Whoever contrived the idea of sticking Kim Zolciak and Kandi Burruss on a tour bus together is a genius. This goofy, silly, and highly improbably story line, which has now extended over two episodes, has been nothing but a hilarious trainwreck (which is ironic since they’re on a bus, I suppose). It all comes down to Kim, who has grown more impossibly spoiled and ridiculous in this third, amazing season of The Real Housewives of Atlanta. This frightful creature with the giant orbs of silicone on her chest and golden tresses of hair atop her head has become a force of nature, and I frequently alternate between loving and hating her for it. How can you not be repulsed by her diva behavior (which Kandi assured me once was absolutely NOT an act for the cameras)? But simultaneously, how can you not be utterly amused by the idiocy of chain smoking from singing gig to singing gig?
Along for the ride has been a hodgepodge of people, including but not limited to Sweetie, Kim’s sidekick / assistant / gofer / doormat / enabler. From what we’ve seen of Sweetie, we can tell that she’s sassy, patient with some (Kim), impatient with others (everyone else), and not necessarily the best influence. The two women gab and yell at each other, and while I actually don’t find Kim’s behavior outrageously abusive (half of it seems to be a big inside joke between them), I wouldn’t necessarily volunteer to be Ms. Zolciak’s assistant.
Nevertheless, the entire situation has proven to be highly combustible, with various people laying into Kim and Sweetie at various times. First to lose his cool was Don Juan, Kandi’s surly assistant. He went off on Kim any number of times last episode. Next was Kandi herself, who confronted the girls from the door of the bus. Last, but certainly not least was NeNe, who inexplicably joined the tour for one stretch between Orlando and Miami.
It’s not really clear why Nene was so angry, but I’ll chalk it up to being hungover and forced to be in a confined space with Kim (an admittedly awful situation for anyone to be in). Nevertheless, Nene started up with Kim after Kim requested that Don Juan and Sweetie get rooms at an estate they’d be staying at in Miami. The only problem was that the Miami portion of the trip was actually a bachelorette party getaway weekend for Cynthia and the girls (a.k.a. the rest of the cast, NOT Sweetie and Don Juan). Nene loudly denied Kim’s request for the extra rooms, and soon the two were screaming at each other. Things got real ugly, real quickly as Nene accused Kim of referring to Sweetie as her slave, and in return, Kim called Nene an intern at the local news station.
Nene most certainly did not appreciate the demotion to intern status by Kim and in fact responded with some very big news: apparently she actually RAN the news over there. Good to see that both these women were keeping their wits about them. Fingers were pointed, heads swiveled, and soon Nene was right up in Kim’s face, yelling and screaming. In the end, Kim announced that her friendship with Nene was over, which I believed about as much as someone telling me Kim was due for a #1 smash hit song.
Whatever the state of Nene and Kim is, I think we all can expect a rocky bachelorette party in Miami. Poor Cynthia already has enough on her plate, what with her financial woes. I think I may be the only one in America to say this, but I actually really enjoy the Cynthia story lines, and I imagine the stress of having no money to pay for the big wedding in ten days must be difficult. Then again, she and Peter shouldn’t have arranged a lavish wedding on spec. And even furthermore, I’m not so sure they should have dumped all their money into a club. Isn’t the first rule of thumb that you should never invest in your own company? Or something like that? Who knows. Whatever the situation, I think we can all agree on one thing when it comes to Peter and Cynthia: that SUCKS. Maybe they should return to actor-turned-relationship-advisor Hill Harper for some tips. And if that fails, there’s always Tiy-E Mohammed.
On to the photocap…
“Hey, um, Sweetie, I’m not a morning person; so can you keep it down? I’m having a hard time hearing Kim career flush down the toilet.”
“Hi everyone, and welcome to my show. As we all know, this is the NeNe News, and BAM! Breaking News! Kim’s on tour! Child, what’s a mess like Kim doing on tour? BAM! Now the weather!”
“Are y’all telling me you haven’t heard ‘Tardy for the Party?’ Jermaine, child, let me tell you: you will laaaaaaaaugh laugh laugh.”
Sweetie: “That’s not nice what NeNe said.”
Kim: “Is it possible to eat a laptop?”
“I’m gonna fuckin’ be the next Mariah Carey [hack hack hack]”
“I miss my daughters… who I abandoned so I can lipsync in strip malls.”
“I’m bored. Y’all better get me one of them fat-removing lasers again. And some Chick Fil-A.”
Apollo: “You know, I would take care of this baby more, but oh well! My pecs don’t give out milk. Not my problem. See ya, baby!”
“Honey, I’m packing your clothes, and I’m using my own signature line of suitcases. You may have heard of it: Luggage By LuggagÃ©.”
“Ricky Gervais said what?”
“First Sherayay performs in a gymnasium, then Kim sings in a strip mall? These are not venues appropriate to the Entertainment Reporter for Action News 11.”
“Y’all don’t mind if I just stand here while the track plays, right? Singing is just so stressful, y’all!”
“Hey Kim! KIM! Your song SUCKS!! Love you, boo!”
Cynthia: “What do you mean we’re not skiing? I wore my goggles and everything!”
Kim: “You should mind your own business. I talk to Sweetie the way I talk to my own daughter!! Speaking of which, BRIELLE! BRIELLE!!!! Bring momma her fightin’ wig. BRIIIIEEEELLLLE!!!!!!”
“And I am telling YOU, I’m not goin’!”
Kim: “Not fair, Nene. Every time we fight you quote Dreamgirls.“
“And you! And you! YOU’RE GONNA LOVE ME!!!!!”
What did you think about the episode?