And so the adventure begins! The much-hyped Moroccan vacation on The Real Housewives of New York City kicked off last night with an hour of hilarious, petty squabbles. There was no epic drama, but that’s okay. We have plenty of time for that. Right now we just have the pure joy of watching these women attempt to all travel together, and that’s more than entertaining enough for me.
Bravo amusingly split the tribes up into the blondes vs. the brunettes, with the latter crew arriving in Morocco first. LuAnn seemed to be totally in her element, gladly taking on the role of hostess without any hesitation. The ladies settled in on their first day quite easily with nary a complaint. Even Kelly seemed to be more or less in a sane place.
Then came Ramona.
Arriving the next day on plane #2 were Ramona, Alex, and Sonja. Alex seemed to be fine, but the other women touched down in Africa and immediately commenced the cringe-worthy comments. Ramona bemoaned the dust and poverty. Sonja fretted that savage natives would attack their van. It was pretty bad.
When they finally arrived at the riad, they were full of demands. Ramona wanted a lady to help her unpack, Sonja wanted to guard her luggage, and Alex just wanted to get the hell away from everyone for some much needed R&R. I can’t imagine what it must be like to fly with Ramona and Sonja, but I imagine it’s exhausting. Funny story: I once was on a plane with Vicki Gunvalson to Paris. That’s it. She sat too far away from me for there to be anything exciting to share.
Anyway, when Ramona did manage to unpack, the ladies were all shocked to discover that she had brought her finest slut-ware. Memo to Ramona: for someone awfully scared about returning from Morocco in a body bag, it’s usually a good strategy to wear something that won’t offend EVERYONE.
The biggest scandal of the day, however, came when Cindy sauntered up to her closet and discovered that many of her hangers were (gasp) MISSING!!!! (double gasp!!) Cindy immediately went on a rampage and accused Ramona and Sonja of stealing her hangers, which led to Ramona hilariously calling Cindy an “asshole” during an interview. Luckily, LuAnn saved the day by appearing out of nowhere with a HUGE amount of hangers — clearly stolen from Cindy. I was shocked that the Countess didn’t automatically berate Ramona for hanger impropriety, but even she had to admit that Cindy was being ridiculous.
Luckily, LuAnn had several more opportunities to lash out at Ramona, starting with the curious choice of Ramona and Sonja opting to drive around the countryside to relax. It truly was strange, but at least it afforded us a random interlude wherein Kelly simply BASHED Sonja and her townhouse. I enjoyed it.
Of course, when Sonja and Ramona returned, they were wasted, which absolutely horrified the Countess, who had gone to the trouble of arranging to have caftans made for the women by the top designer in all of Morocco. Of course, Ramona took that opportunity to employ the designer as her servant, causing dropped jaws all around (including here in the U.S.).
Later, the women went off to a party held by none other than Jill’s gay husband Brad, who claimed to have had a house in Morocco. Turns out he was staying at a bed and breakfast of some sort, which is a big difference, but hey, at least the party looked fun. There was a snake coiling about, and a fortune teller came around and told Ramona that Mario was having an affair. Yay! The fortune teller only spoke French, and when she said “une autre femme,” Kelly refused to translate it. LuAnn, however, was only too happy to blurt out “ANOTHER MAN!” I guess that’s what you get when you don’t share your contacts at DAVID MEISTER, RAMONA!
Other fun things from the party: Sonja continuing to be totally wasted, Cindy being mad that Sonja told the story about going downtown and NOT eating at Cipriani’s, Ramona saying “funny antidote” instead of “funny anecdote,” and LuAnn somewhere in the mix pronouncing “buffet” like “BOO-FAY.”
I’m sure I’ve omitted many other wonderful parts of this silly episode. I guess that means I’ll have to go watch it again!
“HIIIIEEEEE!!! I’m in First Class!!! BYEEEEE!!!!”
LuAnn: “Ladies, is anyone else pretending this chair is Jacques? No? Is that just me?”
Cindy: “Let’s get this vacation started! I can’t wait to sit by the pool, take in the culture, and enjoy a closet full of hangers as far as the eye can see!!!!!”
“Oh my gosh. The passenger next to me is just AWFUL. Totally encroaching on my personal space. Oh wait… wait… never mind. It’s just a pillow.”
“I don’t know if I like this tea. It’s about as disappointing as a closet with minimal hangers.”
Kelly: “Isn’t Ramona terrible?”
“If she even LOOKS at my hangers. It’s like… seriously?”
“See, I would have said ‘If she even looks at my hangers, I’ll stick one in her eye.’ Or something like that.”
“Really? Getting comedy tips from Kelly? I mean… seriously?”
Jill: “I’m telling you, if Ramona shows up and she’s dressed like a tennis ball too, I will be SO mad!”
“I’ll send her right back to New York. I’ll say ‘Young lady, please show some class. You are in a FOREIGN country. You know, she just thinks the world is her BOO-FAY sometimes.”
“I don’t get this Moroccan tennis situation. So wrong that I want to hit the ball off the court?”
Sonja: “I hope some sultan drops by and puts it in me. Not before I get my luggage out of the trunk though.”
Alex: “I am embarrassed in so many ways right now.”
Ramona: “HAHAHAHAHHAAHAHA, poverty.”
“I’m just… just checking on the luggage! Just seeing that it’s okay… I trust you, but… you know… just seeing the ol’ luggage… I… I’ve been to royal palaces, you see. Perhaps you’ve heard of the Excalibur Casino and Resort? I was very honored…”
“I know you must think I’m crazy to be so paranoid about my luggage, but you must remember that I was the Grand Marshall of a gay pride event. People are just clamoring for my stuff.”
“I need you to help me. No, you’re doing it wrong. You have to hold it this way. If you hold it that way, it looks cheap. No, it doesn’t look cheap. It looks déclassé. Sorry! It does. Have you tried my skincare? You could use it.”
“I find it AWFULLY convenient that the moment you ladies arrive, my hangers go missing.”
“Hangers? What hangers?”
“YOU KNOW WHAT YOU DID. I mean… seriously?”
“Darlings, shhhhh… I just stole all these hanger from Cindy. Quick: TAKE THEM!”
Alex: “No offense, LuAnn. But they’re hangers. Why are you holding them in such a disorganized way?”
“Oh Jill, you simply must come to my party tonight!”
“Where is it?”
“Oh, at my house. Well, it’s not really my house as much as it is my PALACE! I’m kind of the King of the this country.”
“Wow. A palace?”
“Yeah. Your friend Sonja once stayed with me.”
“Would you believe Ramona and Sonja are already drunk? What do they think this is? A VACATION?”
“I mean, not at the riad! NEVER AT THE RIAD!”
“Do you like my hair, Jill? I did it myself.”
“Wow. Congratulations on having basic life skills.”
“It looks horrific by the way.”
“I… I have GLANDS!!! Everyone look. I have GLANDS!!!!!”
“Ladies, I have a surprise for you. The greatest designer in all of Morocco is here, and he wants to make you ALL garments that you’ll never wear again.”
“By the way, everyone gets a caftan except Ramona. She apparently already has her own signature caftan maker who she won’t share. Bitch.”
Sonja: “Awfully big house to have no help. Where are the dancing interns?”
Ramona: “I’m just going to ring this imaginary bell. Do you think they come to us on flying carpets?”
Sonja: “Oh I don’t care. As long as whatever shows up has a cocktail and a penis, I’ll be fine.”
Alex: “I am a LUMBERJACK IN A COCKTAIL DRESS!”
LuAnn: “Isn’t this just marvelous?”
Ramona: “Oh yes. But why do they keep throwing stones at me?”
“Would you believe she showed me a snake? ME! A SNAKE! How nasty! The manners on that one.”
“Hey Ramona, guess what? I gave your koala tchotchke to the snake. And guess what? He ATE it!”
“So the fortune teller, she says to you, um, toaster cookbook will be big bomb. Huge.”
“Also, fortune teller ask you leave now. You make burkha smell like Schnapps.”
“There’s another woman? She must be thinking of Cameron Diaz. I get mistaken for her a lot now with my new haircut. You know, I’m renewed now. WHERE’S MY PINOT GRIGIO?”
What do you think about the Moroccan adventure yet? Were Sonja and Ramona within their right to get bombed in the afternoon? And who do we think stole Cindy’s hangers?