This week’s episode of Real Housewives of New York City was all about mending fences… and building new ones. Hmmm… mixed metaphor? Perhaps. The point is that we had some significant truces called, including between Alex and Jill. Yes, the mortal enemies who never seemed like they could ever co-exist in the same room without clawing at each other’s eyeballs found some peace and resolution. Even more impressive: it seemed like it was f’real. I actually believed these two had finally finally addressed their issues, and as much as I liked watching their feud, it was surprisingly cathartic to see them embracing each other. It’s amazing how stressful a reality TV fight can be!
Basically, Jill owned up to her terrible behavior of the last year, and while Alex was still hesitant to forgive, she kept herself open to it — an outlook Jill could have benefited from last year when she was fighting with Bethenny. Of course, there are thousands of viewers out there who insist that Jill’s apology tour is an insincere attempt to improve her own image, and while I believe part of that may be true, I also don’t fault her for seeing how horrific she was and wanting to fix it. I, for one, am eager to welcome Jill back into the fold. People forget that she was one of the most beloved housewives EVAH before last season.
Similarly, Sonja used to be the best of the best, but her cool cred has taken a plunge this season with one self-absorbed and haughty scene after another. Her only saving grace is that she simply can’t be BOTHERED to be concerned about how she’s being perceived. As terrible as she can be (and she’s been pretty damn terrible this season), you can’t help being totally amused by Sonja’s antics.
Plus, Sonja still does a lot of funny things. At the top of the episode, she did a spot-on Ramona impersonation that was so accurate, it nearly undid four episodes of bad Sonja behavior. Plus, she managed to get another dig at Quogue in before we were even three minutes into the show. How could we hate her?
Even better, Sonja lived up to her word and managed to broker a peace between Kelly and Ramona — a seemingly impossible task, but good ol’ Sonja can do anything.
Yes, she was wonderful.
And then the rest of the show happened.
As you may remember, Sonja had wanted to have Ramona and Kelly over at her house to observe some toaster oven cuisine, a strange new hobby which I fear may lead to an ill-advised cookbook:
The good news for Sonja was that she still got to show off her prowess with the toaster oven to LuAnn. The bad news was that Cindy had destroyed Sonja’s initial plans by telling Kelly it was a setup to get her in a room with Ramona. Cindy swore Kelly to secrecy, but of course Kelly went and told Sonja, and then Sonja got mad at Cindy.
This week, Sonja had Cindy over to her house for tea and berating. First she employed the royal we by saying that what “we’ve learned” is that Sonja can’t tell Cindy things in confidence. Ouch. Sonja then took Cindy to town for not having supplied Ramona with Pinot Grigio at the party in Quogue the week prior. Oh the HORRORS. This was really where Sonja started to go down to the shitter again. I understand she was peeved at Cindy about her meddling (not to mention dancing with the help), but when Sonja announced that there was a pecking order that needed to be respected and followed, I think we all were Barshopping our jaws — as in, leaving them dangling for inordinate amounts of time.
The most extraordinary thing about all this was that Sonja then placed RAMONA at the top of the pecking order. Wha-whaaaa?? Love her or hate her, Sonja 2.0 is nothing short of surprising. Yes, because Ramona is at the top of the power list, it was imperative for Cindy to provide her with Pinot. Of course, anyone with any semblance of class would know that it’s DÉCLASSÉ to expect and demand drinks set out for you, even if the hostess of the event had texted you prior about said drinks being available.
Perhaps the only one who seemed to grasp this point was LuAnn, who happily chided Ramona for being such a needy guest. This, of course, after LuAnn grumbled to us about how Ramona’s jewelry party felt like a Mary Kay event. Clearly the takeaway is that one only complains BEHIND one’s back.
Amusingly, The Countess took great pleasure in quietly turning her nose up at Ramona’s jewelry while simultaneously wearing a necklace that may or may not have served as a Medieval chest plate in a past century. Someone should call The Cloisters and ask if they’re missing any inventory.
Of course, it wasn’t an Medieval chest plate — knights don’t wear golden-plated butterflies — but I’m not totally convinced LuAnn hasn’t merely repurposed an ashtray she found in a second-hand shop on her way back from Quogue. But you know what? I may make fun, but that necklace could save LuAnn’s life someday — much as DJ Tanner’s oversized tie clip saved her dad’s life in one episode of Full House (that happened, right?).
As for Cindy, she emerged from the meeting all disheveled, which would explain why she was so inarticulate when she tried to have a one-on-one with Ramona. I guess she wanted to clear the air about… something? I think it was related to Cigar-gate. Anyway, the two ladies sat down for lunch, but Cindy was so flustered that Ramona just up and left finally. That’s good communicatin’!
Jill and Alex may be on the up and up, but it looks like a whole lot of shit is going down!
Jill: “Look. I got you all gifts from Australia. It’s a Koala bear.”
Sonja: “Oh how AWFUL!”
“What’s wrong with a koala bear?”
“Oh, KOALA. I thought you said ‘QUOGUE-ALA’ bear.”
“Jill, you missed so much. Sonja went on a power trip, Cindy had a party in Quogue of all places, this one on my right was doing sand angels, and Ramona called me a weekend mom. I mean, how awful can our group be! Oh I just kid, darlings.”
Sonja: “Alright, these drinks have been fun, but when the HELL are we going to Ciprianis?”
“Why is it so hard to find good help these days? The new boy I got to fold my pillowcases? He won’t even paint a portrait of me on his free time!”
Alex: “So do you like your birthday present?”
Simon: “François? Did you hear mummy?”
François: “I’m sorry. I’m just trying to pretend it’s a remote control car, much like the one I had asked for un, deux, even TROIS times!”
Sonja: “Ramona, we’re so glad you’re here.”
Kelly: “Yes. We want to give you an INVENTION!”
Sonja: “No, dear. An INTERvention.”
Kelly: “That’s what I said.”
“No, you said ‘invention.'”
“I know what I said.”
“You’re very sweet, Kelly, but not very bright. You know that.”
“And I also know that I said ‘intervention.'”
“Ugh. This is the QUOGUE of arguments.”
“Do you guys like my outfit? It’s very downtown. See? It has a seam across my chest. VERY downtown. VERY renewed.”
Sonja: “Yes. Now sit down. You’ve been standing like that for thirty minutes.”
“Oh, that’s because I’m also showing off my new career as a mime. Look, I’m in a box. A very downtown box.”
“You can’t talk if you’re a mime.”
“You know, I want to be known as the first outspoken mime.”
Kelly: “Then you’re not a mime.”
“Kelly, you’re not making any sense. You’re being crazy.”
“Look at you. A dancing butler. Are all butlers like this? It’s like… whatever.”
“Wow, you could have gone so many ways with that joke.”
“Yeah. I tend to lose steam after the setup.”
“I’m sorry I didn’t have Pinot on hand for Ramona.”
“You don’t understand, Cindy. Ramona controls us all. She is our hive brain. If she doesn’t have her wine, I have a cramped uterus for three days. No lie.”
“There’s a pecking order, Cindy. And it goes like this: Ramona, me, LuAnn, Ramona again, Jill, Kelly, Alex, Mario, Avery, my dog, QUOGUE, my spam filter, and then you.”
“Darling, what is this horrific jewelry you’re wearing? Don’t you have anything a bit more brassy and oversized butterfly-ish?”
Ramona: “She had no Pinot for me at the party, LuAnn.”
“Yessss, but you also have to consider the fact that she doesn’t OWE you the Pinot, especially since you’re objectively AWFUL. Oh, did I say that out loud?”
Sonja: “I just hope we’re clear on something: I want each and every one one of you hunky firemen to save me if I’m ever caught in a blaze. That is, unless I’m in Quogue. Then I’d want to just GO DOWN IN FLAMES RATHER THAN STAY ALIVE ONE MINUTE MORE IN THAT HELL HOLE.”
“Does anyone realize I’m still on this show?”
“You ladies with your pecking order, it’s like… really? A pecking order?”
“Yeah, that just wasn’t funny.”
“Okay, how about this: I mean a pecking order? What are we? In kindergarten? I mean… really?”
“I mean, the pecking order. I don’t know…”
“I want you to think about the setups to your joke, and really try HARD to make a punchline. Something zippy.”
“Okay: so I’m just staring at Sonja, and she’s staring at me, and it’s like… whatever. I don’t know. NAILED IT!”
“I can’t help her.”
“Jill, I know that we’re turning over a new leaf and all, but I’m not sure now is the time to write to Justin Bieber.”
Jill: “This feels so good. It really does.”
“I can’t wait until our next fight.”
What did you think about the episode?