It was the episode of the season! Last night was double eviction night on Big Brother, that glorious once-a-season event that has the houseguests scrambling to make sense of everything all at once while competing in a week’s worth of events in under and hour. It’s one of my favorite episodes of each season, which is why I was utterly LIVID that someone full on spoiled it for me two hours before it aired on the West Coast (more specifically, six minutes after it finished airing on the East Coast). Clearly I’m still very bitter. VERY. I know it was an accident, but like the people stuck in the house, I am very frequently not able to think rationally and without emotion at the height of Big Brother season.
Nevertheless, even having everything RUINED for me, it still was a very fun episode full of twists and turns, and in the end, we were left with a very peculiar final six. It’s going to be a fascinating run to the finale…
Let’s get to the good stuff. Daniele was evicted by a vote of three to two, which is surprising in and of itself (I thought it would be a unanimous vote). However, the big news was that Shelly had flipped on her old allies of Jeff and Jordan and was trying to broker a deal to get Daniele to stay in the house. First she tried to sway Adam, but the guy is an idiot, who despite having watched every season fastidiously, thought it was somehow in his best interest to blindly follow whatever Jeff and Jordan said and kick Dani out.
Ever the schemer, Shelly then expertly planted the seed of doubt in Rachel’s head, alerting her that Jeff had actually thrown a competition that he could have used to save Brendon. This pissed off Rachel, and she sought out Daniele with the novel idea of working with her to rout out Jeff and Jordan. It made a lot of sense, especially because Rachel knew that if Daniele stayed, the attention would remain on her and not Rachel.
However, in the end, Rachel voted to evict Daniele, probably in large part thanks to a bitter flame-out speech by Dani attacking people of sitting on their asses. I think it was mainly directed at Adam, who for the second time this season refused to join Dani’s side in a vote.
Well, Daniele went home, and then came the Head of Household competition. Kalia managed to pull out the win (but not before Porsche nearly gave the Chenbot a heart attack with her slow answers. Nothing like hearing Julie hone her inner school marm and yell, “I NEED AN ANSWER NOW!!!”) Anyway, Kalia nominated Rachel and Jeff, and then it was time for the Veto, which had players digging through ball pits to find two yellow clown shoes. Unfortunately for Jeff, while he was busy tossing his balls (lolz), he inadvertently threw one of his shoes out of the ball pit, and thus he lost the competition as he fruitlessly searched for something that was no longer there. Wah wahh.
Porsche managed to pull out the win for the first time all season, and of course she opted not to use the Veto, and in the resultant vote, Jordan and Adam voted to evict Rachel while Porsche and SHELLY voted to evict Jeff. You heard that right. Shelly actually voted to keep her nemesis and oust her ally. (You can imagine my rage at having had this all spoiled). In the end, Kalia had to break the tie (UGH. A TIE BREAKER. SPOILED!!!!!) and Jeff went home.
I now have a few rants. Feel free to skip ahead to the photos if you wish:
Rant 1. In Defense of Shelly
Yes, I am writing in defense of Shelly. A lot of people are hating on her for flipping sides and sending out beloved Jeff. But I will not hate her for that. In fact, I RESPECT her for that. For weeks we saw her riding Jeff and Jordan’s coattails, wondering why she ever thought she could make it to the final two with either one of them. It was about damn time she realized her strategy was flawed. She needed to flip, and for all the people who fault her for flipping, just remember how annoyed you were watching all those idiots on Survivor just let Boston Rob call all the shots. It sucks, but Shelly did the right thing, and I loved her methods of manipulating Rachel, even though it did ultimately fail.
Rant 2. Jeff Was Not Perfect
I love Jeff. I love Jordan. They are one of the best Reality TV duos ever. However, the fact remains that Jeff was not playing as good of a game as he thought. He was often brash and confrontational, and he employed this faulty logic that one must make “big moves” on Big Brother. I understand his frustration at watching someone like Adam or Lawon sit around and do nothing to get ahead, but in the end, Jeff should have realized that repeatedly antagonizing the likes of Kalia or Daniele would only bite him in the ass one day. In a game where power shifts from week to week (or minute to minute, as it did last night), the key is not to rule by intimidation but by manipulation. Jeff failed on that front. Love him, but his ouster was his own damn fault.
Rant 3. Ummm….
I forget my third rant. I definitely had it this morning in the shower. I’ll just go with this: enough of this whole notion that the quality of a player is how well they do in competitions. You know, so many Big Brother games are pure luck; so winning or losing them is something of a misleading indication of “gameplay.” So when Jeff told Julie that there were people in the house who were “sleeping” all season and then just woke up and won some competitions — almost as if they weren’t REAL competitors — I say get over it. Jeff wouldn’t complain if his Bears staged a fourth quarter comeback, and it’s not right to fault someone like Porsche for finally scoring late in the game either. Truth is that everyone is “playing” at all times, and those who are perceived to be floaters are just doing the natural thing — finding cover while the brash players hurl stones at each other. If you don’t like floaters, vote them out, but don’t act like their gameplay is inferior. Faulty logic! FAULTY LOGIC!!!
Okay, rants are concluded. Feel free to add yours in the comments! In the meantime, here’s the photocap:
“Good evening. I’m Julie Chen, and I’m a Creamsicle.”
“Hey, does anyone have a spare jock strap, BRO?”
“I’m sure all my constant badgering will never backfire in my face. Just as I’m sure Dumbledore could never be gay.”
“My dick is THIS thick, BRO.”
Adam: “Not to be the bearer of bad news or anything, Shelly, but I just farted, and now it’s gently wafting over to you.”
“Some call me a weak player, but I like to use the term ‘strategically challenged.'”
“JILTED ALLIANCE MEMBERS GRAB YOUR UNLIKELY STRATEGIC OPTIONS!!!”
“Is everyone good out here? No one needs a refill? Can I get anything out of your way? Please note that I’m asking this purely out of curiosity, not because of any LUXURIOUS VIP waitress background I may have.”
“Hey, so, I just want to make a quick speech that will alienate the house and ruin any chances I have to convert someone who’s on the fence about keeping me in the house.”
“Porsche, just a reminder, the Diary Room is not the shower. Please put your clothes back on.”
Porsche: “Is that better?”
“Nope. You’re still naked.”
Shelly: “Yeah bro. FUCK YEAH, BRO!!!!!!!”
“Ain’t no giant pit of balls getting between me and MY clown shoes!”
Uhhh Jeff… behind you… [cringe]
“This is SUCH a Carrie Bradshaw moment. I couldn’t help but wonder: when it comes to men, is there something worth finding, or are we all just scrambling through a pit of balls?”
“I suppose now would be a bad time for me to sing some Celine?”
In a shocking turn of events, Porsche’s brain is inundated with messages from her home planet, Xlagon-5.
And the winner of the Lawon Award for Most Not Aware He’s Playing Big Brother goes to… Adam!
“I don’t like seeing Jeff on the block. When I was a kid, I played with blocks. Blocks make me think of Legos. And those make me think of Eggo Waffles. And waffles remind me of pancakes. And pancakes make me think of Mrs. Butterworth. And that makes me think of Aunt Jemima. I wonder if they’re friends. I bet if they were, they’d go dancing. That makes me think of Flashdance, and that makes me think of that song by Irene Cara. OH MY GOSH! I BET THERE’S A HURRICANE NAMED IRENE BEARING DOWN ON THE EAST COAST!”
Jeff: “Thanks for the betrayal, Sophia Petrillo.”
“Psssst… Shelly…. I don’t want to freak you out, but there are cameras ALL OVER THIS HOUSE.”
“It gets me mad that people who do nothing this whole game get to skate by while others like me who antagonize, bully, and condescend to others get voted out!”
What did you think about this episode?