The “First Ladies of Bravo” are back! Yes, The Real Housewives of Orange County aired its seventh season premiere last night, and as per the usual tradition, we had new faces (Heather Dubrow) and new faces (Gretchen Rossi). Actually, Gretchen’s face isn’t that new, but something’s going on in the mouth area, and I’m having difficulty pinpointing it. Did she have her lips done? Botox? Veneers? All of the above? Hard to say, but something ain’t the same with her Slade-slurper.

If you just grossed out by the notion of a “Slade-slurper,” I apologize. But please understand that it’s something that clearly happens. And yes, Slade is still hanging around. Gretchen loves him, which is great, but I, like Tamra, have yet to welcome him into my life (via TV). The guy gives me the heebie-jeebies, and I suspect his foray into standup comedy (as was teased at the end of the show) will hardly reverse my opinion. Poor Gretchen… she used to be so likable, but Slade continues to drag her down.

But let’s not talk about Slade. Let’s focus on Gretchen and her new ceasefire with Tamra. Yes, it seems like it’s happening at last. Tamra finally apologized for being a Grade-A C U Next Tuesday the past three years, and then after bestowing her former rival with some pink costume jewelry, Tam-Tam hugged it out and declared this a new beginning. Gretchen looked like she was ready to accept this, and thus we embarked on a new era… which may or may not last about forty-five minutes.

The new juicy rivalry in town comes courtesy of Peggy and Alexis, which all stems from the reunion when Peggy revealed that she had dated Jim back in the day. Since then, the two haven’t spoken, and now were slated to come face to plastic face at Vicki’s impending dinner party. The entire second half of the premiere seemed to be a giant setup for this confrontation, and wouldn’t you know it? Bravo saddled us with a cliffhanger. Dammit.

The real cliffhanger for me though is finding out why the hell Peggy isn’t a cast member this season? Watching her mock Jim and antagonize Alexis is a pure joy. I was all ready for this season to hinge on their new rivalry. But for some reason — Bravo fired her? Peggy quit? — Peggy is not part of the crew. Big mistake. Huge.

Taking her place is Heather, a brunette with a heart-shaped face and a tinge of Bethenny Frankel in the cheeks. Heather is a former actress who now seems to be professionally rich, what with her interest in buying two mountainside lots with the hopes of building a supersized manse overlooking the ocean. At first, she rubbed me slightly the wrong way — perhaps it was her eagerness to slide small, braggy details into conversations. However, when Tamra announced that Heather would epitomize everything a jealous Alexis would want in life, I immediatley liked Heather by default. The enemy of my enemy is my friend, yes? Even Tamra seemed to subscribe to this notion. She embraced Heather wholeheartedly, and not just because Heather is a potential client. Clearly Tamra sees in Heather a weapon (and an ally) to use against Alexis.

And how about that Alexis. Somehow, someway she found the time to tear herself away from the rigorous demands of Alexis Couture (maxi-skirts FLYING off the racks, I’m sure!) and pick up a gig as a beauty and fitness correspondent for Fox 5 in San Diego. Fox 5 — or as I like to call it Whores In The Mornin’!

Let’s be honest here: this was one of the more ridiculous news segments I’d ever seen, and we see some REAL CRAP here in LA. Alexis, wearing what appeared to be nothing more than loungewear, went on camera (at the urging of her breasty, Playboy Channel-ready producer) to interview someone named Dr. Booty about finding an appropriate exercise regimen for a woman’s specific ass shape. And in case you’re wondering, Alexis actually took the time to ponder whether or not Dr. Booty — Dr. BOOTY — actually had a PhD. For some reason, I sense Dr. Booty never quite finished his doctorate from DeVry.

Anyway, Alexis then proceeded to stutter and stumble her way through a relatively simple segment that had her spinning a wheel of ASSES while a woman in a slutty nurse outfit (replete with saucy garter belt) oversaw the activities. By the time Alexis was down on the ground, flexing her butt for Dr. Booty, the poor Fox Anchors were giving each other sidelong glances, wondering if this was truly where their career had taken them.

The answer is yes.

Lastly, we had Vicki, the grand doyenne of the Housewives. The big news with her was that she was happy AND selling the house, which begged a very serious question: will the new homeowners get to keep the prized “Caliente!” art on her kitchen countertop??? This and many more questions will hopefully be solved over the course of the next several weeks. All that matters for now is that season seven seems to be off to a much more entertaining start than season six, that’s for sure…

“New year, new boobs, new teeth: LEZZ DO THIS THANG.”

Gretchen: “Shall we order some bruschetta and ahi tuna?”
Tamra: “Hmmm… I was thinking more like meatballs and pot stickers.”
“Sorry. I forgot you like to keep it classy.”

“All this craziness, it has to end. I’ve said things, you’ve said things–“

“But mainly you’ve said things.”

“Right. We’re both to blame, really.”

“But specifically you. You are to blame.”

“I mean, I say nasty things. You say nasty things.”

“But it’s primarily you.”

“It’s both of us, really.”

“Hmmm no, it’s you.”

“So we agree. It’s both of our faults.”

“Tamra, I have to say that the idea of us ever being friends is about as ludicrous as Alexis Bellino booking an on-air job for Fox.”

“Good morning! Let’s go down to San Diego and earn that Pulitzer with Dr. Booty!”

“Okay, I think I have everything.”
Assistant: “Did you remember to set the alarm for your asshole husband who’s too lazy to set it himself?”
“I spoke to Jesus about it. He says he’s got it covered.”

Tamra: “Okay, well, here’s the plot of land. It’s really lovely.”
Heather: “Don’t fuck with me. I can buy and sell you ten times over, bitch.”

“I’m so excited to see this footage. I hear these new car cameras are REALLY flattering.”

“Hey, Alexis. Thanks for filling in today. Morley Safer is out sick.”

“Hello America. I’m Alexis Bellino, and this is a breaking story from the Porn Entertainment & Educators Network: PEEN.”

“Wow. Heather has it all: she’s smart, she wealthy, she’s pretty. WHAT A BITCH.”

Tamra: “So why did you date Jim BELLINO? I mean, that’s pretty gross, Peggy.”
“I dunno. He had toys.”
“Sex toys?”
“No. More like cocaine toys.”
“So it’s not because he has a big dick?”
“What? HA. No. He used a thimble for a condom.”

“Hey girls, this is my new attention-whore friend Sarah!”
“HIIII!!!! I’m like a Kardashian, but less talented.”

“Oh Heather! Have you been in this limo the whole time? You should have come in and had a glass of wine!”
“Aw thanks. But that would have meant socializing with you.”

“Hey everyone. I’m here! Gretchen Christine Beauté for all!”

“I can’t wait to see Alexis’s vapid little face.”

“I bet I would be really angry if I knew what ‘vapid’ meant.”

Heather: “Wow. What hideous women.”
Tamra: “Check out my HOT cameltoe! A HOT cameltoe for a HOT lady. That’s me. I’m the HOT one with the HOT pants up my HOT lady parts.”

What did you think about the premiere?

To hear my expanded thoughts on the premiere and other various Bravo subjects, listen and subscribe to the new podcast Watch What Crappens here!

35 replies on “REAL HOUSEWIVES OF OC PHOTOCAP: Orange You Glad They’re Back?”

  1. YES!!! My NEW favorite blog. OMG I was dyng laughing the entire time I was reading it. Goooood Job.

  2. you said “slade-slurper” and i threw up. that’s gross but true. i don’t know what’s going on with gretchen’s face, hard to tell it’s there beneath piles of make up. alexis is moron of the first order, katie courig? yeah, sure. okay, alexis. you can do whatever you set your mind to, including writing cursive, now practice those’s capital G’s! in her complaints about Peggy, she’s awfully dumb and petty, which is saying a lot for this crowd. the new girl’s entree into this nonsense was so contrived and ridiculous (so? who’s your crew that you hang with tamra? and by that i mean not the guy holding the camera and the other one with the mic?). whatever.

  3. So once again we have couple who are separated and/or divorced who live in the same house. Now it’s Vicki and Donn. And Vicki doesn’t want to pay spousal support to the person who was there for her for 20 years. If Vicki were a man she’d be Jim Bellino.

    Alexis doesn’t know her own home phone number – is that a result of too few brain cells or of changing their home number to avoid Stalker Peggy.?!


    1. HATE the hair extensions. They look ridiculous and the 20 lbs of make up they all wear makes everyone appear so freakin’ old. Even Gretchen is looking super beat these days. They are all very fit and attractive I just wish they would tone it down and act their ages and they might actually look pretty. Except for Alexis — she will never look pretty to me because she is horrible inside and out!

  4. Gretchen looks old & saggy. There, I said it… is it natural aging, Slade, or not having a really old dude to compare her against?

    1. She used to look naturally pretty but now she looks like one of the White Chicks from the Wayans movie.

  5. Rumor has it that Alexis dropped out of the season when it came to light that she was having (currently) having an affair with Jim Bellino. Not sure if this was on a pre-season teaser or posted somewhere else on the interwebs.

  6. Tamra must have realized how bad her edit has been and is taking the Camille route so far. I wish she would zip it and stop talking about her cooch, Eddie’s peen and sex in general. Even though she’s pretty, it’s like she’s a 13 year old boy in a California blond disguise. Nevermind that you can’t trust her at all and she’ll stab you in the back and the front.

    Alexis, oh, Alexis. Read the teleprompter, it’s all there for you. And I really want to punch Jim Bellino in the face for needing his wife to set his damn alarm clock for him, or else he won’t wake up.

    Gretchen really needs to dump that whiny, creepy, attention whore Slade. He’s a truckload of cement blocks tied around her ankles. I really hate him. I wish she would date some normal guys with money. That might bring another element into RHOTOC. Rich, available, good looking men to drool over.

    Vicki is such a bitch. I mean really, a bitch. Don was always there for her while she was at work, work, work and now she wants to just take her money and run. California doesn’t work like that you ugly, self important douchebag. I hope he gets alimony. I also love that she is making time for some other old dude, but she couldn’t find one minute to throw the bone to Don. She’s a walking bag of contradictions.

    As for Heather, I know I’m going to cringe watching her. I really wish they would find some nice, hip and non-seeyounexttuesdays for this show. Someone Lisa Vanderpump-ish. At least her husband has some money. :shrugs: Maybe they’ll get a divorce too and I’ll be all happy about that.

    Peggy, that’s too bad. I actually liked her, even though she has a face like a horse. She seems genuine and nice. She probably wants to forget all about Jim and his gross naked body. I would. Ecch. I wouldn’t even admit to f-ing him. I wouldn’t have brought up that story line at all if I was her and I’d want a brain dump to forget it completely.

    Lynn, even though she’s not on the show anymore: I saw the last show before the last reunion and it still cracks me up that she was mad that Gretchen started a hand bag line. While she’s really nice, she doesn’t corner the market on handbags. lol.

    1. California doesn’t work like that you ugly, self important douchebag

      RIGHT ON!! LOL I spit my tea right out when I read that….can’t STAND Vicki I hope Don gets half of her money.

  7. Great review as usual b-side.

    Slade slurper – loved it! Gretchen’s mouth does look different. She wears way too much make up. It almost looks like she’s a drag queen.

    Just wondering why Tamra said Simon got 90% of their assets and doesn’t pay her any support. That doesn’t seem to add up. She’s starting to look real old.

    Alexis needs to go away. The look on the anchors faces was priceless.

    Vicki will be as annoying as always this season. Poor Don.

    I will miss Peggy and I can’t believe this Heather is wasting her time with these women. It’s not like she needs the money.

    It was sad watching the reunions from past seasons as Bravo geared up for this premier. In the beginning it looked like a fun show where everyone got along. Then they all got more and more obnoxious and took themselves too seriously.

  8. I don’t see why Vicki should have to pay support. Her and Don had separate careers. They have no children together and he wasn’t a spring chicken when they married. He was only around the house a lot bc he was either unemployed (season 1) or phasin into retirement (later seasons). He should be able to have a secure future on his own.

  9. On WWHL they showed an extended clip of the Fox reporters after Alexis’s segment. The 2 anchors looked at each other, like, “is this what my career has come to”, and then the guy anchor said, “I have a master’s degree”. It was so funny.

  10. Is it the 80’s? Did I miss something? What the hell is Tamra wearing? Also, please, someone tell the woman to stop the botox and maybe condition her hair once in awhile.
    Man, what a hag she has turned into.

    Alexis…please….stay home.

    Too funny Bside…love the recaps more than the actual show.

    1. Good call on the 80s. The hair. The makeup. The nails. The clothes. Very Staten Island/Jersey looking.

  11. I guess I am one of the few (the only?) who likes Vicki. She’s become more likable each season. She is still high strung and controlling (I find it more funny than offensive i.e. her stress over her son’s bedspread lines), but she tells it like it is and doesn’t put up with other people’s bullsh*t. I don’t think she should have to pay spousal support, and she made an excellent point about the system- she didn’t get anything from her ex when she was raising two children, but now she’s supposed to support a middle-aged man?

    Tamra has turned into a Monet… beautiful from afar but those HD closeups….oh man.

    Liking Heather so far, but not the staged way she became integrated into the group.

    I assumed Dr. Booty had an MD, not a PhD, but what do I know (besides my home phone number)?

  12. Perfection!

    Anyone else notice Peggy wore that dress last season? Also I feel like they never stopped filming from last season and just dove in like it was another episiode from last season.

    I also notice the Michael Jackson lighting they are all getting now in their interviews. Bitches are looking tired!

    1. Vicki didn’t get anything from the ex because she fled the state with all his assets and his children to start a new life with her lover Donn (while still married). She’s a piece of work and deserves what she gets. She did a pre-emptive strike with Donn too by serving him at work (“so he can’t dip into their assets” because that’s what she does), saying her attorney advised her to do this. Not. She has a history of making off with all the goods. I hope Donn does get alimony and half her assets.

  13. I don’t know why, but Tamara really reminds me of a blonder, less goth Elvira Mistress of the Dark. Something about her face, hmmm.

    As for Gretchen something looks different, her upper lip sticks out a bit. I think she got some crazy new chompers that don’t quite fit her mouth. And I couldnt help but notice the entire bookcase of hair-care products by Slade in the bathroom. eek!

    Heather looks like Audrina (from The Hills) in about 20 yrs.

    Dr. Booty…sounds like a pervert who posted a Craigslist ad and someone mistakingly took him seriously. Good job, Fox 5 San Diego! That segment looked like an outdoor amateur porn shoot.

    Picturing Jim’s “toys” and minature peen…..gross. gross, gross, gross.

    Where was Donn during Vicki’s cajun party? I imagine he was locked away like Quasimoto, watching the festivities while chugging Corona and picking through a food tray Vicki slipped under the door. Poor Donn 🙁

    Oh these bitches are my favorite of all the Real Housewive shows….let the craziness begin!!!

      1. I am obsessed with all of their hair…this season seems like everyone went to Weaves R Us for those long scraggly locks. The only way to pull off super-long hair is if it looks like Kyle Richards. The 80s feathering with the exaggerated layers looks very tranny.

    1. This show bought a one-way ticket to trashland when Tamra joined the cast years ago.
      Alexis is the supidest, boringest, most vapid human being on the planet.

  14. against popular opinion, im thrilled that skeletor with extensions is gone. jim is nasty but peggy is nastier. i like alexis. shes naturally pretty, naive and harmless. tamra is green with envy and that makes my day. tamras new target is now alexis cuz she prettier. now that tamra is makin nice with gretchen means she is not threatened by her. i agree with yall on the #2 c u next tues (vicki, since tamra still holds the #1 spot) and hope that donn gets such a nice settlement in the divorce that he can retire. lastly, i like slade. there i said it. his balls r bigger than tamras n she knows it and is throwing in the towel.

  15. IMO Tamra is only making nice with Gretchen because she realized how many people called her out on her crap ever since Gretchen started on the show. It’s so odd to me how Tamra got more despicable each season. Now she’s trying to be better, but I think SHE is the one who’s ugly on the inside (I know someone else posted Alexis is, but I don’t agree – I think she’s just boring and an idiot).

    To the person who wrote: “Just wondering why Tamra said Simon got 90% of their assets and doesn’t pay her any support. That doesn’t seem to add up.”

    I think it’s because she’s a compulsive liar. It doesn’t work that way in California. First of all, I’m not sure how many “assets” they had considering they had to short-sell their home. But whatever they did have would be split 50/50 by the court.

    As for the Vicki/Don situation – I pray to the man upstairs that she does have to pay him alimony. I believe 100% that if the roles were reversed she’d certainly be seeking alimony. Good on Don. He put up with her horribleness for far too long. I hope he gets something out of it.

    And Vicki’s new man is a complete tool. They were at my husband’s work this past weekend and he walked up to my husband and said: “uh, these are the Housewives” as if that meant something to him. He doesn’t give a rat’s behind about the Housewives and certainly isn’t going to give them any special treatment. (He only knew who V was because he refers to her as that pig-face lady on that show I watch)

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