And the power shifts once again. The two alliances on Big Brother 13 continued their rather civil war last night as Team Kalia-Dani-Porsche (a.k.a KDP, which sounds like Katy P, which makes me think of Katy Perry — oh gosh, I’m doing too many Jordan captions) found themselves back on the bottom of the totem pole as the Vets + 1 (Shelly) regained control of the house. It’s been a rather great series of ups and downs for both sides of the house; so it’s a little curious as to why there seems to be very little tension these days. Usually, when there’s a house divided, we’ve had at least five screaming matches by now, but for the second season in a row, the casting department kind of forgot to put an alpha-male hot head on the show. Then again, I suppose that was Dick’s role, and I suppose the producers assumed Rachel would be more of a disaster than she actually has been. Oh well. The result seems to be a relatively staid affair that is still rather enjoyable to watch, but could certainly use a dose of drama.

The big news was that Jeff won an HOH, which meant for the first time all season, there was an XY chromosome in the room upstairs (Brendon doesn’t count, and neither does Shelly for that matter). I can’t say there was too much exciting about Jeff’s reign. He did earn himself a box of Lucky Charms that Jordan happily tore into, and when Jeff wasn’t talking game, he seemed to be perpetually cleaning up the HOH room floors. Aside from that, he was lording over an uneasy alliance between Rachel and Shelly, who both hate each other now in one of the more amusing feuds this season.

Meanwhile, with their backs against the wall, Dani’s army got to work making stupid deals. Dani attempted to have Jeff stick to his end of their deal from last week (she wouldn’t nominate him if he’d do the same for her), but as far as we could tell, it looked as though Jeff was rearing up to backdoor her. Porsche, meanwhile, made her first strategic discussion since the first week as she cornered Jeff with some lame game talk. It’s a shame she’s turned into such a nonentity. I really thought at the outset that she’d be a major player, but alas, she’s fallen into the tragic category of “Quiet Snacker,” as evidenced by her ever growing badunk-adunk.

In the end, Jeff nominated Kalia and Porsche, allowing Adam to skate by once again and leaving Shelly to smile happily as she munched down on her gourmet meal of muffins with PB&J. Enthralling stuff.

“Damn, this is one big ball. And I think I know a little something about balls, BRO.”

“I like wearing this tutu. It reminds me of ballet. And ballets are all about dancing. And I like Dancing with the Stars. Tom Bergeron is, like, really funny. Almost as funny as Carrot Top. And he makes me think of red hair. And that’s like Ginger Spice. And I used to love that song ‘Wannabe.’ Remember that lyric? ‘If you wannabe my lover…’ I call Jeff ‘Lover.’ He better not get a big head about it. Oh gosh! I just realized: Jeff is going to win Head of Household!”

“Okay, here’s my Seinfeld impersonation: what’s the deal with cream cheese? Am I right? The end.”

“Ain’t no slippery surface getting between me and MY imaginary load of laundry!”

“Slow and steady. I need to just stay calm, Mr. Drummond.”

“This is a breeze for me. It’s like being a VIP Waitress on a busy night at the club. Not that I’d have ANY idea what it would be like to have such a LUXURIOUS job.”


“Why does Kalia have to suck at this? It’s SOOOOO frustrating, and furthermore, it’s not FAAAAAY-ERRRRR.”

“This is like the time I had to spoon feed my good friend Mr. John TravOLLLLLLTAAAAAA!!!!!”


“Hope you got some Lysol, Rachel, because I’m about to take a DUMP, BRO.”

“Hey, I just masturbated!”

“Gosh, I love Lucky Charms. They make me think of magic. And that makes me think of David Copperfield. And he, like, disappears and stuff. And that reminds me of that scene in Back to the Future when Marty McFly’s family disappears from the photo. But then they come back. And then he goes back to 1985, but he’s too late and then he sees the Libyans, and — waaaaaiiiit a second. I bet the Libyan rebels totally just took Gadhafi out of power, didn’t they??”

“Wait a second, this isn’t a toilet? Uh oh. Somebody better get some Pine-Sol, BRO.”

“Mmmmm…. I love a fancy lunch.”

“Holy CRAP. This muffin just gave me a boner.”

“I just ate a mariachi player.”

“I love oiling myself up and gettin’ cancer.”

“Fuck yeah, BRO. I don’t know why I’m more excited about: looking like maple syrup or pulling off the hottest camel toe of 2011.”

What did you think about the episode?

27 replies on “BIG BROTHER PHOTOCAP: Suds & Muffins”

  1. B-side, what is your obsession with Porsche’s ass? You’ve mentioned it in back-to-back recaps. I know you’re all P90X’d out, but give the girl a break.

  2. Technically you can not backdoor someone who gets a chance to play in the VETO comp and Dani has a Veto Comp Card.

    I hope Jordan wins again and pisses off everyone.!


    1. Yes! They always use the term “backdoor”, when really they just mean “put up as a replacement nominee”.

  3. I’m glad that you pointed out Shelly’s disturbing skin color. It’s like Jersey Shore up in the BB house!

  4. I just had a pretzel bread roll from Trader Joe’s that was the exact same color as Shelly.

  5. Shelly will win this hands down!!!! she’s the biggest player er liar in the house right now…
    sorry jeff and jordan!!!

  6. dani allowed jeff to bully her into not putting him up , and she also thought he would then align with her instead he cold heartedly stabbed her deep in her back,he sucks and i hope the tide turns for him and jordon, she is just a real moron,tpt,to boot.

    1. Really Gerry20? Really? Jeff stabbed Dani in the back? Remember she wanted to BD him previously when she was supposed to be in the same alliance and she was talking about getting him out if K or P won HOH. Do you really think Dani would allow herself to get bullied by anyone in the house? Get real.

      1. I love the way Dani lovers seem to forget that she turned on the Vets first. In an effort to make a “big move” she aligned with another dumb kid so she could flirt her way through the summer in the BB house.
        And that “bullying” tactic is not the sole propriety of Jeff & Brendon. Daniele does a pretty good job of bullying – she just wraps it in sarcasm and then says “Just kidding”.


    2. I understand the frustration of Dani lovers, but it didn’t matter who she got rid of last week. Both Jeff and Brendon were going after her this week and either of them would have won that HOH…she would have been in the same situation either way.

  7. shelly is soooo annoying. she plays the ‘i’m such a good person…i don’t deserve this…i’m the only honest person in this house’ blah blah blah. shut the hell up, bro!

  8. right on the money jose… i’m so disgusted w/ shelly most esp… last night when she was talking to Jordan…it’s all about her being the good person rooting for Jordan and she kept bashing RACHEL…. I cannot stand her and i hope she gets evicted after Dani..
    good grief!!!

  9. I could not believe all the common foods Shelley just doesn’t recognize: a PEAR, for chrissake? The SHAPE didn’t help? Then all those exotics, like avocados and, heaven forfend, COCONUT water! Who’dathunk such a thing?! (Seriously, it’s as if what’sherface on RHOOrangeCounty suddenly embodied her–you know, the Jesus freak who hasn’t a clue what anything is and gags her way through dinner parties…I have a mental bloank on her, always.) Well, let’s all pray that since “chiquita” cannot grow a pair, she at least comes to know a pear.

  10. “Holy crap this muffin just gave me a boner” Gotta love it!!!! How funny, keep them coming!

  11. LOVE the recaps/photocaps! Don’t know if you take suggestions but please don’t abandon the bit re: Jeff’s outrage over Dumbledore being gay. Some of those captions were on a whole other level of brilliance.

  12. Shelly has turned into a life sized character. The crying in the dr is ugly to watch, and her double finger kiss to her daughter. Ugh.
    Straighten up, bro.

Comments are closed.