Let me know if you’ve heard this one before: Taylor Armstrong goes to a social event, cries, accuses everyone of not knowing what she’s going through, and then redirects her own frustrations with her marriage at another woman. It should sound familiar because it’s happened twice already on The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills, and last night, we headed into round three at the Malibu Beach House Party from Hell, as Bravo called it. Yes, it was all the big lipped, blubbering messiness that we could have asked for and then some. The only thing that was missing was, well, Kim.
Yes, Kim sadly avoided the beach party disaster, mostly because it was being hosted by her arch-rival Brandi. Inviting Kimmy to this event was the equivalent of asking her “Hey, feel like hoping into an industrial meat combine?” It should therefore be no surprise that Kim opted to stay home in Westlake Village and chomp on a dainty plate of Cheetos. Sure, I could make a joke here about the inherent white trashiness of this image, but as one who has as recently as Saturday enjoyed a private Cheetos moment, I will let Kim enjoy her snack. I do, however, question the choice to simultaneously washing white linens. Maybe it’s me, but I’m not sure I’d like Kim’s little orange paw prints speckling my sheets.
Also avoiding the party was Lisa VanderPump, who spent her portion of the episode doting on table arrangements for PANDY’s wedding. I wouldn’t call this the most fascinating segment in the world, and knowing that there’d be an epic meltdown in our future, I was halfway tempted to fast forward through all this silliness. However, the build-up is half the fun on this show, even if it does mean later watching Lisa and Ken amble through the expansions space of their restaurant. Yawn.
Other benign filler in the episode included Kyle bringing her mother-in-law to Paul for a facelift checkup. I’m not a fan of facelifts, but that being said, Paul did do a very good job on Estella, and she should be thanking her lucky stars that he didn’t destroy her natural good looks. That’s why I was immediately panicked when she demanded more filler for her face. This is how it starts, people. Paul, of course, was happy to oblige, and he promptly entered used car salesman mode as he tried to push stuff on Kyle. I respect Paul as a doctor, but I can’t help feeling like he preys on these people’s physical insecurities.
Anyway, Kyle later held an unremarkable Cinco de Mayo party (featuring The Morally Corrupt Faye Resnick), and soon it was on to Brandi’s beach house party. We knew we’d be in for a doozy when the traditional pre-drama pageantry began twenty minutes into the episode. You know what I’m talking about: any good dust-up features at least five minutes of limo discussion and arrival footage. We certainly got that in spades last night. In one limo were Camille and her crew (D.D. and another friends), and in another were Kyle and Taylor, the latter of whom began drinking right away. It only took a few seconds before Team Camille and Team Taylor began talking smack about each other. Camille reiterated that she felt terrible and just wanted to make amends. Taylor announced once again that Camille had committed the ultimate betrayal, and she wasn’t ready to forgive. This naturally would end well.
Eventually the ladies all arrived at the house where we saw Linda Thompson (a.k.a. Brody Jenner’s mom) for the first time this season as well as Celebrity Rehab’s Jennifer Gimenez. I briefly assumed the presence of a substance abuse expert might be beneficial to this group, but clearly I underestimated the degree of craziness we’d soon encounter. It made Celebrity Rehab look like a croquet game.
Well, Taylor soon walked in the door, and Camille greeted her with a big, long, perhaps phony hug. It was… awkward. Just imagine a robot embracing a giraffe. It was like that. But even stranger. And bonier.
Now, if there’s anyone who’s an expert on superficial gestures, it’s Taylor, but she was having none of this. She just stood there like a collapsed skeleton, waiting for the moment to end. Of course, we all were waiting for it to end. I wanted to crawl under a bed and make the bad memories go away.
So what to do with a bunch of skinny bitches attempting to suppress emotional undercurrents? Get ’em drunk! I’m fairly certain everyone was pretty drunk by the time Taylor and Kyle had arrived, but now they were ready to go off the deep end. Luckily there were some catered, Thai offerings nearby, but if anyone thinks these women ate more than two bites, they are sadly mistaken. This is not what I call an “eating” crowd.
Anyway, things seemed to be fun at first. As per party tradition, Kyle unleashed her inner mean girl, unnecessarily mocking Brandi’s perpetually erect nipples. Don’t get me wrong — they were very mockworthy, but leave that to us simpering bloggers. Kyle was a guest, and snickering about her host was nothing short of tacky.
We then enjoyed a brief bellydancing interlude that had Kyle doing splits for the umpteenth time this season, and then for no apparent reason things shifted. Taylor wafted outside to have a moment alone, purportedly stressed out over being in the same room as Camille. We knew shit was about to go down. Heck, Taylor seemed about two seconds away from turning to the camera and going all Grudge on us:
Anyway, the ladies summoned Taylor back into the house where she announced dramatically that she was simply NOT okay and then proceeded to discuss how and why Camille was such a bad friend (right in front of Camille). This prompted DD to talk smack about Taylor to Camille right in front of Taylor (yes, these are grown women), and then thanks to perhaps some liquid courage, DD went up to Taylor and began berating her. It wasn’t DD’s fight to pick, but I enjoyed it nonetheless. 2010 Camille: we would have said she had once again made her peons do all the dirty work. 2011 Camille: good for her for having loyal friends!
Well, DD and Taylor began bickering, and as it grew more and more heated, everyone agreed that the conversation should be had between Camille and Taylor, not DD and Taylor. “OUTSIDE!” barked Taylor at Camille, who seemed happy to oblige, but here came pitbull DD again (what is it with Camille’s redheaded friends?) who suddenly began yelling about Taylor’s tone of voice. You don’t speak to my friend that way! Shut up DD.
There was perhaps a passing millisecond when Camille and Taylor seemed poised to begin a dialogue, but that damn DD kept interceding like a pesky mosquito. Next thing we knew, all the women were out on the balcony, with Linda Thompson attempting to put everything in perspective by saying oblique comments like “The ocean will be here far longer than any of us.” It didn’t really make sense, but I appreciated her keeping her cool, and her second point was far more salient: “Don’t sweat the small stuff.” Good luck with that Linda. Your’e not allowed on the Housewives unless you specifically sweat the small stuff.
As you can imagine, it was all a total shit show, with Taylor bawling happily away. Yes, I say “happily” because even though she was sobbing, she clearly was relishing in once again being able to paint herself as the victim. Taylor was quick to pull the “You don’t know what I’ve been going through card!” again, and color me a cynic, but I think she was looking for an excuse to have this breakdown. Why else would she have initially separated herself from the pack or been so passive aggressive to talk shit about Camille directly next to her.
For once Adrienne was around to witness the disaster, and she attempted to play peacekeeper (as did Camille), but it was a fruitless endeavor. Enter Brandi, who just threw fuel on the fire by decided then to kick Taylor out of the house. It was a hilariously misguided gesture, and while she was totally entitled to do eject Ms. Armstrong, I believe that her timing could have been better. Honestly, the only way it could have been worse would have been if Brandi had said, “I’m really going to have to ask you to leave at this moment” while Taylor was mid-fart bubble during a diarrhea attack on the potty.
Too far? Never.
Well, Brandi’s request incensed Kyle, who then pulled out her Richard Finger of Rage, but no reaction was better than Taylor exasperated “Fuck YOU, Brandi,” which was admittedly the funniest moment of the night. Next thing we knew, Taylor and Brandi and Kyle were fighting while Linda Thompson sat at a harp and sang out “Blowing In The Wind.” Okay, she didn’t do that, but you just know she wanted to.
Eventually the crazies all left the house, but that didn’t mean the drama was over. Taylor proceeded to sob uncontrollably in the limo, and while I’m sure it wasn’t that funny to her, it was utterly hilarious to me. I’m not really laughing at her pain… more like the expression of her pain. Don’t act like you didn’t giggle when she responded to all of Kyle’s questions with her mouth agape like a tuna and a beat of silence, followed by inevitable wailing. Even better was that she then demanded a cigarette, yes, a cigarette to calm her nerves. It was so wonderfully cliché. I couldn’t help thinking yet again of Sally Field’s character on Soapdish bawling uncontrollably, cigarette and all.
Yup, another wonderful Housewives party disaster. Poor Dana missed out. I’m sure she would have relished the opportunity to prove her grit as a sidekick and go mano-a-mano with DD. That’s what sidekicks do — they’re there for you until the end. Always have been. Always will.
I’m sure I’ve omitted many, many great details and hilarious moments; so I apologize in advance. Feel free to talk about your favorite parts of the episode in the comments, and in the meantime, here’s the photocap:
“Oh look, PANDY! Kevin Lee has a new hair piece!”
Pandora: “I like this canape table setting. It feels extra fire hazardy!”
“I am so happy with my unnecessary plastic surgery! Now give me 30cc of Restylane and make me look like a cat.”
Paul: “You look really great for your age, Estella. I highly recommend another face lift right now. You can trust me: I have a goatee.”
Paul: “What did I say about eating ribs before seeing me?”
Estella: “I’m sorry. I was so hungry!”
Brandi: “I was thinking of having a little party — you know, get a bunch of skinny girls together on an empty stomach and ply them full of alcohol. What could go wrong?”
“I’m not going to Brandi’s party. I’m going to sit here and eat Cheetos off a plate. All classy and such. And you know what they say: the smartest thing to do when handling clean, white linens is to get Cheeto powder all over your fingers! I… I get nervous.”
“Taylor, did you get possessed by Beetlejuice again?”
Taylor: “Every time I smile at you from across the room, or we run into each other at a luncheon, or I welcome you into my home, let that smile be a reminder of just how much I despise you. And every time I hug you, that warmth you feel is my hatred burning through.”
Taylor: “Okay, seriously, can we stop hugging? This bone-on-bone action is really starting to hurt.”
Kyle: “Look at Brandi’s nips. I mean, get a grip, girl. Why she always have to show off those things? Anyway, who wants to see my vag as I do another split?”
Adrienne: “Hahaha, she’s such a stupid, clumsy BITCH!”
“You like my nips? Hahahhaha I WILL KILL YOU.”
Adrienne: “You’re having a nervous breakdown again.”
“No. Your hair is doing the nervous breakdown thing.”
“It gets all flat and crazy looking.”
“I don’t know what you’re talking about, Adrienne. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to throw up this food in that giant vase over there.”
D.D.: “So, listen. The guy in the pink is totally checking you out. You gotta lock that down, Armstrong.”
Ken: “Aren’t you glad you didn’t go to that party in Malibu?”
“You’re not getting a blowjob, Ken.”
Taylor: “Why is Allison DuBois here?”
Camille: “I just feel like the euro zone must be redrawn and re-established with a structure that is politically and economically sound… as if Merkel would ever agree to such paradigm-rattling measures – HA!”
“What are these words you say?”
“Listen, to me, DD. I am a MESS. Okay? Yesterday, I lashed out at a pebble I found on a footstool. DON’T TAKE IT PERSONALLY.”
“SHE DOESN’T KNOW WHAT I’VE BEEN THROUGH!!!”
“What have you been through?”
“YOU DON’T KNOW!!!”
“That’s why we’re asking.”
“I’VE BEEN THROUGH HELL!!!”
“Are you abused or something?”
“GASP! HOW COULD YOU SAY WHAT I’VE BEEN HEAVILY IMPLYING???”
“And you! AND YOU! How could you even be so CRUEL as to spoil THE MUPPETS for me!”
Brandi: “I think you should leave, Taylor.”
“Oh go FUCK YOURSELF, BRANDI!”
D.D. “I’m dressed like an egg yolk!”
Linda: “Guys, guys. The ocean will be here far longer than any of us.”
Taylor: “I don’t care. I HATE THE OCEAN!!!”
“But the ocean doesn’t hate you.”
“Linda, please, I beg of you, if you can’t be my friend, please don’t be my ocean enemy.”
“Ugh. Screw this. I’m gonna go hang out with my hot son Brody. I’m a COOL mom!”
Taylor: “Dave Coulier is a FINE MAN AND AN AMERICAN HERO!”
Kyle: “He’s actually Canadian.”
“I DON’T CARE! YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT I’VE BEEN THROUGH!”
Adrienne: “TAYLOR, YOU ARE MAKING ME YELL, AND I’M UNCOMFORTABLE WITH THAT!”
Linda: “I think this is great. We’re really expressing ourselves and–“
Taylor: “EXPRESS MY ASS, LINDA. AND GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY FACE, YOU SLUT PIG BRANDI.”
D.D.: “I said all that because I love you, Camille! I will never let anyone say those things about you!”
Camille: “Naturally. Or else I’d evict you.”
Taylor: “I’m… so… happy [sob sob].”
What did you think about the episode?