Last night’s episode of Big Brother was utterly frustrating, full of dumb decisions, annoying outcomes, and questionable situations. It had me rolling my eyes and gritting my teeth. I was so angry. In other words, it was a great episode.
Being a Big Brother fan means enduring hideous things, often in the form of watching helplessly while a perfectly good alliance, strategy, or line of logic dies a horrific death. It’s never pleasant, but it’s tradition, and I’m happy to say that last night’s installment continued the streak of things never going the way I want them to on this soul-killing show. I hate it. But I love it.
I don’t even know where to begin. I suppose we can single out the Chenbot, whose ensemble was thankfully a bit more normal this time around. Sure, she looked like she just performed a sax solo for a Huey Lewis and the News cover band, but compared to the Great Cape Disaster of July and the XTREME Hair Blow Out of last week, I think this was an improvement (although, admittedly, I’d like the cape to return and become her signature look).
Wait a second, can we take a moment here to reflect? JULIE CHEN WORE A CAPE ON LIVE TELEVISION. AND SHE WASN’T BEING IRONIC. I just feel like we have to really reflect on that once in a while.
Anyway, Julie is the best, and I love her strange fashion choices. The same can’t be said of Lawon, who may have just knocked Marcellas off the the podium for dumbest move ever. Here are all the dumb things Lawon did this week:
1) He volunteered to be evicted, assuming he could both return to the house easily and that upon his return, he’d have some special power. Didn’t Lawon realize that as a MEGA FLOATER he already had a special power: the ability to be instantly forgotten at any given moment?
2) Upon being nominated, Lawon pretended like he was shocked, which wasn’t a major offense, but his inability to lie properly was a true master class in idiocy. He was like some low-rent criminal apprehended by Dick Tracy. “Where were you the night of August 10th?” “I certainly wasn’t stealing jewels on 18th street!” (I should note that this is how I imagine every episode of Dick Tracy playing out. Welcome to my strange brain). The point is this: Lawon is a terrible liar. He immediately said, “I wouldn’t volunteer for this!” followed by “When I get evicted…” No wonder the McGruff Crime Dog of the house, Shelly, was able to sniff out a scheme. And yes, I’ve referenced Dick Tracy and McGruff in one paragraph. Clearly I have animated crime stoppers on the mind. SOMEONE CALL INSPECTOR GADGET.
3) Yes, we’re still ranking dumb things Lawon did. So here’s a shocker: Lawon was voted out unanimously (also see: dumb things Kalia and Daniele did this week). And just when he thought he’d be waltzing back into the house, he learned he’d have to face an evicted house guest. And guess who America voted for? Certainly not Brendon, but that’s what the producers told us. I call MAJOR bullshit on that. A quick survey of blogs, forums, Facebook, and friend chatter indicated that everyone was voting for either Dominic or Cassi, with the advantage for Dom. No one expressed any interest in Brendon except for a few sadists here and there. Apparently, my research failed me. Either that, or the producers decided to bring him back (seems more likely). Oh the horrors. Well, now Lawon, who had won nothing in the house except the award for Most Likely To Sound Like A Cat Caught In A Vice Grip had to face powerhouse Brendon. Guess how that turned out? Yup, Brendon won. And here is where point #3 of Lawon’s idiocy emerges: all the guys had to do was roll balls into a hole. Brendon hustled and rolled one after the other after the other. Lawon, however, looked like he was enjoying an afternoon on a Carnival Cruiseline. To say he lacked urgency is an understatement. He’d roll a ball up… pause… stare… and then roll it again. Maybe. He also didn’t really AIM his ball either. And he only used one ball at a time. As if our frustration wasn’t already at its max, watching him “compete” nearly killed me.
And so Brendon returned and Lawon went home. Terrible.
Who else was an idiot this week? Well, Kalia for thinking that this plan would ever help her. Daniele for backing Kalia. Shelly for being Shelly (I can’t tell if her scheming is brilliant or just shady). Adam for shaving his beard off. Porsche for having an annoying voice. Jeff and Jordan for no reason. I just feel like listing now. I’M MAD.
Hopefully Kalia and everyone else learned a lesson: one in the hand is worth two in the bush. Don’t focus on what MIGHT happen. Focus on what will happen. Basing a strategy on factors you don’t know and can’t control is just dumb. Now, another newbie is gone, and the Veteran count remains undiminished.
RIP The Regulators: worst alliance in Big Brother history.
“Good evening. I’m Julie Chen, and I’m a member of Wham!”
“HOOO-WEEEE!!! I can’t wait to get my special power. It’ll be CAH-RAY-ZEEEEE!!!!”
“Hey everyone, who am I? If you said Andrew McCarthy walking into a scene in St. Elmo’s Fire, you are correct.”
“HOOOO-WEEEE!!! I just made the BOLDEST move in Big Brother history! I asked to be evicted, and I’m GOING to be evicted!!! Did I say ‘bold?’ I meant ‘stupid!’ CAH-RAY-ZEEE!!!!”
“I cannot believe that bitch nominated me. She gone get it from me, especially since I did NOT volunteer for this. Not at all!”
“When I get voted out of the house as part of an elaborate strategy and then come back, I will raise HELL… assuming that there was an elaborate strategy. I’m just spitballing here. HOO-WEEE!!!!”
“Lawon, did you volunteer to go on the block? You can tell me, BRO TO BRO.”
“I am still so mad about my nomination. And I most certainly did not specifically ask for this!”
“When I get voted out and come back, I will be furious — not that I’m planning on getting voted out. And I am not lying. I know none of you insinuated that I was, but again, I’m not lying. CAH-RAY-ZEE!!!”
“Daniele, I promise that I’ll keep this secret between you and I. I swear on all that is precious to me, which includes a potato chip I found that looks like Booki’s nose.”
“Omg, Kalia and Daniele were like ‘Vote with us OR ELSE.’ Who DOES that? I mean, aside from me and Brendon.”
“Julie, I’m so nervous about this eviction. It reminds me of back home when I don’t always have enough rent. And wasn’t Rent a musical or something? I was once in Cats. I sang that song ‘Memories.’ And ‘Memories’ makes me think of photo albums. I have pictures from my prom. That was when I was eighteen. And being eighteen reminds me of voting for the first time. And that makes me think of being a voting American. Oh my gosh! America totally voted Brendon to come back to the house, and he’ll have to battle the evicted houseguest, and that’ll be Lawon, who’s gonna lose the battle. Brendon’s coming back!!!”
“I’m really happy. I cannibalized my alliance this week, crumbled under pressure from the opposition, and allowed myself to be duped in multiple ways. I think I did great!”
“I love y’all! And I’m so glad to represent the fine institution of Yale University with what you will discover is the SMARTEST move of all time!”
“Adam, the votes are in, and America has decided that YOU… look like a drag queen out of costume.”
“SEPARATED LOVERS GRAB YOUR SENSE OF HOPE!”
“Ain’t no one coming between me and my surprise!”
“JACK WAGNER AND HEATHER LOCKLEAR ARE GETTING MARRIED??”
“Hi everyone! So great to be back. I’ve spent the past five weeks eating Cheetohs!”
“Do I win a hug??”
“HOOOOO-WEEEE!!! My strategy is to roll balls up the platform very slowly, ideally aiming away from the hole, and taking as many breaks as possible. BOLDEST MOVE OF THE GAME!! CAH-RAY-ZEEEE!!!!”
Rachel: “Come on, Booki!”
Jordan: “Oh this is stressful. Stress makes me think of tests. And tests make me think of the SATs. And the SATs make me think of college. And, like, my college had the worst cafeteria. They always served mystery meat. And mysteries can be so confusing. Sometimes when I get confused, I get mad. And that makes me think of fights. And fights remind me of arguments. And arguments are like debates. Oh gosh! There was a Republican Debate in Iowa, wasn’t there?”
What did you think about last night’s turn of events?
IMO Brendon got voted back in to save J&J – not because people love R&B.
I loved that Julie said there was 2 million votes and over 1 million were for Brendon. That means that all 3 of the others together did not get as many votes as Booki. Suck it Regulators.
Now I hope they get rid of Rachel and keep Brendon. I just can’t go another week of listening to her freak out every 2 seconds.
The worst part of last nights show was having to stomach Matt & Regan again. (puke)
hb
I can’t believe that America’s are stupid enough to vote B back in the game. Poor Dom
I call CBS bullshit on Brendon coming back in the game…that shit was rigged. They are disgusting together…bleck on this entire season except for Daniele…hoepfully she can make it to the end.
Last thursday I decided not to vote, I didn’t care who came back. After Lawon was nominated, I tossed several votes to Brendon because I want to screw over Daniele.
Plus, Brendon should help get Jeff & Jordan further in the game (at least I hope so).
In other words….prior to Lawon being nominated I think Dom or Cassi had a chance of being voted back. After Kalia put up Lawon…it gave Brendon a chance.
First of all, it would have been awesome if the house had voted Rachel out and we got to enjoy a Rachel-Brendon showdown. Although knowing that fool, he would have helped her put all of her balls in instead of doing his own.
Second of all, YAY! Brendon’s back! I couldn’t be happier. Now Rach and Bren can help J & J squash Danielle, which is the only outcome I need to satisfy my big-brother-bloodlust.
Good point Firecat. I bet that’s exactly what happened.
That was so annoying. Why on earth couldn’t they have nominated Jordan? Rachel would have been voted out. Even if Brendan gave it to Rachel, Brendon still would have been out! Jordan and Jeff are already after Dani and Kalia. Nominating Lawon didn’t change that. Granted, the HOH results favor Dani and her team but at some point, the other side will get an HOH. Then what?
Kalia said several times that she promised Jordan she would never put her up, and vice-versa (I think). It’s an explanation, not really a great reason in the context of the game
Brendon got voted back so viewers of BB After Dark could have some soft porn.
Great recaps! Sadly no more Lawon.. there is nothing like your Lawon recaps.
I don’t know if I can handle much more of Rachel and Brendon. I could not believe he got voted back in. Whatever.
Spoiler!
B&R threw Jeff under the bus today making big promises to Dani. Shows what nice people they aren’t. If it hadn’t been for J&J and Shelly working last week Rachel would have been evicted.
I totally voted Brendan back in…but not because I like him or Rachel. I just think a pissed off Dani and Kalia is way more entertaining than a crying and depressed Rachel.
I see how he could win though:
1. Cassie and Dom split their votes
2. Fans of Jeff and Jordan also voted for him.
3. The few Brenchel fans
4. Those expecting Rachel to be the one voted out, and wanting them to face off against each other.
If you think of it in those terms, I can see how he won the plurality (not necessarily the majority) of votes.
“SEPARATED LOVERS GRAB YOUR SENSE OF HOPE!” – That’s gold, Jerry! Gold! Great recap, B 🙂
Yes, I was one of those that paid $1 to vote for Brendon. Please don’t block me. I wanted to see the looks on Daniele’s and Kalia’s faces. I did not necessarily want to see Rachel’s open-mouth sex doll look. Sorry.
Did everyone in the house not find it odd that Lawon was the only one to get dressed up for the veto ceremony?
Rachel’s gratitude for being kept in the game was to immediately tell Brenda how mean Jeff was to her. Unbelievable! Not once did she thank anyone for keeping her there. What a crap piece of work. Now they’re going to Dani to work with her instead of J/J. Double unbelievableness if that’s at all possible. For those who voted for him just to see the look on Dani’s face – which I’ve heard alot on different forums — well you got it for 2 seconds before she won HOH. Now we have to suffer – repeat — suffer through their nonsense, arrogance and co-dependence awfulness for who knows how long. It’s deja vu all over again! … folding my arms and stamping my feet out of the room all pissy …
I guess finding useful, reliable information on the internet isn’t hopleses after all.
…peeking head back in sheepishly… Stomping — not stamping … she types grinning and disappearing again
Now we know what the BS stands for in CBS. To add to Honeybunny’s point about the 1 out of 2 million votes going to Brendon…didn’t Julie also say something like, “…in the closest vote…?”
So Brendon got half the votes, Dom was “close” (according to Chenbot) so he had to get close to a million…
Someone from cBS should do the math on this. I guess Julie’s cape didn’t give her super math powers like the Count in Sesame Street.
More like Super Grover…
B-side: I thought I saw you in the back over Julie’s right shoulder (looks like her left shoulder facing us). Wasn’t that you there in the audience?
Your recap was the funniest part of the show. Your Lawon is brilliant. Personally, I think he wanted OUT and threw the challenge and pretended that he KNEW he would win a special power. I think he was just bored to death in there with his alliance and really wanted to be in Jeff and Jordan’s alliance and realized it was just too too late.
I didn’t vote (because I feel pathetic enough for watching this show without spending money to vote) but if I had, I would have voted for Brendon. I think Brendon and Rachel are both complete messes, but for some reason I root for them (well, Rachel, at least) instead of Dani and Kalia, whom I hate. Seriously, cannot stand Dani, she has always been and continues to be my least favorite BB player. So I want her to go down.
Reasons why Brendon might have actually won the votes: He was the last one voted out. It usually seems to be the most recent evictee who wins his way back into the house — maybe because the audience has a short memory or at least that drama is easier to remember. And then he did give up his veto to Rachel and they sobbed about him leaving — maybe some voters are actually affected by that. And the other three evictees were so boring and stupid — with the exception of Cassie, but she was voted out three whole weeks ago — that I think Brendon has the most interesting storyline/drama potential. Seemed like a no-brainer to me.
I ask myself every week why I am rooting for Rachel to go far in the game. I guess she is just such a loveable mess — a total trainwreck, but I don’t think she’s a bad person like Dani. With that said, I hope Jordan wins the whole damn thing again. Everyone underestimates her — yeah, she’s a ditz, but she already WON the goddamn game but everyone acts like she’s a complete non-factor.
Nothing like going away on a business trip for a few weeks then returning to watch BB episodes back-to-back to lead me to the conclusion that I hate this cast.
Even Jeff and Jordan are getting on my nerves.
I’m taking BB off my record list and will stick to recaps. :/
Its not that America wanted Brendan back in, it just so happened America split their votes between Cassi and Dom and that left all the Brenchel lovers votes going to one neanderthal. People who wanted to help Daniele and her band of noobs couldn’t agree on voting for one or the other so, sadly we are stuck with Brenchel again! I would rather Brendan stay this time versus Rachel. She is super aggitating.
Um, hello? Dude, the Chenbot was wearing full on shoulder pads which is almost as bad as the cape and worse than the sleeveless thing she had going on last week.