REVENGE RECAP: Another Dinner Party Goes Off Without A Hitch!

Well the shit CERTAINLY hit the fan on last night’s Revenge. To be fair, the shit always hits the fan on every episode of Revenge, which is probably why I love it so much. But last night — man, this was SERIOUS shit hitting a SERIOUS fan. As in, someone just ate three burritos and backed their bootay up to an industrial sized machine reserved solely for blowing air into Beyoncé’s locks. Am I taking this metaphor too far? Perhaps. But is it wrong that I found a way to reference Beyoncé and an allusion to diarrhea in my opening paragraph? I should say not.

But I digress. Last night’s Revenge was oh so good. Needless to say, if you haven’t caught up yet, stop what you’re doing right now because the rest of this recap will spoil a deliciously fun hour (I say that as I raise a pinky to my mouth).

For those who fear not spoilers, proceed!

I don’t even know where to begin. I suppose I could start at the beginning, which featured a nifty montage of Hamptons residents receiving invitations to Emily and Daniel’s Fire & Ice engagement party. Personally, the theme I would have chosen would have been Peaches & Cream, but oh well. Scratch that: I would have chosen no theme. Isn’t the engagement THEME enough? I suppose Victoria can thank her lucky stars that this wasn’t Clambake Part 2. Although, come to think of it, a clambake would be the perfect setting for an engagement party. To the shucking-mobile!

Anyway, the invitations must have been designed by Kevin Lee because they all arrived in ornate boxes with jewels inside. Whatever happened to card stock and an envelope? That being said, these boxes were significantly more refined than Pandora’s pink, frilly disasters that she sent out for her wedding on Real Housewives, but I digress yet again.

Everyone seemed to receive an invitation, even the poors. Yes, boring Jack Porter got his hands on Emily’s box, and of course he tossed it to the ground or dropped it or whatever (forgive me for not paying incredible attention to the world’s most boring, emo bartender), and sure enough, what did Jack see when he picked up the box? None other than a video tape that was left behind by Victoria’s henchman. Scratching your head? Let me do a little refresher:

Emily burned down Mason Treadwell’s home (Mason is the biographer who kept recordings of his interviews with David Clarke) and then framed Amanda for the crime by stashing Treadwell’s aforementioned recordings in Jack’s apartment. Victoria then sent a goon to fetch the incriminating evidence, and alas, the guy left one teeeeeny tiny tape behind.

It was this tape that Jack discovered, and since it said “Interview with Amanda Clarke” on it, he was certain this tape was what had driven his love away. YAWN.

Well, being that this is 2012 (or perhaps 2011, as this is all a flashback), Jack had no way to play back the Hi-8 tape. Enter Nolan, looking more lesbianish than ever. The lanky zillionaire volunteered to convert the tape for Jack, but Jack was all, “I’m not letting this tape out of my sight!” Ugh, shut up Jack. Everyone hates you.

Now Emily had a real dilemma. She couldn’t let Jack see the tape because otherwise he might learn something bad and wind up on Victoria’s radar. And if you’re on Victoria’s radar, that’s a bad thing. Just ask Lydia, who we must imagine is rolling around in her wheelchair in circles, trying to remember why Victoria ever gave her back that Van Gough.

I personally don’t know why Emily didn’t just roofy Jack and steal the tape, but I suppose that would have been too easy. Instead she called up Amanda (who I assumed was halfway to Oklahoma or Alaska or Tibet by now) and had her request the tape back from Jack. Yes, people. Amanda is back. I thought she was gone for good, but alas…

Anyway, Jack showed up at Amanda’s motel, and when she asked for the tape back, he refused to hand it over until she told him what was on it. Amanda wouldn’t say, and so Jack tromped off, determined to watch it to better understand why she would ever leave him. Oh geez. Did Amanda really let him slip away? Whatever happened to her powers of shhhheduction?

Time for Plan C. Emily gave Nolan direct orders to erase Jack’s tape upon receipt of it, but Nolan’s moral pendulum was once again swinging away from his buddy. Didn’t Jack have a right to see what was on the tape? Weren’t all these lies just cruel? Can’t we stop these games? Oh shut up Nolan. You’re officially awful.

Well, Jack showed up and yammered something about Nolan being a true friend after all, and since Nolan doesn’t really have any friends (on account of his awfulness at the moment — he’ll be great next week, I’m sure), he decided to defy Emily and show Jack the tape after all. On it, Jack saw a young Amanda claiming her father to be carrying on an affair with Victoria Grayon.

Victoria!!

Jack couldn’t believe it! He rushed back to shhhhAmanda’s motel and banged on her door like a lunatic, claiming that he understood things now. That bad lady Victoria would never hurt her again! Just open the door! Open the door!!!

But Amanda didn’t open the door. She just cried, so touched that there was a guy out there who loved her so much. Jack ran off into the night, and then Amanda decided she wasn’t going to listen to Emily anymore. She was done, OVER it! She wouldn’t sacrifice HER love for Emily’s plan!

In other news, Amanda is the WORST also.

So to recap: Jack, Nolan, and Amanda are THE WORST.

Declan too. It’s not that he did anything so awful this week, but he’s just perpetually the worst. I mean, the fact that he greets Victoria by saying, “Hey Mrs. G!” Seriously, are we reenacting Grease?

The whole context of the “Ayyyyyye Mrs. G!!!!!” moment came because Victoria, in an effort to bond with her BASTARD DAUGHTER Charlotte, agreed to have lunch with her and Declan. Imagine her disgust when she found out she’d be dining at the Stowaway — a tavern WITHOUT a wine list! For shame.

Then again, there’s a part of me that felt like Victoria enjoyed slumming it in Montauk. There she was — in jeans and hair pulled back, mixing it up with the hoi polloi. Must have been a refreshing change from the stiff bluebloods she was currently fighting with back at the estate.

Yes, it was bitterness as usual at the Grayson household, especially now that grandpa was in town. The always delightful William Devane showed up to give some greater context to the Grayson family fortune. Turns out that he was the one who started Grayson Global, and as he was all too happy to announce, he built the company from the ground up! Seriously, he mentioned it every five seconds.

“Hey Grandpa, pass the olives?”

“Sure. You know, olives were my favorite snack when I was building this company FROM THE GROUND UP.”

Anyway, Grandpa Grayson was very concerned about how his son’s divorce from “Vicky” (lols) would impact the company. He wasn’t going to have an ugly, bitter, public spat ruin the Grayson name, a name he’s spent decades making. Heck, he built this company FROM THE GROUND UP. Didn’t you hear?

And so the order was decreed: keep things CIVILISED or else.

As luck would have it, the Grayson gang was getting together for a dinner with gramps that night, and Victoria alerted Conrad that should he misbehave, she would reveal to Grandpa just how messy things had become. The two brokered a deal that they would act maturely and never, EVER tell Charlotte who her real father was.

Sounds like a plan!

Except Emily decided she would bring a DVD to dinner that would expose all. But wait! Then she saw Conrad telling Charlotte that he would always be there for her, and it made Emily think about fathers and loyalty and, well, this WAS her sister after all, and why should she ruin her sister? Emily decided to abort Operation: DESTROY CHARLOTTE’S LIFE, and the dinner went off without a hitch. Right?

Not so much.

Just when everyone seemed to be enjoying an absolutely LOVELY meal, in stormed Jack Porter (shockingly, without emo music playing in the background). He had things to SAY. Incensed that Victoria had driven away his long-lost love Amanda, he announced to the table that Victoria had carried on an affair with David Clarke. Vicky looked like she was ready to poop on her chair, but she composed herself long enough to utter a withering line about Jack’s active imagination.

OH RILLY? Who needs imagination when you have an incriminating video? So said Jack, who for the record seems to be getting shorter every single episode. Someone should really look into that.

Well, Jack had pulled at the yarn, and now the whole ball was unraveling. Daniel rose to his mother’s defense, announcing to the table that Jack had it all wrong. David Clarke wasn’t in love with Victoria. He RAPED her, sillies!

But then Conrad was all “HELLLL NAW.” Grandpa, you best put your earmuffs on because it’s about to get REAL up in herre.

Conrad lashed out at Victoria, reviled that she would tell her son that she was raped when in fact the only thing she had been raped by was LOVE. Daniel, being the doofus — the hot, well-dressed doofus — that he is, then said the most silly thing of all, “Charlotte doesn’t deserve to be in the middle of all this.” Well, you just put her there because as of two seconds ago, she had no idea she was in the middle of anything.

Of course Charlotte did the whole “Somebody tell me what’s happening?” thing, and Conrad dropped the bomb on her. In front of Grandpa! OY VEY!

“Meep.”

This of course knocked the wind out of Charlotte, who turned to her mother, hoping she might deny it all, but Madeleine Stowe, in yet ANOTHER award-deserving performance, simply stared at her daughter with watery eyes and dread on her face. Amazing.

And then as Charlotte stomped off to who knows where, Victoria seethed at her husband, “I WILL NEVER FORGIVE YOU FOR THIS!” which was almost as good as the time she told her therapist friend, “I WILL DESTROY YOU!”

To think — just a few hours ago she was slinging back bourbons at the Stowaway in jeans. Life was good then. Simpler. The poors really know how to keep things in perspective, don’t they?

Anyway, Conrad then reiterated that Victoria had had an ongoing affair with David Clarke, causing Daniel to deny it and be all “MOMMMM, tell him! TELL HIM!!!”

Victoria’s response? She simply rose gracefully and retired to the main house, perhaps to puke in a bathroom (or more likely, to catch up on her DVRed episodes of Wheel of Fortune).

And of course there was Emily sitting at the dinner table, enjoying this clusterfuck reaching fever pitch.

Oh, but the craziness didn’t end there. As the show came to an end, Grandpa Grayson was so furious over Conrad’s scene that he announced intentions to demote his son and groom Daniel to take over as CEO. And of course Victoria heard this entire conversation. Not sure I know what she’ll do with this information, but I’m eager to find out.

Charlotte, meanwhile, retreated to the Stowaway where she immediately turned to the bottle, which is fun. Always love the inevitable teen alcoholism storyline rearing its ugly head. Paging Marissa Cooper…

As for Emily, her awesome day of life-ruining went sour when she returned home and discovered her secret box of incriminating information — the one hidden in the floorboards — was now gone! UH OH. And in its place: an invitation stating that Emily Thorne would be attending the engagement party of EMILY THORNE.

Sounds like the work of shhhhAmanda!

WHAT WILL HAPPEN NOW?

Needless to say, it’s about time that Amanda/Real Emily gets killed. She should know better.

Nobody touches Emily’s box. (Unless you’re Daniel)

What did you think about the episode? Excited for next week when Daniel gets shot?