Coming off last Monday’s wonderfully goofy Jersey Shore that featured Snooki face planting into the sands of Seaside Heights, it was inevitable that we’d be due for a less interesting follow-up episode. Indeed, Thursday’s latest installment was a touch forgettable, even if it was still immensely entertaining. The action began with Snooki locked up in jail — a predicament that lasted all of about thirty seconds of airtime. Soon she was sent barreling out of the drunk tank where she was received in open arms by her roommates. I don’t remember if Deena had stopped bawling or not at that point, but it’s safe to say that the so-called walking holiday was certainly not expressing Christmas cheer.
Anyway, Snooki’s bender ended with an angry phone call from Dad, who appropriately railed into his drunkard daughter. In the wake of this, Snooki spent much of the episode in bed, depressed and swearing off alcohol. Luckily J-WOWW was around to cheer her up, and she miraculously found a charming “gorilla juicehead” to occupy her crestfallen friend. Soon, Snooki and her man (who already had a strike against him, being that he was Irish — gasp!) joined J-WOWW and her new “friend,” Roger on a double date on the boardwalk. It all ended in canoodling and fun times. Well, semi-fun times. It wasn’t so easy for J-WOWW, who was finding new romantic feelings for Roger (a.k.a. her ex). This was a problem because J-WOWW was still in a relationship with her scum of a boyfriend Tommy. We’d seen Tommy a few times in the past, and each time he was a magnificent douche. Think it’s just the editing? You’re wrong: he’s now trying to peddle nude photos of J-WOWW taken when she was still under anesthesia.
Of course, there are those who believe J-WOWW is nothing special either and that both deserve each other. That may be true. But whatever character flaws Jenni has are trumped by Tommy’s obnoxious, possessive, and verbally abusive ways. Case in point: he launches passive-aggressive (as well as full-on aggressive) sneers at his girlfriend every time she neglects to call him for twelve hours. Admittedly, the last such time this happened, J-WOWW was ignoring Tommy for the seemingly kinder company of Roger, but still he shouldn’t speak to his girlfriend that way, and if she has in fact driven him to that point, he should grow some balls and move on.
Well, by the end of the episode, J-WOWW broke up with Tommy, and as mature men are wont to do, he then went and stole her belongings – not to mention money – out of their joint (and surprisingly cute and homely) abode. By the time the episode ended, J-WOWW was in tears, looking at an unknown monetary balance that was now gone (not to mention her sentimental jewelry and a hard drive).
Dealing with significantly less weighty issues was Deena, who found a meathead all of her own. The guy — Dean — looked exactly like Ronnie, and soon he and the walking holiday were knocking boots in bed. This was certainly an upgrade from The Situation, at whom Deena had previously flung her vag, but his shady girlfriend situation (as in, he had one) caused him some points. Poor Deena — she looked like she had fallen in love with the guy. Too bad she’ll probably never see him again.
Here’s the photocap:
“Hey Dad, I acted like a jerkoff and got thrown in jail. But I promise to stop drinking and focus on other things like getting it put in me by a gorilla juicehead.”
“HaaaAAAAY!!! I’m a friggin’ walking HAWLIDAY!! People are like, ‘Is that Arbor Day in heels?’ and I’m like no, it’s me!”
“You are like the perfect guy! Great smile, great body — and look at you! 5’5″? What are you, a skyscraper???”
“Hahahaha he’s just like Ronnie. Wait, wait. Do that thing with your hand in front of your face. OH DAMN!!! It’s Ronnie!!! Wait, now laugh like you’ve been smoking for thirty years! YEAH! Just like that!!! Now be a mopey asshole!!!”
“Wait, before we kiss any more, do you have a girlfriend?”
“Nah, not really.”
“I wouldn’t call her a girlfriend.”
“Wait a second. Do you have a girlfriend or no?”
“Uh no. I have NO girlfriend.”
“But I do have a wife.”
omnom nom nom nom
Snooki: “Which one of you jerkoffs wants to put it in me?”
J-WOWW: “Well, this gorilla juicehead is mine.”
“So you’re leaving me with the Irish one?”
“Yeah, what’s wrong with that?”
“He’s a friggin’ leprechaun.”
“Well, I do have lucky charms. And they’re magically delicious.”
Snooki: “Of course, by ‘lucky charms,’ I mean genital warts.'”
“For the love of God, Tommy, if I were there right now, I’d punch you in the face and destroy your razor so you’d never be able to make a perfectly groomed pencil beard AGAIN!”
J-WOWW: “Thanks for the support, Nicole. I appreciate it.”
“Support? I’m just pretending your a sack of pickles.”
What did you think about the episode?