The three week Moroccan event continued last night on The Real Housewives of New York City, and the second installment saw the much-hyped fight between Jill and Ramoner. The two women had seemed to be getting along, but there was still plenty they needed to air out at the riad should they want to enjoy the rest of their vacation without a giant camel in the room.
Here’s how it went down: Ramona very nervously and very sincerely told Jill that her feelings were hurt because she felt Jill was being two-faced. Jill nodded, then asked for specific instances, and then went on the attack. What ensued was the most frustrating confrontation EVAR.
Here’s what made the fight so maddening: both women actually had valid emotional issues that needed to be addressed, but neither one was hearing the other. Jill didn’t really want to listen to what Ramona had to say until she got an apology about Scary Island (she was still bristling over having been rejected after her surprise appearance last year), and Ramona wasn’t about to apologize for Scary Island until Jill acknowledged that she was two-faced.
I must admit that I liked Jill’s point about being two-faced in order to remain civilized (because if everyone said whatever they felt, Jill claimed, we’d be stuck with a bunch of Ramonas). However, I think this was an oversimplification. It’s one thing to bite one’s tongue to be polite; it’s another to actively talk smack behind someone’s back.
Nevertheless, Ramona had a strong point of her own: when Jill was crying that Ramona had ruined her last chance to make up with Bethenny, Ramona happily reminded her that Jill lived JUST DOWN THE BLOCK. She didn’t need to go to the island to make peace. Furthermore, Ramona made a second, excellent point, which is that had LUANN not dragged Jill out of Ramona’s apartment prior to all of this, the two women probably would have made up.
Well, none of that happened, and now we were stuck with these two women bickering in circles. By the time the episode ended, it looked like their friendship was dunzo, but I’m hoping that with the screaming out of their system (and by “their,” I mean, “Jill’s”), they can now talk it over like adults. You know, like Cindy and Sonja did.
Backing up a bit, we had another major imbroglio this episode. Let me set the scene: the women were all piling into vans for a fanciful afternoon at the Souq when all of a sudden, LuAnn felt the need to hit the Little Countesses Room. “Save my seat,” she told Sonja quickly as she galloped away.
Here came Cindy Barshop, who seemed absolutely determined to sit where LuAnn had placed her clutch. When Sonja delivered the devastating news that she was saving the seat for the Countess, Cindy lost her shit. She exclaimed that no one could tell her what to do and then accused Sonja of being infantile (although, technically, I believe it was Cindy’s petty attitude over van seating that most exemplified juvenile behavior). Anyway, this ridiculousness somehow blew up into the biggest fight ever, causing the various women to switch from van to van like some awful slapstick movie from the ’40s (a slapstick movie I would certainly watch for hours on end, I should note).
Later, when the women arrived at the marketplace, Cindy decided to have it out with Sonja, who was already on edge thanks to the threat of pickpockets and rapists. The two began bickering, and even though Sonja tried to walk away, Cindy was not going to drop it. Finally, she called in the Countess, who delivered my second favorite line of the night: “Is this all going down at the souq?”
Needless to say, Cindy was on edge. Later, when the women all ate dinner in a tent in the desert, Cindy couldn’t handle all the cross-gab. There was an attempt to streamline the conversation by holding a mini-tagine, but of course, the moment that it fell into Cindy’s hands, she was immediately interrupted by one of the many drunken, ready-to-squawk mouths at the table. Honestly, it looked like everyone was having a blast. Cindy’s just kind of a Debbie Downer (even though it was Alex who brought the mood down with revelations of her father dying of Alzheimers — way to dismiss that, Countess).
As for my favorite quote of the night, that also came from LuAnn, who remarked, “Once the camel stopped seizing, the night was magical!”
The context for that line came from an adventurous camel ride that had LuAnn bucking and whooping with fear as her camel wisely attempted to eject her. I’m glad the Countess wasn’t hurt, especially because now it’s okay for us to laugh at her as she got shaken around like a rag doll. Better yet was her post camel rapture expression: she clasped her heart with her hand, paused, and then tossed her hair back dramatically. It’s a moment that will no doubt live on in drag queen infamy.
As for the rest of the episode, there was just too much for me to even capture here. I know I’ve omitted everything, but I just want to post this photocap already.
Kelly: “What the fortune teller is saying is that you are feeling nervous.”
LuAnn: “Kelly, I’ve got this: Ramona, your husband is leaving you. Maybe he saw how BITCHY you were, not sharing your David Meister contacts.”
Ramona: “Mario is a hot stud, and LuAnn wants to do him. That’s just wrong. No. You know what it is? Déclassé. Sorry. It’s déclassé!”
“Oh my GOODNESS, Ramona! I can’t believe you’re getting divorced!”
“Who said anything about a divorce?”
“Well, the fortune teller said there was another woman, and let’s face it, men are NO GOOD CHEATING ASSHOLES. If you need an attorney–“
“I’m not getting divorced.”
“Who gets custody of Avery? I CAN’T EVEN DEAL.”
“WE ARE STAYING TOGETHER!”
“Let it out, Ramona. Let it out. Divorce is never easy.”
“Listen, you are a crazy drunk, Sonja, and I love that about you. I LOVE THAT ABOUT YOU. Now, where are our sexy kaftans?”
“Oh look, ladies. Poors!”
Sonja: “I hate to break it to you, Cindy, but LuAnn asked me to save her seat.”
“Listen, I’m not going to take bullshit from anyone, let alone a grown woman dressed like a wedding cake.”
Cindy: “And as long as we’re having it out, I think we know the real reason why you’re clinging onto that bag of yours. YOU’RE TRANSPORTING STOLEN HANGERS!”
Cindy: “I mean, first you steal my hangers, then you tell me where to sit — this is the craziest thing I’ve ever seen. It’s like… seriously?”
“See, you could have nailed a joke right there.”
“You’re always so obsessed with jokes. It’s like… forget it.”
“Another punchline opportunity blown.”
Sonja: “Do you see that shifty man over there? I’m very concerned. My security is paramount. That’s why I decided to bring a giant bag that’s easy to pluck things out of.”
“You know what, Cindy? You have the worst manners! OUT OF MY SOUQ!”
Mustafa: “Just so you know, LuAnn called seat-back on this camel.”
Cindy: “WELL IT’S MINE NOW! I mean… seriously?”
LuAnn: “Isn’t this just a gas?”
Cindy: “It’ll be even more fun if this camel takes me to MY HANGERS.”
LuAnn: “What do you mean, you’re not riding a camel?”
Sonja: “Well, I was going to ride that one, but Cindy doesn’t respect the rules of camel-seat-back.”
Cindy: “I mean… seriously?”
“BAAAAAWWWBY, I covered this camel with ZAAAAAAAAArin FAAAAAAAbrics!”
LuAnn: “WooooAAAAhhhhoooooAAAAHHH!!! If this camel doesn’t settle down, I’m going to have to name him JACQUES!”
“Would you believe the camel tried to buck me off? Not in Morocco. NEVER IN MOROCCO!”
“Grabbing my boob? Well this man is HARDLY a gentleman. But I’ll do him.”
LuAnn: “Ladies, I’m so glad you all are here. Now let’s all speak over each other in three-two-one….”
Everyone: “BLAH BALH ABLHA BLAH BALLHA BALHAB LAHABALH BLAH MY FATHER DIED OF ALZHEIMERS BLAH BLAH BLAH BLHA.”
“Why does LuAnn always get to wear the miniature tagine on her head? I want to talk. I mean… seriously?”
“I’m such a dumb-dumb! I forgot to insult all the men guiding us with the camels!”
“As the wearer of the miniature tagine, I have the floor. First things first: would you believe what a downer Alex is? I mean, hang me with a noose already.”
Alex: “Well, I was just sharing–“
“Excuse me, but I have the tagine. Moving on: I think we can all agree that Ramona is a bitch. Yes?”
“Okay, Cindy, would you like the Tagine of Talk now?”
“Well, you’ll just have to wait your turn then. Here, Jill.”
Ramona: “What is that? Is that sexting? Is that what they call sexting?”
“No, this is Skyping.”
“Skyping? I don’t get it. What’s Skyping?”
“It’s when you use webcams to talk to each other.”
“No. I don’t like that. That’s not communication.”
“Well, it’s the best I can do.”
“Wait a second, are you Skyping with David Meister?”
“No. Of course not.”
“Because he’s my signature look. And I promised my very good friend Jeff Furman that I would never give up my contacts there, and then Cindy’s brother said, ‘I have a contact with David Meister too,’ and I thought ‘Why did he have to say that like that?’ I’m getting emotional now.”
“Um, do you mind? I’m trying to have cybersex.”
“So what you’re saying, Ramona, is that you just had violent diarrhea, and now you’re soaking in this hot tub?”
Sonja: “Oh gosh. I smell something.”
Ramona: “Oh that must be the Marrakech Surprise! Got one at the Souk when I was drunk. You know what they say: spicy going in, spicy coming out!!!”
Ramona: “Listen, how was I supposed to know you wanted to tickets to the Woody Allen movie and not Kung Fu Panda 2?”
“Until you apologize for dragging me to see Kung Fu Panda 1 AND 2, we can NEVER be friends!”
Jill: “Why would you think I would EVER want to see that movie???”
“I don’t know. I thought you liked pandas.”
“She hates pandas!”
Whose team are you on? Ramona or Jill? And furthermore, Cindy or Sonja?