Last night’s episode of Big Brother was utterly frustrating, full of dumb decisions, annoying outcomes, and questionable situations. It had me rolling my eyes and gritting my teeth. I was so angry. In other words, it was a great episode.
Being a Big Brother fan means enduring hideous things, often in the form of watching helplessly while a perfectly good alliance, strategy, or line of logic dies a horrific death. It’s never pleasant, but it’s tradition, and I’m happy to say that last night’s installment continued the streak of things never going the way I want them to on this soul-killing show. I hate it. But I love it.
I don’t even know where to begin. I suppose we can single out the Chenbot, whose ensemble was thankfully a bit more normal this time around. Sure, she looked like she just performed a sax solo for a Huey Lewis and the News cover band, but compared to the Great Cape Disaster of July and the XTREME Hair Blow Out of last week, I think this was an improvement (although, admittedly, I’d like the cape to return and become her signature look).
Wait a second, can we take a moment here to reflect? JULIE CHEN WORE A CAPE ON LIVE TELEVISION. AND SHE WASN’T BEING IRONIC. I just feel like we have to really reflect on that once in a while.
Anyway, Julie is the best, and I love her strange fashion choices. The same can’t be said of Lawon, who may have just knocked Marcellas off the the podium for dumbest move ever. Here are all the dumb things Lawon did this week:
1) He volunteered to be evicted, assuming he could both return to the house easily and that upon his return, he’d have some special power. Didn’t Lawon realize that as a MEGA FLOATER he already had a special power: the ability to be instantly forgotten at any given moment?
2) Upon being nominated, Lawon pretended like he was shocked, which wasn’t a major offense, but his inability to lie properly was a true master class in idiocy. He was like some low-rent criminal apprehended by Dick Tracy. “Where were you the night of August 10th?” “I certainly wasn’t stealing jewels on 18th street!” (I should note that this is how I imagine every episode of Dick Tracy playing out. Welcome to my strange brain). The point is this: Lawon is a terrible liar. He immediately said, “I wouldn’t volunteer for this!” followed by “When I get evicted…” No wonder the McGruff Crime Dog of the house, Shelly, was able to sniff out a scheme. And yes, I’ve referenced Dick Tracy and McGruff in one paragraph. Clearly I have animated crime stoppers on the mind. SOMEONE CALL INSPECTOR GADGET.
3) Yes, we’re still ranking dumb things Lawon did. So here’s a shocker: Lawon was voted out unanimously (also see: dumb things Kalia and Daniele did this week). And just when he thought he’d be waltzing back into the house, he learned he’d have to face an evicted house guest. And guess who America voted for? Certainly not Brendon, but that’s what the producers told us. I call MAJOR bullshit on that. A quick survey of blogs, forums, Facebook, and friend chatter indicated that everyone was voting for either Dominic or Cassi, with the advantage for Dom. No one expressed any interest in Brendon except for a few sadists here and there. Apparently, my research failed me. Either that, or the producers decided to bring him back (seems more likely). Oh the horrors. Well, now Lawon, who had won nothing in the house except the award for Most Likely To Sound Like A Cat Caught In A Vice Grip had to face powerhouse Brendon. Guess how that turned out? Yup, Brendon won. And here is where point #3 of Lawon’s idiocy emerges: all the guys had to do was roll balls into a hole. Brendon hustled and rolled one after the other after the other. Lawon, however, looked like he was enjoying an afternoon on a Carnival Cruiseline. To say he lacked urgency is an understatement. He’d roll a ball up… pause… stare… and then roll it again. Maybe. He also didn’t really AIM his ball either. And he only used one ball at a time. As if our frustration wasn’t already at its max, watching him “compete” nearly killed me.
And so Brendon returned and Lawon went home. Terrible.
Who else was an idiot this week? Well, Kalia for thinking that this plan would ever help her. Daniele for backing Kalia. Shelly for being Shelly (I can’t tell if her scheming is brilliant or just shady). Adam for shaving his beard off. Porsche for having an annoying voice. Jeff and Jordan for no reason. I just feel like listing now. I’M MAD.
Hopefully Kalia and everyone else learned a lesson: one in the hand is worth two in the bush. Don’t focus on what MIGHT happen. Focus on what will happen. Basing a strategy on factors you don’t know and can’t control is just dumb. Now, another newbie is gone, and the Veteran count remains undiminished.
RIP The Regulators: worst alliance in Big Brother history.
“Good evening. I’m Julie Chen, and I’m a member of Wham!”
“HOOO-WEEEE!!! I can’t wait to get my special power. It’ll be CAH-RAY-ZEEEEE!!!!”
“Hey everyone, who am I? If you said Andrew McCarthy walking into a scene in St. Elmo’s Fire, you are correct.”
“HOOOO-WEEEE!!! I just made the BOLDEST move in Big Brother history! I asked to be evicted, and I’m GOING to be evicted!!! Did I say ‘bold?’ I meant ‘stupid!’ CAH-RAY-ZEEE!!!!”
“I cannot believe that bitch nominated me. She gone get it from me, especially since I did NOT volunteer for this. Not at all!”
“When I get voted out of the house as part of an elaborate strategy and then come back, I will raise HELL… assuming that there was an elaborate strategy. I’m just spitballing here. HOO-WEEE!!!!”
“Lawon, did you volunteer to go on the block? You can tell me, BRO TO BRO.”
“I am still so mad about my nomination. And I most certainly did not specifically ask for this!”
“When I get voted out and come back, I will be furious — not that I’m planning on getting voted out. And I am not lying. I know none of you insinuated that I was, but again, I’m not lying. CAH-RAY-ZEE!!!”
“Daniele, I promise that I’ll keep this secret between you and I. I swear on all that is precious to me, which includes a potato chip I found that looks like Booki’s nose.”
“Omg, Kalia and Daniele were like ‘Vote with us OR ELSE.’ Who DOES that? I mean, aside from me and Brendon.”
“Julie, I’m so nervous about this eviction. It reminds me of back home when I don’t always have enough rent. And wasn’t Rent a musical or something? I was once in Cats. I sang that song ‘Memories.’ And ‘Memories’ makes me think of photo albums. I have pictures from my prom. That was when I was eighteen. And being eighteen reminds me of voting for the first time. And that makes me think of being a voting American. Oh my gosh! America totally voted Brendon to come back to the house, and he’ll have to battle the evicted houseguest, and that’ll be Lawon, who’s gonna lose the battle. Brendon’s coming back!!!”
“I’m really happy. I cannibalized my alliance this week, crumbled under pressure from the opposition, and allowed myself to be duped in multiple ways. I think I did great!”
“I love y’all! And I’m so glad to represent the fine institution of Yale University with what you will discover is the SMARTEST move of all time!”
“Adam, the votes are in, and America has decided that YOU… look like a drag queen out of costume.”
“SEPARATED LOVERS GRAB YOUR SENSE OF HOPE!”
“Ain’t no one coming between me and my surprise!”
“JACK WAGNER AND HEATHER LOCKLEAR ARE GETTING MARRIED??”
“Hi everyone! So great to be back. I’ve spent the past five weeks eating Cheetohs!”
“Do I win a hug??”
“HOOOOO-WEEEE!!! My strategy is to roll balls up the platform very slowly, ideally aiming away from the hole, and taking as many breaks as possible. BOLDEST MOVE OF THE GAME!! CAH-RAY-ZEEEE!!!!”
Rachel: “Come on, Booki!”
Jordan: “Oh this is stressful. Stress makes me think of tests. And tests make me think of the SATs. And the SATs make me think of college. And, like, my college had the worst cafeteria. They always served mystery meat. And mysteries can be so confusing. Sometimes when I get confused, I get mad. And that makes me think of fights. And fights remind me of arguments. And arguments are like debates. Oh gosh! There was a Republican Debate in Iowa, wasn’t there?”
What did you think about last night’s turn of events?