THE CITY PHOTOCAP: Not Having It

The three way game of passive-aggressive chess on The City continued in fine fashion this week, with the likes of Kelly Cutrone and Joe Zee getting mixed up in Olivia, Erin, and Whitney’s business. Only poor Roxy was left on the sidelines with nothing to do but shiver in the cold draft that wafted through her romantic date every time someone opened the door of the restaurant. Yes, while Roxy bantered with her photographer love interest (who looks not unlike a sickly Casey Affleck), Whitney was busy getting her fashion line in order. You might remember that at the end of the previous episode, Joe Zee heralded Erin’s pitch to have the Whitney Eve collection included in something called Rue La La (I’m still hazy on what that actually is). Olivia wasn’t too keen on this idea, but just because Erin had gone over her head to Joe Zee to push Whitney’s collection through didn’t mean that Ms. Palermo wouldn’t have her revenge. For now…

You see, with Whitney Eve included in Rue La La, Olivia now had to attend the photo shoot and record a bit for Elle.com. The only problem was that Olivia was not about to support Whitney. Of course, she didn’t want to explicitly say that. Instead, she decided to passive-aggressively maneuver her way out of this disagreeable situation. Olivia cozied up to a senior accessories editor at the magazine and pitched that Elle.com go profile two up and coming jewelry designers — who just so happened to be Olivia’s friends. Not realizing the trap she was stepping into, the editor signed off on the idea, and now suddenly Olivia had an excuse to not visit Whitney’s shoot.

Unfortunately, Olivia somehow neglected to inform her dearest co-worker Erin about this change of plan. As such, Erin was left twiddling her thumbs at Whitney’s photo shoot, wondering when the hell the Elle.com production crew would arrive. Whitney, meanwhile, made chirpy banter with the photographer on set, who revealed quite proudly that prior to fashion, he used to shoot WAR. Whitney’s eyes widened like saucers, but then again, she could see a pebble on the sidewalk, and her eyes would light up like saucers.

I suppose now would be a good time to pause and say that I walked by Whitney just LAST NIGHT as she was about to walk into the Nylon Magazine Young Hollywood Party. I’ve seen her before, but never all done up like this. She was — no joke — a total knockout. More on that in another post though…

Anyway, Kelly Cutrone soon whooshed into the room, bringing with her that wonderful mix of determination and Darth Vader scariness. We knew things were about to get ugly, especially when Erin called Olivia and found out the fledgling Elle.com superstar would NOT be showing up after all. Whitney was perplexed by this — after all, why wouldn’t the girl who had set up this entire shoot NOT pop in to cover it? And that’s when it all came out. Erin revealed that Olivia was not supporting the line and that it was SHE who had orchestrated everything. This sent Kelly into a giant rage as she took the convo from zero to sixty by yelling something along the lines of “Who the FUCK cares about OLIVIA PALERMO’S OPINION??” Sadly, I simply cannot do justice to what was a divine outburst. Olivia had gotten on Kelly’s bad side, and this could only lead to tremendous things.

Well, Olivia thought she may have thought she’d successfully thwarted Whitney’s plans for world domination, but she had another thing coming. Joe Zee called her into his office the next day, and we knew IMMEDIATELY he wasn’t happy. How? Well, for starters, he didn’t coo about her outfit the moment she walked into the door. He didn’t even utter the words “LOOOVE!!!” or “CAYUUUTE!!!” Instead, he tersely asked Olivia to shut the door behind her as she entered — most certainly an ominous sign.

Then, for the first time, ever Joe scolded Olivia, saying it was embarrassing to have an entire show room of people waiting on Olivia. This wasn’t the usual tsk tsk and a slap on the wrists. Joe was angry. I kind of didn’t know what to do. Since when does Joe Zee get mad? Maybe he realized he looked like a total pushover (but a LOVABLE pushover) last season.

Of course, Olivia also got an earful from Erin, who happily bitched out her nemesis for bailing on the shoot. Olivia chalked it up to “miscommunication,” which I suppose is accurate in that Olivia NEVER communicated to Erin that she would be bailing; so yes, that IS a miscommunication. Erin exacted her revenge though when she ultimately killed Olivia’s shoddy Elle.com piece on her friend. Advantage: KAPLAN!

Eventually though, Olivia had to bite the bullet and arrange a lunch — per Joe’s request — with Whitney to smooth things over. She probably thought this would be a walk in the park. Little did Olivia realize that Kelly had just given Whit Whit a major pep talk, officially encouraging the sweet ingenue to rip Olivia to shreds. Whitney expressed some hesitation on this front, concerned that this might be rather uncouth. Whatever, Kelly reasoned. Olivia was “professionally dangerous” to Whitney and needed to be taken down a peg.

And so the two women met, and for the first time ever, Whitney showed some balls. She’s stood up for herself in the past, but this time around, she really let Olivia have it, going so far as to call her a bitch. Olivia squirmed and attempted to change the subject, often adopting a haughty guise of professionalism to deflect any criticisms, but Whitney just wasn’t having it. Eventually, the prissy brunette marched away, leaving Whitney behind to mutter “Coward.” It was, in short, awesome.

And now here is the photocap:

“Aren’t rocket ships crazy?”

“Okay, take two. Hi, I’m Olivia Palermo here for Elle.com, and I’m standing here with — I don’t know — SOME girl. Tell me, what are your thoughts on Ross and Rachel?”
“Excuse me?”
“Ross and Rachel. From Friends. Will they ever get together?”
“Um, they did.”
“What do you mean?”
“They got together on the series finale. It went off the air like six years ago.”
“Well, I find it highly unprofessional to tell me this now.”

“OMG, you’re our photographer. What’s THAT like?”
“Well, I used to shoot war.”
“Wow. War. Is that like when people fight and stuff?”
“Yeah.”
“Cool.”

“So the thing is with Felix the Cat clocks is that they start like this…”

“…and then go like this.”

“Who the FUCK cares about FUCKIN’ Olivia FUCKING Palermo? She can’t just bail. Not the week before FUCKING FASHION WEEK!!”

“I’m so angry I could SIGH!!!”

“Quite frankly, the fact that you do not want to join my Happy Aquarium on Facebook is highly unprofessional.”

“How about next time you bail on a shoot, you tell me.”

“Well, I had told a lot of people.”

“BUT NOT ME.”

“Well, I guess there was a miscommunication on both our parts.”

“What did I miscommunicate? YOU were the one who bailed.”

“This really isn’t up for debate. You’re being highly unprofessional, and you’re miscommunicating.”

“I’m being highly professional, and I’m communicating clearly.”

“Oh. Well I never said you weren’t. There must have been a miscommunication about my previous statement about you miscommunicating. That was highly unprofessional of your ears to hear it that way.”

“So anyway, the latest news is that I’m dying of consumption!”

“Seriously, what soup kitchen did you crawl out of?”

“Olivia, your absence at the Whitney Eve photoshoot was most certainly not CAAYUUUUUTE!!! I didn’t LOOOVE IT!!!”

“Quite frankly, Joe, I don’t appreciate the tone in which you are talking to me. I find it to be highly unprofessional.”
“Olivia—“
“If you don’t apologize, I will punch you with my diamond studded kitten testicles.”

“Ugh, if I receive another invitation to Mafia Wars from Olivia, I’m going to stab her.”

“Do you like my shawl? That’s what you call SPARKLING in the POWER BITCH world.”

“Now put your sparkling shawl on too. IT’S FUCKING FASHION WEEK!!!”

“I don’t like tacos. There. I said it.”

“I’m pissed at you, Olivia. And when I get angry, I’m like the Hulk. Except, instead of turning green, I just get tanner.”

“Listen, I didn’t come all the way down here to be attacked. Don’t you know how hard it was for me to get here? Getting around isn’t easy when you walk like an old lady!”

“You’re a bitch.”

“Well, that was highly unprofessional. And let’s not forget who destroyed my Farmville crop.”

“That was by accident! I thought I was clicking ‘Like.'”

“Well, tell that to my cousin Nevin. HE DEPENDS ON MY CARROTS, YOU WHORE!!!”

What did you think about the episode? How great was Kelly?