Heeeere we go! The Real Housewives of Miami premiered last night, and I’m sorry to report that it wasn’t terribly caliente. I’m not writing it off by any means, but the first episode was a bit on the slow side. Already people on Twitter and Facebook are comparing it unfavorably to D.C., but even that much maligned season had some great stuff in its premiere (the salons integrating? Cat bashing Tyra Banks in front of Stacie?). Miami, however, was quiet on the drama front. Then again, Beverly Hills had a tame premiere, and look how that turned out. Beverly Hills also had significantly more compelling characters too though, and even without drama in its debut, we could tell we were in for some amazing times.

Nevertheless, Miami has potential. Lea looks to be a mess in the best way, and if nothing else, hopefully we’ll get plenty of Marysol’s mother to keep things interesting.Much of this premiere episode was dedicated to introductions. And let me tell you something, the introductions never stopped. We hit the thirty minute mark, and there were still new women popping up. At times it felt like the never-ending cast. Plus, they all seemed to say the same thing. Each woman seemed to take great pride in saying how much she loved music and loved dancing. Okay, we get it. You’ve got Latin flava.

First we met Lea, who described herself on a conference call last week as the token “gringa” of the group. She’s on the older side of the cast spectrum, and from the looks of it, she doesn’t care about what comes out of her mouth or who’s offended. There are definitely touches of Vicki Gunvalson in this woman, and based on her neurotic potential, I’m going to give her my full endorsement (for now).

We then met Scottie Pippen’s wife Larsa, who was both beautiful and quietly bitchy. I like that she has four super cute kids, and I like that she knows what she wants, but damn, I would not want to cross her. I’m sure the claws come out the moment anyone goes near Scottie. Plus, she has these passive-aggressive ways of putting people down that are kind of amazing, kind of awful. Case in point: when Adriana — the resident Brazilian — decided to walk an empty runway for no reason, Larsa informed us that she wouldn’t have had the balls to do such a thing. Translation: bitch is an idiot, and I don’t want to be her friend.

Speaking of Adriana, the jury’s out on her. There are some aspects of her that I enjoy — her love of art, breakfast spoons — and then other aspects that I don’t — her love of drama, more drama. Chances are she’ll piss me off in no time, but given that she adds some life into the proceedings, I’m down with her for now.

We also met Cristy, a former NBA wife, who was chirpy, snarky, pretty, but kind of forgettable. She continued the inexplicable Housewives trend of consulting a psychic, a practice that I only see on these shows. And for the record, I have yet to see any of these psychics say anything concrete about anyone. It’s all general fuzziness à la “You will meet someone, and you will like him. Maybe not now, but eventually.” THANKS. We need some hardcore Allison DuBois shit up in here. You know, the kind of reading that will tell you when you’ll DIE. KNOW THAT!

Of course, if I have to choose a favorite medium, it would have to be cast member Marysol’s mother, a larger-than-life, borderline drag-queen figure whose brief appearance stole the entire episode. The woman, who speaks in a low drawl and looks about ready to pass out from one too many fried plantains, was beyond hilarious. She needs to have half an hour of air time devoted to her every week. If Bravo knows what’s right — and they often do — they’ll do this.

As for Marysol, she was aiiight. I utterly enjoyed her neuroses over the kitchen mandolin, but that face. THAT FACE! I try to veer away from superficial comments and such, but I can’t ignore Marysol’s giant, distended face. She makes Taylor Armstrong look understated. Anyway, Marysol’s whole thing is that she’s dating a man ten years younger than her, and she has trouble remembering that the weekend begins AFTER Friday, not before.

Lastly, we have Alexia, who I actually dig in a weird way. At first glance, she looks like a hot, late-twenties woman. At second glance, we see that she’s actually got some wear and tear going on. Usually I deride women who dress entirely too young (especially those who make convoluted Barbie analogies), but Alexia makes it work. Her parenting choices seem a bit strange — after all, she barely bats an eye when her seventeen year old model son (who I thought was her hot boy-toy at first) says he’s going to get bottle service at a club and stay out until 5 AM. Did I mention he’s seventeen? You know what I was doing when I was seventeen? Watching movies on VHS and then grabbing french fries at the Bedford Diner afterwards. I was totally a teenage Liz Lemon — except for that time I got busted by the po’ po’ for underage drinking. YEAH. I’m hardcore like that.

Anyway, I have a feeling that Alexia will not stay on my good side for long, but for now I like her (and I also like her sensitive younger son who finds wonder in a book about shoes).

Overall, not an amazing premiere, but there’s potential for wackiness. This show was originally supposed to be called Miami Social Club until it was repurposed into The Real Housewives of Miami, and methinks that if these women knew they were taping for the Real Housewives franchise, they would have upped the drama. I guess we’ll see how it all unfolds…

On to the photocap…

Lea: “Look, I got us a Matisse. But you know, I didn’t really like it; so I painted a quail on it! Isn’t it GRAND now?”

“This is great. Now I know what to do if Scottie ever tries to leave me. WHICH HE WILL NOT DO.”

“Hey!! I’m Cristy! I’m Cuban! I love music! And I love to dance! Also, I’m 19.”

“Hola. I’m Alexia. I’m Cuban; so you know how it is: I love music, I love dancing, and I love talking about loving music and dancing.”

“Just another fun day shopping. That’s what I love. You know, I’m Cuban. I love music, I love to dance, I love wearing ridiculous sunglasses indoors.”

Adriana: “So one of the big differences between New York and Miami Fashion Weeks is that in New York, we would be seated, how you say, OUTSIDE the tent.”

Adriana: “I love that handsome man.”
Cristy: “I love those shoes.”
Larsa: “I love reminding people that I’m married.”

“Oh haiiii everyone. It’s just me, Adriana. You know how I am. I’m Brazilian. I love music, I love to dance, I love awkwardly walking down runways for no reason.”

“Cheers to being Brazilian, which of course means loving music, dancing.”
“Excuse me, that’s what being Cuban is all about.”
“Yeah, but do you love to DANCE?”
“And do you love to MUSIC?”
“So you are Brazilian, no?”

“Look at me with these guuuyssss!!! This is what I love! You know, I’m Brazilian. I love music. I love to dance. I love gangbangs.”

“Okay, you eat your breakfast, and afterward, we go to club together, get drunk, and maybe hookup. But nothing crazy. I’m still your mama.”

“Why do people keep comparing me to Bowser’s aircraft?”


“No more martinis for me. You see how big this head is? One more drink, and it’ll roll right off!”

“Mama, I want you to do a reading on my boyfriend.”

“Nnnnnnnngh. He niiiiiice. Niiiice mang.”

“I know, but what else?”

“Eees not good enough?”

“Will it work out?”

“Of course. He is eh-yoocay-yed.”


“Whaa you think I say?”

“I wasn’t sure.”

“Bring me Princess Leia.”


“How is sex with your mang?”


“I so drunk. I neee a mang too.”

“You’ll find one.”

“Of course I will. We are Cuban. We love music, we love to dance.”

“When I found out my husband had another wife, I was furious. I’m Brazilian, you know. I love music. I love to dance. I do NOT love secret babies. But I bet those secret babies love music, dancing.”

What did you think about the premiere? Who are your favorites? Who do you hate?

21 replies on “REAL HOUSEWIVES OF MIAMI PHOTOCAP: Bienvenedos a Miami”

  1. OMG, Bowser’s aircraft!! nailed it! cannot stop LOL. Once again Bside, you came thru with a great photocap on the Housewives franchise.

    Idk about you but I could not understand Cristy at all. She talked too fast and mumbled too much for me to understand much of what she was saying.

  2. I liked it a lot. It has that laid back Miami feel. Everyone is sorta drunk and bitchy but really just want to be chill and party. We’ll see how it plays out over the season. I love the older white woman too.

  3. You’re so right about Marysol/Marysol’s Mother’s face: Taylor must be so happy to have Bravo fans marveling at someone else’s otherworldy-ish face parts. The whole time I was watching Marysol’s Mom, I kept thinking: Purebred Persian Cat.

  4. With Marysol’s mother, definitely thought of Jocelyn Wildenstein. Holy. hell.

    With the exception of Alexia’s cute (and underage…please, Chris Hansen, don’t ask me to take a seat) son, I wasn’t too impressed, but remain “cautiously optimistic” (thanks Camille). I’ll give the next episode another shot and see what happens.

    Definitely LOVED this recap though!

      1. Possibly the love-child of all of the above. Either way, now I go to sleep half-expecting to get Freddy-Kreuger’d on my ass, thanks to that face.

  5. I loved that Lea thought her son had Hobbit sized feet in his portrait. She reminds me of Kim G. on RHONJ because you can feel the craziness that is simmering just under the surface.

    I did not love that Alexia wants to be her children’s friend and not their Mother. We have all seen how well that works for other housewives (I am looking at you Lynne Cuffs of Love). She also cringed me out on WWHL when she said she had a crush on The Bieber because he reminds her of her son. EWWWWWW.

    Elsa Patton is the Elka Ostrovsky of Miami. I love them both.


        1. I would love to take credit but alas it was not me. When I heard Andy say Honeybunny (and before he said the numbers afterward) I had the full body seizure/thrill. So close to my 15 seconds of fame. Once again eluded.


  6. Episode was a little lackluster but these have to be some of the hottest housewives (even though they are a little plastic), well most of them anyway. I bet the other cities housewives are going to be pissed when they have to interact with them for Bravo functions.

  7. They’re no Beverly Hills, but I like the cast so far. However, a few of them just seem too into themselves.

    1. Lea – My fave so far. Very passive-aggressive and just the right person to bring the others down when they get too narcissistic.

    2. Adriana – Definitely the crazy one. I would also have been very embarrassed if I were with her at that fashion show. Good for the show.

    3. Alexia – Funniest part of the show for me was when she seemed happy that her son would probably be dependent on her for the rest of his life. Um, let’s see if it’s still cute when he’s 35yrs old and still wants you to order for him.

    4. Christy and Larsa – Typical athlete wives. I’m not impressed.

    5. Marysol – Seems like she has insecurity issues. I can already tell her supposed fiance will be a shady character who’s trying to use her.

  8. Reminded me of Basketball Wives… lots of hot women…who pretend to love each other until one of them walks away… and beautiful shots of Miami.

    I also thought Marisol’s mom looked just like the plastic surgery legend Cat Lady.

  9. “We need some hardcore Allison DuBois shit up in here. You know, the kind of reading that will tell you when you’ll DIE. KNOW THAT!”

  10. I finally got to see the episode and the thing that struck me was that one of the women (Lea?) kept talking about how she “collects people”????? Is she actually a serial killer, cause it was way creepy…….

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