There’s nothing better than when a silly, inconsequential luxury competition sets off a chain reaction on a reality show. We’ve seen it happen umpteen times on Survivor, and on last night’s Big Brother, it happened again. Here’s how it all went down: to hype up the premiere episode of Same Name, the producers arranged a competition in which the contestants had to guess the name of a celebrity who would be visiting the house. The first person to accurately identify the mystery star would win a special feast — as well as an exclusive sneak peak of the Same Name premiere episode. Probably not the most glamorous prize, but then again, it still beats out having to suffer through a screening of Jeremy Piven’s The Goods.
Anyway, through bizarrely flawed yet brilliant logic, Jordan managed to divine “David Hasselhoff” from the first clue, which consisted of soap and opera glasses. Most people deduced that the star hailed from soap operas, but Jordan saw the soap and thought of Bay, which I guess is some brand of household cleaner, and then she thought of washing. This resulted in “Baywash,” which became “Baywatch.” Keep in mind that she didn’t even use the opera glasses to come up with the concept of “watch.”
Nevertheless, as Jordan began describing her logic to us, I assumed the producers were just happily parading her stupidity out for us, but no, she somehow stumbled on to the correct answer, officially submitting “David Hasselhoff” as her final decision. Keep in mind this was after only one clue.
As for the rest of the house, there wasn’t much smarts going on. Brendon guessed Michael C. Hall, which made absolutely no sense. Even less logical was Porsche, who went with Michael Jackson. Keep in mind that this celebrity was supposed to be visiting the house. In person. ALIVE. Unless CBS has some macabre plan to unearth MJ and roll his coffin into the backyard, I’m thinking that Michael Jackson might not have been the wisest answer.
Anyway, David Hasselhoff did indeed roll into the Big Brother house in KIT, and soon he was hamming it up with the gang, who was only too happy to receive him. When I first heard that The Hoff would be entering the house, I thought this seemed like a rather low-rent affair (especially when Big Brother has courted guests such as Sheryl Crow and Neil Patrick Harris). However, The Hoff is kind of perfect for this kind of corny summer entertainment, and so I politely commend the producers and CBS for this well-executed star cameo.
Obviously Jordan won the prize, and soon she was tasked to invite two people to join her upstairs to watch TV and eat food. Her choices: Shelly and Kalia. This didn’t really seem to bother anyone except Rachel and Brendon, who immediately moped off to the purple room to cry and complain. Brendon immediately attacked his fiancé, implying that they lost because Rachel tried to help Porsche with the clues. This kicked off a long, idiotic fight between the two, with Rachel sensibly saying that it was no big deal — just a luxury competition. Brendon then did his standard guilt trip, saying that he loved Rachel to death, but she needed to not hold on to resentments for so long. Maybe I misheard, but wasn’t it Brendon who was carrying the grudge about the whole Porsche/clue situation?
Anyway, the argument soon became a debate about their future, and Brendon threatened to walk out of the house if Rachel didn’t get her head in the game. She, meanwhile, replied with her own passive-aggressive swipes, saying that Brendon was her dream man, EVEN THOUGH HE WAS MEAN TO HER, because he was so hot and smart but mostly hot. She then continued by saying she wanted a dream wedding, EVEN THOUGH HE DIDN’T WANT ONE, and she wanted her dream man to be there. Nothing like a relationship built on physical attraction and wedding aspirations.
Eventually, these two idiots settled down and focused their wrath on Jeff and Jordan, who they perceived now as a major threat to them. Fanning the flames was Daniele, who seems to be playing the smartest, shrewdest game right now. She’s wisely decided her best course of action is to pit the veterans against each other, and so she went up to the Head of Household room and informed Brenchel that they had to get rid of Jeff and Jordan. Rachel was totally on board, noting dramatically that the luxury dis was a SECOND STRIKE against them (the first being that Jordan neglected to nominate Cassi the first time around).
Amusingly though, just as Daniele left the HOH room, in walked Jeff, who wanted to know if Brenchel were okay with having not been picked for the competition. “Oh yeah! No problem!” replied Brendon and Rachel, in one of the most laughable bits of fakery this season. Clearly this is an alliance that is not long for this world.
Ultimately, Brenchel stayed true to the vets and nominated Adam and Dom. If those guys win the veto again, I’m curious who will take their place….
“Oh my God! I can’t believe I’m Head of Household again! I still reserve the right to cry in a bush though.”
“You know, we’re the couple in power right now, and I don’t see a single person lining up to hug me. What is wrong with you people?”
“Okay, when Rachel comes out of the Diary Room, everyone throw pillows at her. Then, in all the confusion, someone just STAB HER IN THE FACE.”
“Floaters grab your pillows!!!!!”
“Omigosh! They like me!!!! Hey, wait… are these pillows stuffed with rocks??”
Lawon: “HOOOO-WEEEE!!! It’s a PILLOW fight! This is CAH-RAY-ZEE!!!”
“This is, like, my dream pillow fight. Where’s Booki? I want my dream man at my dream pillow fight!”
“You guyyyssss, that was so fun! Who organized it? I’M PUTTING YOU ON THE BLOCK.”
“HOOO-WEEE!!! I wear orange Crocs. That’s CAH-RAY-ZEE!!!”
Daniele: “I don’t know who this celebrity is. It’s not FAAAAiiirr. I want a real star!”
“I, like, don’t know any celebrity names. You guys, it’s not FAAAAY-YER!!!!”
“So I was looking at the soap and the glasses, and I was like ‘soapglass,’ which made me think of a soap dish, and the only time I use a soap dish is if I have to wash my hands, which makes me think of dirt, and what grows in dirt? Grass. And grass grows during the day, and day made me think of sunshine, which made me think of space, which made me think of stars, which made me think of David Hasselhoff!”
“We can’t guess on the first clue. It’s stupid. And the LAST thing we want to do is look stupid!”
“You got that right, Booki!”
“Since the clues indicated the celebrity is a soap star and a singer, I will guess someone who is NEITHER: Michael C. Hall!”
“Hey, it’s me! David Hasselhoff! NOW WHERE THE HELL AM I???”
“Is anyone else here absolutely wasted?”
“I could really use a cheeseburger.”
“Me? I’m not mad about not getting to hang out with David Hasselhoff. I’m not mad at all! Perfectly fine! Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to go crawl into a bush.”
David Hasselhoff: “Oh, this looks delicious!”
“Yeah, go on ahead, Hoff. We haven’t eaten normal food in over a month, but please help yourself to our sushi. The same sushi you can get three times a day if you wanted.”
“I’d like to make love to you Jeremiah.”
“I wanted to play with the Hoff. I’m HoH. How could they not pick me?”
“They’re jerks! They’re so mad I could go up there and punch them! Or hug them. I’ll play it by ear.”
“Why is there no shrubbery in this house? I need to cry!”
“Baby, you can cry to me. I’ll be your man-bush.”
“But you’re mean to me.”
“Baby, you were helping Porsche. That’s why I was mean.”
“But who cares? It’s a luxury competition!”
“You have to let it go. You hold on to things too much.”
“But you were the one who brought it up.”
“Baby. I love you with all my heart, but if you don’t start making sense, I will walk out of this house. Is that what you want?”
“Baby, I can’t believe you want me to leave.”
“You’re my dream man. And even though you are always mean to me, I want to be with you and have a dream wedding. But if you don’t want that, that’s OKAY. I’ll just sit here in the corner in my imaginary bush.”
“I just want a hug.”
“Booki, all we do is fight.”
“That’s because we’re awful.”
“Yeah… Cryers grab your tissues!”
Dom: “Hey Dani, how about we name our alliance the Table-Sitters!”
“Oh my gosh. That David Hasselhoff is SUCH a Samantha!”
“As I watched a sneak peak of the show Same Name, I couldn’t help but wonder: when it comes to making love and having sex, is it all the same? Or in name only?”
“Hey, I just want to check that you guys weren’t upset that Jordan didn’t pick you for the luxury prize.”
“What? Oh no. That’s crazy. It’s not like we spent an hour crying over it and then the next hour plotting your exit from the house. Hahahhahaa!!!!”
What did you think about the episode?