I’m baaaack! Sorry everyone that I disappeared for a week. Two non-blogging projects wound up in my lap, and long story short, I really had no time for blogging (let alone several other vital aspects of my life like working out, three meals a deal, and on occasion hygiene). Luckily, my personal bottleneck of activity has passed, which means I can get back to doing what I do best: writing withering comments about people I don’t know. MEOW. Wait, did I just meow myself? Clearly I’m a little rusty.
Anyway, let’s hop in the time machine and go back seven days to the most recent Real Housewives of Beverly Hills, which presented us with the creepy season debut of Russell Armstrong as well as the extravagant engagement party for Pandora held by gazillionaire Mohamed. It was all sort of crazy and over-the-top and… okay, let’s skip this all and get to the real buzzworthy part of the episode.
WHO IS HE?
I’m talking, of course, about Kim’s secret boyfriend Ken, who made a glamourous splash late in the episode. I don’t really like to rail on people’s physical qualities (especially those that can’t be changed), and I think it would be disingenuous of me to mock Ken based purely on his appearance when I’ve taken Kyle Richards to task for being similarly judgmental of people like Brandi… but… let’s just say that Ken is… well… his face has a lot of character. And by character, I’m specifically referencing the likes of Gargamel. Or perhaps an Angry Bird. Or maybe even some bastard love child spawned by Gargamel AND an Angry Bird. The point is that I’m sure Ken is a lovely guy, but when it comes to looks, I think we’ll just keep our eyes trained on Mauricio.
Speaking of Mauricio, he clearly gets a large chunk of his good looks from his mother, who not only is beautiful but seems to be aging quite gracefully. I remember being rather disgusted by Adrienne’s husband Paul when he recommended she get a little nip and tuck last season — why would he meddle with a woman who has a wonderfully natural beauty?
Well, unfortunately his words must have crept into Estella’s head because she now felt the allure of plastic surgery. Yes, Estella decided to get a face lift, which meant she could no longer be a beacon of sanity amongst all these youth-obsessed ladies. Thank goodness for Kyle, who expressed a certain level of disdain for this choice. At the end of the day, this is why we still like Kyle. Even when she acts like a heinous monster at Game Night, she still has flashes of striking sanity that keeps her grounded and relatable (her offhand comment about shopping at Target a few episodes ago is another example).
Nevertheless, Estella went through with the procedure, and the good news is that a quick browse through the Estella facelift gallery on Bravo.com reveals that it actually turned out quite well. Still, the principle. THE PRINCIPLE.
Anyway, there was other stuff this episode, but I was pretty much drunk from Halloween when I saw it; so… let’s just move on to the pics…
Taylor: “This is the first food I’ve eaten since Game Night when I had that crumb.”
Dana: “This cake is AWESOME. Like, whatever cake you like best, Taylor, I’m going to support you. That’s what we’re all about. Always have been.”
“What are you talking about?”
“What I’m talking about is taking this cake and just GOING somewhere. Let’s… let’s go to Hawaii. Remember when we were little girls we were always like, ‘Let’s go to Hawaii?’ Let’s just DO it. That’s what we’re about. Always have been.”
“I just met you.”
“You’re so funny. I love that about you. Between you, me, and the fork, there’s a lot of fun going on here.”
“Yeah. It’s Fendi. Don’t you love it?”
“A Fendi fork?”
“$25,000. Fendi. Awesome.”
“Oh my gosh. You’re growing old gracefully. How HIDEOUS.”
Paul: “Okay, so what we’re going to do here is turn you into Pikachu.”
“Mauricio, please stop. I told you I didn’t want you to regurgitate into my mouth anymore.”
“Hullo. I’d like to order a lorry’s worth of scones and Yorkshire puds. Also, be sure to include a bushel of clotted cream. You know, the good stuff from Crudgington Telford Shropshire. Cheers.”
“Why has no one commented on my see-thru shirt?”
“Oh look! Danielle Staub came too!”
“I feel like I’m really connecting here. Some sort of cosmic thing is happening. This is like the Allison Du Bois of camels.”
Camel: “Did I tell you about this time some bitch named LuAnn tried to ride me in Morocco? I threw her nasty slut face off my back so quick, girl. Real talk.”
“Holy crap. It’s Brandi. Oh wait. It’s just a camel. HAHAHAHAHA. Did I just call Brandi a camel? NO. I would NEVER say that. You guys are all delusional.”
Adrienne: “This necklace is BEAUTIFUL. Can we put a hair tassel on it?”
“Anyone want to get nasty with a mermaid? I’ve got gadgets and gizmos a-plenty. I’ve got whozits and whatzits galore. You want thingamabobs? I’ve got twenty!!”
Camille: “Kelsey never got ME a mermaid.”
Mohamed’s Fiance: “I like kaleidescopes.”
“Lisa, I’m great. Really. Wonderful. Everything is fine. No problems here. I HATE YOUR GUTS. Everything’s great!!”
“I like to call my husband ‘Daddy.'”
Kyle: “UGH. People who are not me are THE WORST.”
Taylor: “I’m pleasantly shutting down emotionally.”
Taylor: “Good point, Adrienne! Hahahhahaa I’M SO HUNGRY.”
“I really can’t wait for people to meet you. You make me feel so calm, especially when the power goes out, and I can’t do my hair, and it’s just… I want to see those planes because you know how I LOVE those planes, but whenever I go to my fridge, it’s like a cactus, you know. Or a piranha. And you know what they say about tulips: don’t get them near the oven! Haha… I… I get nervous.”
“Kissing in public? You’re making me feel like that SLUT PIG Brandi. SHE’S A GODDAMN BITCH. Hahaha I.. I get nervous…”
“Oh dear. Kyle’s doing splits on the table again. But yes, it’s Brandi who’s the inappropriate one.”
“I do wish Kim were here. I love that batty drunkard.”
“I wonder where Kim is anyway? Hopefully she’s found some strapping man to sweep her off her feet.”
“Prince Charming, at your service!”
“Do you ever have the compulsion to just HURL yourself at structures, especially ones that have little green pigs in them?”
What did you think about this episode? Thoughts on Kim’s new man?