REAL HOUSEWIVES PHOTOCAP: The Ring Didn’t Mean A Thing

There are some annual traditions that we Americans love: July 4th, Thanksgiving, Arbor Day. Add to that list Bravo’s yearly airing of Kim Zolciak trying to sing a song. Yes, Kim has become the McRib of Bravo — a special treat we’re allowed to enjoy but once a year even though we probably shouldn’t partake in it at all to begin with. Well, ladies and gentlemen, the McRib is back, and so is Kim’s “instrument.” On Sunday’s episode of The Real Housewives of Atlanta, Kim stepped back in the recording booth and attempted to sing “The Ring Didn’t Mean A Thing,” thus continuing the atonal tradition started by her seminal, unreleased hit “Tightrope” (“There’s a tightrope… between me and yoooooouuuuu…”) and continued by “Tardy for the Party.”

The results were, of course, awful. This time around, Kandi penned a song that challenged Kim to reach the upper realms of her register, a request that’s akin to asking Stephen Hawking to scale Everest. Indeed, Kim all out failed at this task, and now that she’s a self-anointed pop-star, she rejected the tune as a whole, claiming that it sucked (in actuality, it wasn’t half bad). A year ago she would have been happy enough to even have a song written for her. How things have changed. Kim is convinced she’s the next Madonna — so much so that when Shereé’s annoying but talented gay, Lawrence, showed up to sing a song, Kim greeted him with disdain and perhaps jealousy. Maybe that’s why Kandi wrote such a tricky song: to take Kim down a peg or two. It’s obvious that Kim has zero talent, and Kandi was certainly more than happy to remind her of that. I’d never seen passive-aggressive songwriting before, but I liked it!

When Kim wasn’t flexing her vocal chords, she was busy liquidating her assets. She cleared out a storage facility with her junk and opted to have a yard sale. Of course, she didn’t use her yard. Instead Kim curiously set up shop in the parking lot of a burger joint. It made no sense whatsoever, and yet it was totally fitting with her character. Most of the women showed up, save Shereé who only made a forty-five second cameo this episode. Unacceptable. That being said, in her forty-five seconds, Shereé did manage to evoke laughter as she revealed that Dr. Tiy-E Mohammad stays at the Holiday Inn whenever he comes to Atlanta. If she doesn’t drop this joker soon, we’re gonna have a situation on our hands.

Speaking of situations, Phaedra’s pregnancy continued to raise eyebrows as she once again reiterated that she could pop the baby out at six months old. Even Kim — KIM — shot her down, citing her degree as a registered nurse from UCONN (side note: if Kim ever showed up at my bedside in a hospital, I’d be scared. VERY scared). Nene of course was incredulous as usual, again calling Phaedra stupid. I’m still chuckling over her “SHUT UP! THAT’S STUPID!” line from last week.

Turns out that Nene has a lot more problems at home than she’s let on. Later in the episode, she had Cynthia and Peter over for dinner, and the situation quickly devolved into a modern take on Who’s Afraid of Virginia Woolf? Nene got loaded on booze, fought with Greg, and then revealed to Cynthia the “apartment” Greg had been staying in for the past several weeks or months. Awwwwwwkward… I did not envy poor Cynthia, who had to smile and nod as if this wasn’t the most uncomfortable night of her life. But of course, this is The Real Housewives of Atlanta. There’ll be plenty more awkward nights to come…

Here’s the photocap:

“I really want to develop the next openly gay superstar. And I want him to be a total stereotype too. That’s where you come in, Lawrence.”
“Three air snaps to that, guuurl!”

Kandi: “Okay, Kim, we’re gonna try a song that has more than five notes.”
“I don’t like it.”

Kim: “It’s just… I don’t know. There are so many NOTES. Do I have to hit them all?”
“Yes.”
“Do you think maybe you can sing it, and then I’ll just say you’re me?”
“No.”
“Hmmm… Would it be bad if I sing ‘The Ring Don’t Mean A Thing’ but use the same tune as ‘Tardy For The Party?'”
“Yes.”
“I don’t like it.”

“Peter, please don’t forget that I’m the world champion of staring contests.”

“Here are the simple facts: you can have an abortion up to three months into a pregnancy. After that, you’re totally fine to deliver the child.”

“I really need to have a yard sale. Does anyone know if there are any Sizzler parking lots available? Maybe an IHOP?”

Kim: “Okay Dad, I couldn’t find a Red Lobster to have my yard sale in; so please just do your best, and I’ll promise you I’ll still get you an Ultimate Feast.”

Nene: “I heard that Cynthia is the world champion of staring contests, but do you see me looking away from you Kim? Do you see me looking away?”
“Please stop, Nene.”
“I am going to steal that title from her.”
“Seriously, stop staring.”
“I can’t. I’m the new champion.”

“Bryce, I want you to come over here right now and challenge me to a staring contest. Bet you can’t win. Bet you can’t win!”

Phaedra: “Listen, girl, I want to see you do well. I want you to do a one woman show, and it can be called ‘Pickles & Things: My Life As Phaedra Parks’ Client.'”

“Which one of y’all wants to play ring toss with my finger? Anyone?”

Kim: “Here’s the thing: I don’t like the song.”
Kandi: “Here’s the thing: I have a Grammy.”

“You realize you can’t sing, right? Like, when you do ‘Twinkle Twinkle Little Star,’ God is like ‘I wish I never done made stars so that bitch could stop singing about them.’ You realize this, right?”

“Cynthia say she the world champion of staring contests. What she have to say about this?”

“Now I’m bringing it to your house, Cynthia! Battle of the champions!”

Nene: “I hope I haven’t made this too awkward for you.”
Cynthia: “Awkward? Not at all! Anyhoo…”

What did you think of the episode?