I’m back after an ever-so-brief midweek hiatus. Big Brother continues to deliver the goods, with this week’s drama centering around a one-piece bathing suit and a not-so-secret Moving Company 2.0 alliance. Let’s talk about the latter. Spencer and Howard had the right idea to join forces with the outsiders in the household (ie. GinaMarie and Kaitlin). Why they thought Judd should be in that alliance, however, is beyond me. Sure enough, their dumb strategery led to their downfall as Judd happily blabbed about the new group to Helen et al. And that’s where things became really interesting.
Helen immediately shared this new information with Elissa and Amanda, insisting that the girls don’t say ANYTHING to ANYONE. Of course, when was the last time anyone ever followed that advice in the Big Brother house? Elissa, who can’t even keep her mouth shut about being MVP, immediately spilled the beans to Kaitlin, but this was no accident. She clearly wanted to give Kaitlin the edge so that Elissa’s arch-rival Aaryn would be more likely to go home. It’s this sort of selfish behavior and scheming that makes Big Brother amazing. And the carping at one-pieces is pretty fun too.
Photocap after the jump…
“Good evening. I’m Julie Chen, and I have a velociraptor egg hidden in my hair.”
“I can’t believe that QUEER Andy said I look like Pebbles from The Flintstones.”
Aaryn: “You guys, I haven’t been a bitch for three days. I deserve some credit for that. Now where’s that Chinawoman with my TEA?”
“I wonder if America voted for Amanda’s one-piece to be MVP. Ewwww. THANKKKS but NO THANKKKSSS.”
Candice: “What if there’s life on Mars?”
Howard: “Meep?”
“I promised Helen I would never lie to her again in this game. That’s why I’ve decided to start a new SECRET alliance and LIE about it! I really got this strategy thing down to a science!”
Aaryn: “Oh Helen. So glad I found you. I really want to talk to you about something.”
“What’s up?”
“I would like one California roll, one rainbow roll, and one eel and avocado roll, but with soy paper instead of seawood.”
“Excuse me?”
“Arrigato sayonara!”
Helen: “You guys, I just found out there’s a secret alliance with Kaitlin, Howard, Spencer, and GinaMarie! Don’t tell anyone!”
Elissa: “Tell everyone. GOT IT.”
“Is that Howard’s hat? Is Helen working with Howard? Are the minorities banding together? Just how much control does Howard have? Does Howard know my inner-most thoughts? Can he hear me right now? WE HAVE TO EVICT HIM. OH NO HE HEARD THAT!”
“Elissa, do you promise not to tell anyone about this news?”
“Your secret is safe with me, THANKKKS FOR ASSSKING. Now SCUSE me I have to go tell everyone your secret, NO OFFENSE.”
“When do we get to evict Amanda’s one-piece?”
“Amanda’s one-piece makes her look like a fat whore, NO OFFFENNNSSSSSE.”
“Not to be hurtful, but if I were Amanda, I would throw myself off a bridge before I wore that one-piece. Like, who DOES that? THANKKKSSS.”
“Are you in a secret alliance with Amanda’s one-piece? I’m, like, so not obSESSed.”
Helen: “Elissa, why are you telling Kaitlin that you know about her alliance?”
“No, I’m not. I don’t even know who Katilin IS. But THANKSSS for ASSSKING.”
“Elissa.”
“Like, all I did was ask Kaitlin about her favorite peppermill. Don’t you have a favorite pepperrrrmill?”
“I do, but that’s beside the point.”
“Then what is the point? I don’t get the point. I hate points. That’s why I never sharpen pencils. THANKKKS FOR ASSKING THOUGH, NO OFFENSSSSE.”
“Helen, when the HELL is our origami lesson?”
“Origami? That’s, like, so offensive, NO OFFENSE.”
“Why don’t you say that to my face?”
“I, like, just did. THANKKS.”
“Why are you starting rumors about me?”
“I didn’t start rumors about you. I started rumors involving you. Big DIFFFFFFRINCE. THANKKKKSSSS.”
“You’re worse than a black person in an anti-dancing zone.”
“What is this bitch saying?”
McCrae: “Should I be aroused or scared?”
Amanda: “BOTH.”
Amanda: “Stop talking and put your one-piece in my pizza box.”
Julie: “Houseguests, the first person to guess how many Bumpits are in my hair wins Head of Household. RESET I NEED AN ANSWER RESET.”
“I just wanna say to all yous that I never reached a compromization with any of yous about where I stands in the house, but I believe I deserve to… to…”
Aaryn: “Stay.”
“Steak. I deserve steak. And potatoes. Because I’m starving. So please keep me in this… this…”
Aaryn: “House.”
“Blouse. I would like to stay in my blouse. But if I have to take it off, I will. This is for you Nick. Get ready to see my… my…”
Aaryn: “Please don’t.”
“Flea doughnut. I’m gonna show America my flea doughnut. It’s round, has bugs, and you eat it for breakfast. Thank you.”
“Oh shucks. I forgot to file my Naughty Or Nice report with Santa this week!”
“Oh man. I’m having the hottest fantasy of Nick pounding me in the loading dock behind Payless Shoes. YAAASS.”
Julie: “How do you feel about being called a Mean Girl?”
Kaitlin: “What? ME? Hardly. That’s clearly a rumor that fat, ugly LOSERS made up. Ugh.”
The show comes to a halt as The Chenbot spontaneously belts out “Unbreak My Heart.”
“I hope Big Brother serves as a powerful platform to promote my new fashion accessory: gun holsters made of romaine lettuce.”
Elissa: “Hey Amanda, could you hurry up? You’re taking longer than an old lady getting into a one-piece, NO OFFENSSSSE. THANKKKKSSSS.”
Howard: “Congratulations.”
Aaryn: “HELP. SOMEONE HELP ME. I’M BEING ATTACKED BY A BLACK MAN!”
“Jeff, what are going through the house guests’ minds? What are they thinking? Are they going crazy?”
“Okay, settle down Blanche Devereaux.”
Jule: “I WANT MY COFFEE, AND I WANT IT NOW!!!”
“WHERE THE HELL IS MY GODDAMN PERRIER??”
“SOMEONE CALL LESLIE AND TELL HIM I SPECIFICALLY ASKED FOR ADIRONDACK CHAIRS NOT THESE STUPID MOTHERFUCKING STOOLS.”
“WHERE’S MY ASSISTANT? YOU KNOW, THE ONE WHO WEARS THE STRIPES. WHERE THE HELL IS STRIPEY?? I NEED MY DIET COKE!”
“TELL STRIPEY TO SEND ME A GODDAMN CANDY CRUSH SAGA TICKET TO THE NEXT EPISODE. I WILL NOT WAIT A MINUTE MORE!”
“HOW MANY TIMES DO I HAVE TO ASK FOR A BEARCLAW AROUND HERE? IF THERE’S NOT A PASTRY IN MY HAND IN TEN SECONDS, YOU’RE ALL FIRED!!! ESPECIALLY YOU, STRIPEY!“
“STRIPEY! STRIPEY!!!! GET ME A GODDAMN BURRITO!”
“STRIPEY, IF YOU SO MUCH AS LOOK ME IN THE EYES I WILL HAVE YOU SENT BACK TO PITTSBURGH OR WHATEVER MISERABLE COAL TOWN YOU CAME FROM! DO YOU HEAR ME, STRIPEY!!“
“So anyway, Jeff. How are YOU?”
What did you think about the episode? Happy with the eviction? Thoughts on Aaryn being HOH? Be sure to check out our latest Watch What Crappens: Big Brother web show here. Week 5 in review!!!
Another hilarious recap minus the fact that you insulted Pittsburgh 🙂
too true!!!!!!!!! The Burgh rocks!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
damn, was hoping you’d get that douche bag Jeff with a really good insult, like have him criticize Aaryn and the others only to be shown a clip of him being racist, homophobic and sexist.
Seriously Funny! So Creative.
Julies hair looked like a tribute to “The Help”.. maybe they could show it to the houseguests for movie night, with pie for snacks?
Years ago there was the series “Lost in Space”………Andy looks just like that kid !! Thanks for the laughs, love it! 😉
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well done BSide!