Survivor is one hell of a wacky show. I’m not going to spoil what happened on last night’s episode in this first paragraph, but needless to say, after twenty-two and a half seasons, this ol’ reality dinosaur still can produce a watercooler moment like none other. You gotta give credit to the franchise — it’s as fresh and exciting as it’s ever been.
And I mean that in the most sincerest of ways, especially after last night’s evangelical hour that saw multiple castaways praising God, having religious visions, and more or less honing their spirituality for a greater cause (namely, $1 million). TESTIFY!
The big news of the week was that Ozzy decided now would be the right time to make his traditional boneheaded move of the game. He wanted to sacrifice himself to Redemption Island, the thought being that he could easily defeat Christine and return to the game, leaving his tribe equal in numbers with Coach’s team. Here are the inherent flaws to this ridiculous strategy:
a) It’s never smart to put yourself in harm’s way based solely on an assumption (see Lawon, Big Brother 13).
b) There’s no guarantee that the tribes will be merging after the next Redemption Island duel.
c) Even if the tribes do merge, there’s no guarantee that Ozzy will live to see it given that the duels tend to be a mix of puzzles, physical ability, and plain old luck.
d) Why did everyone assume that Christine would rejoin her old tribe? If any of these knuckleheads had been listening to her bitter screeds against her old tribe, they’d know she would never be loyal to them again.
e) It’s just a silly, silly plan.
Nevertheless, Ozzy felt this was his chance to make a big move (who cares about big moves?) and should it backfire, he could leave on his own terms (what good is that??). This all played well in Cochran’s favor, especially after he royally bungled the immunity challenge midway through the episode. It looked like it would be curtains for him, and quite frankly, I was a bit perturbed that he didn’t even try to campaign for himself. I guess he didn’t have to though after Ozzy began his righteous campaign. Sure enough, the tribe voted out Ozzy, and now we have to wait one long, long week to find out if this massive gamble will be the “iconic” move he predicts it will be. Personally, I’m rooting for Christine to get her much deserved vengeance.
Meanwhile, on Coach’s team, things took a turn for the sanctimonious as everyone suddenly turned into a religious zealot, it seemed. It all began when Coach had the realization that he needed to share the existence of the idol with the rest of the tribe so they could feel empowered when they reach the merge. However, he cleverly decided he wouldn’t just reveal the thing, lest that cause resentment. Instead, he spearheaded a search for the idol, preceded by a hand-holding prayer circle in which Coach requested that Jesus help them find the idol (which he had in his back pocket). It was all so Machiavellian and conniving that I couldn’t help but love it all; however, the later religious outbursts (particularly during the competition) felt obnoxiously insincere.
Truth be told, the whole prayer circle seemed like an elaborate ruse for the sake of Brandon, the loose cannon of the crew. Had he realized that Coach had the idol, he would have gone berserk. At least with the praying, Brandon can believe that a higher power really is looking out for him. Heck, he even boasted to us about having God on their side in the game. (Not sure God takes sides, and I feel somewhat unsettled by the notion that Brandon thinks there are “sides” when it comes to a higher power, but that’s neither here nor there).
Ultimately, I couldn’t help but wonder what Russell must be thinking of his naive nephew getting played for a total fool on national TV. I wouldn’t be surprised if Brandon gets screwed over at some point, and Russell returns next season to fight for his honor. We can only dream….
“You know, if I don’t win Redemption Island, that’s okay. I have a promising and prestigious career as a lingerie football player ahead of me.”
“UGGGGH. I left my Taylor Dayne CDs at my friend Cathy’s place!!”
“Hey, so… I think it’s time for me to make a big, dumb move.”
“I am not worthy, Father. And I apologize in advance to the cameraman who has to smell my stinky pits.”
Brandon: “Dear Jesus, give me the strength to treat my fellow tribe members with honesty and integrity, even that whore Edna. DAMMIT. Dear Jesus. I apologize for that.”
Edna: “Dear Lord, please help me find my homemade visor.”
Brandon: “Woohoooo!!! Chick Fil-A just opened on the beach!”
Sophie: “Should we tell him it’s just a rock with a crab on it?”
“My uncle Russell sullied the family name with his evil ways. But I am proud to have merely turned the Hantz name into a joke.”
Dawn: “Let me break this down for you, Jeff. Ozzie looks like a warrior. I look like a kitty cat. Thanks, KEITH.”
“Everything on our tribe has been great; although, someone’s been hoarding the sunblock, and we don’t know who it is.”
Brandon: “I hope today, with my painted on brassiere, I am able to restore honor and dignity to the Hantz name.”
“We actually aren’t getting tans from the sun but from the presence of Cochran.”
Sophie: “Um, guys, I’m still blindfolded.”
“GOD IS BLIND. PRAY, GODDAMMIT!”
“Dear God, thank you for randomly turning us all into evangelicals.”
“Does anyone have any Doritos? Major craving here. No? That’s chill.”
“Cochran, if you go into Redemption, you can totally win. You just have to believe in yourself! You can do it!!!”
Cochran: “I don’t know guys.”
“Believe in yourself!!! You can destroy Christine!!!”
Ozzy: “It’s okay. I’ll go instead.”
“Ooooh. I don’t know. Seems risky.”
Cochran: “So you’re implying that I can certainly beat Christine if I just believe in myself, but Ozzy, who DOES believe in himself, might lose to her?”
Cochran: “And furthermore, that implies that you actually think I’m a better competitor than Ozzy. That’s what your logic dictates.”
“No… it’s just that… you’re… well… hey, is that a coconut over there? Let’s go look at it!”
“Yeah! Let’s go!! Bye, Cochran!”
Ozzy: “Hey Jeff. I’m ready to be an idiot now.”
“So you want to willingly send yourself to Redemption Island, based on the assumption that a) we’re going to merge soon, b) you can win, and c) it’s an actual island.”
“Wait a second… is Ozzy really doing this?”
“Ozzy, you are officially an idiot.”
What did you think about Ozzy’s move?