It may be summer now, but we headed back to Thanksgiving on The Real Housewives of New Jersey last night. The Gorgas and the Giudices each made separate feasts with the former being for family and the latter for friends. There wasn’t much drama in the episode, but this latest installment proved to be highly entertaining in a rather wholesome way. First and foremost, the food looked amazing. Say what you will about these idiot women, but I get the sense they know how to cook — even Teresa and her inability to say “cumin.” Melissa put out a giant spread, and even more impressive was my favorite Kathy, who made a cannoli full of CANNOLIS. I know she’s a meddler, but how could you not love this woman? (especially when she began crying at the idea that her kids could ever be distant like Joe and Teresa).
While the Thanksgiving proceedings were generally benign, there was some light Gorga v. Giudice gossiping late in the episode. We learned about a rather tense family standoff that occurred recently. As you all might remember, Teresa and Joe had a giant housewarming party either last season or the year before, and afterwards, Melissa sent a passive-aggressive note (in bubble handwriting) congratulation her sister-in-law for her “redone” house. I’m not a Teresa fan, but I had to side with her that this was a dig. I mean, I didn’t really get it, but it was a dig.
So what did Teresa do? Well, when Melissa and Joe came over for Christmas, Melissa brought some sprinkle cookies that Teresa apparently hated. She happily told Melissa that no one liked the cookies and then threw them out. And we wonder why her children are such immature messes (well, Gia seems to be okay despite her parents). Clearly both these women are idiots and petty, but Teresa winds up in the loser category because for some reason, she somehow construed Cookiegate as taking the high road. I think we were all with Caroline, whose eyes filled with confusion upon hearing the story. Thankfully she told Teresa that she had been mean, but I’m not sure the Skinny Italian really understood why. Long story short: Teresa is a disaster.
Teresa also earned demerits for inexplicably thinking that Thanksgiving was a “European thing.” I don’t even know where to begin with that one.
Meanwhile, Melissa actually earned points in my book for a) pushing her husband to make amends with his sister, and b) telling a rather sweet and emotional story as to why she loves him so much (he reminds her of her late father, which can be taken in a perverted way, but I choose not to). Also, Melissa earned bonus points for having looked like Rhea Perlman in her youth.
Elsewhere in Jersey, we had Ashley, who was still whining about not having an apartment in the city. The commute was just too difficult for her, she claimed, but leave it to her cousin Christopher to remind her that about five million people commute from Jersey to New York City every morning. Poor Moonface just can’t get a sympathetic shoulder to cry on anywhere.
Lastly, we had the Manzos, who went up to Monroe, NY, to visit Lauren’s boyfriend’s parents. They seemed like a genial crew, and I certainly wanted to drop by their deli, but I couldn’t help thinking about what Albert soon articulated: Vito went to Fordham College just so he could slice meat at a deli? Seems a bit unambitious. But at least he and Lauren are cute together. Leave it to little Gia to try to stir shit up at the “Friendsgiving” table about their romance. TAKE A SEAT AND SHUT UP, YOU LITTLE BRAT! (I just keeeeding! Gia has been lovely this season. Same can’t be said for perpetual trainwreck Milania, who I suspect will be living out her Terrible Twos well into her thirties).
Anyway, all this Thanksgiving talk has made me hungry. Here’s the photocap:
Melissa: “Pineapples? Get outta here already with those things.”
Joe: “You don’t want pineapples? It breaks my heart that you don’t like pineapples. BREAKS MAH HEART!!”
“Everyone get out of the kitchen! I’m making a cannoli in the shape of a Na’vi elder.”
“Hey Joe. JOE! Go kill the turkey. JOE! KILL THE TURKEY!”
“I’m not killing the turkey, Tre.”
“Why not Joe? C’mon Joe. JOE!”
“Tre, I got on a beige jacket. I’ll get blood all over it.”
“Yeah? So? How you think I got my coat to look like this.”
“Ashley cleaned the kitchen? And her room? OUR Ashley? Someone call a neurologist. She’s clearly got a brain tumor.”
Melissa: “It’s times like these when I have to admit that I just LOVE chervil!”
“Look at us in our matching leopard! Hey, somebody’s gotta keep Kim D in business.”
“You know, it’s been a tough year, but that’s okay. We’re making due. For instance, tonight instead of wearing a fancy dress, I’m wearing a trash bag with glitter.”
“Do I see sprinkles? SPRINKLES?”
“YOU KNOW I HATE SPRINKLES, YOU PROSTITUTION-WHOO-AH!!!”
“But these are nice, I guess.”
“You guys are like my real friendses. I’m so glad I can celebrate this European holiday with alls you.”
“Hey Caroline. CAROLINE! Look at Juicy Joe carving the turkey. Isn’t he sexy? Hey Joe. JOE! You’re SEXY!”
“Dear Jesus, thank you for giving us this bountiful food and keeping us in good health. Also, thanks for the mechanical bull and keeping that whore Teresa out of my NEW — not redone — house.”
Rich: “I’m so hot for you. SIZZLIN’.”
“Let’s go to Pandora and live with the Na’vi.”
“Hey! HEY! Don’t smack your sister! You do NOT do that! Oh wait, you’re Melania. Never mind. You’re already a lost cause.”
“When the humans destroyed the hometree… I felt it in my soul. It’s not right, I tell you. It’s not right.”
“Hey Danielle, wherever you are, sleep with one eye open!”
“I will not clap.”
“UGH! Now I have the shits.”
What did you think about the Thanksgiving episode?