’t see why the magazine would pay to send her halfway around the world (especially since magazines are notoriously stingy with their money these days), but then the gears started turning in Joe Zee’s head, and he realized that Olivia in Japan meant Olivia NOT in his office. He told her that it was actually a good idea (lies) and requested that Olivia write up a formal request. This, of course, assumes that Olivia knows how to use a computer.

Perhaps happiest about this development most of all were Erin and Seth, who snickered schemingly on the sidewalks of Manhattan, happily plotting the demise of their rival. Well, it’s more like Erin’s rival. I think Seth just likes having someone to gossip about. Nevertheless, they both suspected that with Olivia out of their hair, the magazine might realize how little they miss her. Yes, the plan was all coming together…

Meanwhile, back in Whitney land, she learned that Roxy would be moving out of the apartment. This came after Roxy checked out a rather small, but furnished, apartment in a fancy building in midtown. The rent? Oh, just a paltry $4,000 a month. Not too shabby. And yes, this is sarcasm.

$4,000?? For a girl who’s one notch above intern at a PR house? In the wise words of the late Nell Carter, GIMME A BREAK. Amusingly, Roxy checked out the pad with Sam, who last time I checked couldn’t stand the girl, but I suppose those are the breaks when you’re just a supporting sidekick character on these shows. You’d think Samantha might chime in with a voice of reason and say, “Hey, this is too expensive. How about you get a studio? IN BROOKLYN?” Instead, however, she revealed her taste for the opulent by rattling off all the reasons why $4,000 a month was worth it: nice neighborhood, doorman, furnishings. Oh. Well never mind!

Roxy then immediately called upon her dad, actor Ken Olin, for help with the finances, but he wasn’t about to shell out for this ridiculous bachelorette pad. Instead, he did quite the opposite: he cut her off! At least, that’s what we’re meant to believe. Even worse, he then said he would only reinstate Roxy’s allowance if she returned to Los Angeles. So… basically he was bribing her to return home. Seemed a bit unhealthy.

Well, Roxy and Whitney both wound up at a bizarre fashion show sitting next to each other. Despite their promises to Kelly that they’d be on their best behavior, the two began bickering. Whitney barked at her roomie about moving out and not telling her, and Roxy snapped back that she DID tell her, blah blah blah. It didn’t really matter what these girls were saying. The whole point of the scene was waiting for Kelly to erupt in anger and shut them both down. Sure enough, that’s what she did, but alas, it wasn’t terribly curse-laden. WHAT’S EVEN THE POINT?

As the episode came to a conclusion, we found Roxy packing up her belongings into a sad little suitcase and then strolling out of the cozy apartment she had called home for a year. Whitney, meanwhile, sulked from the window and watched as her friend headed off. Good riddance.

And now I too shall stand by the proverbial window and watch sadly as the season quietly drives off into the sunset. In the meantime, here’s the photocap:

“Hmmmm… this apartment is $4,000 a MONTH, and it’s only 800 square feet, and I don’t really have a job that pays more than $25,000 a year… BUT it does come with furniture! SOLD!”

“Whitney! So wonderful to see you! Mind if I use one of your crappy designs to piss off Olivia today?”

“I would love that! I have this black blazer that’s awesome! It’s the sort of thing you can put on and then THROW ON THE FLOOR.”

“Hey Dad, I have this great idea: you pay me $4,000 a month, and I’ll, like, hang out.”

“I just don’t know if I can get behind you wasting away your twenties in New York City. Before you know it, you’ll be a THIRTYSOMETHING. Get it?”
“Yeah, I get it, Dad.”

Joe: “LOVE those wooden hangars. They make clothes look so CAYUUUTE!!!”

“Would someone take this shirt from me. It’s taking up ALL my strength just to hold it. I’m very brittle.”

Kelly: “This is what you call lingering over people in the POWER BITCH WORLD!”

“Oh my God, I just totally got laid by a bike messenger.”

“I just LOVE your outfit! The shoes and the skirt and the belt and the NOT BLAZER look sooo fashion forward!”

“I just can’t believe how everything looks so great on you, SPECIFICALLY EXCLUDING THE BLAZER WHICH WAS CLEARLY DESIGNED BY A HOMELESS PERSON NEAR THE PORT AUTHORITY.”

Whitney: “You’re moving out?”
“Yeah, well, you’re kind of a bitch now.”
“No, I’m not, YOU WHORE! NOW GET ME SOME BON BONS!”

Kelly: “Hey, um, did anyone DVR Wipeout for me last week?”

“Also, shut the hell up. There’s no time for bickering. IT’S FUCKING FASHION WEEK! AND WE’RE AT A FUCKING FASHION SHOW AT FUCKING FASHION WEEK! IT’S SO FUCKING META. YOU’D THINK IT’S FUCKING META WEEK. But guess what? It’s only FUCKING FASHION WEEK!”

“So… I was thinking of going to Japan; although, I’m not sure how I feel about all the sushi over there. I find it HIGHLY unprofessional that they don’t cook their fish.”

“Japan? I don’t LOOOVVE IT. But then you’d be out of my hair; so yeah, LOVE IT! But then we’d have to foot the bill for you. So not CAYUUTE!”

Erin: “Could you imagine if Olivia went off to Japan?”
Seth: “OMG, I would love it.”
“If ever there were a time to nuke that godforsaken island again…”
“Too far, Erin.”
“You’re right.”
“I’m just kidding. LET’S KILL THE BITCH!”

Seth: “So if Olivia’s gone, who are we going to talk shit about?”
“Yeah, um, I’ve been meaning to talk to you about that. You’re kind of in the #2 spot.”
“ME? Why?”
“Well, you’re kind of pasty.”
“I BURN EASILY! I CAN’T HELP IT!”
“If it makes you feel better, you’re our target only by default.”
“What about Louise? She has those droopy lips.”
“Ha. And I’m sure she’s just SHATTERED about that.”
“Hahahaha.”
“Okay, that works. Louise it is!”

Roxy: “I know this is shocking, but I’m leaving right now. I figure it’d be better to just do this quickly, like tearing off a Band-Aid.”
“Quickly? I said you could CRASH ON MY COUCH, and that was a year ago. Bitch, this is a one bedroom. Smell ya later!”

What did you think about the episode?