There wasn’t a lot of drama on the latest episode of The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills, but there certainly was poignancy, thanks to the sad, decrepit state of Taylor’s marriage to alleged cowboy Russell. These two barely seem to be connecting, and when she dragged her limp noodle of a husband to Kyle’s apparently awesome White Party, he sucked all the fun out of whatever corner they happened to be occupying (which admittedly was not a large corner, on account of Taylor’s twig-like frame). In the past I’ve used words such as “vapid” and “useless” to describe Tay-Tay, but I must admit that as the season develops, I’ve grown intrigued by her character. Her vapidity isn’t so much a representation of what she has to offer but rather a tragic defense mechanism she uses to cope with what is clearly a loveless marriage on the way outs (according to the editing, at least). Even the biggest hater of Lips McGee had to feel some sort of pain for her as she stood alone and morosely at the valet, waiting for a cab to take her back to Russell and his poison dog.
In stark contrast to Taylor and Russell (Taysell? Russlor?) we had Kyle and Mauricio — the epitome of a loving couple (or at least as much as a show like this has to offer; although, Ken and Lisa are a close second place). The two spent much of the episode canoodling and smiling, with Mauricio enjoying his 40th birthday at his aforementioned backyard White Party. It looked like a fun affair — despite an earsplitting interlude featuring a largely atonal singer. Not even Camille could ruin the party; although, she certainly tried. Arriving as part of a amusingly fake truce between the ladies, Camille gave Kyle a passive-aggressive doozy of a gift: a book titled How to Behave. It’s not a gesture I would have made, but perhaps medium Allison DuBois had informed Camille that it was okay to pass along such a dubious present.
Nevertheless, Camille and Kyle still seem to be on the up and up, but with reports of an epic and intense reunion having just taped, I’m not sure that all is well in the Richards-Grammer peace treaty.
As for the rest of the gang, Kim did little beyond hide from her would-be British suitor, who arrived at the White Party looking haggard and horny; Adrienne rolled her eyes at Paul, who once again suffered a broken nose at the hands of his son; and Lisa threw a birthday party for her daughter Pandora, whose name still seems to defy logic (isn’t Pandora known for being AWFUL in Greek mythology? After all, she did unleash all those things from that box of hers).
We also had cameos from the MORALLY CORRUPT Faye Resnick (my friend jash loves to bandy about that phrase), and once again Lisa’s sidekick/hanger-on Cedric popped up, but this time to share a rather intense story about his childhood. I won’t get into it, but it involved his mother being a prostitute and abandoning him on the streets of France. I’m not sure where I really stand on Cedric. He seems like a nice enough guy, but his general lack of ambition (as portrayed by Bravo) and self-satisfied pattern of mooching has me thinking he’s less fabulous and more suspicious. But I trust Lisa, and if he’s good enough for her, he’s good enough for us… I guess.
“Someday, Calvin Klein will make Obsession commercials again, and when that day comes, I WILL BE READY.”
“Much like Allison DuBois, I too am a medium. But I choose to communicate with dead flowers.”
Lisa: “What on Earth are you doing, Ken?”
“Oh, just priming you up for some hanky panky.”
“But I’m knackered!”
“Fine. I guess it will be just me and Giggy again.”
“Hello, I’d like to order thirty-five pizzas. Yes. Thirty-five. And you can deliver them to the MORALLY CORRUPT FAYE RESNICK.”
“The street address? 666 WHOREVILLE LANE.”
Kyle: “So Cedric, do you mind if I ask you an impossibly nosy question about your childhood?”
Lisa: “Not here, Kyle. Not at my beautiful restaurant SUR, which is not to be confused with the equally appealing VILLA BLANCA.”
Cedric: “Well, basically my mother was a prostitute, and I lived on the streets as a child, and my mom would sleep with me in between men so she wouldn’t be raped and then one day she abandoned me in a phone booth, and I had to commit petty crimes and be a con artist to survive, going in and out of foster homes until finally at fifteen I met Ken and Lisa.”
Kyle: “I’m sorry, I totally zoned out. I was thinking of Mauricio. Isn’t he SO hot?”
Nick: “Hey platonic friend.”
Camille: “Hey platonic friend.”
“How about we have sex after this. You know, platonically.”
“Ugh. Tennis is the worst. It’s like the CAMILLE GRAMMER of sports.”
“So Kyle, were you always a bitch, or is that a recent development? Hahaha, isn’t it great to talk this way?”
“Commence Operation Pee-In-Camille’s-Pool NOW NOW NOW!!!”
Adrienne: “Paul, no. NO. I paid $35 for the tinsel in this hair, and I won’t let you ruin it. PAUL!”
Adrienne: “Real funny, Paul. Guess what? Enjoy getting your nose broken a THIRD time.”
Taylor: “So Ken, what’s it like being in a loving relationship?”
Ken: “Quite good, actually.”
“Is there anything you can teach me that will make Russell like me more?”
“Well, for starters, you can stop dressing him in see-through shirts.”
Kyle: “A book called How To Behave. That’s great! And here’s my gift to you, Camille: it’s a book called How To Stop Being A Cunt. Kisses!”
Kyle: “Someone get this crazy bitch out of my ear. She’s licking it.”
Mauricio: “How much longer do we have to stand here and pretend to enjoy this performance?”
Kyle: “Until Camille gets scared and leaves.”
Ken: “How long am I? Standing between the beautiful Taylor Armstrong and the MORALLY CORRUPT FAYE RESNICK!”
“Do you want to stroke my chest hair?”
“You have a wife.”
“Well, I’m certainly not the MORALLY CORRUPT FAYE RESNICK!”
What did you think about the episode?