REAL HOUSEWIVES OF OC PHOTOCAP: I Thought This Was A Classy Party!

“I thought this was a classy party,” Briana said during her mother Vicki’s party on last night’s season finale of Real Housewives of Orange County. In a season, nay, a franchise built on deluded comments, this may have been the most deluded comment of all. “Classy” is a virtue that disappeared from the OC long ago — somewhere between the umpteen sales for leopard print maxi-skirts and annual pilgrimages to Lake Havasu. The fact that Briana could ever think anything even resembling class could exist at her mom’s party was a major laughing point during an already hilarious episode.

As any avid Bravo viewer knows, last night was the much-hyped confrontation between Tamra and Jeana. It involved yelling, paper-throwin (memo to Tamra: fold your cease and desist into a paper airplane next time for better effect), and, of course, wine tossing. But there was oh so much more.

I’m not going to lie: I didn’t think this fight was the best fight EVAAAR, but it was pretty good. In many ways, I really enjoyed last season’s finale more with Tamra and Simon crumbling apart, if only because we witnessed an entire season or two of built up rage bubbling to the surface. And besides, these days — throwing a glass of wine is downright demure compared to what we see on New Jersey. That’s just where the fight begins in Franklin Lakes, not where it climaxes.

Nevertheless, the finale was great fun, thanks to nearly all the women acting inappropriately. We started off with Vicki, who revealed that a) she was no longer bleeding out of her ass (colon ulcers!), and b) as go the ulcers, so goes Donn. Bitch served him divorce papers. In the wake of all this, Vicki was a mess. She couldn’t stop crying, and if the waterworks did pause, it was only to allow someone to say “Aw, Vicki, don’t cry,” which would then, of course, lead to more crying. I did feel bad for her; although, I definitely sensed a bit of showiness to it all.

In an attempt to cheer Vicki up, Tamra brought her a martini and ordered her to think about insurance — an age-old tactic that I know always makes me feel warm and sunny. Tamra then recruited Peggy to help get the word out that any discussion of the two D’s — Donn and Divorce — was strictly verboten. You’d think it would go without saying that such subjects would be off-limits, but this is Orange County, after all. That whole “class” issue rears its ugly head again.

Well, Vicki did eventually make it downstairs after a pep-talk from her fellow castmates (and Fernanda, the almost, would-be, but never was sixth member of the brood this season). Things seemed to be back on track, but then Peggy had to go confront Alexis about the little digs she’d been making all season, particularly the most recent attack on her lips. Alexis played dumb as usual, but then again, playing dumb and actually being dumb are two fairly inseparable descriptors when it comes to Alexis. Already in this episode she had made herself look like a total asshole by deriding those women whose ambitions are to run for president and not be a mere wife. That, she said, was the problem with liberal America these days. Of course, this comes from a lady whose most pressing goal is arriving at a party with hot friends (none of whom were particularly hot).

Anyway, Alexis and Peggy soon got into it, with Alexis denying any wrongdoing whatsoever. Peggy tried to reason with her, but when you’re dealing with the fashion designer behind “A Walk In The Park” and “Cindarella’s [sic] Slippers,” it can be hard to expect any high level thought processes. Luckily, Peggy does have a brain in her head and managed to stymie all of Alexis’s weak points about who knows what, and in the end, it sounded like these two were going to be well on their way to becoming the best of frenemies.

This was all the fun lead up to the main event: Keough vs. Barney. Both women had arrived with their gays — Jeana had a prissy slouch of a guy named Ben, Tamra had Eddie (he seemed to address everyone as “Girlfriend!” last night) — and it was only a matter of time before things came to blows. Here’s what happened:

Peggy tried to run interference and give Jeana the heads-up that Tamra was super duper pissed. Jeana did concede that the reporter for the Orange County Register had twisted her words and that she felt bad about it, and thinking that this would mollify Tamra, Peggy called her over to hear Jeana’s vague remorse. Too bad Tamra wouldn’t even entertain the idea of an apology (not that it was coming her way). Instead, Tamra snapped and growled at Jeana — who suffered the awkwardness of being caught on camera giving an unrequited “Cheers!” with her glass.

Once again, Tamra ordered Jeana to stay out of her business, and once again, Jeana announced that she didn’t believe Tamra had been hit — nor did she believe that the offending leash in question had been thrown at her violently. “I toss things,” Jeana said, happily blabbing about something she really had no idea about.

This truly pissed off Tam-Tam; although, Jeana seemed right in saying that if Tamra had been hit, everyone would know probably about it by now (a nicely delivered toe-stubbing joke was made to illustrate this). I tended to agree with Jeana, but then again, when it comes to abuse, all bets are off. And besides, Simon really is awful — it’s not out of the realm of possibility that he could have acted out violently. But then again, there is always that “But wouldn’t you want to slap Tamra too?” argument.

Anyway, an angry Tamra eventually pulled out her cease and desist letter and flung it in Jeana’s face — an act that some might claim is on par with leash-tossing, I should note. Jeana flinched at first — like a cat getting spritzed with a water gun — and then she pawed at Tamra in the most lazy way. It was almost as if we could hear Jeana saying “You bitch, I’m gonna… eh, I’m tired now.”

Nevetheless, Jeana did take a few steps forward and threaten to throw Tamra in the pool. It was an empty threat but one that Tamra was more than happy to exploit for full drama. “Prove it!” Tamra said before her mother interceded and said, “Don’t touch my daughter!” Jeana then turned to her and said, “I’m not,” but that may have been lost because Tamra was simultaneously shrieking, “YOU BITCH!” This was followed by the much-anticipated red wine splashing, but oh, it didn’t end there.

Jeana, half blinded and confused, then flung her wine right back at Tamra, except Tamra had already fled the scene and the blonde Jeana thought was Tamra was actually an innocent bystander named (tragically) Mishel. Well, Mishel was understandably none too happy about the dousing, and so she tromped forward and shoved Jeana, nearly knocking her over (let’s be honest though — that wouldn’t be happening anytime soon).

At this point, two old school housewives, Quinn (inexplicably adorned in a garish blonde wig) and Tammy, tried to break up the fracas, but then came Jeana’s awful gay Ben — not to be confused with Gretchen’s awful gay or Alexis’s awful gay or Jeana’s OTHER awful gay (remember Frankie?). Anyway, Ben waltzed by Mishel and tossed his wine on her head as a show of loyalty to Jeana, and in response, Mishel chucked her wine at Ben, but she missed and kind of splashed Quinn — whose Godlike demeanor turned salty as she growled, “You just got my dress, GODDAMMIT.”

Around this point, Fernanda honed the ghost of Lynne and asked cluelessly, “Is everybody okaaaaay???” Shut up, Fernanda.

Anyway, Jeana and Ben briskly marched out of the party, but not before one last impasse with Tamra, who alerted Jeana that EVERYONE hated her. There were some words — “EVIL BITCH!” “Simon doesn’t act like this!” “YOU’RE GOING TO HELL” “YOU’RE THE MEANEST PERSON!” — but it was really Ben who trumped everyone by sneering, “That’s why you’re getting a divorce!” before throwing his wine glass down on the driveway as some attempted display of virile masculinity. He failed. Even Mariah Carey has a more impressive arm.

Nevertheless, Jeana escaped back to the confines of her home where she called Simon and bitched about Tamra before crying about the awfulness of it all. Tamra, meawhile, went and rallied support from all the other women, amusingly heightening the danger she claimed to have been in with each re-telling. At first it was merely that Jeana was going to toss her in the pool, and then it escalated to a lunge, and then practically a full-on assault. You know, I’m on her side when it comes to Simon, but this augmentation of the truth does not help her case. We saw it all on video, Tamra, and Jeana was NOT going to toss you into the pool.

The best part of all this, however, was Gretchen, who as usual was dressed like an egg yolk. The woman loves her yellow, and quite frankly, when she stood next to Tamra and her red dress, the two looked like they were a condiment bar come to life. Nevertheless, Gretchen was only too happy to remind Tamra that she had done to Gretchen what Jeana was now doing to her. Tamra seemed a bit stunned by that revelation, but we know Gretchen had just been waiting weeks for the perfect time to say it. And truthfully, it so hilariously took the wind out of Tamra’s sails that it almost made up for the wretchedly boring thirteen episodes of Gretchen this season. Almost.

And that pretty much ended that. The episode ended with the customary updates on all the women — Gretchen has been shopping for wedding dresses, Tamra is weeks away from finalizing the divorce, Peggy used to date Jim Bellino. Wait, WHAT??? How the heck could the producers slip that in at the very last second? That must have been some disturbing sex — at least visually.

Meanwhile, Briana received a little update at the end but no such love for Fernanda (unless i missed it). Fernanda has a bio on the Bravo site, but she was so boring that they didn’t even bother giving us an update about her. And yet Briana — she who had the most lame Vegas trip of all time — got an update. Ouch.

Here’s the photocap:

“This party is about to heat up, or as I like to call it TAMRA up. That’s why I wore red: I’m like a big ball of HOT thermometer liquid.”

“Hey Vick, I know you’re feeling emotional; so I’m bringing you booze! Because alcohol always makes people less emotional!”

Vicki: “I can’t be throwing this party! I have to work!! WORKING IS MY PARTY!”

“I may have just urinated on your bathtub.”

Vicki: “There, there Tamra. I’ll console you about your divorce, even though it’s been over a year while mine is less than twelve hours old. But that’s okay, we’ll talk about YOURS all you want.”

“So am I a housewife or no?”

Micah: “And then after that, I realized that the washing machine just could never be fixed… I’m sorry, Eddie, but is something wrong?”
“Nah. I’m just soaking you in. Feast for the eyes, you know?”

“My face has been frozen like this for six and a half years.”

“I’m so happy to be here. Oh, and look — there’s Tamra. She looks happy. That’s good. Divorce can be so tough, but hey, at least she’s GOOD AT IT.”

Jeana: “I hope everyone likes my dress. It’s actually just a really giant first place ribbon I sewed onto my body.”

Alexis: “Peggy, I don’t understand these so-called digs you say I keep making. Maybe if you had gotten a better boob job, you would realize how silly you sound!”

Alexis: “Seriously, if you don’t stop with this craziness (which, let’s face it — I do better), then I’m going to sic my TIm Curry gay on you.”
Peggy: “Oh, I can handle him. Do you even see him? He looks like he should be wearing a powdered wig and playing harpsichord.”
“I love the harp.”
“No, harpsiCHOR– never mind.”
“A woman’s place is not to play instruments, Peggy.”
“That’s ridiculous. Almost as ridiculous as your gay.”
“What do you mean by that?”
“I mean you have the worst gay here, and there are a LOT of bad gays here.”
“Um, have you seen Jeana’s?”
“Well played.”

“There you go. You are the best gay a girl could have! I want nothing but the best for you — except for marriage.”

“You know what would be awesome right now?? INSURANCE!”

Peggy: “I love your tattoo. It’s just so classy.”

Lady: “Oh, I forgot to tell you, Peggy, but Alexis says her tattoo is better than yours, even if you don’t have one.”

Peggy: “Don’t take this the wrong way, sweetie, but you sort of look like a melted traffic cone.”

“Let me ask you this, PEGGY: if we were both to jump off a cliff right now, who would glide to safety? That’s right: me. Alexis Couture wins again!”

Peggy: “I think if we both jumped off a cliff, we’d both die.”
“Oh, real intelligent. You’re so smart, you should run for PRESIDENT. Typical liberal modern woman…”

Woman: “And how are you, Vicki?”
“I’m great! Everything is perfect! It’s perfect!!”
“Great. I’m so glad this divorce business isn’t keeping you down.”
“Divorce? What divorce?”
“Ooops! I’m so sorry! I forgot we weren’t supposed to mention it.”
“Don’t worry. It’s totally fine. I’m fine. You’re fine. We’re fine.”
“Great!”
“YOU MOTHERFUCKING BITCH.”

Vicki: “What? There was a fight? Was everyone insured???”

Vicki: “Excuse me, but if you don’t compliment these two women for turning old Led Zeppelin posters into dresses, I will kick you out of this party!”

Peggy: “You go girl. My boobs approve.”

“This is my impression of an angler fish.”

“WATCH MY ANGLER FISH IMPERSONATION!!!”

Jeana: “Quite frankly, I think Simon’s angler fish is better.”

“MY ANGLER FISH IS AMAZING! DO YOU HEAR ME??”

Jeana: “Damn. Today was the wrong day to leave rubber cement on my forehead. A little help please?”

“UGH!!! What a waste of Charles Shaw!!!”

“My name is Mishel, and I know two things: 1) you just threw wine on me, and 2) my name is misspelled. Bring it, bitch!”

Mishel: “NnnnnnNNNGGH. That was a lot harder than it looked.”

“Excuse ME, Tammy Knickerbocker, but this dress is ruined. Ruined! You think Target is going to take this back now??”

Fernanda: “Hey, whaaa happen? Is it Carnivale?”

Tamra: “It’s not fair! They ALL have gays to console them. Where’s mine?”
Eddie: “Wow. This is awkward…”

“Well, it took three years, but I’m finally doing something interesting!”

Jeana’s gay: “I hate all these people. I hope they all die! C’mon, J, let’s go listen to Sheena Easton.”

Jeana’s gay: “You see this glass? I’m going to throw it three feet to show how MAD I am!”

“THERE! Well, two feet, but I made my point.”

Jeana: “The Monica Seles grunt was a nice touch.”

“You know, Jeana tried to throw me into the pool. Can you believe it? She’s a monster!”

“She actually lunged at me. LUNGED! That’s assault!”

“I don’t know if you guys saw this or not, but Jeana had brass knuckles, and she was ready to throw them right in my face!”

“I mean, she had a chainsaw. A chainsaw!”

“Let me tell you something: the moment I saw her pull out that shotgun, I knew I had to throw the wine.”

“Listen, you don’t mess around when you see Jeana wearing a bomb strapped to her waist. And you know it takes a lot of dynamite to span that stomach. Of course I threw the wine at her!”

“She had actually found an old fashioned cannon, lit a cannon ball, and aimed it right at my face. Outrageous!”

“I mean, I was terrified! She had actually conjured up a vortex to another dimension and was going to push me into it and then close off the portal for who knows HOW many years! What else was I supposed to do? I could have been stuck in opposite land! So I threw my wine at the bitch.”

“She LITERALLY poured gas on me, lit me on fire, took a picture, sent the picture to Life magazine, told them I was a protester self-immolating on behalf of the Sudan, won a Pulitzer for her work, earned respect and admiration for years to come, was profiled on a new prestigious but low-rated series called ‘Behind the Photo,’ and invited to lecture at the New School. Of course I threw the wine in her face!!!”

Gretchen: “So how does it feel to be a hypocrite?”

Tamra: “I hope, Alexis, you realize that you are the color love child of me and Gretchen right now.”

Alexis: “I mean, a female president? Women scientists? Dinosaurs? What sort of crazy world do we live in???”