There was a lot of stupidity on display Sunday night with the latest episode of The Real Housewives of NJ. Most of it came courtesy of the series’ two biggest idiots: Teresa and Ashley, who are vying to be the most hideous creatures currently on Bravo (at least until Larsa Pippen returns to the airwaves). The episode was happily bookended with Ashley’s inanity. First, we began where we left off last week at a random restaurant which had become Ground Zero for Operation: Ashley Intervention. I can assure you that things did not go much better in the second half than they did in the first. Ashley’s dad brought her downstairs to apologize to Jacqueline, who was in no mood to hear it. She spewed hostile attacks at her daughter — the kind of things a mother should really never say to a daughter (hence, the roots of Ashley’s current awful state) — and Ashley did her weird smile-cry, which is just as unsettling as all her bratty behavior (and silly hats).
Eventually the entire clash ended on an unresolved note, with Ashley’s dad pleading for her in vain to just show her mom respect. Way to put your foot down, DAD.
Later, Ashley met up with Lauren Manzo, who seems to be happily inheriting her mother’s no-bullshit attitude. She’s also, however, inheriting some sort of weird, fussy, mama’s girl attitude, which has resulted in her having no social life beyond tagging along with Caroline to assorted events at Kathy, Melissa, and Teresa’s houses. Nevertheless, Lauren — as you may remember — will be launching her cosmetics empires shortly (FACE by Lauren Manzo, to be sold exclusively at CHATEAU: The Art of Beauty), and as such, she has commissioned some promotional t-shirt ideas from Ashley. Well, Ashley showed up all happy to display her ideas. One problem: she had nothing to display and no ideas. Way to come prepared to the meeting, kid.
Ultimately, it appeared as though Lauren actually fired Ashley from the gig; although, it wasn’t entirely clear. All I do know is that if the lil’ Manzo wishes to succeed at anything at life, she can’t have the hat-wearing-ballast that is Ashley tied to her balloon.
The focus of the show then shifted to Teresa, who along with Joe met with an attorney to hear the latest legal news. First, the good: all charges against Teresa had been dropped. Now, the bad: Joe owed $260,000 to his former business partner. Not so swell. And yet, if you’d hear Teresa spin it, you’d think they’d won the case and thirty million dollars in damages. Yes, in classic Teresa fashion, she glossed over the MAJOR DEBT OWED by literally saying that they had pretty much won. I’m not sure Joe, who amusingly sipped from the daintiest espresso cup, was as optimistic. He looked about as happy as Kim D, should one of her hair fangs be accidentally amputated.
Nevertheless, the reason for the judgment against Joe was because he — oops — forged his partner’s signature on a contract. Wait, what?? Teresa just brushed it off as if it were as normal an offense as stealing a pen from the office supply closet, but no, my lady, that is a SERIOUS issue. Joe claimed his partner was aware, but if that were true, it just makes him more of an idiot to think that it’s GOOD BUSINESS to forge your partner’s John Hancock. Of course, if the partner truly didn’t know, then Joe continues to be an idiot for engaging in forgery. Nevertheless, just the way he brushed off his drunk driving as “falling asleep at the wheel and then doing five shots of whiskey immediately afterwards to calm down,” I have dubious impressions of this situation.
But of course Teresa continued to warp it into some example of her and her husband being morally superior. In her eyes, they were being punished for telling “the truth,” as in — Joe confessed to the forgery, and now they were being punished. I’m sorry, but that gambit really only works when you don’t do something HIGHLY ILLEGAL first.
Well, Teresa brought her blockhead to Kathy’s place where an Inner Goddess party was taking place. Teresa was immediately aghast that there were no half-naked waiters feeding her grapes and derided Kathy for her inability to throw a grand (a.k.a. tacky beyond comprehension) fête. She then tried some of Kathy’s Middle Eastern dishes and promptly gagged and mocked what she perceived to be nasty food (although, I think we can all agree that everything looked and probably tasted delicious). The point is that Teresa is an idiot with no taste, no manners, and no shame.
Later, Teresa tried to one-up Kathy’s catering business by announcing that she and Joe were opening a restaurant, but Kathy quietly managed to get the last word when she dismissed it as merely an upscale pizzeria. Clearly, the editors like Kathy more than Teresa. Why else would they leave in Teresa’s Jewish comment.
As Teresa talked to us about the financial strife she and Joe were facing and his lies and deception, she noted that all her “Jewish friends” wanted her to get a divorce, but because SHE believes in loyalty and marriage, she’s sticking by her man.
If there was ever a Scooby-Do Ruh-Roh! moment on this show, this was it. Did we just hear that right? Is Teresa anti-Semitic? It certainly was so bonkers that I couldn’t help laugh, and unfortunately we’re going to have to sit through another middling defense of hers during the reunion wherein she discusses how much she loves the Jews (think Gaylordgate all over again). Nevertheless, Teresa’s implications were prettttttty offensive and did nothing to improve my already low opinion of her.
Anyway, as the hour came to an end, the episode circled back to Jacqueline and Ashley, who once again fought like two school children, leaving poor Chris in the middle to mediate. Ashley actually had the nerve to say the move to LA was her mom’s plan (um, I believe it also involved a little something called COLLEGE), and soon all hell broke out. It was actually pretty wretched to watch. Eventually, Chris cornered Ashley in her room, and while I was hoping he’d finally just scream at her, he did the next best thing: he kicked her out of the house. Yesssssssssssssss….
I guess we’ll see what really happens next week….
“It’s like my mom doesn’t even KNOW how hard it is to be an idiot like me.”
“I don’t want that BRAT near me. She’s always ‘The Economist this’ and ‘Maureen Dowd THAT.'”
“Ashley, I am a GOOD mother! That’s why I belittle you, call you a brat, and confront you on national TV!”
“It’s not my fault that my smile and my frown look exactly the same.”
“I think it’s time for me to join a jazz ensemble.”
“If you don’t have your t-shirt done for my party, Ash, I’m going to be embarrassed in front of all my friends. And by ‘all my friends,’ I mean… my mom.”
“Omg, I can’t wait to show you my designs.”
“Okay. So where are they?”
“Like, on a napkin I threw out last night.”
“And this is supposed to help me how?”
“IT’S SO HARD. I WANT TO MOVE TO LA.”
Joe: “I don’t see what I did wrong. So I forged a signature. That’s not a crime.”
Lawyer: “Actually, it is.”
“C’mon. It’s business.”
“Even MORE reason why you shouldn’t forge a signature.”
Teresa: “It just goes to show: YOU SHOULD NEVER TELL THE TRUTH (about your illegal lies).”
Lawyer: “I think the takeaway is that you shouldn’t break the law.”
Teresa: “BUT LOOK HOW GOOD WE ARE: WE TOLD THE TRUTH about our crimes.”
Lawyer: “Not sure that’s a spin I’d put on it.”
Teresa: “Well, at least the charges against me are dropped. WE WON THE CASE!!!! (except for the $260,000 judgment against us).”
“I want to do an Inner Goddess party, but if Teresa’s coming, I guess we can change the theme to Inner Goddess / SLUT IDIOT.”
“I’d like to note that these dishes are favorites of the Na’vi people.”
“Tell me: have you ever been attracted to an older woman?”
“I guess one might call Ashley a ‘difficult child’ with ’emotional problems’ stemming from ‘bad parenting’ from me who is allegedly ‘too sarcastic.'”
“I love this food! Almost as much as I HATE my daughter! Hahahahaha!!!!”
Caroline: “Um, Lauren, don’t you have any friends you should be hanging out with instead?”
“Kathy, your food SUCKS. What’s with all the cummmmin and the weird ingredientses? And where are the naked waiters? I mean… you call this a classy party? Very Jewish if you ask me.”
“Also, Melissa is a bitch. That’s what all my Jewish friends tell me.”
“I may be a bitch, but I’m a bitch with great hair. HAAAAAY!!!!”
Suddenly and without warning, Jacqueline communes with all the dolphins in the seas.
“OMG I JUST REALIZED: ASHLEY WANTS TO MOVE OUT!!! WHY HAVE I BEEN SO RESISTANT??”
“So, Ashley, what’s your plan, you WHORE?”
“Please, Lord, give me the strength to not punch Ashley in her face, which is not a hard target, I’d like to add.”
“Time out. What does the word ‘kaleidescope’ mean?”
“Whatever mom. I’m just gonna keep texting my friends. UGH, this would be so much easier if I knew how to read.”
“ASHLEY, YOU HAVE THE WORST MANNERS. OUT OF MY HOUSE!”
“And before you leave, remember one thing: never wear a zebra-leopard print hybrid. It makes you look extra tragic.”
“MOM, I already told you what my plan in LA is!!! I’m going to sit in a diner and get discovered by Steven Spielberg!”
“Little do my parents realize that I’ve already been offered the opportunity of a lifetime in Los Angeles. That’s right, the Sizzler on Highland wants me to be a greeter.”
What did you think about the episode?