Christmas is drawing close on The Real Housewives of New Jersey, and that can only mean one thing: time for fights! Luckily, we had Kathy and Teresa around to do the heavy lifting, and when that dustup proved to be a bit too tame, Joe Giudice had a tiff with Melissa’s brother-in-law Joe (no relation to her husband Joe, her father-in-law Joe, or Kathy’s son, Joe). And then, when THAT incident didn’t deliver the fireworks we wanted, we had old, trusty Kim G. I guess she’d been less naughty and more nice this year because Santa had brought her two new, plumped up lips. Looks like she’ll be getting coal next year though because her bringing Monica Chacon to the party was pretty low, even for Kim G standards.
Nevertheless, this episode had it all: Gorga fights, Kim G meddlings, and Ashley idiocy. All that was missing were Kim D and her hair fangs. Oh, and I suppose a cannoli made of cannolis. Still, pretty solid hour all the same.
The hour started with an utterly fascinating glimpse into the tree decorating processes of the Gorga and Giudice clans. One household featured Joe Gorga sitting atop a ladder like Rumpelstiltskin (or perhaps a guido Shrek)? Either way, he was like a big lump of poo up there as he adorned the surprisingly tasteful tree with lights and tinsel.
Over at the Gorga residence, Joe and Melissa were raising hell as they attempted to assemble their plastic tree, much to the fear of their kids. Needless to say, both families paled in comparison to Kathy, who effortlessly added tacky, New Orleans panache to her tree with the addition of a weird jester mask and several feathers. She still can do no wrong by me, even if this artistic choice did have me rethinking my loyalty to her.
Meanwhile, things with the Manzos and Lauritas were significantly less dramatic. It was Ashley’s birthday, and in her honor, everyone gathered together at a Japanese Hibatchi place where they could celebrate all the splendor that is Ashley. Of course, the dumb brat hardly seemed to appreciate much of it as she spent the whole party with her face buried in her iPhone, causing her to miss all the high-flying excitement as the chef flipped, tossed, and ignited various foodstuffs. I’m sure, however, that she was merely preoccupied with all sorts of work emails, given that she is clearly a busy and ambitious worker.
Later in the episode, Melissa had her much-hyped Christmas party. In true Real Housewives fashion, she rang up a ludicrous bill for the event, but a) at least she couched in some sort of charitable cause, and b) at least the $50k tab went to an adult party, not some alleged bash for a four year-old. Nevertheless, Teresa and Joe did manage to make their way over to the party, despite Joe’s reluctance. He warned us that if anyone got cute with him, he’s karate kick their face in, and yes, we all can say that after the demo of said kick, Joe Giudice is surprisingly fast, limber, and agile. I suppose we should have expected that given his split a few weeks ago.
Well, Teresa arrived at the party, and Kathy decided this would be the time to squash their beef. Kathy approached her cousin and very kindly said hello, to which Teresa responded in kind, but about as coldly as anyone this side of an offended LuAnn De Lesseps could respond. Given that Teresa is allegedly the self-anointed “nice one,” her hostile greeting was just another example of her being, well, a bitch. She didn’t owe Kathy a gushy hello, but still, some effort would’ve been nice.
Kathy should have just walked away then, but she instead tried to patch things up, and Teresa decided she’d have none of that. She lashed out at her, causing Kathy to ultimately walk away and curse her out behind her back. She then retired to a locked room with her husband, who advised her to go back into the party and curse out Teresa. Uh, not the best advice. How about, “Whatever. She’s trash. Have a good time in spite of her.” Luckily, Kathy has more brains than her mook husband, and she refrained from further drama.
Less restrained was Melissa’s brother-in-law Joe, who may or may not have been totally wasted. Anyway, with his smarmy weasel-sidekick-from-Roger-Rabbit voice, he straight up asked Joe Giudice where the money was that he owed him. I think we all expected this to turn into another brawl right on the spot, but somehow, Joe kept his composure and trotted away. Dammit. I really wanted to see another table flipped (you know that Teresa was going to make a beeline to whichever table had the sprinkle cookies).
Sadly, this is the world of Melissa-and-Teresa 2.0, which is less focused on fighting and more on building bridges (booo). And so Melissa (and several others) reprimanded Joe NotGorgaGiudice and kept the peace. Ugh.
And then in walked Kim G.
With her face looking like it had spent twelve hours in front of an industrial fan and those lips freshly injected with fillers, Kim G seemed ready to start a fight. She still resented Teresa’s comments toward her, and she wasn’t going to let her rival get the last laugh. So what did Kim do? She brought Morally Corrupt Monica Chacon, who has been identified as both the wife of the lawyer suing the Giudices and as the actual lawyer. I’m not sure what her role in all this is, but I do know that it was definitely a transparent move by Kim G to start a fight. Listen, bitch hasn’t been on much of this season, and she knows what she needs to do to get screen time. She tasted the fame drug last season and now is a full-on addict.
Well, Teresa told her sister-in-law that Monica needed to go, and Melissa very kindly obliged. She and Joe politely pulled Kim G aside and tactfully requested that her guest leave. Kim, however, was having none of it. This was her guest, but more importantly, this was HER chance for revenge and camera time. The batty woman began protesting, making absurd comments about how Teresa can’t just kick out people she doesn’t like blah blah blah. Again, Joe and Melissa reiterated that Monica needed to go, but it seemed like just about the only person who understood this was Monica herself, who leveled one brief dig at Teresa (something about three years of hell) and then quietly left the party. Since when did New Jersey become so mature?
Nevertheless, Kim was still on a rampage, and really all Joe needed to say was that it was a conflict for an opposing lawyer to be at the same party as his sister and her husband. Actually, all he needed to say was that it was his house and Monica had to go.
Luckily, next week, we get to see how this all shakes out when Momma Bear Caroline steps in and gives Kim G a piece of her mind. It’s the verbal lashing that Caroline has been repressing for a year, and I’m oh so thrilled to see it. And I’m sure Kim G is psyched too. After all, the Bravo narrator mentioned her by name for the first time ever (that I can remember) during the promo for next week.
Well done, Kim G!
“This tree is a pain in my ass.”
“WHATTDYA SAY, JOE?”
“I said this tree is a pain in my ass.”
“Why am I a pain in your ass?”
“No, not you, Tre. This tree.”
“You know another Tre?”
“I only know you, Tre.”
“So why am I a pain?”
“No, the Christmas tree is a pain.”
“How am I different at Christmas than the rest of the year, Joe?”
“No, I’m not saying the Christmas version of you.”
“So what are you saying Joe?”
“Joe. JOE. Whattya saying???”
“I don’t want to talk about, Tre.”
“Why you talking to the Christmas tree??”
“I want to knock over an in-store display. WAH!”
“Oh no! Mommy is singing again!”
“Tre, everything’s gonna be fine. We’re only $11 million in the hole. We’ll get that back. No big deal.”
“Hey Joe. I got you a new cock ring.”
“Aw, thanks Tre.”
“It costed us five million dollars though.”
“Wow. A totally useless plastic necklace. Thanks, Mom.”
“[sniff] I want more presents [sniff].”
“Oh wow! I’m so excited to see Ashley!! She’s just the best!!! Can you tell this is my sarcastic voice?”
“Hahahahahaha Ashley has no future.”
“Hi everyone. Can I have another car now?”
“Spoiled brat. Get off your phone. GET OFF YOUR PHONE.”
“I just want to raise a glass to my daughter Ashley, who someday will regret the fact that she was checking Twitter instead of listening to her mother’s toast to her. Great daughter she is.”
“I’m smiling, but deep down inside, I’m crying. Not because I miss my real dad, but because my Jeep, like, totally doesn’t have seat warmers. WTF?”
Melissa: “Hey look: it’s my impersonation of a stingray!”
“I think this is very classy. Thank goodness I nabbed the last one at TJ Maxx.”
“Tre, if any of thems get cute with me, I’m gonna kick ’em in the face.”
“Joe. JOE. Let me blow you first. JOE. Aren’t I a good blower???”
“I’m on display on display, each and everyday everyday!”
Joe: “Is it wrong I want to bone my cousin tonight?”
“Hey everyone. I just want to say Happy Birthday to Jesus. Also, please stop threatening to punch out the carolers.”
“Hey Kath, let me tell you something. I was GLAD the humans tried to destroy Pandora.”
“FUCK YOU, TERESA. The Na’vi are a kind race!”
“Oh my gawd. Is that the morally corrupt Monica Chacon?”
“Ugh, I have the BEST joke to tell.”
“Isn’t this wonderful? I’m making a splash! I love it! Kim G is back! Well, most of me is back. I’m missing some of my skull.”
“I think everyone needs to calm down about Monica. She’s my guest. She has a right to be here. Teresa has to get over it. Everyone needs to just calm down. Calm down. CALM DOWN!!!!”
What did you think about the episode?