RACHEL ZOE PHOTOCAP: Doulas, Kardashians, and Vegas

Like LITERALLY I’m starting to enjoy this season of The Rachel Zoe Project. It was a bit slow at first and entirely too Rodger-centric, but now that professional hanger-on Joey has moved back to LA, we’re witnessing a wonderful power struggle between the gays. Basically, we have Joey, who is quietly catty, territorial, and shifty, and we have Jeremiah, who is wide-eyed, eager, and more or less the beacon of GOOD. He’s like some gay male hybrid of a fluffy bunny and Snow White. More or less.

Nevertheless, with Joey in town, the two gays must battle it out to be Rachel’s favorite. Joey has a distinct advantage in that he already IS Rachel’s fave and clearly knows the best way to kiss her ass. Jeremiah, however, must endure countless condescending remarks, such as when he pulled two leopard-print shoes for a Kim Kardashian shoot, causing Joey to respond, “I don’t know if leopard is part of the story, but we can take them.” In this brewing war of the puffy hair, I can already tell you whose side I’m on…

As for the rest of the episode, Rodger bitched and moaned more than usual (and then had the balls to announce that he’d be going off to Vegas for a weekend), and Rachel visited a doula, resulting in more of the aforementioned bitching and moaning from Rodger. Oh, and there was a photo shoot with Kim Kardashian. So that was fun.

On to the photocap!

“Oh my God. I’m so happy. I have breasts.”
Joey: “I find the energy around you to be totally fascinating!”
“Is it because of my breasts?”
“I think so! You’re so happy! You’re, like, floating on cloud nine!”
“Why am I floating in the clouds?”
“Not LITERALLY, Rach!”
“I am LITERALLY not LITERALLY floating in the clouds.”
“Exactly.”
“What am I doing in the clouds?”
“Nothing!”
“Am I dead? Am I a dead angel?”
“Angels are already dead.”
“Oh my God. I’m an angel ghost.”
“No, you’re not.”
“Boo. La la.”
“What was that?”
“I was scaring you because I’m a ghost. But also singing nicely because I’m an angel.”
“Oh my God. Maybe you really are a ghost angel.”
“I have an invisible harp.”
“Are you carrying an angel baby?”
“Unclear.”
“I think you are.”
“Like, I think my baby might just be a cloud.”
“Really?”
“Yeah. Like, I’m going to give birth to a cloud with a smiley face on it.”
“Are you going to let your baby out of your vagina?”
“No.”
“Why not?”
“I don’t want my baby to leave me. It’s staying in me. I’ve decorated my womb with Missoni for Target.”
“Jel.”

“Just so you know, if Kim Kardashian expresses any interest, I’m totally bailing to be her sidekick instead.”

Rodger: “You have two weeks to decorate this home. If it’s not done in two weeks, then I will do nothing but bitch and complain. Well, I do that anyway; so I guess that’s an empty threat.”

“Mandana, I am so thirsty.”
“I’m not Mandana.”
“Who are you?”
“Marissa.”
“Where’s Mandana?”
“I don’t know.”
“Oh.”
“Anyway–“
“Oh look. I just got a text from Mandana.”
“What does she say?”
“I don’t know. I’m too thirsty to read.”
“Why are you so thirsty?”
“My little man drinks all my water and leaves nothing for me.”
“Maybe you should drink more.”
“No. He steals all my water.”
“How much water do you drink a day?”
“Three teaspoons.”
“That’s not enough.”
“I’m teaching my little man portion control.”
“You need more water, Rachel.”
“No. My little man steals it. We’re in a fight.”
“If you don’t have water, you’ll die.”
“Oh my God. Water is SHUTTING. IT. DOWN right now.”
“It’s super important.”
“I want water to have a red carpet moment.”
“I guess?”
“Call Demi. I want to do a photoshoot with Demi, a giraffe, some McQueen platforms, and water. Oh my God. I die.”

“I want the house to be, like, French Modern. Like, I want it to look like this casual worker house who goes out with her friends and has a definite bohemian sophisticated look, but at the same time she’s Parisian and doesn’t quite know her style; so she’s a little bit into chunky items but also flowing fabrics and feathers. Oh, and I want a room that looks like M&Ms.”

Joey: “Rachel, will you remind everyone how great I am?”
Rachel: “You are my precious jewel.”
Jeremiah: “And what about me?”
“I don’t know who you are.”

Joey: “Do you like these shoes?”
Jeremiah: “Yeah, they’re nice.”
“Great. So we WON’T pull them then. Thanks!”

“Rodge, you’re not going to Vegas.”
“I need to, Rach.”
“I’m, like, LITERALLY pregnant.”
“I know, but I’ve been cranky. I need to go.”
“This idea is literally ba-na-nas.”
“It’ll be great for both of us.”
“Where are you staying?”
“Mandalay Bay, I think.”
“How big is the bay?”
“It’s not an actual bay.”
“Did you rent a boat?”
“No. It’s just a hotel name.”
“Ask the Bing if you need a life preserver.”
“There will be no swimming.”
“Are there sharks in the bay?”
“No sharks.”
“I want to go whale watching in the bay.”
“Rach, we are going to a hotel in the middle of the desert.”
“Why isn’t it called Mandalay Desert?”
“Because they decided to call it Mandalay Bay.”
“Is it French Modern?”
“No, it’s just a casino.”
“Will there be a doula?”
“I don’t think so.”
“I want to name our baby ‘Doula.'”
“What? Why?”
“If you get to go to Vegas, I get to name the baby.”
“That’s absurd.”
“I’m naming the little man Doula. And when he grows up, you know what he’s going to be?”
“A stylist?”
“No. A doula.”
“Guys can’t be doulas.”
“But they repealed Don’t Ask Don’t Tell.”
“That has nothing to do with it.”
“Man-doulas are major.”
“So you want to have a man-doula named Doula to be our son.”
“Yes.”
“I cannot agree to this.”
“And I want our man-doula’s middle name to be Mandana.”
“Mandana?”
“Yes. Except it will be pronounced Man-Doula.”
“Rach–“
“Man-Doula. Like the bay.”
“That’s Mandalay.”
“Promise me that when you take Doula Man-Doula to the Man-Doula Bay that you’ll make him wear sun screen.”
“Of course.”
“You’re my precious jewel, Rodge.”

“Look at my man cleavage. LOOK AT IT.”

Joey: “I DIE for Kim Kardashian. Die.”
Rachel: “I die for some peanut butter.”
“It’s so weird to see you hungry.”
“It’s literally ba-na-nas.”
“Rach, I’m really fascinated by this hungry energy you have.”
“It’s like someone took my old energy, wrapped it in Givenchy, and told it to go live in a French Modern home for nine months.”
“Your energy is so major.”
“I like my energy when it’s relaxing in a faded white t-shirt over a pretty bra with a sweatshirt hanging off of one shoulder.”
“Your energy has a shoulder?”
“Unclear.”
“We should find a red dress for your energy to wear on Valentine’s Day.”
“I wonder if my energy wears leopard print.”
“Um, I don’t know if leopard is part of the story, but we can pull it.”
“I want my energy to have a Chanel moment.”
“Your energy is beyond. BEYOND.”

“Hi, I’m a professional gay sidekick. Do you have an openings in your fame?”

Rachel: “Oh my God. Kim. You look like an Armenian princess. I want to LITERALLY roll you up in lavash bread and dip you in, like, the most amazing hummus that Demi just bought me.”

Joey: “Does Jeremiah open doors for you? I don’t think so. I’m your best gay. ME.”

Rodger: “I don’t understand why we need a doula. To me, this is just a big scam.”
Rachel: “Hey Rodge. You’re being rude.”
“I’m not rude. I’m just cranky! I’m very cranky!”
“Rodge. You need to dial it down.”
“I can’t. We’re wasting our time here.”
“Literally, I’m the pregnant one, and you’re more hormonal than I am.”
“Rachel, I–“
“Oh my God. I just want to tie a Missoni for Target gag around your mouth right now.”
“Rach–“
“Like, LITERALLY, you need to be quiet. Like, I feel my head about to explode.”
“You’re being dramatic.”
“Where is Mandana? Tell her my head is going to explode.”
“I don’t know where Mandana is.”
“Before my head explodes, I want Mandana to know that she’s my precious jewel.”
“Okay, your head is not going to literally explode.”
“LITERALLY. It will explode.”
“No, Rachel.”
“LITERALLY EXPLODE. There’s a countdown. And I just tried to cut the red wire, but now the countdown is going faster. Like, oh my God. The terrorists have won.”
“Rachel, you need to focus.”
“Rodge. Am I in the Hurt Locker?”
“No.”
“I want you to run. When my head explodes, we’ll all die. Run, Rodger. You too Pammy.”
“Rachel, can we get back on track here?”
“I need a little robot to come deactivate my bomb head. Ask the Bing for a robot.”
“Rachel–“
“You know what I’m going to name the robot?”
“What?”
“Robot.”
“Oh.”
“Robot is my precious jewel.”

“Oh my God. I can’t get dressed anymore. I’m sorry that I look like a black swan hooker tramp, but I just can’t dress myself anymore. Literally, I can’t. This is what I’m wearing. I don’t care where we’re going. This is what I’m wearing. I can’t. I can’t.”

“Rodge, I just want this baby to appear. I’m sick of pregnancy. I just want it to, like, literally materialize in front of me.”
“Well, that’s not going to happen.”
“Why not?”
“Babies don’t just appear.”
“What about babies of the future?”
“Huh?”
“Like, in the future, will babies just be teleported out of my womb?”
“I don’t think so.”
Pam: “Rachel, I think you should really start focusing on the labor process. You need to watch some videos.”
“Oh my god. Pammy. If I start watching videos, I will LITERALLY stop giving birth. Like, my little man will never leave me.”
Rodge: “You’re being dramatic.”
“I literally can’t watch videos. I don’t know what I can’t do more: watch videos or dress myself.”
“You can do both.”
“No. I can’t. I can’t do anything. I’m paralyzed. Oh my God. I can’t feel my legs.”
Rodger: “I just saw you move them.”
“They moved on their own. Maybe they’re possessed. Oh my God. I have ghost legs.”
“I don’t think so.”
“My legs are two ghosts. They want a Pac-Man. Rodge, feed my legs a Pac Man.”
“Rachel…”
“What if our son is a Pac-Man. My legs will try to eat him. Rodge, I’m scared.”
“We’re not giving birth to Pac Man.”
“I want our Pac Man to have a red carpet moment.”
“He will.”
“We can style the Pac Man in Givenchy. I love me a Pac Man in Givenchy.”
“You know, I’m starting to think this whole baby thing was a huge mistake.”

What did you think about the episode?