REAL HOUSEWIVES OF BEVERLY HILLS PHOTOCAP: Ojai, How Are You?

I’m back!! Thank you all for your patience while I’ve been working on other projects. They’re not totally done, but I have enough time now to write a photocap or two; so I thought I’d jump right into The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills. Admittedly, this third season hasn’t been the most exciting (the bigger story is that Real Housewives of Miami is about ten times more entertaining than both BH and Atlanta combined — who would have thought?), but sometimes with a great cast, we don’t always need fireworks every episode.

New to the cast this season has been Yolanda Foster, a flaxen beauty who’s married to music producer extraordinaire David Foster. So far Yolanda has stayed out of the drama, choosing instead to stare down any given person with icy, scary eyes. In other words: I love her so far. The season, however, is young, and while I’m impressed with Yolanda’s steely reserve, personal style, and sexy Dutch accent, I am aware that she may turn out to be an über biatch. For now though, she and Lisa have been holding down the fort in the classy department (if there can even be such a thing on Bravo, let alone the city of Beverly Hills).

Aside from Yolanda’s arrival, the other big news has been the rift between Lisa and Adrienne. It all started during the reunion when Adrienne claimed that Lisa leaked stories to Radar Online. Lisa bristled at the accusation, and the women have been on shaky ground ever since. This week, the two women attempted to mend fences (or wrought-iron gates, as it were), and surprisingly, Adrienne uttered a full apology over wine. Lisa, however, did not reciprocate. That’s okay though because Lisa doesn’t actually have anything to apologize for. The only thing I can think of is perhaps saying sorry for letting Adrienne spend a single dime on that God-awful floral arrangement that looked like a poop recreation of Sri Lanka.

Anyway, with an awkward truce brokered, the women all headed up to Ojai for a girls’ weekend. The most shocking part about this was that sweet, slurry Kim was the one who had organized the trip. Clearly whenever the words “organized” and “Kim” appear in the same sentence, something is bonkers.

Nevertheless, aside from some minor chirping about the sleeping arrangements, the Ojai trip started off just fine. The ladies all headed off to a pleasant dinner, and for once, they all acted like adults. Even Brandi and Kim hit it off — like two old crutches stashed behind a couch. That analogy was forced, and I apologize.

Well, eventually Kim began to cry because, well, that’s just what she does, and as Brandi and Kim began to have a moment, Adrienne piped up with a condescending “Somebody’s crying!” This was far less of an entertaining approach than last year’s “Uh… You’re having a mental breakdown,” and as such, Brandi immediately lashed out, telling Adrienne to SHUT THE FUCK UP. Yikes. Admittedly, Adrienne shouldn’t have been such a bitch, but I suspect she was actually trying to keep the mood light, and Kyle did have a point when she noted that the proper response should have been, “We’re having a private conversation. Please stay out of it.”

Ah, but here I am talking about manners and proper behavior. How silly of me to expect such things. I’ll just be quiet and stare judgmentally. Yup, I’m totally Yolanda-ing right now. Here’s the photocap:

“I’m sorry, Adrienne. I didn’t hear a word you said. I was too busy being RADIANT.”

“I’m not happy to see you. It’s just that Paul froze my face in this position.”

“Well, since we made up, I’ll just text Bernie to cancel the Edible Arrangement made from banana peels and feces.”

“Cheers to being friends again. Even though you DO owe me an apology.”
Lisa: “For what?”
“I dunno. THINGS.”
“What things?”
“You know… things.”
“Adrienne, just spit it out.”
“Well… if we’re being honest… I bought a new throne for my breakfast nook, and you haven’t ONCE complimented me about it. Not once!!”

Yolanda: “Welcome to my home, Kim. I hope you like it.”
Kim: “Yes, it’s wonderful and beautiful and–“
“YOU VILL NOT TOUCH A SSING!!!”

“Now that I’m sober, I’ve come to realize that I don’t just love the planes at the Van Nuys airport. I like the planes at ALL airports!!”

“Tonight, I shall make a topiary of Kim’s face.”

“I have to change my book title? How about… ‘How To Slash Your Ex’s Tires and Look Good Doing It.'”

“No… that’s no good. What about… ‘What To Do If Your Ex Cheats On You With A Country Singer Who Looks Like A Goat.'”

“‘I WILL FUCKING KILLING YOU: The Brandi Glanville Guide To Game Night.'”

“‘SHUT THE FUCK UP: Modern Etiquette For Leggy Ladies.'”

“Okay, honey. You go take your test, and I’ll go find someplace around her to do splits.”

“She’s gotta pass. I mean, they gave a license to Kim for crying out loud.”

“I hope you don’t mind me hiding my hands. I don’t want you to see my VERY WRINKLY THUMB.”

Guy: “This lip gloss will distract everyone from that raisin you call a thumb.”
“What?”
“Nothing.”

Lisa: “For the last time, Brandi your thumb looks perfectly fine. So what if it resembles Dame Maggie Smith after an hour in the hot tub?”

Brandi: “My wrinkly thumb has ruined all these photos.”
[silence]
Brandi: “This is when you’re all supposed to say I’m crazy and overreacting.”
Lisa: “I’m sorry, darling. It’s quite hideous.”

Kim: “Wow. This is a beautiful Costco.”
Adrienne: “I get my own room. And I demand a floral arrangement that looks like a turd menorah.”
Camille: “Can we talk about my hot boyfriend some more?”
Taylor: “I’m wasted.”

Lisa: “Darling, please look away. I’m trying to pee.”

“I just want to thank everyone for coming. I’m really, really happy, and I have to say Cleveland is a lot prettier than I thought it would be.”
Kyle: “Uh… Kim? We’re not in Cleveland.”
“Yeah we are. Cleveland, Ohio.”
“No. We’re in Ojai. Not Ohio.”
“Like I said: Ohio.”
“No, Ojai and Ohio are different.”
“But I thought…”
“No, Kim.”
“It’s like Maurice and Mauricio. Ojai and Ohio. Same thing.”
“No, Kim.”
“But… I can see the prairies.”
“That’s a golf course, Kim.”
“I… I get nervous.”

What did you think about the episode? How do you like the season?